Ex boyfriend and that one girl who was always there.

[shoe]

So I suppose I'm just feeling the need to rant for a little bit. My ex boyfriend and I dated for a little over a year; we are in high school, but I promise this wasn't your typical high school relationship. We're both mature people. About two months before we broke up, the possibility of my boyfriend moving away for hockey became a reality. I was supportive of the idea, but honestly, that's when things started going downhill for us. I suppose you could say I got scared of the commitment. I didn't want to be that girl who sits at home waiting for her boyfriend to come back, and I didn't want to follow him to the university of his choice. I'm ambitious and have my own plans. So I began to question whether the relationship was what I really wanted. We had declared each other meant to be, and we had planned our future in literal terms. But I started to get scared that I wasn't my own person anymore; I've always prided myself on my independence. So basically.. I started to push him away. But then I would try to pull him back. I loved him to death and didn't love him at all at the same time. I was confused, and he ended up falling out of love (I think), and breaking up with me. This was a little less than two months ago.

 

I have moved on rather well, all things considered. Our break up didn't involve much closure. We didn't talk anything out, really. We hardly talked at all. It's been no contact for almost the entire time. Still no closure from him, so I made my own conclusions and moved on the best I could. I'm happy. Very happy. I've always been the stable one, and he the unstable one (he's bipolar). I don't want him back, because he's not good for me- he's emotionally dependant, has unpredictable moods that are difficult to handle, he's hard to trust, etc... But despite all of our ups and downs, we had something really special, and we had always been willing to work things out. We didn't break up because of fighting- I simply went a little crazy out of my own confusion, and needed space desperately. I am now back to my old self, the one he fell in love with.

 

Now to the reason I decided to write this topic. Throughout our relationship, my ex had this girl friend. This girl is dumb as a brick, to be brutally honest, and she's got a bad reputation for being two-faced, and was a part of that awful 'cool' crowd at school. My gut always, always told me she was not to be trusted, but I let them be friends because I'm not a controlling person. He did a few stupid things with her (sleepover with a few other girls (but nothing technically happened) for example) that we fought over, but never anything bad enough to make me break up with him. Thing is... he's dating her now. I found out today that it's been going on for a few weeks, but he wants to keep it quiet. That's because for various reasons, almost everyone in my circle of friends (a large group, twenty five or so people) dislikes her for some reason or other. He's ashamed to be dating her, because he knows that everyone knows she's that one girl who was always causing us problems. Almost all of our mutual friends would be more loyal to me than my ex if sides ever had to be chosen, and he knows they won't approve of him dating this girl. But anyway. When I found out about them, I felt sick. It's like it was so predictable that I never thought it would happen for real.

 

My ex cannot be single. He's emotionally dependant, like I said. I feel like him jumping into this relationship is a bad move for him. Of course he would go to her- she's the one who was always right there, so when we broke up and he was hurting, obviously she was the one he went to. I see many positives to this, though. 1) It proves that my gut feeling about her wasn't unjustified. I now know I am not just a jealous girlfriend, haha. 2) This will help me move on. 3) I know I'm better off than him, because I'm moving on and happy alone, whereas he is still likely confused and unstable. Okay, that last one isn't really that positive. Because I DO want him to be happy, and I'm so scared he never will be. I wanted to be that person who would always be there to make sure he's happy, but honestly.. it feels so great to be free of that responsibility. And yet..I still ache to be that person for him sometimes. I don't need him. I don't even know if I want him. I just.. am not quite capable of completely moving on yet.

 

So I've decided I need to talk to him, and we need to discuss our breakup. I want him to know why I was acting so crazy, and that I don't harbour any ill will towards him. And for the sake of our mutual friends and school situation, I'd like to have a friendship with him, even just a little one. He did say he wanted to still talk when he broke up with me, but of course we needed some time to move on. (Me more than him, obviously..but I can't assume that just because he's dating, he's completely over it). So I'm planning on calling him and arranging a meeting to exchange our stuff and whatnot.. and I really hope he's willing to talk with me. We both need closure, and he's not one to instigate things.

 

I have no idea why I'm posting this topic- in fact, I may decide not to. It felt good to organize my thoughts, in any case. I'm in a tough place- moving on, holding on, letting go, looking back. In a way it's easy to cry and wallow and want him back. What's hard is truly accepting that it's over..especially when I feel like he might still have lingering feelings for me. So if I can't get closure out of him, that's just not fair. He said to my friend that he doesn't know how I'd react to him and the girl dating, and that he doesn't want to hurt me. So at least he still cares a little bit, and can act decent enough. What I'd like to do is just fast forward and see what happens. I wonder if he actually cares about this girl; they 'have fun together.' That's all it has always been. I wonder if they have a real connection, and if he'll miss the connection that we had, undeniably.

 

Well, that was ridiculously long and pointless, but I'll post it anyway. I hope everyone else is doing better than me with moving on and healing, aha.

[Sonicxman]

It's perfectly normal to feel a bit insecure about the ex, he was once a part of your life, you will get a little uncomfortable with the fact that your SO has someone else in their life. But rationale takes over, and you let yourself forget about it (with time). I know it can be hard to let go, but you need to for the your sake and his. You are going to hate me for saying this, but it is totally relevant, the past is the past. What ever they have is not important to you. More importantly this guy is part of your past and you want to accept that this past is not part of your future. If you do, you will drive yourself crazy. And for what? Remember and think to your self is: "This guy is not the one, the guy that will love and care for me for the rest of your life". Have faith in your future, because it will happen for you.

[DN]

I think it is fairly clear that, on balance, you didn't want him and still don't but are now angry that he has found someone else so soon. I don't think you should try to interfere with that relationship in any way even if she is as bad a person as you and your friends think she is. Even if she is, she is his girlriend now and they deserve a chance to make it work. Anything you do by way of trying to talk to him could damage their relationship and that is not fair to him or to her.

[CatsMeeoow]

I think it is fairly clear that, on balance, you didn't want him and still don't but are now angry that he has found someone else so soon. I don't think you should try to interfere with that relationship in any way even if she is as bad a person as you and your friends think she is. Even if she is, she is his girlriend now and they deserve a chance to make it work. Anything you do by way of trying to talk to him could damage their relationship and that is not fair to him or to her.

 

Not to mention when you try to break someone up... the reverse usually happens... they maintain a stronger connection because they see right through you...

 

My guys ex tried just that... multiple emails and while I never responded to her it put our relationship through the test... when she couldn't get the response she wanted from me she decided to dig up his past gf's and have them email me too... geez... how immature considering we are all 40! In the end where they thought they broke us up they only made our commitment stronger.

 

If you have moved on... then prove it...let this guy and whoever he wants to date alone. It still hurts. Even when you don't want someone and they move on before you it stings. Just remember who you are and what your goals are AND kudos for you for having your own dreams and not following some guy to the college of his choice... Remember you come first!

[catfeeder]

Other people don't give us closure, that's our own job. You've moved on, and you've been working this out for yourself. Picking now to go back and talk with ex would be meddling--pure and simple. It would also be obvious as hell, and you can't talk 'around' that.

 

You've got a good head on your shoulders. Hold it up, and walk forward.

[shoe]

Thanks for the advice everyone. I just want to clear one thing up- the things I would like to tell him have absolutely nothing to do with his new girlfriend. It's a meeting I was planning on organizing before I even found out about them. Just meet for coffee, exchange our things, mention a few things, and be done. Even getting rid of his stuff seems like closure to me. He doesn't want to hurt me, so why would I do something rude like dump his stuff off at his house without a word? And he would still have my stuff. These are the things I was going to tell him:

 

1) I was not and am not depressed. How I acted around you at the end of the relationship had nothing to do with me independently, but rather related directly to my confused mind, and how I wasn't sure the relationship was what I wanted. And I apologize for never talking to you about anything that was going on in my head.

2) I don't hate you for breaking up with me. I still think you're a good guy- just not good for me.

3) You don't have to hide your new girlfriend..especially if she's trying to be a better person, our friends aren't going to condemn you for dating her.

 

That kind of thing. The kind of 'we're good, I'm good, hope you're good, okay see ya later!' kind of thing. I've asked a few friends who know him pretty well, and they think it's harmless. He probably thinks I've known about him and his girlfriend for a while, so I don't think he would consider it meddling, especially if I even encourage him not to keeping hiding her.