My ex abandoned me 4 months ago then out of the blue drunk-dials me at 4am and STANDS ME UP

[blue227]

After 4 months of cutting me off and abandoning me from his life, without even the common courtesy of an explanation, why would he go out of his way to text me TWICE at 4am, and then actually call my phone number asking me to "come over" if he's just going to STAND ME UP? Especially after making me drive 3 hours to see him?

 

Does he realize how much of a vicious and cruel jerk he's become? I'm not his doormat. Well in this case, onbiously i was. But even if he was drunk, that's not a nexcuse t ostand me up. Just because you're drunk, doesnt mean you stand people up just one hour later.

 

The worst part was when i arrived, I saw his ex's car o nthe driveway!

 

What an awful feeling after 4 months of no contact. He's a total manipulator. He's bipolar type 1, and unmedicated, but i dont think it has anything to do with being a crule jerk. He's 18.

 

I wasnt even coming to hook-up. I was coming to get some closure, and find out why you disappeared with no explanation for 4 months like a total a-hole.

 

 

HE chose to call ME. HE chose to text ME! I dont think you realize hiow long 4 months of "no contact" is? After 4 months, he should have drove to see me, and apologize for the way you left things. I was stupid enough to answer his call, but everytime I try to "move on" he ends up contacting me out of the blue and bring me back to square one.

 

During those 4 months of 100% "no contact", he ignored me on Valentines day, Eastr, and my birthday. Plus, he didnt invite me to his 18th birthday. I'll never have that opportunity again in my lifetime.

 

 

That's a horrible and rotten thing to do. He shouldnt have asked me to drive ALL THAT WAY (3 hours) and then IGNORE my phone calls and text messages while I was sitting on his driveway. He asked me to come! How can he change your mind in less than an hour?

 

He didnt even bother to apologize the next day for the way he treated me! I'm really upset and frustrated. Why would someone do that? I dont think being "drunk" is the answer.

 

I want my $25 in gas money back and the 3 hours of MY LIFE that he made me waste.

 

Unfortunately, he never takes responsibility for his actions. He will blame all of this on me, and it will somehow be my fault that HE stood me up.

 

And you just KNOW that 6 months from now he's gonna call again and pretend like nothings happened. By that time, it would have been a year since ive seen him.

 

The only good thing is that I was able to finally send him the huge 20-page emai, which i had written during the 4 long months of "no contact." I promised iwould send it to him should he ever contact me again. He neevr responded to that either. But i got some kind of closure, even if he didnt read it.

[HouseKitten]

You don't need closure, you need to get away from this guy. No contact for four months? Try no contact for the rest of your life. That sounds far healthier for both of you, considering what you've said.

 

No, he shouldn't have invited you over then ignored you. But you also allowed that to happen by driving over there. You're not giving him clear signals if you go from no contact straight to 'sure I'll drive 3 hours to see you!' You said yourself, you were the doormat in this situation, and he had all the power.

 

All you can do now is salvage your pride and go back to no contact. And the next time he calls, don't pick up and don't respond to his messages. Not even to send him rant emails afterwards, which he almost certainly won't bother to read.

[FrenchFries]

You don't need closure, you need to get away from this guy. No contact for four months? Try no contact for the rest of your life. That sounds far healthier for both of you, considering what you've said.

 

No, he shouldn't have invited you over then ignored you. But you also allowed that to happen by driving over there. You're not giving him clear signals if you go from no contact straight to 'sure I'll drive 3 hours to see you!' You said yourself, you were the doormat in this situation, and he had all the power.

 

All you can do now is salvage your pride and go back to no contact. And the next time he calls, don't pick up and don't respond to his messages. Not even to send him rant emails afterwards, which he almost certainly won't bother to read.

 

Agreed. This guy is a jerk. Be thankful he's not your problem anymore.

[Guest]

I feel bad that you went over there. I have learnt to be very cynical unfortunately but it is because of people like this guy! I got really sad reading this.

 

At least now you know to respect yourself more and when you do you will expect that same respect from a partner, and if you don't see it, do not accept that person in your life.

[Car Chick]

I would of hung up on his sorry drunk arse. If he ever tries that again, tell him he doesn't need to bother making another booty call to you because the only way he's getting any action is if it involves his own hand.

[Speranza]

Just be clear - he did not make you waste the petrol and time. It was your choice.

 

It's called a learning curve. We all understand... hugs.

[HeartGoesOn]

Don't let there be a "next time." Write this guy off, and never look back.

[addictedblue]

Why would you drive 3 hours to see a guy who has ignored you for 4 months? That's what I don't understand. AND he was drunk. Honestly, this was your mistake, not his. His drunk call was probably just looking for sex, not for closure with you.

 

Also...he's a guy. I don't think there's a guy on earth who would read a 20 page email from an ex girlfriend.

[blue227]

Just be clear - he did not make you waste the petrol and time. It was your choice.

 

It's called a learning curve. We all understand... hugs.

 

 

 

That'S a bunch of BS. Anyone who's been in a "no contact" situation for 4 months!! would have been THRILLED to hear from their ex, especially if their ex invited them over.

 

Yes my ex DID make me waste my gas, and my time. Dont blame this on me.

 

What else was I supposed to do when my ex, whom i clearly love, invites me over AFTER 4 MONTHS! How the **** was i supposed to know he was gonna stand me up, waste my gas ,and my time. Normal people dont do that.

 

mOST PEOPLE WOULD DO THE SAME THING i DID. i THINK A LOT OF PEOPLE GET ON THEIR HIGH-HORSE ON THIS WEBSITE AND BLAME *ME* FOR COMING OVER TO My EX (after he invited me).

 

It's not my fault, at all.

 

You cant just use all the usual cliches like: an ex is an ex for a reason, just hang up the phone, he doesnt care about you, youdeserve better ,etc, etc etc

 

Let's get real!

 

My ex was in the wrong, not me.

[blue227]

Why would you drive 3 hours to see a guy who has ignored you for 4 months? That's what I don't understand. AND he was drunk. Honestly, this was your mistake, not his. His drunk call was probably just looking for sex, not for closure with you.

 

Also...he's a guy. I don't think there's a guy on earth who would read a 20 page email from an ex girlfriend.

 

 

 

Many people have gone "no contact" for MUCH longer than 4 months and have rekindled their relationship. To blame me for seeing my ex AFTER HE ASK ME TO COME OVER is really being disengenuous.

 

And as far as reading my email, he's a NARCISSIST so im pretty sure he atleast read the first page. And i didnt realize he was drunk until much later.

[Newbie2010]

That'S a bunch of BS. Anyone who's been in a "no contact" situation for 4 months!! would have been THRILLED to hear from their ex, especially if their ex invited them over.

 

What else was I supposed to do when my ex, whom i clearly love, invites me over AFTER 4 MONTHS! How the **** was i supposed to know he was gonna stand me up, waste my gas ,and my time. Normal people dont do that.

 

mOST PEOPLE WOULD DO THE SAME THING i DID. i THINK A LOT OF PEOPLE GET ON THEIR HIGH-HORSE ON THIS WEBSITE AND BLAME *ME* FOR COMING OVER TO My EX (after he invited me).

 

I hear you, but 'he was drunk' when he contacted you and in the weird hour.

 

Yes I will be ecstatic to hear from my ex (if I still love and long for him) after 4 months of NC, but not when he's clearly not himself and can't talk/think straight.

 

Good luck with moving on.

[blue227]

How can i "move on" when he just brought me back to squre one , in the worst possible way?

 

The screwed up thing is that I still want him back, even after all this. I guess it's true what they say about falling for "jerks." The worse the ytreat you, the more yo uwant them.

 

Sure logicaly speaking anyone would toss him to the curb, but love has nothing to do with logic.

 

Im "moving forward" because i dont have any choice. He hasnt contacted me or responded to my 30-page email lol

 

im certainly not going to contact him. i went 4 months with no contact, and now i need to start again. I secretly wishe he would call back and apologize and we would get together.

 

I dont understand why he even has my phone number in his cell after 4 months. Hopefull this time he has removed it forever.

[hater13]

How can i "move on" when he just brought me back to squre one , in the worst possible way?

 

The screwed up thing is that I still want him back, even after all this. I guess it's true what they say about falling for "jerks." The worse the ytreat you, the more yo uwant them.

 

Sure logicaly speaking anyone would toss him to the curb, but love has nothing to do with logic.

 

Im "moving forward" because i dont have any choice. He hasnt contacted me or responded to my 30-page email lol

 

im certainly not going to contact him. i went 4 months with no contact, and now i need to start again. I secretly wishe he would call back and apologize and we would get together.

 

I dont understand why he even has my phone number in his cell after 4 months. Hopefull this time he has removed it forever.

 

awww hun! Forget about this guy he sounds like such a jerk!

You will find better I promise.

One day you'll look back at this and think " * * * was I thinking, why did I ever date this loser?!"

 

stay strong xo

[Newbie2010]

How can i "move on" when he just brought me back to squre one , in the worst possible way?

Be stronger, I know it easy said than done but you never know if you never give it a try. Don’t let him temper with your emotion again. Do not response to him unless you know he actually shows sincerity interest in you. Do not talk to him during odd hours when your emotional might be clouding your train of thoughts.

 

The screwed up thing is that I still want him back, even after all this. I guess it's true what they say about falling for "jerks." The worse the ytreat you, the more yo uwant them.

Here is what I’ve done because yes I’ve fallen for a ‘Jerk’ and trying to get over him.

Accept that you loved him.

Accept that you don’t mean anything to him.

Accept that it will be just a waste of your time if he doesn’t change to accommodate your needs.

 

Sure logicaly speaking anyone would toss him to the curb, but love has nothing to do with logic.

Love has no logic, sometimes you just fall for someone so different to your imagination, but DON’T let love controls your life. The only way to move on is to accept that the person you loved doesn’t feel the same way about you. And that it will be the main ingredient for more heartbreak if you keep holding on.

 

Im "moving forward" because i dont have any choice. He hasnt contacted me or responded to my 30-page email lol

I thought it was 20p But regardless, I don’t think any guy will continue reading an email that gone over 1000w. I’m a girl and I would stop reading any email that double the length of my computer screen, or just jump straight to the last sentence.

 

im certainly not going to contact him. i went 4 months with no contact, and now i need to start again. I secretly wishe he would call back and apologize and we would get together.

Good for you, start making plans to get you back on track again. It’s been 1 month since my Breakup and I’m fortunate enough to made friends with a couple new guys. It’s purely platonic and they understood my situation and fully supportive and trying to give me faith again. If I just curled up at home waiting for the ex’s call, I would not have a chance to make such good friends and gained helps.

 

I dont understand why he even has my phone number in his cell after 4 months. Hopefull this time he has removed it forever.

 

No one can answer why the guy still have your number after 4 months. You can’t control him from not contacting you. You can however work on controlling yourself from not getting too hype up the next time you hear from him.

 

That’s my 2 cents.

 

[jellysandwich]

Im "moving forward" because i dont have any choice. He hasnt contacted me or responded to my 30-page email lol

 

I have to admit, I am uncomfortable with this part. The way you phrase it makes it sound like he still has control over you and is making you move on against your will.

 

If anything, you should be moving on because of yourself, because you should and want to move on. Yourself.

[addictedblue]

The fact that you drove there IS NOT YOUR EX'S FAULT, it is yours. You made the decision to make the drive. He couldn't possibly know that you've been pining over him for 4 months. He probably figured you moved on but would be down for a little fun.

 

I'd feel worse for you if he had called you completely sober at noon on a Saturday and requested that you drive to his house so you could talk. Then maybe I'd understand why you went to talk to someone who you haven't spoken to in 4 months against your will.

 

I know what it's like to be heartbroken over someone and wishing they'd come back. But going to their house at 4 am is NOT going to make them want you back. I don't want you to think I'm being mean, I'm just stating the facts. If this guy is gonna come back to you it would be because you're showing signs of being strong and independent. Acting really weak by submitting to his drunken, late night requests and sending 20 or 30 page emails is not making you look desirable.

[blue227]

The fact that you drove there IS NOT YOUR EX'S FAULT, it is yours. You made the decision to make the drive. He couldn't possibly know that you've been pining over him for 4 months. He probably figured you moved on but would be down for a little fun.

 

 

 

Again, that's total horse s*** and you have NO IDEA what you're talking about. I'm not trying to "be mean" either, but if you've ever been in "no contact" for 4 months and your ex suddenly call you ASKING YOU TO COME OVER, then honey it is NOT MY FAULT. No way. No how. That is a fact.

 

Ofcourse he knew iwas pining over him for 4 months. He knew i was in love with him and then cut me off and abandoned me. Do you honestly think he thought i would just be cool with that and move on? Ofcourse he knew i was pining for him. Its common sense.

 

I dont see what you're missing here? It's HIS fault for inviting me over. It's HIS fault for contacting me after 4 months and then standing me up just one hour later. THAT IS ALL HIS FAULT.

 

How in the he11 can you even suggest it's "my fault" for driving to see my ex??? It's my fault because i dont have a crystal ball? How was isupposed to know he was going to stand me up? We could have easily gotten back together talking face-to-face that night. Who cares if he called at 4am, or if he called on a Saturday afternoon at 2pm and asked to "talk." it's the same actions.

 

 

 

I'd feel worse for you if he had called you completely sober at noon on a Saturday and requested that you drive to his house so you could talk. Then maybe I'd understand why you went to talk to someone who you haven't spoken to in 4 months against your will.

 

Again, with all due respect, I think you need to get off your high horse. I think it's hypocritical to suggest most people wouldnt yhave done the EXACT same thing i did. If it workded out, you guys would be congratulayting me. But since i got stood up, then suddeny its "

my fault."

 

I agree that it would be my fault if he called me and I did it again. Yes, that would be my fault. Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, shame on you.

 

Everyone deals with relationships diferently. Whta you may tolerate, others wont...and vice versa. It's very political if you ask me.

 

The bottom line is: It is NOT my fault that i was stood up by my ex.

 

of course im going to want to drive to see him after 4 months *WHEN HE ASKED ME TO SEE HIM* after 4 months!!!! ANYBODY in their right mind WOULD do the same thing IN My SITUATION.

You're being disengenuous if you disagree.

 

 

 

I know what it's like to be heartbroken over someone and wishing they'd come back. But going to their house at 4 am is NOT going to make them want you back.

 

That's total BS. What does the time of day have anything to do with it. The actions are the same. We're both young and stay up late. I've often visited his place at 4am several times in the past.

 

 

I don't want you to think I'm being mean, I'm just stating the facts. If this guy is gonna come back to you it would be because you're showing signs of being strong and independent. Acting really weak by submitting to his drunken, late night requests and sending 20 or 30 page emails is not making you look desirable.

 

Again ,that's total BS.

That may be true from a "logical" perspective, but as some posters have already suggested, love is not logical!!!.

 

Obviously i would "kick him to the curb" if love was "logical" or if i had no feelings for him.

Not contacting him for 4 months is a sign of being very STRONG and INDEPENDENT, not that those qualities would necessarily make someone attractive ...by the way.

 

How in the world can you suggest i'm being "weak" after submitting myself to 4 months of No Contact? My ex knows and realizes im strong , especially after the 4 months of NC..

 

Why would you negatively label a person as being "really weak" just because they "submitted to their ex's late-nite request?"

 

That's not being "really weak", at all. Actually, that's the "Holy Grail" that most people on this website who are currently in a 4 month NO CONTACT situation WISH for.

 

I respectfuly submit to you that I was courageous to drive to see my ex after 4months of NC.

 

Please remember that HE called me.

HE asked me to come over.

He STOOD ME UP.

 

How is any of THAT my fault???

 

Is it "my fault" for providing the telephone lines and electricity into my home, so he was able to call me? Where do we draw the line with that flawed logic?

 

 

I dodnt want to waste any more time on this subject, which is quickly turning into a hissy-fit on who's fault anything is. Most would agree my ex is a total jerk. Most would agree my ex is clearly responsible for asking me to drive to see him after 4 months of NC, and then standing him up. That is a rotten thing to do, and he is guilt as charged.

 

I'm seeking guidance and empathy on how to proceed in the future. I want him back, even if i have to wait until Christmas, but im still looking for a better guy in the meantime.

 

My plan is to go NIC until he contacts me again. At which point, i will make sure he apologizes for standing me up. I will assess see how genuine he is with regards to rekindling our relationship that we once had.

 

The 30 page email i sent probably scared him off forever, or atleast 6 months lol

[blue227]

 

 

Here is what I’ve done because yes I’ve fallen for a ‘Jerk’ and trying to get over him.

Accept that you loved him.

Accept that you don’t mean anything to him.

Accept that it will be just a waste of your time if he doesn’t change to accommodate your needs.

 

 

Love has no logic, sometimes you just fall for someone so different to your imagination, but DON’T let love controls your life. The only way to move on is to accept that the person you loved doesn’t feel the same way about you. And that it will be the main ingredient for more heartbreak if you keep holding on.

 

 

That was brilliant. You've saved me hundred of dollars worth of psychiatric bills. Absolutey fascinating advice , which actually HELPS me rather than blame me. I like it!

 

 

I thought it was 20p But regardless, I don’t think any guy will continue reading an email that gone over 1000w. I’m a girl and I would stop reading any email that double the length of my computer screen, or just jump straight to the last sentence.

 

 

 

Tyhe truth is I wrote that emauil for me, to give me closure. I knew all along he likely would never read it, or even open it! But just the fact that i know isent that letter into his person "box" makes me feel i got closure.

 

Plus, come on! Who wont be a little curious to open up that email and read the first couple of semntences ...especially after you just stood your ex up after making them drive 3 hours! Im sure he FORWARDED my email to all his frinds..thats if he did read it.

 

 

 

 

No one can answer why the guy still have your number after 4 months. You can’t control him from not contacting you. You can however work on controlling yourself from not getting too hype up the next time you hear from him.

 

That’s my 2 cents.

 

 

That you so much for your king and looving words of wisdom. Very eloquenty written, and you've actually helped me without making me feel i caused ALL this.

[blue227]

I have to admit, I am uncomfortable with this part. The way you phrase it makes it sound like he still has control over you and is making you move on against your will.

 

If anything, you should be moving on because of yourself, because you should and want to move on. Yourself.

 

 

 

i dont want to move on. im being forced to move on. i dont have any choice in the matter.

Ofcourse he still has control over me, and is making me move on agaainst my will.

That's the TRUTH!

 

I could call him 24/7 non-stop, or show up "un-invited" at his house/work, etc., etc, etc

 

Im not gonna stoop to that level.

 

Are you suggesting to all the people who are currenty in a similar situation with an extended "NO CONTACT" situation, are they being controlled waiting for their ex. Sure they say they're "moving on", but obviously want to win the NO CONTACT jackpot of having their ex contact them!

 

Lets be honest. I wouldnt really call that moving on.

[HouseKitten]

No, he shouldn't have called you and then stood you up. It got your hopes up and you were obviously not looking for closure so much as possible reconciliation. Tons of people have been in that position.

 

However, the point that people here are trying to make about it being a mistake to drop everything and drive over to see him is that in doing so, you handed him all the power in your relationship. As soon as you agreed to drive 3 hours over there, with no clear idea what he wanted, that gave him power over you, and it's evident in your reaction - he's set you back. He was able to do that because you're not in a place yet where you can handle him playing games and messing you about. 4 months is not as long as it sounds - once you're at the point where you can calmly assess whatever contact he makes then it's not been long enough.

 

If he gets in touch anytime soon then I'd suggest ignoring him. Unless his first words are 'I'm sorry for how I treated you' then you shouldn't even dignify him with a reply, because every time he calls and gets you to run over, you're telling him that he can treat you however he wants and you'll keep coming back for more.

 

Yes he's a jerk. But you have to accept responsibility for what YOU can control here, and that's your own reactions. If you want him to treat you nicely, you have to show him that you're not at his beck and call.

 

Everyone makes mistakes. The important thing is to recognise what you could have done differently and learn from it.

[blue227]

Why does everything have to be a game?

 

The sad thing is I have such an incredibly strong urge to just call his cell phone, and see if he talks to me.

 

But then my brain kicks in and realizes that since he didnt pick up his cell phone, even after he invited me to come over, when i was sitting on his own drivewa... or respond to any of my text from his driveway, or even respond to my 30 page email the following day,... I think its a good bet to agree that contacting him now (almost 1 week later) would only make him ignore me again.

 

grr i hate this. i wish we could just sit down together, talk things out, and decide to reconcile or have mutual closure.

[HouseKitten]

It's not a game to protect yourself from situations like this. Perhaps if you were both being mature and calm about this you could get away with taking everything he says at face value, but the fact is he doesn't care about your feelings enough for you to do that. Look at how he behaved here. I do not think it is 'playing games' to just avoid putting yourself in the same hurtful position as this again.

 

You can take nothing away from this, do exactly the same thing next time he feels like messing you around ultimately leave yourself open for more heartache, or you can learn from this and protect yourself on the future.

[blue227]

I agree if i found someone new, things would be much easier for me to "move on." But i dont date people like tissues, or patato chips.

 

I'm very selective with swhom i choose to date. i dont settle, or have lowered expectations. Thats my problem. I would honestly rather be alone, then spend time with someone i dont like or im not 100% attracted to.

 

Others have no problem dating anyone with a pulse. For me, it's just very hard finding someone I can click with, live close to, be attracted to, and just have chemistry with.

 

It takes years to find, atleast in my situation.

[plenty]

blue227

i am sure the relationship you have was emotionally abusive, from the way you describe this mans actions, i am going through 8 years and being abandon by what i am believing to be a naricissist person.. the no contact is a form of punishment and control and you confirmed his wishes by responding so quickly to his command. you told him that you was sitting around on existing waiting on him to come and make you live again and thats what he wanted.. i know its hard as i write this right now i am fighting the urge to call my ex but you must know that these people as much as we love them cannot love no matter how hard they try. sure there are some good human qualities that they have and those are the things that keep us hoping, but remember those are not the ruling forces in his life..people are just there for them to feel superior and needed once they find it somewhere else your forgotten or once you are either so low that you cant produce the attention and care they crave there gone..

where i think you stuck at is where i am,,denial ..wondering how could someone i love and spend so much time together see me as a ghost..

believe me it hurts to the core but focus on knowing that he is fully aware of

how your mind operates , so he knows when to show up like you said just when you start to get going her he comes, made you think the way you do so dont you think he knows when your thinking might change, he only shows up to confirm that he still has a hold.. he thinks that you are too weak to be with becasue he knows how far down he got you, it hurts to know he's having fun and living and seeing other people but remember they lives will soon change and not for the better and thats something for sure.. he wanted you to see the ex there maybe to make you hurt because is miserable with his self and needs company..i know its hard but you have to move out of the thinking your in stay on these forum and talk it out..i will get better time heals ...believe it until u see it...

[Guest]

Why would you drive 3 hours to see a guy who has ignored you for 4 months? That's what I don't understand. AND he was drunk. Honestly, this was your mistake, not his. His drunk call was probably just looking for sex, not for closure with you.

 

Also...he's a guy. I don't think there's a guy on earth who would read a 20 page email from an ex girlfriend.

 

i wouldn't, truth to be told. honestly man i feel for you, you sound pretty selfless in this situation, but you can't be a doormat man

 

much love and respect from enzarto