Parents: How did you know that you want/wanted kids? ...OR that you don't want kids?

[YabbaDabba]

For starters, let me clarify: I love kids. I've worked with kids off and on for the last 10 years or so, and it has always been a good experience. Even when they weren't listening and/or misbehaving (this was in a classroom setting), the good experiences have always outweighed the bad.

 

When I was younger, like in high school, I wanted 5 kids, over the years--and after working with kids--that's whiddled down to 2 or 3 kids. But, even as I think things like, "When I have kids..." there's this small part of me that wonders if I REALLY want them or not.

 

I'm sure that's normal; especially since a lot of my hesitation/fear/anxiety/uncertainty stems from the fact that I'm paranoid that I won't be a good mom, but really...I'm just wondering about parents' experiences. Mothers in particular, but parents in general.

 

Was there, like, some big epiphany moment when you knew you wanted kids? Or what? I'm about to turn 25 soon and part of me feels like I should have a better handle on myself now; like, I should have a better idea of what I want. As in, kids or no kids?

 

Then again, one of my co-workers is almost 31 and we constantly talk about having kids (we work in an environment where we interact with, and see mother with, small children on a daily basis); this co-worker, who's 6 years older than me, still has the same, "Do I, or don't I?" mentality that I have now, so what's the deal?

 

Is it a personal thing? Is it something that creeps up on you and BAM, you're a mom (or dad) and love it? What?? Sorry, I don't mean to sound so demanding, it's just that, for better or worse, I have this somewhat misguided idea that I should know--NOW--whether or not I want kids.

 

I mean, on the one hand, life without children seems like it might feel empty and incomplete. But on the other hand, life WITH kids seems like it's stressful and, in some cases, the pros don't really outweigh the cons. Like...I read a study somewhere that documented the fact that, post-children, marriage satisfaction decreases and stays at a lower level until any/all children have moved out of the house.

 

That just seems sad, to me.

 

...even as I write that, though, I feel a bit guilty about pre-regretting my (potential) future children.

 

So, really, parents of the Internet, how did YOU know you wanted kids and/or were ready? Or, even on the flipside, how did you know (or DO you know) that you don't want kids?

[newwave]

Ok, I'm not a parent of kids (I am of furbabies though) but really want kids NOW. What surprises people is until I was 35 I absolutely didn't want kids. I'd look at pregnant women and feel sorry for them. I didn't want to deal with kids financially or any other way. I was happy being independent. I even checked into getting my tubes tied. Then a few things changed. For one, I was speaking to a male coworker and he told me he dreaded never having kids. Then my niece was born and I fell deeply for her. Now my feelings took a 180 and now I want kids desperately at 39. Why couldn't this have happened earlier?

[renaissancewoman101]

Ok, I'm not a parent of kids (I am of furbabies though) but really want kids NOW. What surprises people is until I was 35 I absolutely didn't want kids. I'd look at pregnant women and feel sorry for them. I didn't want to deal with kids financially or any other way. I was happy being independent. I even checked into getting my tubes tied. Then a few things changed. For one, I was speaking to a male coworker and he told me he dreaded never having kids. Then my niece was born and I fell deeply for her. Now my feelings took a 180 and now I want kids desperately at 39. Why couldn't this have happened earlier?

 

Newwave, it's NOT too late to have kids.

 

You can still have kids at your age.

[newwave]

Newwave, it's NOT too late to have kids.

 

You can still have kids at your age.

 

Yeah, I'm just glad I came to this now instead of say 45. When I get insurance I'm going to ask my doctor how long she thinks I have until I go through menopause. Maybe even store a few eggs.

[misssmithviii]

Even if you're wondering if you're truly SET on having children, I'd say wait until you're truly happy in love with someone else to share that with (of course).

 

I had a daughter at almost 18 and honestly, I'm 19 and my body bounced back really fast (I have the stretch marks but have been mentally dealing with them on my own) but my doctor did tell me, the best age to be having children is, physically, 17-mid-20s. That's when your body is supple and easy enough to get back into shape (and I'm walking proof). Although women much older can do this too, my doctor just said it's easier. That, and my father always told me that the fulfillment in his life comes from having raised me, taught me and given me the opportunity to have a beautiful life. I feel that way too, and although I never planned on having a child this soon, I think that it's better now rather than waiting until it's too late.

 

My closest friend who I've known since the 6th grade, Michele - she told me she's never seen me smile the way I smile at my daughter (perhaps that's what helped her decide to have a baby too ^_^ )

[wayoverit]

How is one to know if he/she wants kid(s)?

 

When you're ready "mentally" and financially, then you will think about the future with your SO, such as where to settle down, invest, buy properties, where to travel, retirement, and kids.. Kids fall into the category of investment for your future loneliness. As your friends, relatives, and parents move on or pass away, your kids and their kids will still be around for you (of course that depends on how good your relationship with them is). When you're in your dying bed, it is comforting to know your "life acomplishments" come by for a visit and that there are still people who cares. Think about who will visit your grave site? (If you don't care about these things yet, then you're not "mentally" there yet and hence not ready for a kid.)

[LAYAAN]

There is a group on "iVillage", childfree by choice, you can signup for free and IM women on there. I'm not suggesting that you remain childless, I'm only saying that talking with them will give you another perspective.

[Tanzi]

For me, I just always saw myself has having children. It was a given that I would one day want to find someone, settle down and have children but I was in no hurry to do it until I had met that someone special.

 

I don't know if you have a serious SO but I think when people, like yourself, don't really know, it comes to them when they have met "the one". You meet someone, you fall in love, you see yourself settling down and you either do or don't see yourself having children with them. Having children is something very special you do with someone so the answer may not come to you until you are ready to settle down.

 

You have plenty of years ahead of you so perhaps you just aren't ready yet. I wouldn't put yourself under too much pressure just yet about it.

[Catdancer]

I never wanted kids. I spent my 20's traveling, being a gypsy, partying, learning, loving, and starting and building my own business. I had alot of dreams and you know what, I was lucky enough to make my dreams come true. I had goals and I achieved them. At the age of 33 I started thinking about having a baby. I always knew in the back of my head that I would have a son. It was predicted a long time ago, but I pushed it out of my mind and did what I wanted to do with my life. To me it felt like I entered another stage in my life. I feel accomplished and satisfied with what I've made of my life. I am happy and proud of myself. And around 33, I started wanting to pass on what I've learned and show my son what the world is like. I started seeing a man that I fell in love with and I wanted to have a child with him. I got pregnant at the age of 35 and had my son last year at the age of 36. Life after having a baby is different. It's not better and it's not worse than being single, it's just different. For me, I've gone from being a "maiden" to being a "mother". I've just entered another phase of life. But I was ready for it.

 

It's ok to not want kids. It's ok to think about it. It's ok to love being with kids, but love giving them back to parents even more. lol You should just concentrate on you and realizing your dreams and goals. If it's meant to be for you to have kids, you will have them. And you will know when the time is right.