My ex abandoned me 4 months ago then out of the blue drunk-dials me at 4am and STANDS ME UP

[Guest]

another thing blue is that you went over there yourself, i wouldn't say its your "fault", it's probably not the word to use since you are not to blame necessarily for this, but you did it on your own lonesome, no one forced you.

[addictedblue]

Again, that's total horse s*** and you have NO IDEA what you're talking about. I'm not trying to "be mean" either, but if you've ever been in "no contact" for 4 months and your ex suddenly call you ASKING YOU TO COME OVER, then honey it is NOT MY FAULT. No way. No how. That is a fact.

 

Okay, I can see you aren't going to change your mind on this, so I won't continue to argue it. Fine, it's not your fault. But I'll argue the point of his call. To be honest, completely honest, the reason he called you was most likely so you guys could have sex, and then he was probably going to resume no contact afterwards. If he wanted to reconcile or talk or something, he wouldn't have waited 4 months to do it. His actions obviously show that he doesn't care for you. Words don't mean anything, actions do. People show how they feel by what they actually do. Yes, he called you, yes he invited you over. No, those words don't mean anything, because once you got there, his actions showed that he didn't actually want to see you.

 

I know that is hard to accept, but you won't be able to move on from this until you accept that he cannot love you. You can't do anything about it, you are powerless. Don't "wait around til Christmas" because it's pointless. No amount of waiting around is going to change anything.

 

And what I've noticed about dating is...the second you stop caring about a guy - and I mean honestly, 100% stop caring - will be the second he suddenly wants to talk. Guys can just somehow sense it. And that's when you should let him know you've moved on and he no longer has the ability to hurt you.

 

Ofcourse he knew iwas pining over him for 4 months. He knew i was in love with him and then cut me off and abandoned me. Do you honestly think he thought i would just be cool with that and move on? Ofcourse he knew i was pining for him. Its common sense.

 

So he knew you were in love with him, and he let you sit in his driveway. STOP pining after this guy because he clearly sucks!!!

 

 

Again, with all due respect, I think you need to get off your high horse. I think it's hypocritical to suggest most people wouldnt yhave done the EXACT same thing i did. If it workded out, you guys would be congratulayting me. But since i got stood up, then suddeny its "my fault."

 

I'm not on a high horse. I've done stupid things in the past which is how I know what to tell you. This guy is not worth it. Yes we're young and we do things at late hours of the night, I'm not an alien to hanging out with a guy at 3 am because I'm only 21, but if a guy has wronged me and wants to reconcile or have closure, I wouldn't take him seriously unless he called me in advance and asked for a specific time to meet.

 

I'm sorry. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, or blame you, but you need to stop letting this guy push you around. He clearly isn't worth your time. Only time will heal you, but not until you admit that you want to be healed.

 

 

Again ,that's total BS.

That may be true from a "logical" perspective, but as some posters have already suggested, love is not logical!!!.

 

Obviously i would "kick him to the curb" if love was "logical" or if i had no feelings for him.

Not contacting him for 4 months is a sign of being very STRONG and INDEPENDENT, not that those qualities would necessarily make someone attractive ...by the way.

 

Love is not logical, that is true, you're right about that. It can be somewhat logical, though, when two people feel the same way about each other. It's illogical when it's unbalanced, like how it is between you and this guy. But if you love yourself, you will kick him to the curb, because your unrequited love for him is really damaging you.

[1guygirl]

if you know hes a narcisscist then that means you have read up on the condition, and you will have read about "hoovering" (his drunken text asking you over) and also narcisscistic supply...which you have given him buketloads by driving over for three hours, at an inconvenient unsocial time, and then back again, and then sit down and write him a 20-30page letter

 

HE IS GUNNA BE IN HIS TWISTED ELEMENT WITH THAT 1!

 

all them 4 months are now irrelevant to him, he sends a crumby text, and you jump to his demands.

 

its time this was a lesson and to re-read about his disorder and see the signs, the red flags and learn about your own red flag barometer and maybe ask yourself why you want back with an N

[Newbie2010]

Tyhe truth is I wrote that emauil for me, to give me closure. I knew all along he likely would never read it, or even open it! But just the fact that i know isent that letter into his person "box" makes me feel i got closure.

 

I totally get you when you wanted closure. During my relationship, I had tons of questions but always hold them back inside because I didn't think it was worth it to make big deal. But once the relationship ended, it like a bursting water bank and I just had so much thoughts and questions that I demand the other side to give me answers. So I wrote them all down, but didn’t bother to send it to the ex in the end. To me, getting them out of my head was enough to clear my mind. Saving myself the headache from waiting for the ex response and then get upset if he responses back in his careless self-fish way.

 

 

That you so much for your king and looving words of wisdom. Very eloquenty written, and you've actually helped me without making me feel i caused ALL this.

 

You’re so welcome honey. Glad I could help, but do remember that not only me but EVERYONE who commented in this thread were trying to help you as well. Our approach to the issue and our wording might be different to each other. But everyone is saying that “YOU ARE SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOUR EX, AND YOU DESERVE MUCH MORE RESPECTS FROM A GUY.”

 

Why does everything have to be a game?

 

grr i hate this. i wish we could just sit down together, talk things out, and decide to reconcile or have mutual closure.

 

Love shouldn’t be a game, but unfortunately there are people who see it as a game. They are immature disrespecting people, who have no commitment and no dedication for anyone else but themselves. And they are not worth your time if you are looking for a sustainable relationship.

Don’t let your love to this undesirable person controls your life. Don’t let HIM controls your life.

 

What is the purpose of sitting down to have a talk with his person? From what you described of him so far, this is what I’m getting from the guy.

 

A. He’s not going to listen to you

B. He’s not going to change himself for you

C. He doesn’t respect you at all.

D. He doesn’t want to reconcile

E. He doesn’t want to give you closure because you enjoy stringing you on like his backup puppet.

 

Do you really think the ‘jerk’ is worth your time waiting around for him?

 

I agree if i found someone new, things would be much easier for me to "move on." But i dont date people like tissues, or patato chips.

 

I'm very selective with swhom i choose to date. i dont settle, or have lowered expectations. Thats my problem. I would honestly rather be alone, then spend time with someone i dont like or im not 100% attracted to.

Others have no problem dating anyone with a pulse. For me, it's just very hard finding someone I can click with, live close to, be attracted to, and just have chemistry with.

 

It takes years to find, atleast in my situation.

 

I was in your shoes about over a month ago. The breakup had taken a big chunk of ‘belief’ and ‘faith’ in dating and relationship from me. I’ve taken a lot of consideration before entering the relationship but still fail in the end. I questioned the honesty of all men because the one person who chased after you in the beginning seems so different to the one that dumped you in the end. I was blocking myself away at one stage and started telling myself that decent men have long extinct and I shouldn’t keep my hopes up. The chance of the Ex changing his mind is more likely than me finding another person who I want to hang around with.

 

But that thought has now changed, I went out. I’ve met people and then I slapped myself in the forehead and asked what was I thinking before? Nice men are still plenty out there. But you need to give them a chance to show themselves. If you kept locking yourself away by negative thoughts, it will be hard to recognize a nice man even if he was standing right in front of you.

 

Let go of the ‘jerk’ to make room for the ‘gent’.

 

Be attractive and confident, don’t let anyone control your life apart from yourself.

 

Best of luck.

[blue227]

Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond to my situation.

Naturally, I was very angry, frustrated, and irritable due to the circumstances.

 

Aside from being abandoned 4 months ago, I guess I will just have to let my last memory of him be him standing me up after a 3 hour drive. Very, very, very SAD ending indeed.

 

And to think, at one point in his life, he did reciprocate my love. He was the one who asked me out. Anyways, I think the fact that he is 18-years-old, , bipolar type-1 and not taking any medication or therapy, and being a h.s. dropout and a pot smoker/drinker has a lot to do with it.

 

I just get frustrated when he can seemingly be the "perfect boyfriend" with his new significant other, when he treated me like crap. That just means he knows exactly what he's doing, and how to be a good boyfriend. He can spend time with you if he wants to.

 

Just like that movie "he's just not that into you" said: if a guy WANTS to be with you, he will MAKE a way. There will be no doubt that he's interested in you.

 

When he says "i'm busy" that's just BS. How "busy" can a h.s. drop out who works part time at mcdonalds really be? Everyone has the same 24-hours in their day. He's no more "busy" than the rest of us....you, me, or the next person.

 

I hope I'm done receiving his random "drunk dials." After all this, he has no reason to keep my phone number in his phone book, or to have me on AIM.

 

Anyways, thanks again to everyone for your time. You've helped me very much, and I'm sincerely grateful.

[hypatia]

I'm sorry he hurt you like that. That's is one of the cruelest things I've ever heard an ex do post-break up.

 

Calling you up at 4am asking you to drive *3 hrs*(!) to see him, and then you get there and sit in his driveway trying to call and text him while he ignores you?!?! That's deliberately cruel and heartless.

 

You still want him, but please ignore all future contact from him until your emotions catch up to your mind which knows he's not a good man.

[minou]

At first I wondered if it was possible this guy just fell asleep. Some people just don't hear the phone when they are sleeping. If that were the case though, he would have been incredibly apologetic the next day. I still think it's possible he fell asleep and then freaked out to get the really long letter and didn't know what to do in the midst of all the heavy emotion, especially if he is bi-polar, untreated and self-medicating. I do hope you are able to find someone who will be able to treat you really well. Do know that it is unlikely he deliberately stood you up. My vote is that he probably fell asleep and then freaked out when he got the letter. This does not make him someone to be with right now, but maybe someone you can see as just having huge problems and not worth being with, when he can hurt you this badly. Good luck in the future. And yes, I think many people who still adore an ex would leap at an opportunity to see them, whatever the time of day. When emotions are this strong, reason is hard to hold onto in the midst of unexpected contact. I really hope you don't beat yourself up at all for going to see him. It just shows you are capable of intense love. I hope you find someone who loves you this deeply in the future.

[emma j]

 

He didnt even bother to apologize the next day for the way he treated me! I'm really upset and frustrated. Why would someone do that?

 

Unfortunately, he never takes responsibility for his actions. He will blame all of this on me, and it will somehow be my fault that HE stood me up.

 

And you just KNOW that 6 months from now he's gonna call again and pretend like nothings happened.

 

hi there. i haven't gone though the replies from your thread but first wanted to say this. the last 3 years i have gone though a rollarcoaster ride with my now ex. i loved him with all of my being. What you said, which i've picked out above really really stood out for me. My ex was bi-polar and unmedicated and wat you said above describes him to a tee.

 

Hun we DO NOT need people like that in our lifes who treat us with such little respect and who then have the audacity to blame US and how its all our fault for their actions. with no even so much as a sorry. i got dumped right in the middle of my exams, but sure it was my own fault. no no no no way.. not anymore. Time for them to take some responsibility. which really they won't and hey you and i both know it really won't effect them either way..

 

Stay away from him. do as i am. he is dead to me. my number is being changed. i gave this man 3 years of my life and for what. run now, trust me

[hypatia]

At first I wondered if it was possible this guy just fell asleep. Some people just don't hear the phone when they are sleeping. If that were the case though, he would have been incredibly apologetic the next day. I still think it's possible he fell asleep and then freaked out to get the really long letter and didn't know what to do in the midst of all the heavy emotion, especially if he is bi-polar, untreated and self-medicating. I do hope you are able to find someone who will be able to treat you really well. Do know that it is unlikely he deliberately stood you up. My vote is that he probably fell asleep and then freaked out when he got the letter.

 

I'm an overly optimistic person, but I don't think her ex just innocently fell asleep. His other ex's car was in the driveway when she got there. If he was asleep, it seems it wasn't alone. And the OP said there was no apology or attempt at explanation the next day.

[minou]

Oh sorry, I missed the part about the ex's car being there.