Very complicated beginning to a relationship... advice?

[VH88]

Hey guys,

 

So, I'm possibly about to begin a relationship and it's a very complicated situation. I am at university in Australia and was studying at a winter program in the US for a couple months over December and January. There I met this girl and we became quite friendly. I liked her from the beginning and thought she also liked me, but wasn't completely sure. I decided not to make a move or tell her how I feel as I figured that I would be going home to Australia very soon. I'm back in Australia now and we've been in contact through facebook and IM. Recently we've been in discussions about me going to the US and moving in with her for 2-3 months in the middle of this year (as friends, we hadn't ever talked about it being anything more than that).

 

Yesterday I decided to tell her how I felt, as it felt wrong to move in with her without making my feelings know. She responded by saying that she felt exactly the same way and is extremely excited that I'm coming to live with her soon. There have also been talks of her coming to Australia to visit me afterward. We haven't specifically discussed starting a relationship though.

 

Getting over the initial elation, I've just now realised that this is moving ridiculously fast. From being friends to all of a sudden living with each other. I asked her if it might be an awkward situation and she said she's fine with trying it out. I don't see it as an option to break the whole thing off. I feel it's definitely better to give it a shot than wonder what could have happened. The question is, what do I do now? Should I try to start a relationship before going there (through things like skype and so on) to lay some of the groundwork? If so, how do I bring this up or initiate this?

 

Any advice on what to do when I go to the US?

 

Finally, am I completely mad?

[asthesparrow]

Whoa.

I'd never ever move O.S. for someone, let alone someone I do not know well...

All I can suggest is, make sure you BOTH have your heads screwed on.

[Blue Skittles]

What do I have to say? Why the hell not? Its an experience - Life is such an adventure and I think we need to embrace it full-force. I have to say my best friend moved to the other side of the country and moved in with this guy she was in love with and now they are back living on this side of the country together, have been together 7 years, and are engaged to be married. Its beautiful.

 

What have you got to lose? If it doesn't work out then whats the worst thing? You move back to Australia? But you've had one hell of a time in the U.S. while you were there.

[misssmithviii]

I'd first suggest you create more of a relationship with her via Skype or whatever webcam kind of thing you both have got going on. Next, as long as you have a way you can always return home (financially) I see no problem going for something and taking the chance.

 

I would react differently if you had said you both were planning on moving permanently; but this, not that bad as long (once again) as you can always go back.

Have an escape plan! ^_^

[catfeeder]

Would you be moving primarily for the relationship with her, or do you have job or study opportunity you'd be pursuing regardless of whether you stay at her place?

[Fudgie]

To answer your question: I don't think you're mad, but you ARE infatuated. And sometimes infatuation can make people do things that they regret.

 

I get the whole "Life is an Adventure" thing, but you need to be smart about it. You don't know this girl that well...you don't even have a relationship with her, and yet you're moving in with her? It may not be permanent, but it's several months...what if things don't work out? What's your back-up plan?

 

I don't even really understand how someone can move into someone's house for a while without a relationship even begun. That's moving unnaturally fast and you may run into some difficulties later on. You need to be very prepared.

[VH88]

Would you be moving primarily for the relationship with her, or do you have job or study opportunity you'd be pursuing regardless of whether you stay at her place?

 

There are a couple other reasons but she is the primary one. If it didn't work out I'd probably come back to Australia fairly quickly.

[VH88]

To answer your question: I don't think you're mad, but you ARE infatuated. And sometimes infatuation can make people do things that they regret.

 

I get the whole "Life is an Adventure" thing, but you need to be smart about it. You don't know this girl that well...you don't even have a relationship with her, and yet you're moving in with her? It may not be permanent, but it's several months...what if things don't work out? What's your back-up plan?

 

I don't even really understand how someone can move into someone's house for a while without a relationship even begun. That's moving unnaturally fast and you may run into some difficulties later on. You need to be very prepared.

Back up plan is to come back to Australia. I'm starting full time employment at the beginning of next year so have 6 months to play around with.

 

I do know her reasonably well. We saw each other almost every day for 2 months, hung out all the time and lived in close proximity. This was all 'as friend's though (neither of us revealed our feelings at the time, although thinking back on it, it was quite obvious on both sides).

 

How would you suggest I go about being prepared?

 

And yes, I agree that it seems a bit weird/fast to move in (separate rooms by the way obviously). Do u think I should live elsewhere but still close by? We've already talked about whether we think it's weird to move in and her response was "for sure it's ok with me. Whatever else, you're probably one of my best friends anyway".

[Fudgie]

I would personally think that it's a bit better to move somewhere that's close to her but still your own place, yes. This way, you can see each other whenever you want but you still have your space. Remember, you don't know each other very well so at this stage, it's important to still keep some distance.

 

When I say "be prepared", I mean don't put all your eggs in one basket. Don't make plans assuming that it will work out with this girl, because it may not. You really don't know enough about her to assume anything. Just don't get your expectations too high.

[generaldiscord]

I'm going to go ahead and state what may be an unpopular opinion:

 

I think people learn alot more about each other as "friends" than they do in a new relationship. Yes, it's unnaturally fast, but you seem comfortable, so it might not be too fast for you. When you have limited time it is probably better to make the most of it.

 

That said, if you do end up moving in with her, you need to respect her space, and respect your own space. Even having close friends over at the apartment can sometimes be overwhelming for me after a while, because I tend to disregard my own need for personal slacking off time, and then I get grumpy and unreasonable. If you find yourself frustrated and angry about stupid things (as in, furious beyond words that she could DARE to put the pasta strainer on a different shelf AGAIN) than you should know it might just be because you haven't had the chance to sit around and catch up on webcomics in too long.

 

So, respect that she needs space, respect that YOU need space, and if things go sour, there are always student hostels/spare couches/other apartments/flights back home to fall back on...

 

GOOD LUCK!

[VH88]

The point about space is a good one. I'm naturally an introvert (and shes' naturally an extrovert) so will need to make sure I get some time alone to "catch up on the webcomics"

[pamela3340]

Continue to be friends. Is there another opportunity for you to come back to the states to study or travel abroad? I would not suggest moving in together, but if it made sense for you to come back here for school or "work purposes", get your own apartment and continue to see her. Moving too fast to soon is a wonderful way to start off on the wrong foot. Even with good intentions. Good luck.

[generaldiscord]

The point about space is a good one. I'm naturally an introvert (and shes' naturally an extrovert) so will need to make sure I get some time alone to "catch up on the webcomics"

 

Sometimes I grumpy for no reason, and it's just because I've been spending ALL of my time with company. Seriously, an hour or two loafing around on the couch can work wonders on my mood Just don't make my old mistakes, starting stupid mini-dramas about things which seem very very important while I'm grumpy (My good lord, he RATTLES THE KEYS when he locks the door! He complemented my bangs AGAIN! He rolls his r's!) which I later regret completely. Now I can tell when the grumpiness is setting in, and I put on my best smile, and say I have to "get some work done", and excuse myself for a while.