a question on the "friendzone"?

[asthesparrow]

So I met a cute and charming guy a year ago, and we became friends very quickly... We're still quite close and I am really excited to be seeing him soon after 3 months apart...

 

Well when we met our relationship was far from wholesome, and for the past year we were both in on/off relationships so I tried to distance myself from him because the temptation was far too strong... There were, shamefully, periods where we saw eachother more often than we saw our SO's.

 

Well, now for 5 months he has been single, as his SO cheated on him, and I left my SO 2 months ago basically for physical abuse among other things. I had been checked-out of that r/ship for a lot longer than 2 months, and I am over it.. This is not about needing love or a replacement.. This is simply a guy I have wanted for a very very long time and vice versa...

 

So he's been undoubtedly in "friendzone" for a long time... but I know deep down we are both aware of the spark... I don't think either of us are keen on a relationship anytime soon, so do you think it is a bad idea to dabble outside the friendzone for awhile, considering it would basically be, well, to test that "spark" that has lingered for a year+ now...

[asthesparrow]

Advice would be nice guys... I know something like this changes the dynamic of the friendship more often than not, but I feel both of us have been holding in that temptation for so long, I would love to finally visit it and let it free...

But I am just doubting that I should take him out of "friendzone", if he's going to go back there after.... Or maybe he wants that too?

[fLuiD]

I think you both need WAY more time to heal from your prior relationships.

[asthesparrow]

I think you both need WAY more time to heal from your prior relationships.

 

? I don't think you know our situations enough in order to say that.

But thanks.

[alli]

I think 5 months is a decent amount of time to wait before staring another relationship. It really depends on how long & invested that previous relationship was, but after nearly half a year, I think you'd be close to par.

 

You on the other hand, your breakup is better measured in weeks than months. Beginning another relationship 8-ish weeks after getting out of an abusive relationship is a bit quick. I know you said you emotionally checked out long ago, but still, the relationship JUST ended not that long ago.

 

Maybe start talking to him more & build up your friendship more. I'd say give yourself at least another couple months before getting into another relationship. Definitely don't rush into anything too fast. At the very least, don't get physical with him before dating & agreeing to be in a relationship after some time, or else this could very well turn out to be a rebound for one/both of you. Kind of sucks when you sleep with someone, thinking it will bring you closer together, while the other person decides they don't want ANYTHING other than "friendship" with you afterward. Just sayin'..

[asthesparrow]

"I don't think either of us are keen on a relationship anytime soon, "

 

I guess I'll just have to say what I didn't want to say, lest I be judged by strangers online....

 

I want to sleep with him. Simple as that. I want to finally give in to feelings I have, and finally take it that one step further, as we have come very close to it many times before, and are as close as two people can be, without actually being in a relationship.

Neither of us want a relationship.. and he is 2 years younger than me, haha, and I don't date younger people

 

So.

[alli]

"I don't think either of us are keen on a relationship anytime soon, "

 

I guess I'll just have to say what I didn't want to say, lest I be judged by strangers online....

 

I want to sleep with him. Simple as that. I want to finally give in to feelings I have, and finally take it that one step further, as we have come very close to it many times before, and are as close as two people can be, without actually being in a relationship.

Neither of us want a relationship.. and he is 2 years younger than me, haha, and I don't date younger people

 

So.

 

I can see why. It's someone you've had feelings for, for a long time, and you both always had to suppress that. Now you're in a situation where you can do it guilt-free since you are both single. Now, are you sure that you are prepared to emotionally handle a one night stand (or a FWB, if it develops into that)? Being in an abusive relationship is ROUGH and it takes a while to heal completely from that. My first relationship when I was 18.. I wouldn't call it abusive per se, but it was DEFINITELY going in that direction. He was always trying to guilt me into doing things I didn't want to do and control me. It didn't start until probably 6 months into the relationship, but I put up with that crap as long as I could until I couldn't take it anymore, and dumped him 2 months later. But the damage was done. I was too nervous to get in another relationship. I didn't know what a "right" relationship looked like, and I absolutely would not let a guy tell me what to do at all, because I wasn't about to fall into that crap again. It took a while before I was ready to be in a relationship again.

 

FWBs can be emotionally difficult. What if one of you decides you want more? Someone can easily get hurt. All I can say is, go into it with your eyes open and have a VERY frank talk with him before doing anything, so you can be absolutely sure you are both on the same page & neither of you are making any assumptions.

[asthesparrow]

Yeah thank you so much, this is what I want to hear. I feel really good considering the past four on/off years with an abuser, and considering it has only been 2 months. Some would say it's impossible that I have healed, but if you saw me now and compared it to how I had been in the past, say, after 3-6 months apart from him (we broke up many times!), you'd say I really am doing phenomenally.

I guess the differences this time are:

a) I am physically attracted to other people

b) If he called me right now, I wouldn't want to answer

c) same as above, no desire to speak to him again

d) not emotional about it, not upset or angry

e) this time round actually felt desire to be free, found it easy and painless to leave my ex, had a strong sense that it was "TIME" finally

 

So yeah, I think I am ready to 'move on', and I trust this guy I am talking about so much... I wouldn't want to "rebound" with anyone else because I know he genuinely cares about me...

We've both spoken to eachother about r/ships and how we aren't looking -- he wants to "play the field" and I want to be independent and FREE FROM CONTROL for the first time in years!!

It just seems like good timing, but I am slightly afraid to string him along...

[Blackey]

Well, it might work, but most likely if it doesnt you will lose this friend forever.

I was in a similar situation, i used to have a good friend for 6 years, we were really close and talked on the phone every day for hours sometimes, and for these 6 she had

 

boyfriends, then i had girlfriends, so there was no time when we both were single at the same time, but we both felt a spark for these 6 years, then last year,

on the 6'th year to our friendship, she got out of a relationship and i was also single at the time, and we just hit it off...well let me tell u, at the beginning it was really really good...amaizing i can say... we knew each other really well, so we pretty much

 

connceted on the spiritual and physical level, there was genuine care and so on.

But in time, conflicts arose, mainly because she has already graduated and wanted to move in and get married with me, but im still a student at the university, so i have a couple more years to study, so i couldnt make this step right now.

 

Eventually the relationship ended up pretty badly, she found someone else who has a house and money and left me for him, pretty bad after 6 years of great friendship and almost 1 year or intimate relationship.

Despite of her being a good friend in the past, someone i always imagined would be in my life till we get old and die, and not necessarily as a lover but could be just as a friend, the intimate relationship has killed the friendship and just erased of ALL of these 6years and everything that happened between.

 

So the point is that you are in a risk of losing this friend, but you know what, i dont feel sorry, we had to try it, otherwise you will always wonder "what of", so just know the risks and the benefits, because most often than not, people do not stay friends if their intimate relationship is failing.

[alli]

So yeah, I think I am ready to 'move on', and I trust this guy I am talking about so much... I wouldn't want to "rebound" with anyone else because I know he genuinely cares about me...

We've both spoken to eachother about r/ships and how we aren't looking -- he wants to "play the field" and I want to be independent and FREE FROM CONTROL for the first time in years!!

It just seems like good timing, but I am slightly afraid to string him along...

 

 

Just remember, a FWB is not obligated to not sleep with anyone else unless explicitely agreed upon. Don't make the assumption he will remain "faithful" to his FWB with you just because you're having sex & you think he cares about you. What if he meets someone else & decides to be in a relationship with them? Obviously ending the FWB would be a good idea for an honest person. It's just something to think through & analyze a few different scenarios for how this could turn out in the end, and why you need to set up some ground rules beforehand to help keep you from getting hurt, and emotionally prepared for when the FWB ends, because obviously you aren't going to stay in a FWB forever. I'm not trying to talk to into it or out of it, it's just a good idea if you think this through first. Yield before proceeding.

[asthesparrow]

Oh well I have thought about it a lot... I don't want a FWB situation with him.. I'd like to hook up with him, and see where it goes, but FWB is a weird situation for me, I tend to avoid them.. I have only ever slept with the same person about 1-3 times when I haven't been 'dating' them, it tends to get a bit weird after that..

And I'm also not the jealous type... I wouldn't mind if he slept with another girl(s) at the same time... Not sure what he would feel though, as I don't plan to be 'exclusive' with anyone for a long time..

I guess the only way to work this out is just by doing it!