What do you look for?

[Resolute]

I've been reading on this site, and lately a few posts have surfaced that point out how they had a list of things they looked for in a partner. They said it was unrealistic to start with, but over time their interests or needs changed and their list became more refined and realistic.

I'm wondering what exactly people look to get out of a relationship or look for in a potential partner. I am looking for responses from both sexes, all ages, and all sexual orientations. If you are on the more... mature side of the spectrum, what was it you used to look for? What changed, and why did it change?

 

I'll start, and I'd like to think I'm not very picky.

 

Firstly, I look for happiness. I cannot stand people who pity themselves all day, and if theres one thing that drives me crazy, it is when people scrape the pity barrel, ie. "Oh you don't love me". Also, I think true happiness is a rare thing and it's uniqueness adds to the overall appeal of that person.

 

Other than that:

• I want someone who is loyal, and a bit of reassurance every now and again is also a nice benefit.
   
  
• I want someone who is intelligent with a beautiful personality. I'm looking for a partner for life, not a butt-buddy.
   
  
• They need to be adventurous and love to travel
   
  
• Not afraid of commitment
   
  
• Supportive of me and what I want from life.
   
  
• Able to stand up for themselves and what they do, or do not want.
   
  
• Good at communication, or at least not afraid to express themselves.
   
  
• I'm not against clingy, but only to a point - I want to know they want to be with me, but not to the point they cannot breathe without me. That is simply too much to live up to.
   
  
• Finally, I want a person who is going to do something with their lives. Not completely reliant on me and my goals.
   
  
• Absolutely, under no circumstances can they drink or do drugs. No exceptions.
  

 

In hindsight... maybe I am a bit more picky than I had thought

[Fudgie]

Nope, it's good to have standards...

 

I think it's kind of silly to have ridiculous physical standards but not when it comes to personality and such! It's good to know what you like and you're more likely to find someone that matches those and makes you happy.

 

I look for a lot of things in a guy:

 

-I look for guys who are older than me, settled, homebodies, quiet, mostly serious

-morbid, sarcastic sense of humour (to match mine!)

-loyal and has integrity, also supportive of me and won't distract me from schoolwork

-intelligent and hard-working

-no kids and not wanting to have them

-likes similar things that I do (movies, walking outside, photography, etc.)

-no partying/drugs/heavy drinking/clubbing/dancing, etc.

 

I don't even consider looks anymore. I actually think the "buff" muscular, masculine look is a total turn-off for me. I also don't like military buzz-cuts, or guys that are really insecure about their gender and need to be "macho" all the time. Ugh, such a turn off. I think I also find that those sorts of men can't stand me either, because I'm out-spoken and dominant.

 

Yep, that's about it.

[asthesparrow]

I think I'm pretty picky, too. But that is not to say that I won't date or like someone who doesn't have all these qualities, just that most of them are ideal. Some, are necessary (:

+ Good hygeine. There's no excuse not to wear clean clothes, shower, and brush your teeth. (Or wear deoderant)

+ Good conversationalist

+ Similar interests

+ Ideas person

+ Fit, healthy eater

+ Backbone, has guts

+ Happy (as you said), none of that woe is me cr&&

+ not an alcoholic or drug addict

+ Knows how to dress well (not amazing, not expensive, but hobo is crossing the line)

+ Reads, loves to learn

+ Supportive of me, believes in me

+ Open minded

 

Oh yeah, and:

+ hopefully not interested in marriage

+ wants to work hard & travel

[newwave]

In my 20's I was so picky it wasn't funny. I was pretty (model) and only wanted a hot guy who drove a fancy car and had a lakefront condo downtown. Now, that would be nice but not happening. Assuming he fits all my other qualifications (never married, no kids 40-45 or so) here's what else I look for:

 

1) Be faithful. I am not putting up with a guy who cheats. He cheats, he's out the door.

 

2) Not abusive. I hate abusive guys and that means emotional and physical. Don't tell me I need to lose weight or dye my hair. Been there, done that. By the same token don't be a violent person of any sort. Don't be the guy who gets into fights. Not cute.

 

3) Be nerdy. I don't care if he's into Dungeons and Dragons or Star Wars. Smart guys are a turn on, especially since I am a nerd myself. I like this more than sports.

 

4) Don't be a sexist or racist. I am not a stay at home mom type and if that's what you want, leave me alone. I have a biracial niece and if you throw out the "n" word, you won't get another date.

[Fudgie]

newwave,

 

I hear ya on the sports thing! Sort of goes along with my "no macho dudes"

 

Sports are so boring! Sometimes I have to wonder when I see females write "Oh I love to watch sports!" Are they just saying that to appease guys?

[asthesparrow]

newwave,

 

I hear ya on the sports thing! Sort of goes along with my "no macho dudes"

 

Sports are so boring! Sometimes I have to wonder when I see females write "Oh I love to watch sports!" Are they just saying that to appease guys?

 

Ha! I agree. I love being active but organised sports that are popular world-wide are kind of reminiscent of religion, and that scares me.

[Resolute]

I think I'm pretty picky, too. But that is not to say that I won't date or like someone who doesn't have all these qualities, just that most of them are ideal. Some, are necessary (:

+ Good hygeine. There's no excuse not to wear clean clothes, shower, and brush your teeth. (Or wear deoderant)

+ Good conversationalist

+ Similar interests

+ Ideas person

+ Fit, healthy eater

+ Backbone, has guts

+ Happy (as you said), none of that woe is me cr&&

+ not an alcoholic or drug addict

+ Knows how to dress well (not amazing, not expensive, but hobo is crossing the line)

+ Reads, loves to learn

+ Supportive of me, believes in me

+ Open minded

 

Oh yeah, and:

+ hopefully not interested in marriage

+ wants to work hard & travel

 

I have to agree with a lot of these. I figured good hygiene was a given, but apparently not

 

I also look for someone who actually has a passion in life, whether it be for a cause or photography for example. Anything that makes them who they are.

[Resolute]

Guilty

[newwave]

newwave,

 

I hear ya on the sports thing! Sort of goes along with my "no macho dudes"

 

Sports are so boring! Sometimes I have to wonder when I see females write "Oh I love to watch sports!" Are they just saying that to appease guys?

 

I don't mind some sports, but those guys who are obsessed are not guys I'd date. Macho guys turn me off.

[asthesparrow]

I have to agree with a lot of these. I figured good hygiene was a given, but apparently not

 

I also look for someone who actually has a passion in life, whether it be for a cause or photography for example. Anything that makes them who they are.

 

Ugh I was on a date with a guy once, halfway through he kissed me, and when I stopped, he was smiling... And he had gingivitis, something CHRONIC!! Oh it was horrible.

[Resolute]

Keep the lists coming, I'm quite curious.

[lonelyandblue]

• Loves Kids
  
• Patient!!!!
  
• Quiet and Serious but have a sense of humor
  
• Stable job history a plus
  
• if not that, then stable person in general.
  
• Nice eyes
  
• Preferably a bit of pudge, but not an overabundance ( like the teddy bear type)
  
• Educated preferred
  
• Hygeine, lol
  
• No past military experience (don't hurt me, just a preference!, I have respect for military personel)
  
• No jobs that are too demanding
  
• Strong family values
  
• Forgiving
  

[teabee]

My lists used to include height requirements, age requirements, physical characteristics, and other things that don't really matter to me anymore.

 

Now:

-I'm attracted to him and him to me

-We are both introverted and can spend long periods of time hiding from the world together (I don't think I could be with someone who has to go out all the time socializing)

-Thoughtful (I certainly found this in my bf. He does little things like sending me Good morning texts when I have to be up at unholy hours for work.)

-Shows a genuine interest in me (my bf rented the movie Good Hair so he could understand more about my african hair!)

-Completely trustworthy

-Independent (yet a little bit addicted to me!)

-Happy, optimistic

-Intelligent

-Emotionally stable

-Great communicator

-Someone I feel "at home" with so I can be 100% myself

-Giving

-Sensitive

-Attentive

 

I'm sure there's more, but that's the gist of it

[cazmoore]

Respect is huge. I don't want someone to laugh at things I say or speak down to me as if my dreams and aspirations aren't important. He doesn't stare at women when I'm around (I understand the look here and there, but seriously, don't be a perv, have some respect)

 

Loyalty is huge. Don't let your friends talk about me in a bad way. If ever I was disrespected or mocked or spoken to in a horrible way in front of my boyfriend and he never stuck up for me, that would be it.

 

Personal space I value. I live with my boyfriend but I do not want to spend every waking moment together. I have my own personal interests and sometimes I'd like them to be on the other side of the house.

 

Affectionate. Someone who can give you cuddles without feeling like it's an obligation. I love touching and cuddling. Not all day and all night, but every now and again I just need a hug.

 

Sexual exploration. I can't stand a guy who is shy about sex and his body and isn't willing to try new things. Also, there's that old term 'foreplay starts in the kitchen'. Help tidy up and tidy up after yourself. There is nothing sexier than a man who is willing to help around the house, who is willing to clean up after a nice dinner you made. I do not believe in male female roles, and I'd hope he wouldn't believe in that either.

 

I hate when guys are grossed out by women farting. It really ticks me off. Or they're grossed out by periods. It's a huge pet peeve and it's petty. I find it to be a lack of maturity. I'm not talking about ..."Hey Jim! listen to this.... *ffffffffffaaaaaaaaaaaaaaRRRRRtttt..*". I've had a boyfriend who was do disgusted about a fart he heard come out of me, yet he did his 'left cheek sneak' all the time and cranked them out.

 

I like when guys are nice to their mothers. How a man treats his mother can tell you exactly how he feels about women (in my humble opinion) also, he has to come over to my house to visit my parents. I'm not exactly family orientated, but I like having family dinners at least once a month with my parents. Do it, even if you don't want to! It's just one of those things.

 

I'm over the drinking phase. I was over that at 20. I expect a guy who is around my age to have a good job, have his act together, not snort lines and doesn't have cases and cases of beer in his house and prides himself on his beer belly. It's disgusting.

 

Also, you have a brain and a mouth. I don't understand how some people (men, mostly) get that angry and will punch a hole in the wall or throw a laundry basket or something accross the room out of frustration.

[teabee]

Oops I just repped you and said "here here" not "hear hear"

But YES, great post!

[cazmoore]

Oops I just repped you and said "here here" not "hear hear"

But YES, great post!

 

haha... thanks girl

[cazmoore]

My list of things that I wanted use to be physical characteristics, but I realized after being enrolled in University, being nursing and seeing the alcoholics come in and out the hospital, the friends I've lost to drugs (who are still alive) who are unemployed because they wouldn't get out of bed - my views completely changed. I need someone who is stable - everyone has thier own mess to deal with. I'm not willing to listen to the 'woe is me' crap.... get up off your butt, and put your life together. Work hard, take pride in your work, even if you work a $14/hr job. If I see a guy working hard, who pays his bills, is responsible... that, that I LIKE. Not the guy who makes $25/hr who doesn't save his money and spends it on a dime of weed a week, a case of beer... ugh. Seriously.

 

At some point in my twenties, I just hit that 'wall' and I thought, no, no more. I'm worth WAY more than that. I didn't work my butt off to waste time on a guy who isn't willing to put in the effort for me.

 

When I started to date guys, I thought... "can I really see this guy raising kids with me? Will he be willing to make dinner after I worked a 12 hour shift? Will he support me when I'm sick? Or when my dad dies and my mom needs to move in when we're in a sandwich generation?" Those are the things you should be looking for in a partner. How they deal with stress. Do they walk away and let you deal with the mess? It's very cowardly. I just want to make sure when I have a family, that I raise strong kids and the kind of person I pick, will totally determine that. How he speaks to me and how my kids see that... it has a huge ripple effect.

 

They say you can tell a lot about a man as well by how he handles Christmas lights, and how he handles lost luggage at the airport! SO true.

 

I know I'm going a little off topic, but seriously... when you get down to the nitty gritty, that's what it's really about. I think I'm past the physical appearances and I'm willing to settle for a guy that obviously isn't drop dead gorgeous, but works so hard (and vice versa) and we have the same goals. If not, you're left with someone you're trying to change to fit in with your wants.... and neither of you will be happy.

[Sanesoul]

newwave,

 

I hear ya on the sports thing! Sort of goes along with my "no macho dudes"

 

Sports are so boring! Sometimes I have to wonder when I see females write "Oh I love to watch sports!" Are they just saying that to appease guys?

 

Oh sweetie, I could talk your ear off all day about the Chargers and Philip Rivers, that's all me baby It helps that hubby loves them too, but if he didn't, he'd have to put up with me.

 

I'm crazy for football.

[Sanesoul]

Ha! I agree. I love being active but organised sports that are popular world-wide are kind of reminiscent of religion, and that scares me.

 

It's good fun. Nothing wrong with that, and certainly nothing close to religion.

 

Although...I tend to pray on Sundays that the Chargers will do well...

[WomanWriter]

Mine have changed. While I have certain preferences, as I get older I don't care so much about those things. What I really want is:

 

--makes me laugh and doesn't take everything too seriously

--touched emotionally and expresses it openly and genuinely

--a straight-shooter, but tells the truth out of an obligation in love

--follows Christ and aims to grow into the person He wants

--straight edge lifestyle--healthy, no addictions, or working towards elminating them

--open to trying new things but comfortable at home doing nothing

--responsible but not type A personality

--family-oriented, pet-oriented

--believes deeply in marriage and honors women

--uses good manners and thoughtfulness with everyone, a true gentleman

-has self-retraint

--affectionate--loves holding hands and cuddling

[Hermes]

I have simplified it:

 

Psychologically sound, mentally stable, emotionally present. You got that, all the other points you all have mentioned in your posts simply fall into place

 

Trust me.

 

All the best

Hermes

[veralyn]

Hmm.. well i'm a 21-year-old girl.. woman.. whatever. My standards I think are too high because I've only ever had one serious boyfriend, my love, and whoever I end up with next has very big shoes to fill. However, I love people, and the world. Qualities I most admire in the people I know:

- Intriguing. There are some people who no matter how many times you talk to them, no matter how much you know about them, there is always something to continue to draw you in. It's kind of like magic.

- Passion. For anything. It doesn't even have to be FOR a specific thing or hobbie... Just a passion for life.

- Adventurous. I dislike when people are too calculating and indecisive. Stop thinking and go live!

- Interested. Any guy that has given me butterflies has shown a genuine interest in me and everything around him. When a guy is only talking to you because he wants to bring you home with him, or when he's not interested in getting to know you, you can tell...

- Nature. A love for outdoors and sunshine and walsk in the park and jumping in the lake are key.

- I agree with one of the above posters: Nerdy So cute. But cool nerdy. Not like, I sit at home and watch star trek and play warcraft for 15 hours a day.

- A little bit of a jerk... With a huge soft spot... Maybe it's just me. But every guy I've ever fallen for has been so self-assured that he basically does not give a **** what he says or does. I find this admiring... However, only if he has a huge soft spot in his heart as well. Especially if it's for me

- Creative. OK cool if you're into sports... but I'll be bored. Artists, musicians, any form of love for the creative side usually makes for a very interesting person. And interesting things to do! My ex-boyfriend was an artist, and he bodypainted my whole body once. I will never ever forget that. And i still have all the art he made for me hanging in my apartment... and the songs he wrong on my iPod... This to me is far more interesting than who won the game last night, ha ha

- FUNNY!!!!!!!!! Even if you're not ha ha funny... When I'm with you, I want to laugh. I want to walk around and enjoy the world no matter what we're doing. Laugh, it's good for your soul. and nothing should be taken that seriously..

- preferably british

 

OK so i guess i too have pretty high standards. those are just ideal qualities though. i think that when you fall in love with somebody, it's not based on their characteristics. i think there's something deeper than that, some kind of connection that can't be put into words or lists. and then whatever qualities they have become your favourites.