My Wife thinks im cheating !

[alfie]

I have been married for nearly 3 years. If im honest its not been that great. My wife is from another part of the world and has not treat me very good.

I pay all the bills in our home on time, run a business and try to keep the house clean and tidy. With little help from her.

My wife is working and has some good money coming in but very rarly helps me with any bills, i have to ask her for money, she always answers i will help you soon, but hardly ever does and spends her money on mostly rubbish. Please dont get me wrong i earn more money than her so i dont expect her to pay every bill, but wouldnt mind a little help with things. On top of that she is bad to me sometimes. Again i am wrong somtimes, but shouting at me in front of my freinds, trying to break my things etc is not on in my eyes.

 

So heres my problem. I recently and accidently started talking with a girl from the same part of the world as my wife. Im really taken back with how nice she is to me, even though she knows im married. I feel myself getting attracted to her more and more.

My wife asked me if im talking with anyone online, i did not lie and said yes. She wanted to know who but i wont tell her as i fear she and her friend will terrorise this lovely girl.

 

To make matters worse im finding myself wanting to meet her for real. we talk everyday (when my wifes not there) And i feel like i owe it to her to meet her and i really want too.

 

I always pay for all the plane tickets to go back to my wifes home. She just wastes her money on mostly rubbish and says she will help me but never does.

Any way this time i have just bought myself a plane ticket as i have had enough and i have the intention to catch up with this girl if we are still in touch by the time i fly in 4 months.

 

My wife is insisting that ive cheated on her or plan to and i havnt done anything wrong yet. but as i say if she carrys on treating me the way she has i will, without any guilt.

 

I feel really bad for both girls i dont want my wife hurting (even though she has scared me so many time) and i dont want this the other girl getting any problems from my wife and her freinds, i dont know what i should do. Can anyone offer any advice?

 

Sorry for the long thread. Thanks in advance

[d24]

if your relationship with your wife is so bad either work on it or end it. Simple.

That either frees you up to go with this OW or makes you realise what you're doing is extremely destructive for your relationship.

 

Buying yourself a ticket, to see another woman... imagine how your wife feels. and FYI you are intending to cheat, this is premeditated and wrong, regardless of how bad your relationship may be.

 

I think a lot of this could be solved by sorting out your finances so that you both pay an appropriate part of the bills - then work on her shouting and your intended infidelity as separate issues

[Sparkly Eyes]

It seems like your wife is right. You started talking to this girl and now you have this itch to hook up with her and look for excuses to justify it. If you can't/don't want to be committed to a marriage, then don't be in one.

 

I think you should talk to your wife about your financial concerns and solve your issues. And if you still feel like you need to cheat on her, then just file for divorce. Nothing, absolutely nothing here would justify you cheating on her.

[alfie]

Thanks for your promt reply. I totally understand what your saying but i have not bought the ticket just to go see this new girl, i have to go there for work (as i always do). But IF im still in touch with this girl i have to admit i will go to see her. I know its wrong but i cannot forgive my wife for everything she has done. For the record she has talked with people online in the past and i have never stopped her.

[Capricorn3]

First of all, how does one ACCIDENTLY start talking to another girl in another country?

 

Secondly, it seems more than obvious (bolded quoted parts), that you fully intend cheating on your wife in the near future. You don't want to tell your wife who this girl is, you say you feel you owe it to the other girl (really? You OWE her?) to meet her, you have bought a ticket to see her and say you will cheat on your wife without feeling any guilt.

 

Then, in the very next breath, you say you feel bad for your wife and don't want to hurt her? If you don't want to hurt her, then why are doing all of this in the first place?

 

The only advice I can offer you is that if you are so obviously miserable/unhappy in your marriage, get a divorce so that you can be a free man to mess with anyone you please. As long as you are married, you don't mess around. Try marriage counselling first, but if that doesn't interest you, get a divorce.

[d24]

i cannot forgive my wife for everything she has done.

 

 

then get a divorce and go see this girl (if that's what you want) as an honest, single, guilt-free man

[Sparkly Eyes]

Thanks for your promt reply. I totally understand what your saying but i have not bought the ticket just to go see this new girl, i have to go there for work (as i always do). But IF im still in touch with this girl i have to admit i will go to see her. I know its wrong but i cannot forgive my wife for everything she has done. For the record she has talked with people online in the past and i have never stopped her.

 

What's the purpose of this "meeting"? How would you feel if your wife hooks up with some guy at the same time that you meet up (or should I say feel up!) with this girl?

[alfie]

What can i say.......... except you are right. But my wife will not go, ive asked her to leave, told her to go to her freinds, even talked with my mum. But she will not go.

 

Worriedgirl. TBH i would not care if she went to meet another man...... I would pity him. and thats my feelings on that one.

[Capricorn3]

For the record she has talked with people online in the past and i have never stopped her.

Does she talk to them with the intention of meeting them and cheating on you? Like you are doing to her? I doubt it.

[Sparkly Eyes]

What can i say.......... except you are right. But my wife will not go, ive asked her to leave, told her to go to her freinds, even talked with my mum. But she will not go.

 

Worriedgirl. TBH i would not care if she went to meet another man...... I would pity him. and thats my feelings on that one.

 

What is that supposed to mean? you move out if you have to. Do you have children?

[alfie]

I would not know that neither do i care. Sorry to be blunt but its how i feel.

 

Worridgirl. I will not move out of a home that i pay Everything for. Why should I ? No we dont have children, i will not, because i have never felt that we could bring a child up in our home.

[Capricorn3]

I would not know that neither do i care. Sorry to be blunt but its how i feel.

Then get a divorce. Simple as that. You seem to finding a million excuses for the easiest solution. Sorry to be blunt........

[misssmithviii]

This is horrible... how can you possibly justify and rationalize like this? Man up for goodness' sake! It's so immature to me to just neglect the problems with your marriage and become interested in another girl, and then proceed to justify it saying that basically "so what if it's wrong, it's what I want and my wife is being mean! so I won't even talk to her about it and try to resolve my issues with her or even have the tenacity to leave for both our sakes'." That sounds ridiculous to me.

 

You're acting no better than your wife, in fact this sounds like child's play to me. I feel sorry for your wife, that you don't have the interest to solve the marriage instead of just giving up nor do you have what it takes to leave the marriage. You're dragging her alone and that's the REAL rubbish. I also feel sorry for you because there's no way a woman who's openly attracted to a married man has any real respect or even any self-respect IMO.

 

You either face what you got into and finish what you started with your wife - either work it out or you don't. Retaliating with this other chick is grade school. You don't sound like you even truly love your wife anymore IMO to be entertaining this other woman, and making excuses for it because you KNOW everybody will see you in the wrong here.

 

Do the right thing. I don't understand why that's so hard these days anymore... You have it in you, you know full well what's going on, yet you choose the lower road.

[alfie]

Hmmm true words misss but i have been a good husband up until now. I have not done anything wrong yet. My wife has put me though hell for years, why should i have any respect for her. I want her to go, but she wont, what can i do.

[Capricorn3]

I want her to go, but she wont, what can i do.

Again, to spell it out ... GET A DIVORCE! She'll have no choice then.

[alfie]

Your right capricorn3 but she wont. And just for the record i have tried to make things work and talk with her about it, but she wont listen. Please dont think im trying to justify anything here. But this is the current situation.

[misssmithviii]

What can i say.......... except you are right. But my wife will not go, ive asked her to leave, told her to go to her freinds, even talked with my mum. But she will not go.

 

Worriedgirl. TBH i would not care if she went to meet another man...... I would pity him. and thats my feelings on that one.

 

Oh please... I am not sorry to be blunt because it obviously is the only thing you comprehend well.

 

You sound ridiculous I hope you know, you're making a million excuses like "oh I have no other choice... I must cheat! It's all my wife's fault, I'm doing nothing wrong..." and the list goes on and on and on. I'm 19 and I'm fully capable of controlling my OWN life and who I choose to be with. You are a full-grown man and you're whining that you're wife just "will not go, I've asked her to leave... but she will not go" That's not an effort by any means. Must she leave immediately while you two get a divorce? There's lawyers for this kind of thing too you know... You CAN get a divorce and keep your urges at bay to remain a decent, honest man if you wanted to.

 

But it sounds like to me you have your mind set on this, you're in a purely vindictive coldness and there's not enough logical reasoning in the entire world because frankly... you admit to not feeling guilt.

 

If I can get out of a horribly abusive relationship with a drug addict who throws me around the room and I have his barely-born baby, you can definitely get out of this situation whilst maintaining some good reputation... unfortunately that would assume you even care

[Capricorn3]

Your right capricorn3 but she wont..

I'm sorry, but I don't buy that at all. You have never even started divorce proceedings in the first place. If you divorced her, she would have no choice but to leave. Unless she owns the house (which she doesn't) she cannot stay, and if she does, you go to court and they evict her. etc etc.

 

Again, all I see is you making excuse after excuse after excuse. You don't sound serious about anything at all, so why bother asking for "advice" when you know you don't intend taking it anyway? One could almost call this a "troll" post, because all you seem to be doing is baiting people. Nothing more, nothing less.

[alfie]

Just to make it clear misss........ i appriciate what your saying and i agree with it. But i am not trying to justify anything, i know im wrong and have never clamed not to be...... I have no money for lawyers, they cost alot in england. I am being honest i have not lied to anyone. But you are right. And i admire you for what you have done.

[Tanzi]

Wow, OK. So your wife isn't exactly wrong is she? From the title of your thread it sounds as though she is accusing you of something you haven't done. Yet what you are doing is emotional cheating if nothing and she has picked up on that.

 

However, having said that I can understand the quandry you are in. You feel unloved and stuck in an unhappy marriage so you now find yourself looking for that love and affection elsewhere.

 

Firstly though, you don't owe it to this girl to go and see her, what you owe to her is to not bring her into your unhappy circumstances until you have sorted things out with your wife. This girl could end up getting hurt but at the end of the day she knows you are married so shes not exactly in the right either. You also owe it to your wife NOT to cheat regardless of the circumstances leading up to it. You are unhappy, I understand that, but you need to start focussing on either fixing or ending your marriage BEFORE bringing a third person into it, for all your sakes.

 

From what you have said in the above posts it sounds as though you really want out. If that really is the way you feel then you must do something about it. You need to stop hiding your head in the sand as regards your marriage, having an affair is NOT the answer. I know your wife hasn't been good to you and I can fully appreciate why you have found yourself in the situation you are now it but if you want to do the right thing then you should be focussing on what you REALLY want to do as regards you marriage. Saying she won't leave isn't really a viable answer ... if you aren't happy, if you want out, your wife needs to know and you need to come up with a solution. People do it all the time ... you just need to start being honest with your wife ... and yourself.

[misssmithviii]

Your right capricorn3 but she wont. And just for the record i have tried to make things work and talk with her about it, but she wont listen. Please dont think im trying to justify anything here. But this is the current situation.

 

Why are you even bothering to seek advice on what to do when you take no advice?

 

My father told me "Only a fool does not heed sound advice."

 

You're complaining about all your problems and how impossible they are to solve any other way so you must resort to infidelity, which doesn't solve the problem by the way. All I hear is a sophomore in high school talking about how he has no control over his own life and everybody is just so mean so he won't respect anyone and won't face his problems. Truly, and yes I am being very bluntly honest.

 

You are so conveniently out of options in your own mind... how wonderfully guilt-free you must be to emotionally cheat on your wife. So she's mean and unthoughtful... she's not impervious to divorce or you taking her things and throwing them into her friends' house. This is what I call a dead-end. You can tell someone the right thing to do and try and help them all you want, but in the end, they'll just keep blaming everybody else, throwing excuses, justifications, a sense of being powerless somehow.

[alfie]

What ever misssss. You dont know me and i am not blaming everybody, i am wrong and i know it. What more can i say. I am not a bad man. I havnt cheated on my wife.

[misssmithviii]

Just to make it clear misss........ i appriciate what your saying and i agree with it. But i am not trying to justify anything, i know im wrong and have never clamed not to be...... I have no money for lawyers, they cost alot in england. I am being honest i have not lied to anyone. But you are right. And i admire you for what you have done.

 

I'm afraid you do not understand the definition of a justification... the act of defending or explaining or making excuses for by reasoning (yes that's from a dictionary). It's also considered being "defensive" and attempting to justify or defend.

 

Yes you are making rationalizations for what you are doing. You are acting as if there is no other option. You say my advice is spot on, yet you so easily dismiss it with "Oh I know I'm wrong."

 

Do not ask for advice if you don't want it, which you DON'T if you're going to say "I'm wrong and I will do it anyways because there's no other option somehow." Once again, you're whining and not doing anything... sounds to me you're just searching for more and more attention to feed your own esteem.

 

So once again, you're not going to change anything, you're not going to go to different lengths, you're going to do whatever you want to do regardless of the help we here try to provide. I won't waste my time with you any longer but I find it hilarious how adolescent this whole situation sounds.

[Tanzi]

I will not move out of a home that i pay Everything for. Why should I ? No we dont have children, i will not, because i have never felt that we could bring a child up in our home.

 

There are solutions to these matters.. You need to go and seek professional advice and start proper divorce proceedings. That isn't the way to look at it anyway, you are married, you are committed to each other, your house is her house too ... thats the way marriage works. You are now committed to sorting out this problem in the best way possible and being stubborn isn't going to get you anywhere. It doesn't give you answers. If you really want out of this marriage you can get out. Divorce is never easy and there will always be arguments (mostly over money) to start off with but that is something you are going to have to accept if you really want to end this marriage. Things have a a way of sorting themselves out eventually. You really need to get some proper advice.

 

What do you really want right now? To just have an affair with this girl and to plod on in your marriage or to be out of the marriage and be able to find happiness elsewhere? You have to start asking yourself what you really want.

[Capricorn3]

I have no money for lawyers, .

There we go again. Yet another excuse. You have a job, run your own business, say you make a lot more money than your wife does, etc etc.

 

It's amazing that you seem to have enough money to pay for and take frequent trips overseas, yet somehow there's not enough to get a divorce ....

 

Clearly, you are either not as unhappy as you claim to be, or you would do everything in your power to end it. It's probably just so much easier and convenient to stay married and cheat on the side, huh? It doesn't take as much work.

 

Excuses, excuses, excuses .........