I don't know what to do - it hurts so much

[tristesse]

Hey,

It's been now 20 days since the day my boy friend of 4 years called to tell me that he wasn't coming back home from his trip (visiting his family in L.A). I 've had 0 contacts with him since then. I don't understand how he can just leave everything still..it hurts my stomach to think about it. How is he doing without me, not calling me…how is he fine and I am not.

Gosh I can't take this anymore….I am so helpless…I'm thinking about him non stop and miss him terribly ! I want him to call me, to try to contact me. I can't sleep at night it' s been 20 days, I am hunted by his thoughts, I'm driving myself insane. how did he do all that? How? What should I do….god it's killing me…. I can't call so what should I do…..;-(

[amaranth_04]

Hi there,

 

If he left you in that manner, quite likely he's not going to offer you an explanation, at least not one that makes sense.

 

Are you trying to move on or holding out hope for his return ? If you're moving on, you have to let go questioning why how etc, 'cos you may never know, and you're right, it will just drive you crazy wondering.

 

Have you put away whatever that reminds you of him, get rid of them or set them aside for now, photos, letters and so on. Limit yourself on how often you think about him. For now, it's still early days, and after 4 years together and a break such as yours, you won't be able to just stop thinking about him. Instead of going the extreme and not succeeding, give yourself some time each day where you think about it, 'cos you will think about it even if advised not to. But limit yourself, and the rest of your time, do other things to try and take your mind off him. He may still linger but when you're absorbed in other activities, thoughts of him won't invade your mind.

 

In your sane moments, remind yourself of the way he left you. The way he left you after 4 years together. Do not make excuses for his behaviour based on other happy times shared with him. He did what he did this time the way he did it. No excuse. See that and see him for what he is.

 

When your resolve to not contact him weakens, remind yourself why you are feeling the way you are feeling now, because of him.

 

I read your other post where you explained your situation. If you have tried to get in touch with him at least for proper closure and he's not offering it to you, get that closure for yourself. You have to take steps to end it for yourself, not let him have the final word and only then it means it's done, because if you are going to do it that way, he's just going to string you along.

 

Distract yourself, with other people, activities. Soon, you will feel stronger to not get in touch. And when you're more removed from the situation emotionally, you will see it for what it is, and realize that you deserve better and he's not worth the time and a place in your life.

[trypanosoma]

I agree with the previous post. Three weeks is plenty of time for him to call you. Of course it makes sense to find out the explanation of why he stopped calling, but if you continue to think about him you're just hurting yourself, especially since his actions state that he has decided to move on living in LA. If he doesn't want to have a long distance relationship then you'll have to move on. It was a great experience being with him throughout those four years, but you deserve to be with someone who thinks you're the greatest. And a guy who isn't respecting you and is hurting you isn't worth the grief. Give it some time, it hurts now but you'll get better.

[tristesse]

Hey,

You're right but I tried all that. I took all his stuff away, cleaned my room, even redecorated and painted my hunted place… but it's driving me nuts…. I can't stop thinking about him and how he left me, his work, his school, his friends and everything else just like that…I wonder how he's not calling and it's driving me insane…. I keep myself busy, so busy that I am tired of being busy, but doesn't matter what I do where I am he's with me…my friends, I don't want to talk about him anymore ( I always thought talking about an ex more than 2 weeks is annoying) so I try to stick to that rule for myself too… but now I can't talk anymore…I have nothing to talk about…I miss his voice so much it's hurting me. I keep on thinking if he had planned to leave or if it was a last minute decision, if he has guilt and fears…I am so tired of thinking about him, but also I can't help myself…I feel so weak and tired… nothing seems to make me happy…..

No body talks about him anymore, even his friends think it's a lost case and no need to talk about him any longer…. My family hate him for what he did to all of us, so we can't talk about him…I am just suffering in silence…. Trying to laugh because of my sister's wedding that is coming soon… but life is just so BLACK…. I need him so badly it's killing me… I want him! Please help me!

[amaranth_04]

You have to see he's no good for you. Your family's, friends' and, his friends' reactions reinforce that.

 

You can't keep on thinking that you need him. You do not. You only need yourself, and the people who are still by your side.

 

It's hard to let go 'cos you were together a long time, yes, but esp. because of the way he left you. It was sudden, and w/o closure, no explanation, no validation for the four years shared.

 

You just have to go through the motions each day, til you no longer have to make yourself go through them. Set a schedule for yourself, stick to it. You need some structure around you 'cos you're feeling all over the place now. The best thing to do is to cut all contact, as though he never existed. That will help you move on.

 

Don't go over and over how and why he did this. He did it, and that gives you your answer right there. That says enough about the man he is, or rather, the man he is not.

 

You have to make an effort to focus your thoughts away from him, and take things slowly one day at a time in moving yourself away from him, mentally and emotionally.

 

If you want answers, try reading books on relationship psychology to help you place all the thoughts you're currently having.

[hopeful1]

I just read your post and I have been there. When it is that new. The break it is hard to be rational. I know. The pain can be overwhelming,

 

Just found this really good post under Breaking Up. Lots of good help and insight. Thought of you.

 

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