Am proud of myself..until now. In extreme doubt and pain

[yonanz]

Hi all

 

Im ynanz and some of u may noe me arnd here. all along i have been proud of myself and what i have achieved. 4 days after the breakup i have initated NC. till now its been about 2 months, and i have not broken the NC. not even once. i conside myslf doing fine...until the past few days..

 

recently some things happened that really brough my mood down. one wld think the breakup wld be the last bad thing that ever happened to you, but apparently not. the world still goes on, the list of problems still goes on and multiplies. whilst im reeling from and shouldering the pain of the breakup, there were some other negative incidents thereafter that took place.

 

on the verge of breakup, i made a decision to go for a missionary trip to cambodia in july. it was not a decision borne out of the intention to do good or spread the faith, bt rather, it was a decision that i made at that time [prior to breakup] believing it would change the outcome of things. how so? my ex at that time has decided to gon a missionary trip to japan in jne.we were on the verge of breakup and i tot maybe if i go for the missionary trip as well then we might havea a chance to reconcile. unfortnaely, her destination of japan has no more vacancies and i chose the cambodian trip instead. i tot me going to a missions trip alongside her could prove to her that i am just as faithful as her and she cold be impressed by me going for such mission trips. i wanted to prove to her that i could do it too, just as she could, and that we could do it together.

 

such were my tots at that time. bt eventally we still broke up. after we broke up i was still intent on going thinking maybe it could help prove to her that im willing to go out and preach the faith.however, recently i applied for stdent exchange programme at china and i got in! i was v hapy as it was an extremely selective programme and the university concerned was a top prestigious chinese university. however it coincided with my cambodian trip so i was faced with a dilemma.

 

part of me wants to go for the china programme as it was a great programe and highy selective and i noe i wld have lots of fun and great experience there. however another part of me tinks that if i dont go for the cambodian trip then my chances of reconciliation with my gf will be killed totally. i keep thinking of my gf's impression of me if i quit. will she tink that im yet again indecisive, irresponsible and immature? will she question my decision? will she be disapproving of my decision as it shows maybe im not really as faithful and religious as she thinks i am? whatever it is, its not going to be a good impression to her. but yet another part of me tells me this : why shld i care abot what she feels...shes longer a part of my life....and i din choose to go for the mission trip because i wanted to..it was because i wanted to use it to win her back and sort of impress/prove something to her. and lastly, i knew deep down that i wanted to go for the exchange programme more than the missionary trip as i had always wanted to go to a top university for exchange and it wold be extremely good for my academic record.

 

i decided to tell the cambodian trp organisers that i cant go....because i have decided to accept hte offer for the exchange programme. but now im still tinking if this decision ultiately means that i have decide to let her go...decided to not turn b and decided to let this love die...i keep equating this trip with the chance of reconciliation..that not going to cambodia means there are no more chances of reconciliaton. deep down im still not over her, and the prospect of really letting go is really scary...like letting go of the floating platform and drifting off into the deep sea. its really scary.

 

and recently ihave some issues with my friend. the 3 of us planned to go australia for 2 weeks trip in june. but one of them is really an arrcsee, after weeks of excitement and drive, he suddeny turns cold. replies infrequently, takes long to reply, one liner replies, doesnt show any interest in the trip all of a sudden. i have sent emails and texts but he doesnt really take the initiative to respond, as would an individual who is excited and interested in the trip. im truly exasperated, thinking that if he doesnt want to go, all he needs to do is just tell us honestly. why must he dodge and evade, when as close friends, all he needed was to be upfront and honest with us? we will probably be disappointe and annoyed if he cant go [ as we had all verbally commited to the plan] but not as much as we are now that he is ignoring our calls/giving the cold shoulder/pulling off all these tricks and mind games. i mean, i cant force him if he doesnt want to go, ultimately he has the right to back out, but at least be frank about it, dont play games and drag things. it makes things worst.

 

so every now and then , ever since the breakup, i would encounter such problems that really put my selfesteem down and sorta push me bac to square one. today, after tutoring my student in his house, i walked bac home with a heavy heart, thinking about her..and then thinking about all the negatve things happening in my life right now.. all the problems..and for once..i wished she was there beside me..listening to my problems...and giving me a hug and a kiss telling me shes right beside me and everythings going to be alright. i teared a little but stopped as i told myself never to cry anymore and that i must be strong and independent and not needy and whiny....i have been doing great and i dont wanna set my self back a few steps to where i once was. i dont wana regress...but it really sucks when we have to deal with so many problems on top of, and alongside, the pain and aches of a recent breakup. i wished the problems and pain and negativity would stop at that breakup, but as life continues, so does the probblems. every problem only made things worst as it destorys my self esteem .reiinforces the negativity, and really made me feel worst as i tot i was getting better only to set back a few notches. for example, the prospect of losing that friend over the trip was scary....even though i noe it is his fault if ever things come to that way. however, after the breakup, my frends have become more impt than ever, as they have supported me and provided me with companionship throughout this difficult time. the prospect of losing a good friend, after losing my gf, is really hurting and scary. it just makes me feel even more alone and emotionlly vulnerable. i feel like my social circle and emotional dependables are getting smaller and smaller. i feel loserish.

 

appreciate any views. thnx for reading sch a long article, ireally appreciate it.

[catfeeder]

It might help to consider that you're turning things into problems that don't need to be. The only consequence of your choice to cancel the missionary trip is that you needed to face off with the fact that your heart was never invested in it, it was only a device to manipulate someone else. It makes no sense to do that, because a relationship needs to succeed or fail on its own merits, and turning pretzels for someone just to impress her--especially after she's already broken up with you--is foolish and can derail your life. So you accepted a wonderful opportunity instead, and if you're ever motivated enough to attempt missionary work for its own sake, you can always reinvest yourself at that time. Problem solved.

 

Your friendship needn't be lost over a trip. Simply take the trip out of the equation and let the friend know that you still want to be friends. Some people are more afraid of travel than they realize until they've put themselves on the spot. So take him off the spot. Plan a trip for yourself, and anyone else who wants to join you can make their own arrangements to coincide with yours. Problem solved.

 

The bottom line is, you're grieving and you have every right to do so. Don't make choices motivated by manipulation, and you'll find yourself healing over time. Trap yourself in choices based on anyone else's behavior, and you'll find your healing pushed back and your pain magnified. Lesson learned, I hope.

 

Best wishes for success and healing.