Everything is wrong and i need help

[BreatheMe]

I don't post here very often but i really need some guidance. I'm sorry if this is long... I don't know how i am going to explain it all in only a few paragraphs.

 

It started when i was 12. I was sexually assaulted. Now i am 16 and until 6 months ago, i was in denial about it for 4 years. 6 months ago, i was in a situation which reminded me of it which made my come out of my denial stage. From then on until now, i have felt so many strong, crazy emotions about it that i have only really just began to understand. First it was guilt, then i would go through cycles of anger, anxiety and feeling empty and depressed.

 

In a way, things make sense more than they did before. Now i understand why i did the things i did, and felt the emotions that i felt the years after it happened. I won't go into details, but i self harmed, and at the time i didn't know why. Also, i am scared of men. I can't get close to guys and i've never had a boyfriend because i completely panic if they ask me out and i get angry and push them away. At the same time, I'm clingly and needy. I don't mean to be. I don't want to be but i can't help it. I realise now that all of that is because of what he did. I never told anyone until 6 months ago. My family still don't know.

 

I really, really need to talk to someone. I think i need professional help. I just want to understand why i feel the emotions that i feel. Recently, the anger has been replaced with grief and i keep crying, but it feels positive, like i'm finally dealing with it. Things are so hard though. I feel so emotionally tired. The last 6 months, i have been trying hard to carry on regardless of everything, but it seems like suddenly i'm broken, and i can't do it anymore. I feel like i have lost all of my strength. There is a pain inside of me that i have carried all of these years, and it's weighing me down so much. It hurts so much. I want to live again. I want to deal with this so i can get on with my life.

 

I just feel like i am going crazy. Two weeks ago, i cut myself and it bled so much, i was terrified. I said i would stop, and so far i have done well, but the urge doesn't go away. The last two nights, all i have been able to think about is inflicting pain on myself some how. I almost OD'd last night. I don't want to die, i just wanted to be taken to hospital so someone could save me. I know that sounds messed up. I just feel like i can't wear a mask anymore, i can't put the effort in because i am broken and i don't have the strength to hide it anymore. Now, i am scared of being by myself because i can't stop thinking about cutting, drugs, not eating... Anything that will get me the help i need.

 

When i go back to college, i am meant to see a counsellor, but i'm now not sure if i can wait another two weeks. My anxiety is back. I don't understand why i'm feeling like this. Is this normal for someone who has been sexually assaulted? I haven't talked about it for so long that i'm scared it's made me have some kind of break down.

 

Please, someone help me. I am terrified. I need answers and i need to know what i have to do to get my emotional strength back. I want more than anything to move on and get on with my life.

 

Thank you for reading this.

[TN-Walker]

Sweetie, I'm sorry you are going through so much. It's not easy to deal with something like this. You need to talk to someone about it, and you've taken that first step toward healing by coming here.

 

I was sexually molested for years when I was a child (starting at the age of 5 until I was around 10.) My entire personality was affected by this. I grew up shy, quiet, and very insecure. I felt inferior and even thought that my classmates in school had a party to celebrate whenever I was absent. I look back now and realize how silly that was, but I was just a child and that's how children who have been damaged think.

 

I often wonder what my personality would have been like if the abuse hadn't happened, and who I would have been. I never received counseling. In fact, this is the first time I've ever told anyone about it, and I'm 47 years old!

 

Do you know what I did though? I decided not to let that negative experience ruin my life. I became stronger; overcame my shyness, the shame, and the pain from what happened; and within myself, I forgave my abuser (who was a family member). I became a teacher and ended up as an assistant professor at a college. I found a strength within myself to move on, and I found a strength in God to live.

 

Just recently, I ended an abusive marriage of four years. And I'm having to go through the same process again. I could choose to curl up and let what my husband did to me destroy my life and my relationships and who I am. But I have decided not to give him that power over me. I control my reactions. And I chose to learn from the experience and move on.

 

Sometimes things happen to us in life that we have no control over. But how we choose to respond to them is under our control. We can choose to let them destroy us. Or we can choose to overcome them and use them to grow stronger. It's up to us.

 

You have strength within you that you don't even realize. Let God help you find that strength to get past this situation. Live your life. Enjoy your life. And don't let this end your life.

 

My prayers are with you.

 

Hugs,

 

Lisa

[catfeeder]

This is heavy stuff, and you're not freakish for having trouble with trying to handle it on your own. There are people trained to help you through this. You don't need to tell your parents anything you can't right now in order to let them know that you're having some troubles and need to set up a session for counseling. Assure them that you'll speak more about this when you're ready, but just ask for their help with insurance and an appointment.

[BreatheMe]

Thank you both for giving me some hope and inspiration. Things are a tiny bit less crazy now. I've kind of got myself to calm down a bit and hang on one more week until i can finally talk to someone about it.

 

Right now i'm feeling pretty lonely though. I guess everything feels worse at 3.45 in the morning.