trouble connecting with/reaching out to people

[Car Chick]

I get very lonely sometimes. I don't like that I have no friends, but I have a desperately hard time reaching out to people. I can't start a conversation. And when I finally do find someone that I can converse with, it's still somewhat uncomfortable and I can't seem to go that extra step. A couple of my friends have invited me over or asked that we get together some time or given me their phone numbers. I am comfortable enough with them talking when I see them at work or wherever I see them on a regular basis, but I can't seem to get myself to drop by for a visit or call them. Then I find myself lonley and want to call but don't feel like hearing the whole "Why haven't you called before?" thing and chicken out.

 

What's wrong with me? My brother has a social anxiety disorder. Could I have that too? I want so bad to fit in and have friends. I don't want to be alone forever, but I am terrified of making friends and talking to people and even more terrified of letting anyone really get to know me. I am scared that they'll get close, and then leave me hurting.

[Fudgie]

Car Chick,

 

I'm sorry but you sound EXACTLY like me.

 

I have like no friends (except a few male ones) and I have trouble reaching out. It's almost 9 on a weekend night and I'm in college sitting alone in my dorm room. It's like this every weekend. I eat alone and do everything alone.

 

I wish I could help you but I am at a loss myself. I think there is a lot that goes on...I wasn't socialized well as a child, I don't drink, I'm scared, I hate being hurt...so many things. For real now, what EXACTLY keeps you from approaching people? Make a list of all the things. That's what I have done. It helps me think about it but I'm not sure what to do yet.

 

Do you ever feel like you're on a different "plane" than others? Not to say that you're higher than them or anything, but just that you're in a different place? Just can't relate?

 

Geez, you sound a lot like me. I'm so sorry my post hasn't been much help but all I can say is that you're not alone.

[Celadon]

I really feel for you both because I've had my share of trouble connecting with people, feeling lonely, etc.

 

I'm hoping you'll get a lot of good advice here on overcoming fear of rejection, etc. My own two cents may sound random, but I'm sincere. Have either of you taken an improvisation class? Like theater improvisation? The lesson of improv is to act spontaneously, driven by your gut reaction. Sometimes those of us who are shy miss opportunities because we THINK about them too much. We don't act. We don't drop by friend's houses. We aren't spontaneous. I took a few improv classes and they were great. They were fun. Once you start to have fun, or find ways to have fun in the company of other people, you will find socializing less fearful and potentially painful.

 

If I think of anything else, I'll post again. But I wish you well as you figure out how to connect with people.

[Car Chick]

Actually fudgie it is helpful. At least I know I'm not the only one- that makes me less weird. I don't know what it is that keeps me from approaching. My palms get all sweaty and my heart races when I'm in a crowd of people I don't know. I get panic attacks. I am also claustrophobic so that doesn't help. I was at a concert once and I had to leave because I couldn't take the crowds. My heart was going so fast that I couldn't breath and I felt really dizzy. My vision got blurred and I told my mom I had to get out of there, so we watched to concert from a ways back and we couldn't see anything and it felt like listening to the radio. It sucked.

[Car Chick]

See that's the weird part of it. I don't know that I am shy. People who know me, when I have said I am shy say that's crazy. I sing at karaoke, I teach the kids at my church, I have done theater. I am a very friendly person when I am in the right mode, but I don't know what switches me back and forth between wanting to be the center of attention and being shy. I know some of it is that step of getting closer. That terrifies me. But sometimes even just meeting people is scary too. I am so random that I can't even say if I am shy or not.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Bah, I will throw in my agreement. The only friends I ever seem to have in my life are boyfriends and... well that isn't going exactly as planned. I'm sitting here, 23 years old, in my parent's house ALONE on a Saturday. I've even gone as far as re-connected with the girl in high school who tormented me but I cannot get anyone interested in hanging out with me.

 

 

 

I'm sorry anyone else feels this way, I wish the best for you and Fudgie.

[Fudgie]

I have no doubt that you're a nice person and in the right mode (as you said) you can be outgoing.

 

I think the meeting of new people for you is VERY stressful and tough on you. I read your post and "panic attacks" jumped out on me. I understand not liking to be in crowds (I hate crowds myself!) but you may have some anxiety problem if that's your reaction. You said your brother has social anxiety, right? Depression/anxiety does run in families. I have both, as well as everyone in my family.

 

I would suggest seeing a therapist first...who may be able to direct you to a good psychiatrist. Some meds and some therapy could really help you. I am currently doing the same now (also seeking help for my depression) and it's slow work but I am making some strides.

[Shallow]

I can relate to this, as I can be quite avoidant as well. Whether we have an actual "social anxiety disorder" is best left to the "professionals". In my case, most of the signs are certainly there.

 

However, K8tie has offered some excellent advice. I'm certainly a thinker, and tend to analyze everything ad nauseum. While this is good for certain things (like my job), it's certainly a detriment to my social life . . . what little there is. She's right that you have to be able to shut down those voices in your head and just be "in the moment".

[Car Chick]

I have no doubt that you're a nice person and in the right mode (as you said) you can be outgoing.

 

I think the meeting of new people for you is VERY stressful and tough on you. I read your post and "panic attacks" jumped out on me. I understand not liking to be in crowds (I hate crowds myself!) but you may have some anxiety problem if that's your reaction. You said your brother has social anxiety, right? Depression/anxiety does run in families. I have both, as well as everyone in my family.

 

I would suggest seeing a therapist first...who may be able to direct you to a good psychiatrist. Some meds and some therapy could really help you. I am currently doing the same now (also seeking help for my depression) and it's slow work but I am making some strides.

 

I have thought about seeking professional help. Did I read the top right though that you said you doubt I am a nice person? Or is that a typo? I am nice to people, just scared of them.

[Fudgie]

haha yes, I meant to write "NO" doubt in capitals but it somehow got omitted, so I fixed it Sorry about that!

 

So yes, I have no doubt you're a nice person but are scared. It's understandable to be scared. I just think considering your stress reaction to the situation, as well as your brother's history, that it may be wise to seek a professional. It's very possible that you may have the same thing as he does.

[Car Chick]

I can relate to this, as I can be quite avoidant as well. Whether we have an actual "social anxiety disorder" is best left to the "professionals". In my case, most of the signs are certainly there.

 

However, K8tie has offered some excellent advice. I'm certainly a thinker, and tend to analyze everything ad nauseum. While this is good for certain things (like my job), it's certainly a detriment to my social life . . . what little there is. She's right that you have to be able to shut down those voices in your head and just be "in the moment".

 

I don't know how to do that. I don't know even know why it's so scary for me. I have had a lot of people hurt me in the past, but I can't think of any one that happened right before I got this way. In fact, I don't even remember when it happened, but I know it wasn't always this way. When I was a little kid, my poor mom, was always freaking out because I was missing again. I would wander off and she'd find me talking to a random stranger. I remember her losing me at a water park one time and when she found me I was asking some lady if she knew who Jesus was and if she'd like to know how she could go to Heaven where all the pretty gold and jewels were. She didn't know whether to scold me for running off and talking to strangers or whether to applaud me for telling people about God.

[Car Chick]

haha yes, I meant to write "NO" doubt in capitals but it somehow got omitted, so I fixed it Sorry about that!

 

So yes, I have no doubt you're a nice person but are scared. It's understandable to be scared. I just think considering your stress reaction to the situation, as well as your brother's history, that it may be wise to seek a professional. It's very possible that you may have the same thing as he does.

 

I thought that. Thanks. I know you're a nice person and we seem to be alike so I didn't think that was what you meant, but see that's a part of my anxieties, I have a really hard time believing that people can genuinely like me.

 

Part of it to is my weird age thing. I don't relate to anyone my age. One of my friends that has invited me over has a GRANDdaughter that's OLDER than me. I feel as though no one that much older than me could really think of me as a friend and equal- yet I know nobody my own age will like me because I am so different from them. I feel like when older people want to talk to me, it's like an "Aww what a cute little girl, I'll be her friend so she doesn't have to be lonely, but I don't really think of her as a friend, it's more a pity thing."

 

I have heard comments from older adults, like my one boss that likes me, that I am a "sweet little thing" and a "cute kid". People tend to think I am about 14 when they look at me, but then when the know me more they say I seem much older than me. Because of this, I don't seem to fit into any age group.

[Shallow]

I don't know how to do that. I don't know even know why it's so scary for me.

Me either, but I'm trying. You have to keep trying too.

 

When I was a little kid, my poor mom, was always freaking out because I was missing again. I would wander off and she'd find me talking to a random stranger. I remember her losing me at a water park one time and when she found me I was asking some lady if she knew who Jesus was and if she'd like to know how she could go to Heaven where all the pretty gold and jewels were. She didn't know whether to scold me for running off and talking to strangers or whether to applaud me for telling people about God.

Ah, yes . . . the wide-eyed innocence of youth. Then we grow up, and our hearts are broken in two.

[Car Chick]

Me either, but I'm trying.

 

 

Ah, yes . . . the wide-eyed innocence of youth. Then we grow up, and our hearts are broken in two.

 

I guess that's what happens when we see the ugly side of people. As children, the world is a grand place to explore- free of harm and worry. Then we start to see the ugliness of people. We see their demons and we realize that the world isn't safe, that worry never leaves us, and that people aren't as welcoming and loving as they were when we were children- in my case, even as a child, I didn't have that feeling for long. I lost my childhood when I was seven years old. I remember very little of being a child. Then suddenly, I went from innocent, happy child, to a dark, angry and scared adult.

 

I'm not that same person now. I am happier, but I will never be innocent and I fear I will always be scared.

[Shallow]

I'm not that same person now. I am happier, but I will never be innocent and I fear I will always be scared.

You're right about recapturing the innocence. However, if you stay happy and positive, you will experience the wonder, safety, trust, and love you speak of again when you find the right person.

[Fudgie]

I'm not sure if this will help but let's see...

 

It sounds like you're very mature for your age, perhaps because of your own experiences? It has made you different from our peers and you feel like you can't relate because of it. I feel that way too. Life deals us different cards and it shapes us into the people we are today. Some of us may not "fit" into the normal convention of things, but that does not mean that we are "messed up" or will be lonely forever.

 

I know this probably not what you wanted to hear, but I am hoping with time, you can find true friends. Peers our age are relatively innocent, "temporarily immortal" as I like to call it, and have a lot to learn. You have already learned these lessons. Perhaps with time, when they have matured and have learned these lessons, you will be able to relate a bit more.

 

On the other hand, I do feel that some people just always "remain ahead". There may be no "catching up" because we are all constantly growing. Because of your experiences, you may be ahead and may remain that way.

 

Gah, I'm sorry...I guess I'm just rambling. I am trying to figure this out too.

 

I stick by my original advice that I gave you...but also try to find some peace with yourself, and love yourself. There are some things about ourselves that we may not like, or may make things difficult. We try to change but there is a limit sometimes. There are some things that we can't change. Once we identify them and learn to accept them, then we can gain happiness and a sense of peace. I do hope you find that for yourself.