Does gentle have to mean 'weak' ?

[froufrou]

I've had a really tough week and I just wanted to feel less alone. So here I am.

 

I have a tendency to speak quietly and be shy around people. Not all the time - with my friends I brighten up and get quite loud ! - but with those who aren't very warm towards me, I can't help but retreat into my shell. I'm so worried that they won't like me and I'm terrified that they might be laughing at me behind my back.

 

I was bullied a lot at school. Physical, but mostly psychological. I was a misfit with a rocky home life, didn't enjoy school at all and felt I had nothing to look forward to. So I just let it happen. It left me as an adult with a fear of getting close to people, and an almost irresistible need to get approval from every new person I meet.

 

And if I don't get that approval ... depression. Total rock bottom. Which I keep to myself, but it doesn't stop me from crying or self-harming when it truly gets to be too much.

 

I'm a terrible judge of character - when I think someone's being nice, it often turns out that they were just using me. I can't believe that I can't tell the difference. I'm twenty six and yet so so naive.

 

I keep getting sad and it's so hard to wrench myself out of the sadness.

 

It seems there is probably a way out of all this, but I can't think what.

[annie24]

no, gentle does not have to be weak at all. gentle can mean that you are nice and courteous to the people around you - coworkers, friends, neighbors, strangers on the bus, etc.... but also having your own personal boundaries. ie, it's ok to do a favor for a friend, but make sure that you are getting your own stuff done first. like if someone asks you to cover their shift, but you already have plans for the day, tell them no, you really can't do it. don't let them pressure or bully you. just say no, nicely and politely. if someone insults you, know that that is a reflection on their character, not yours. on the other hand, know when to take constructive critizism. for example, "Your presentation sucked" is an insult. not ok. But if they said, "I couldn't really hear you from the back of the room, and the font was too small in your powerpoint presentatio," well, those are things you can work on!

[turnera]

Go get the book Atlas Shrugged. Read up about the three main male characters - Hank Rearden, John Galt, and Francisco d'Anconia. All three of them were gentle men. But INCREDIBLY strong in terms of morals, dignity, and respect. VERY admirable. Great role models.

 

On a personal level, you are going to have to find a good therapist and start going regularly, if you want to get our of your low self-esteem. They went to many years of school to learn exactly how to help people like you. I promise you it will help.

[Hermes]

No, gentle does not mean "weak" at all.

 

I agree with Turnera

 

On a personal level, you are going to have to find a good therapist and start going regularly, if you want to get our of your low self-esteem. They went to many years of school to learn exactly how to help people like you. I promise you it will help.

 

Best of luck

H

[CaptainNapalm]

Acceptance. You must accept yourself and your true identity and once you reach a comfort level within yourself, what other people think won't matter so much anymore.

[LightbulbSun]

From my experience, there's the 'weak gentle' and then the 'strong but gentle.' It doesn't mean that you have to be packed with muscles, either; just that you stand up for yourself and don't let people walk all over you.

 

Being gentle is a positive, I think. I think all women want a gentle guy, but also someone that they can't bend and walk all over.

[Celadon]

Yeah, gentle sometimes means weak, but doesn't have to. To be truly gentle, a person respects others and has self-control but also stands for something. A gentle person may speak up when the situation calls for it, such as when another person is being harmed or wronged.

 

A weak gentle person is afraid of making waves and doesn't believe in himself, imho.

 

(I tend to be gentle myself. The hardest part is being patient with people who are rude or selfish.)