Defeatist, pessimistic, drowning in my own self-doom

[ay0_x]

I have a history of depression and anxiety. Most of this is caused by my parents. (Overbearing, overprotective, childhood physical abuse, emotional abuse that continues till today). I cut myself at the time, I tried to kill myself, needless to say I failed. was in therapy last year (My parents thought it would set me out straight because they just saw me as a rebel because I wouldn't go to school and I'd run away a couple of times. I'd lost all motivation. That said, I've never been violent, I've never sworn at them, I've never been in any legal trouble, touched alcohol or drugs or anything of the sort). I quit therapy because my mother was breathing down "arent you better yet, I think you're better now. I dont like that lady" my neck and I couldn't handle it anymore. I spent the next few months just drowning everything out and occupying myself.

 

The obvious answer is to move out but economically, that's not feasible. Trust issues also make it hard.

 

Over the past 3 or so months, my depression has come back. I find myself having bouts of panic attacks during class where I can't breathe and I feel very anxious and paranoid and I just need to get home. They're usually not triggered by anything but they're very noticeable.

 

Really I don't see life getting any better. Recently I've pushed away all my close friends because I dont have any love to give them as I'm struggling to love myself. On top of this, I cut my hair in a bid to make myself as offputting and unattractive as possible. I have self inflicted scars on my body to remind me to never let anyone too close- to never let anyone see me naked [physically or mentally].

 

I dont know what to do. I hate feeling this low. I was always so hopeful that things would be better but now I'm just not. I dont want therapy.. i got nothing last time except a bunch of pills i was too scared to take.

[Speranza]

Most of this is caused by my parents... Really I don't see life getting any better... I dont want therapy.. i got nothing last time except a bunch of pills i was too scared to take.

 

So you want to keep your problems then - somehow they matter more to you than any possible solution, or you would try it.

 

Perhaps you are so used to being how you are that you can't cope with the thought of being different one day.

 

Actually, THIS part of your problems is NOT caused by your parents. I don't mean to sound harsh in any way, but the way ahead when one is feeling out of control is to take some. And that means that FROM NOW ON you are responsible. This may mean saying to yourself, "I'm scared of the tablets, but hey - they might work! Why don't I try them?"

 

I understand how you will feel that your past life has 'made you who you are' but honestly, once you have seen that, the onus is THEN on you to stand up and walk along the path of your choosing.

 

Both therapy AND meds can be enormously helpful, and you are not giving yourself a fair chance of recovery whilever you rule them out. This is YOUR choice, not your parents'.

 

And next time tell the therapist about your mother. And tbh maybe shouting at your parents wouldn't go amiss - or at least, at something representing them, in the therapist's office, for a start.

 

Did you know that sometimes depression is referred to as 'frozen anger'??? Why are you holding it in and turning it on yourself?

[ay0_x]

Hi Speranza, thank you so much for your reply.

 

I know that what I'm doing is keeping my problems, its actually why I posted here. I hate that theyve become such an integral part of me that I cant imagine functioning without them.

 

However, and I know I *am* blaming my parents again, but I really do feel like they're the root of my problems, and if they were different, and I mean completely different people, I would be just fine. The few times I have fought back, I've felt like I was confirming their stigmatism of me as the bad child. My parents aren't totally functional either- My mother admitted last year to my therapist that my dad was abusive, a move I never expected her to make, and I believe with all my heart she has histrionic personality disorder.

 

They'd never allow me to go back into therapy. They were paying for it at the time, and when I was in it, I was bolder and I did have a few fights with them. They were very dissatisfied with my therapist, and my therapist in turn just told me she'd been where I was and what had helped her was moving out. She didn't really offer much in terms of advice, rather, she prescribed the pills just to numb me.

[catfeeder]

Ruining yourself just to spite your parents is a temper-tantrum gone wrong. They are who they are. When you don't like certain cards you're dealt, you can take steps to change them, such as creating goals toward eventually moving to your own place. In the meantime you'll need to play out your hand 'around' those cards.

 

The problem with deciding to make other people into a barrier is that it tricks you into believing that changing 'them' must be your goal, while the most intelligent part of you knows that's futile.

 

When I lived with my parents I adopted tunnel vision that focused on my own goals and needs while excluding any negativity from them. I stopped seeking their approval. I humored them and did my best to be kind and respectful even as I stopped discussing my own problems or intentions with them. My answers became simple statements, such as, "Thank you for caring, I'll consider that." No matter how critical I perceived them to be, I just stopped fighting and started learning how best to buy myself peace with simple acknowledgments of their concerns.

 

One important thing I learned is that there's no need to announce long range plans. No need to say, "I'm going to become a nurse," but rather, "I won't be available on Tuesday, I have a class that night."

 

If your goal is to move out of your parents' home, break it up into smaller goals and view every hour you work or study or pursue treatment as a step closer to earning your way to independence. If free rent and therapy and treatment is available to you, consider that many people need to operate without such support. Then you can appreciate the opportunities you have now or you can squander them. That's a decision.