jealousy problems

[ItsComplicated]

so my girlfriend and i have had a few jealousy problems in our relationship. Long story short..

 

A couple months ago we were out and met this guy and had a convo with him.. he asked us where we worked etc, etc and we told him. The next day I find out that he searched the internet for the company my gf worked for and emailed her to ask if she was dating someone and to ask her out for coffee. She said she was dating me but they made plans that weekend to go out with his friends and do stuff. I didn't feel comfortable with that and I told her so she didnt go and now doesn't talk to him anymore.

 

There is a girl i met last summer through friends and we've hung out a few times (never alone). I'm completely not attracted to her but my gf seems to think she likes me. My gf does NOT want me to hang out with this girl. We've had multiple arguments over this and she keeps tying the 2 cases together.. "if I can't hang out with him, you can't hang out with her!"

 

A few weeks ago I confronted her about this and told her it was completely unattractive and I was tired of arguing about it. She told me she didn't care anymore if I hung out with the girl or not and that it honestly didn't bother her anymore.

 

Well this girl is having a party this weekend with people I know so I RSVP'd to it. Last minute, my girlfriend got invited out for a weekend trip with her friends so I thought I'd have no plans for the weekend and told this girl I would be coming. Over dinner tonight, my girlfriend found out about this and was silent at first but then brought up that other guy again and we started arguing.

 

She summed up her argument perfectly by saying, "I have had to give up guy friends because of you (referring to the guy who looked up her email address and to her ex) so I think you can give up 1 friend for me."

 

I had no idea we were playing a * * * for tat game with friends or something... I didn't want her hanging out with this dude because I found it creepy that he looked up her email address like that and she still made plans to hang out with him. I didn't want her hanging out with her ex because.. well yeah its her ex and it just made me feel uncomfortable. This girl has never asked me out, has never been remotely intimate with me, and is friends with a bunch of my friends and yet my gf wants me to just stop talking to her just to make things even in her books or something?

 

I need help from more experienced peoples

[cazmoore]

I find that to be a double standard. You saw something fishy that she may not have found weird, but your girlfriend is getting vibes from this girl and you. There's always two sides to a story anyway. You have to respect her feelings and work on the trust in your relationship, or else you have nothing. I don't really find it appropriate to make new girl 'friends' when you're dating someone and to spend time alone with them, go to the movies with them or go hang out at their house... I think most people would. You can justify your own feelings, but do you know what someone else is thinking? If this is a party, why don't you bring your girlfriend? I think it's a little odd if you're RSVPing to a party and you're not inviting your girlfriend.

 

Talk about it. Don't argue. I have friends who are guys that my boyfriend has met, and usually when we hang out it's in a public place and with other people. No issues.

 

I usually find that girls (and boys) are very willing to hang out with people who are in committed relationships while they're single, yet when they're dating someone... they've disappeared! Isn't that funny?

[ItsComplicated]

Hey,

 

Hmm.. I RSVP'd for the party because I wasn't sure what my plans were this weekend. I THOUGHT my gf and I were going to go out like we normally do but since she made plans to go skiing I didn't want to be bored at home.

 

A little more to the story: After talking it out with her friends she decided not to go this weekend. At that point I figured I probably wouldn't be going to this party anyways. She asked me what I would be doing tomorrow if she had gone skiing instead and I told her the truth: that I would probably be going to this person's house (I didn't think it would be a problem since she told me 2 weeks ago that she didn't have a problem with it). Thats when things got messy.

 

I agree with you that its not appropriate to make new girl friends when you're dating someone and spend time alone with them so I'm not sure how that relates to my problem. I never did that and I never had intentions to either. I have similar hobbies with this girl (which is how I met her) and the only time we've actually hung out is when we bump into each other while doing this hobby. And let me reiterate, we're NEVER alone, nor would I even consider it.

 

I've really been working hard on trusting her.. .which is why when she told me she might ski over the weekend I didn't ask any questions. I didn't care who was going and I didn't care that our plans this evening would have to be cancelled.. I even encouraged her to go. I dunno... I just got so frustrated when we started arguing about this stuff again because I thought we had resolved it...

 

Thanks for your reply

[faithful14]

It's hard for your girlfriend because when she found out you were uncomfortable with her hanging out with a guy, she stopped talking to him. So now she feels uncomfortable with you hanging out with this girl and feels like you don't respect her enough to do the same. Invite your girlfriend to the party and let them get to know each other.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Your girlfriend does not like the idea of you being with this woman. Her reasons are not as petty as you make them out to be, she finds the situation uncomfortable and it may not be a issue of trusting you, but is an issue of not trusting the other woman. You may not have any inclination toward this other woman, but that does not mean she is completely innocent or does not want something more. It is only fair that you don't see this other woman at your girlfriend's wish, especially since you made the same restrictions about her seeing another man. If you do continue to see this other woman you are being hypocritical.

[shessofly]

umm yeah sorry but i'm with your gf on this one. how is it okay for you and not for her? you were uncomfortable with her communication with this guy so she ended it, and now she is uncomfortable with your communication with another girl and you don't see why you should end it for her. i'm sure she would say the same thing about this guy - that she only sees him as a platonic friend. really, how do you not see this?

[cazmoore]

Yeah.. well, I gotta agree with the rest of the posts. I see how you're justifying it... but I still don't think it's right. I'd try putting yourself in her shoes. I really don't think she's wrong. It seems a bit disrespectful since she respected how you felt when that guy had the hots for her.

 

It almost seems really convenient that you're going to a party that this girl is at, when your girlfriend is gone skiing. Of course she'll get red-flags. I don't see why you can't be friends, but I really think you should wait until your girlfriend gets the chance to go out with you and checks out that girl. I always try to befriend my boyfriends girlfriends but really I'm doing that so I can check them out on my radar. And honestly... I really like all his girl friends.

 

It's all the same... It's just manifested itself differently.

 

Sorry!

 

Btw.. I noticed your old post from March. 'losing interest'. Am I reading too far into something with this new girl being in the mixture with your friends or is there some deeper issue there that hasn't been mentioned?

 

I think this problem you have is just a symptom of something greater and it's coming out in this.

[ItsComplicated]

OK thanks all. I'll take a step back and look into this a bit more... I guess I'm just not seeing this the way I should be.

 

Cazmore.. I'm not sure what you mean about this girl being in the mixture but I'm not thinking about cheating if thats what you were thinking. I have introduced them before but my gf really has no interest in talking to her. My gf actually doesn't have much interest being friends with any girls.. almost all her friends are guys which is frustrating because I have stopped hanging out with some of my other female friends for reasons like this.. my gf finds something she doesn't like about the girl and then I slowly stop contact.

 

I kind of feel like this is the last straw. I talked about this with my gf (after taking advice from this community to bring up my problems) and I thought I sorted this out with her... kind of like a clean slate. My understanding is that we would both work harder to fix this problem of ours and I have been trying on my end.. and then this comes up and its like we're back to square one. I see what you guys are saying but how can anything ever improve if the justification is always, "you did it to me last time!"

[Joshb]

Im a agree with everyone else here, im a guy by the way. Double standard, how can you even justify what your doing as ok!? are you serious or stupid (yes im being blunt). It doesnt matter why you didnt like her going with this guy, shes your gf and shes not comfortable with it, all that matters.

 

Why do you feel the need to hang out with this new girl now? how can any good come from that? I can understand you both having opposite sex friends before relationship that you might keep in touch with every once and awhile, but making a new opposite sex friend while in a relationship (what good can come from that?) I find it very disrespectful and quite frankly your disrespecting your gf. Your situation is no different then hers at the end of the day, you wouldnt like it, just as she doesnt. Why is this new girl so important? \

 

Your gf probably didnt go away with her friends to ski because of you...did you think of that!? Your only bringing more problems to the table. I have 0 desire to go out and find a new female friend, nor would i, my girlfriend is enough, dont need another woman in my life. Get your priorities straight man, seriously!

[Smythe]

There's more to this...so your gf, who has many guy "friends" has influenced you drop many of your girl friends? Wait a minute.

 

Do you all hang out together? Does your gf hang out with her guy friends by herself?

 

What has she done to make you work hard to trust her?

 

Then again...you can agree with your gf and have that card in the back of your pocked next time another guy wants to hang out with her. Meanwhile, find something wrong with her guy friends and ask her to dump them.

[CarnelianButterfly]

I kind of feel like this is the last straw. I talked about this with my gf (after taking advice from this community to bring up my problems) and I thought I sorted this out with her... kind of like a clean slate. My understanding is that we would both work harder to fix this problem of ours and I have been trying on my end.. and then this comes up and its like we're back to square one. I see what you guys are saying but how can anything ever improve if the justification is always, "you did it to me last time!"

The problem is that you have a obvious double standard in how you are dealing with your relationship. That has not been fixed if you are still seeing someone she asked you not to see. It is a reasonable justification because a relationship should be based on fairness. If you are going to restrict her from seeing people, you need to be willing to make the same compromise.

[cazmoore]

well I'm not insisting that you're going to be cheating, if that girl just happens to be around all your friends... then what's the issue? She's just a girl, that happens to be involved with the same group of friends you have, right? That's what I mean with the 'mixture'. This girl hasn't really done anything wrong - the girl that your girlfriend is threatened by. She's just a girl that hangs out with the same group of friends, I couldn't understand how this would even bug anyone.

 

But.

 

I'm just saying, something must have happened for your girlfriend to get freaked out by this. Is this the same girl that's related in your other post where you're all thinking about going on a road trip together? Something had to have started this. Was this RSVP on facebook? Or did you call her up and talk to her on the phone, does she have your phone number and you text each other? If she just happens to be there and hangs out with your friends too, why has this girl suddenly become a threat? Is your girlfriend like this with every girl? Or is it this one in particular?

 

And no, you're right. There really is no sense in beating a dead horse if you guys are going in circles with the same problem, but I don't feel like people's insecurities develop from no where. They don't just 'happen'. Something has to have set it off. It might be something that you're completely oblivious to and how you both handle these problems.

 

I think you're crazy to have given up your friends (even if they were girls) for your girlfriend. Grow a pair, man. Don't ever let anyone put you under their thumb... neither of you should bend over backwards because you're both a wee bit insecure. You both KNOW where the lines are in relationships. Your girlfriend should know better with the guy and meeting up with him and his friends if that ever happened - I don't see how you needed you telling her 'no'. She should have just 'no' from the beginning, and forgot about it like it never happened. You're going to get people from now until the day you die, finding you somewhat attractive, you can't let it be an issue every time someone gives either of you some interest.

[ItsComplicated]

Joshb: It adds up. We have to make a stand somewhere. If I let this one slide then where does it stop? The next time she finds someone she doesn't like do I stop seeing that person too? If this girl is hanging out with my friends does that mean I can't go just because she is there? When does it end? No, my girlfriend didn't go skiing due to other issues completely unrelated to this.. she only found out after. Maybe I'm stupid but I don't think I should bend over backwards for my gf every time she is uncomfortable and she shouldn't do that for me either.

 

Carnelianbutterfly: During our last "argument" where I brought up our problems, she told me outright that it was completely OK if I hang out with this girl and that she had no problems with it. I wouldn't have RSVP'd or even considered hanging out with this girl if this was still an ongoing issue.. I thought it was over with but it apparently wasn't as she brought it up again.. thats kind of whats frustrating me here.

 

Cazmoore: I have her on facebook but I don't even have her cell number and I don't chat with her regularly or text her at all.. I probably bump into her once every 2 months or something which somewhat confuses me.

 

Question: Is there really no difference between feeling weird because my gf wants to hang out with a guy who just looked her contact info up on the internet and asked her out versus her feeling weird because she has a "feeling" this girl likes me even though the girl has expressed no interest in me (that I know of), hasn't even had physical contact with me, and isn't in regular contact with me at all? To me its not just a matter of not hanging out with her .. but it'll mean i have to avoid my friends too when they're with her and that doesnt seem right to me. If she had asked me out or something I could see where my gf is coming from but in this case I'm not really drawing a solid connection.

 

Smythe: That last sentence is what I'm trying to AVOID. If I understood you correctly, thats just the vicious cycle we've been having that I'm trying to break... which is what I thought we broke when she told me she had no problems with this girl anymore..

 

 

*phew* .. going to have a lot of convos going on here at once but I think I nailed everything.

[sugardonut]

Your girlfriend can probably sense that this other girl likes you, even if you have no attraction to her.

[faithful14]

I don't think you should stop from having other female friends and if you're gf doesn't want to get to know them, then that's her decision. But out of all the female friends you have, is this girl the only one she has a serious problem with?

 

Because if that is the case, then I agree with the above poster who said that your gf can sense the attraction the other girl has for you, even if you don't like her back.

[geekgirl4]

I don't think you should stop from having other female friends and if you're gf doesn't want to get to know them, then that's her decision. But out of all the female friends you have, is this girl the only one she has a serious problem with?

 

Because if that is the case, then I agree with the above poster who said that your gf can sense the attraction the other girl has for you, even if you don't like her back.

 

This is a good point. You shouldn't be giving up your friends. Does your gf have problems like this with many of your female friends? Is so, it might be a self esteem issue. If it's just with this one girl, then your gf might be seeing something you don't. Girls are often a bit more perceptive in picking up signals.

 

Also, the whole meeting and being friends with a guy who searched you online is kind of.... If I had common sense, I would be pretty wary of being friends with him. The only reason I would agree to meeting him is if I was naive or enjoying the attention of someone who took the effort to search for me...