My story, and where I go from here.

[Lostbutokay]

I've made a few different threads, but I wanted to make one on this forum to show you how I'm coping and moving on.

 

We have been together for 2 years, engaged for one this May. She's Haitian and I'm Caucasian.

 

Late March:

 

She's distant, not calling me much. I saw she posted on some dudes facebook back in January saying "aww, my friend, lova oopssss! everything!"...I texted her cousin asking her if she was okay (mistake), and the girl found out and got mad.

 

April 4th:

 

We had made up everything, she was excited to hang out with me that night. I set up a romantic night, we had a great time, dinner at her favorite restaurant, and made love. Everything felt amazing again!

 

April 6th:

 

On the 4th she told me she wanted me to come with her to her nursing school class trip. I did. We had a great day, and I took her home back to my place afterwards, watched a movie and had sex. As soon as we were done (I didn't last long that day, even though I always last long). She told me it's probably because of the pain pills I took! LOL! I told her no it's not, we just hadn't had sex in a while. We got into a heated discussion over the pills. I told her I been trying to stop but it has been tough, and I take them because I need them for my back etc. (I only took 20-30mg of percocet which is not a lot when you been taking them for 2 years). It never affected anything in mky life, espcially towards her negatively. During the drive home she is crying and not saying one word to me, and I'm so hurt and confused over what she is acting that way.

 

April 7th: I wake up and as soon as I'm about to head to work I notice our engagement ring on our bedside. It was eye opening and one of the most hurtful things I ever experienced.

 

The next 2 weeks its me sending flowers, letters telling her how I'm working really hard on myself. She only responded here and there. Sometimes she'd send me a late night text after 2 days of NC or so and we'd talk on the phone, joke around, things felt like they were rebuilding. There was also one time I came over she was on top of me looking me into my eyes and telling me how she loves me and is happy for me to change my life etc.

 

I told her I don't want to rush things and I want to build our relationship. She took that as me having cold feet or some bs. I told her she is totally misunderstanding what I said.

 

Last weekend:

 

Friday night she calls me at like 11 oclock. I call her back and we have a good friendly convo. She tells me she wants to give flowers to my mom for M-day, and told me how she wants to come over and have some beers and have fun.

 

Saturday I call her in the afternoon. She seems liek she changed her mind, but I tell her I'll just come over we can watch movies etc. I come over, we sit on separate couches. Sometimes she'll come over and just kiss me out of the blue, and sometimes I'd do it. We ended up making out and having sex. She kept commenting on how good I look from working out and how sexy I am.

 

As I leave I kiss her good bye and say "I love you". Did this twice since after the first time I had to get something I left in her house. Both times she just gives me some weird look. This made me rage in the inside, but I did not show it.

 

Sunday I call her because she told me she wanted to give flowers and see my mom on Friday. I call her around 10:30. She tells me she just woke up and has things to do. I tell her I'll call her back in 30-45 mins to see whats up. I call, no answer. 20 mins later before I'm leaving I call. I go to my moms have a good time, but really uneasy about why she isn't calling back or ANYTHING.

 

 

She still hasn't called, but I think after a long conversation with my uncle and dad I've finally realized my best action is to do NOTHING. No contact. She was on FB that day so she did get my calls. I sent her a FB msg that night telling her that I'd send a special prayer out for her mom (she was affected by the Haiti earthquake), and her and she didn't even text back thank you or anything!

 

I'm not sure what she wants, and I finally realize she is probably done. It hurts a whole lot, but the only thing I can do is move on with my life, and I'm going to do that now.

 

 

Why do you do this women? Why can't you just tell us about your honest feelings and none of this BS.

 

 

Thanks for reading.

[FreedomRing]

Lost, how old are both of you?

 

You are on the right path. You need to stop allowing her to do the back and forth. She is heavily conflicted, apparently.

 

You need to stop being there at her beck and call, and most certainly stop sleeping with her.

 

The next time she contacts you(and she will, once she sees you're not contacting her first) lay it all on the line, one final time(not sure if you have done this previously or what)by saying, I want you in my life as my wife. If you're not prepared to do this at this time, then I am moving on with my life and there will be no more contact from this point on. Hang up, don't engage in alot of back and forth and leave it be.

[Lostbutokay]

I'll be 24 later this month and she's 25, and yes Freedom I was going to ask if that was the right thing to do.

[FreedomRing]

Well happy early birthday, man

 

Yeah, just lay it on the line. Enough is enough. This is nothing but torture you are doing to yourself. Yes, she sounds as if she is leading you on, but she is only successful bc you are allowing it. So stop it, once and for all. Stay STRONG.

[Lostbutokay]

Thanks!

 

No contact today, felt pretty good. Going to go hit the gym shortly. Wrote up a solid meal plan I'm going to use and a training regimen.

 

I also didn't check her FB today, sounds weird, but I'm proud of myself!

[michaelhopes]

There is no need to lay it on the line.

There is no need to seek closure.

She has already thrown you into her backup plaything box.

 

As I leave I kiss her good bye and say "I love you". Did this twice since after the first time I had to get something I left in her house. Both times she just gives me some weird look.

This says it all......Stay NO CONTACT

If she really wants to be with you there would be no games, no B.S.,no guessing on your part.......It would be obvious

 

Stay off Face Book and if any more B.S. happens defriend her because she isnt your friend.

[Lostbutokay]

Done done and done. I'm proud of myself, 2 days NC, haven't called her or anything. I actually feel okay. I mean the thoughts are there nonstop, but in general I feel good!

[Lostbutokay]

I put this on my FB:

 

I gave it all, did everything I could possibly do. That no one can deny. It can be hard to

accept failure, especially when love is involved...but I've come to peace with it. It can only make you a stronger man, which it will for sure! I'm excited about the future. As Tom Petty once wrote, "It's time to move on, time to... get going. What lies ahead, I have no way of knowing. But under my feet, baby, grass is growing".

 

I almost sent her an email this evening, but then just x'ed out of FB so I didn't. Should I delete my comment?

[Lostbutokay]

ADVICE NEEDED! Would it be a horrible idea sending her something like this:

 

Going to call you, but didn't want to interrupt any studying etc.

 

It has been quite obvious the last few weeks that for whatever reason you cannot regain

your full love/trust in me & us. I know what I've wanted all along, and it has come to the point where I obvious am sure that at least right now it is not what you want. So it is obvious I need to move on. I love and care for you. We spent some great times together in the last 2 years, and some memories I will never forget!

 

Whatever God has laid out for us, I'm excited about the future, and I hope all is well.

 

Maybe in the future we could work things out, but until then, regardless if that ever happens I hope you understand why we can't be friends.

 

I love you,

My name

 

 

IT almost feels like I need to send this.

[OccultFigurine]

Sorry, but I think you're telling her again what she knows already. You don't need to reiterate it.

 

How are you feeling about NC today?

[Lostbutokay]

I know occult, but something in me has finally accepted that its over, and I kind of just want to let her know. I still care and love her and always will... I guess I just gotta stop myself.

[OccultFigurine]

Two things...

 

First, this woman is not treating you well. She's not answering your calls and leaving you to guess what is going on ( I think you mentioned being frustrated about why can't she just be honest?) It's for this reason that I would be very cautious about telling someone like this that 'you will always love them' She might take that as license to treat you however she wants.

 

Second, accepting that it's over is something you need to do on your own. Maybe you should wait a few more days at least, and if you still feel like you have to let her know that, then do so.

[OccultFigurine]

 

As I leave I kiss her good bye and say "I love you". Did this twice since after the first time I had to get something I left in her house. Both times she just gives me some weird look. This made me rage in the inside, but I did not show it.

 

 

Just curious about this part- why didn't you show/tell her how this made you feel, or follow it up in some way? It's not a small thing to tell someone you love them, to get just a weird look and not to question why suggests to me that there were communication issues. Is there a reason why you felt you couldn't ask her what was going on?

[Lostbutokay]

I didn't want to look like a cry baby in her eyes. I figured it was what it was.

[OccultFigurine]

It's really unfair of her to just leave you like that- I honestly think that if someone is honest and upfront when they're ending things, although it's still painful, it helps the other person to accept that its over and get on with healing.

 

She didn't give you that, so you're bound to be looking for some kind of closure at the moment. Hang in there with your NCand you'll find your own closure.

[Lostbutokay]

Major setback today I guess:

 

I wrote her this in the AM:

 

I was going to call you last night, but wasn't sure if you'd even be home, so just want to tell you some things this AM:

 

DD,

 

It has become clearer and clearer that you have not fully regained your love/trust for me, and I've come to accept it. You know what I truly want from you, a wife, a girlfriend, a future together, and I've kind of finally realized it's not what you want at this time.

 

If you are ever ready to truly work things out, then I'm open for that, but until you are sure that is what you want I need to move on honey.

 

I love you, and good luck with finals if they aren't done yet.

 

 

Later I came on FB and she sent me a message asking why my cousin posted immature on her FB wall. My cousin who is a 26 yr old female saw a convo between her and some dude about him commenting how some people continue to stay in toxic situations etc. So I replied I had no idea she posted that and i have no clue why.

 

I then wrote:

 

Idk I can't read your FB so i dont know. What does it matter now anyways? I looked you straight in the eyes on Saturday, said I love you and got no reply. You know how that felt to be done from a woman you spent 2 years with? Then on Sunday you ignore my phone calls all day? Like I understood you probably weren't ready to see m ymom, but at least have the maturity to pick up the phone and tell me that. I wanted to show you support while I know sunday was going to be a tough day for you with your mom and all. I got * * * * on, and it was total bull * * * * . I deserved better

 

 

She replied:

 

u dont kno 1/2 of the * * * * im going through right, not everything is bout ya sweetheart,its bout me and my f*****ing problems im this close to shoot my self..idk wat u n ur cuzin be sayin bout me plzz watever opinion that u two have keep it to ursefl for awhile cuz y'all pple r driving me insane than i already am...

 

 

I finally replied

 

Hope everything works out.

 

 

 

 

Why is this such a guilt thing for her? It seems like she's portraying me as some toxic thing to her friends or that I was some bad guy in all of this. Like * * * I don't get it. I treated her like gold. Man I'm hurting 2nite.

[Lostbutokay]

In pain...almost sent her a letter but didn't.

[jellysandwich]

Good. Ignore her, continue NC, and move on.

[FreedomRing]

Lost,

 

I'm sorry about the recent contact. This is why NC in cases like yours is really for the best. I don't know what her problem is exactly, but whatever the case, clearly she has alot of stuff going on and is not willing to devote much attention to you or your relationship....you need to stop the contact. Stay off of FB...deactivate your account if need be for a little while. You'll still have all your contacts when you activate again.

 

You need to cut off all the contact at once. You are at her beck and call and she KNOWS it. Stop punishing yourself, man. Get a grip.

[Lostbutokay]

Played a lot of ball today, got my mind off sh-t. At work I went to the bathroom and balled like a lil * * * * * . She removed all my family members from her FB page. It now makes me feel even more guilty. Do you guys recommend going out this weekend looking for girls or just relaxing/working out. I'm scared that if I go out I'll be depressed if I come up empty.

[BrightBushy]

Hey Lost, I think you should go out and be distracted. NC and look around with a new attitude. Confidence breeds confidence and next thing you know, you might meet someone else you can feel good about. I agree with Freedom Ring, get off FB. Keep up working out, it brings on the endorphins you are lacking now. Good Luck !!

[berny]

Be thankfull that this girl is out of ur life..before u got married to her....would u be able to take the pain of divorce...seeing what u have said here,looks like she would never stick around with u..This girl does not know what she wants in life...i was been with same person for 7 months...i know it pains...but better option is to avoid the disaster in life....my ex too deleted my family members right after she said she wanna break up...i am happy she is out....dont ever msg her or call her..throw her out of ur life...it will be painfull initially...but life has to move on....when all this things are over ,the will be experienced in relationships and we will be strong..

[Lostbutokay]

Thanks for the kind words...I almost hate the weekends right now, but thatll stop soon.

[berny]

yeah i am sure about it..pelase try to meet as many new people as possible..i know u dont feel like meeting them and i wanna come back and be lonely again...my friend,please do not try to enjoy ur loneliness now..that will be very dangerous..so try to be with people and to laugh more and more....i know its hard.just try to smile...i used to take everyday as challege and find some inpsiration to live with...and next day back to square one...but dont give up...dont waste ur wonderful time and life for someone who is so uncertain..pelase do now keep in touch...even if she comes back to ur life..i am sure u will have a horrible time...so delete her completely out of ur life...go to gym..and remove ur frustration there...it helps..keep ur self healthy...pray to god and try to be happy..u are away from some person who was so imperfect in life...dont try to blame urself....u just gave her selfless love and if she does not deserve why u need to waste urs...we all are here...i knwo living everymoment is challenge....but accept it friend..this happened for reason..once this is over,u will be strong person and u will feel proud that u are out of such horrible situation...because u alone fought with it..dont give up..even i am not gonna give up...all the best..

[Lostbutokay]

Thanks for the words berny. 2nite I will go out on the prowl!

 

 

The worst part is that she never officially said that we ended it. She just left the ring at my bed side. For weeks I did the "I'm changing, I'm stopping the pain killers etc". Flowers, I love yous. At times she opened up, but it all ended Saturday when I said "I love you" and she looked me in the eyes and gave me a weird look.

 

Sunday she never returned my calls. Wednesday I sent her a letter that read:

 

I was going to call you last night, but wasn't sure if you'd even be home, so just want to tell you some things this AM:

 

DD,

 

It has become clearer and clearer that you have not fully regained your love/trust for me, and I've come to accept it. You know what I truly want from you, a wife, a girlfriend, a future together, and I've kind of finally realized it's not what you want at this time.

 

If you are ever ready to truly work things out, then I'm open for that, but until you are sure that is what you want I need to move on honey.

 

I love you, and good luck with finals if they aren't done yet.

 

 

...

 

She never responded to that, but asked me why my cousin posted "immature" on her board. She then deleted all my family from her FB.

 

 

Now its so weird because she never gave me any words that said "I break up with you", but just took her ring off April 6th (can't believe its been that long)...

 

It's like she has no idea what I'm going through and it hurts.