He cheated....now what?

[Trulyhonest]

Well here I go...

I found out about a week ago from my boyfriend's best friend that my boyfriend of a year had cheated on me about 2 months ago. I confronted him on it and he denied it for hours, but finally confessed. He pleaded and pleaded with me telling me that he made the biggest mistake of his life and that he loves me so much. I broke up with him immediately in anger, but he continued to call and text me telling me that he'd do anything to get me back. I was so in love with him (and still am) and I don't know what to do.

 

He lived an hour and a half away but we saw eachother every weekend. This was that last thing I would expect from him since his prior girlfriend of 3 years had cheated on him and we had talked about how much that effected him and hurt him.

 

At the time he cheated, we were having some problems, but we had gradually fixed them and were doing great when I found this out.

My friends and family, especially my brother are just in awe that I would even consider taking him back. I don't want to lose their respect or my own self-respect by doing this. and I'm not even sure I can do this. It's been about a week and a half and he is still incessantly calling and telling me that he loves me and that he needs me in his life, but I have yet to verbally recipricate any of those feelings. I am so hurt that someone who says he loves me and cares about me could do this because no matter how hard the relatonship got....this was never an option for me. How do i build trust from none? What can I do?

[DAVO11]

it may not be much use, but follow your feelings.

 

If you are still in love with him, maybe you should talk to him and find out why he cheated on you and then you can decide if you still want to go out with him.

 

Im sure he had a reason and im certain he will tell you if you talk to him.

 

Thats all i can say, i hope it helps.

 

Good Luck

[xxatti]

Well its ultimately up to you. But if there's no trust anymore, then the relationship is pretty much doomed. I would tell him you need some time to sort things out. That should slow down the incessant calls. You could try and take things slowly and see if you can build your trust back. But after a certain point, if you cant, you just have to accept that and try to move on.

[vitalcoaching]

Hi,

 

This is something between you and him. I would keep away what you family or friends think about it. It's your life, so don't act under pressure.

 

It is okay to forgive someone and take them back. That's the way sometimes relationships grow and become even stronger.

 

With him calling every day, it's okay to put your boundary: "Look... don't contact me for a couple of weeks. I get your message. Now you have to resepct that. If you want a chance, I ask you to do that."

 

With what you describe, you have all the chances to able to make it. He apologizes deeply, tells you about his love and genuinely believes it was a mistake.

 

Now, I feel that both doors are truly open. It's an occasion for you to grow and empower yourself, understand more about your love and trust your instinct.

 

I mean, after you heard everyone'es opinion (including this message), make abstraction of all that and follow your instinct at 100%.

 

If you choose for giving it another try, go in the relationship the same way? No. I would ad something. If you don't want this to happen again, you need to have a serious chat with him and strengthen your connection in a different way.

 

You can say something like: "Look, for me this was hell, and I am not about to go through it again. I have the power to forgive you this time, but I tell you, it happens again and I am off forever"

 

If you need his committment at 100%, make sure you get it before you open up again.

 

I know it's tough but it is essential to stay awake with relationships. More than 50% of people admit having cheated at least once on their partner.

 

It's always good to keep that in mind. It can happen to anyone, anytime. You can be the cheater or the "victim". Infidelity is a crisis. The best is to have a solid strategy to deal with such crisis.

 

Good luck with that and trust your instinct

 

vitalcoach

[sweetie14]

Ok. It can be really hard to trust this guy again, when sum 1 cheats on you, you may never be able to forgive them again. Best advice is, try to be friends. Definantly dont go back out with him right away if ever. He may cheat on you again, once a cheater always a cheater, try to build trust become friends, and if in the future u trust him again try again. Good luck

[Trulyhonest]

I still don't know what I'm doing. I've asked him why he did it, but all he says is that he doesn't know and that he know he messed up so bad and he doesn't want to lose me in his life. I have not seem him since but i'm still talking to him on the phone....whether or not this is a good thing...I don't know. I don't know what to tell him anymore...sorry doesn't cut it. He wants to know what he can do to prove to me that he's serious and that he'll do anything for me...I just don't know what to tell him.

[vitalcoaching]

Hi trulyhonest,

 

I see you are still struggling with finding your way...

 

I have some new ideas fo you. The post is a bit long because there are lots of issues involved in taking the next step. I wanted to share these ideas with you:

 

Your question is about getting back together after an infidelity? do you want to do it or not?

 

I saw that working out successfully for many people. An infidelity can be a one time thing and an occasion to realize how much you actually care for your real partner.

 

When you get back together, something must change though. If it doesn't, another inifidelity might happen again very soon.

 

What do you change? Your boundaries.

 

If you are a woman and your partner cheated on you, you need to fundamentally shift the way you invest yourself in the relationship. How? Drop your level of expectations.

 

Right now you are in a situation which is out of balance. You are still 100% exclusive while he obviously broke that rule. To bring back the balance, you need to take back part of whay you invested in him so that you feel more secure and protected.

 

An infidelity is a warning sign. It says: "Look how vulnerable you are. He takes one side step and your life is destroyed".

 

This is what happens to millions of couples and individuals around the world. If you want to feel stronger and empowered, you need to be in a space where you are ready to deal with a cheating partner any time anywhere. In fact you need a solid strategy for such situation.

 

A part of you stays awake and alert. He must know that! He took one wrong step, now take something back from him: don't go into the "one on one" exclusive romantic dream. This is a wake up call.

 

What do you need to ad? Awareness. Have your eyes wide opened! You need to be ready any time anywhere.

 

How? Have a material base which does not depend on him: Your job, place where you live, belongings... All these must be yours and only yours. If he misbehaves and you want to break up, you need to be able to do that on the spot without delay and still keep your full material base. This means independence.

 

Your friends and social circle must be yours as well. Check on with people who would actually stay if he was not around. Focus on these friendships and let go of the connections which depend on his presense. Have some good male friends who care and value you as well.

 

Develop a healthy life style. Your body is your greatests asset. Take care of yourself. Eat healthy, exercise.

 

Stay attractive and active in a flirting way. Don't go into the comfortable and cosy relationship mood. He already proved you he can't give you that security.

 

What is left? romance, love, passion, fun, complicity.

 

What did change. Your power base: You rely now on yourself and you invest in him differently.

 

The balance of power is totally different here.

 

You need a mind set which gives you security with or without him. If he was cheating again, there must be minimal damage. You can't totally avoid emotional hurt but you can secure your material base and build your life in a way which is not dependent on him.

 

Suppose you start like that. What does it tell him? One wrong move and you are gone.

 

You see the difference? You've got the power no matter what.

 

How does it evolve on the long term? Suppose you get your own place. Don't give him the keys. It's your house, not his. Protect your personal space. Don't let him leave things behind. He is a guest when he comes to your house.

 

If this works out, he stays respectful and you notice he is genuinely in love with you, take small steps in his direction and see how it feels: "clear a draw for him or invest in a holiday together".

 

Be ready to step back any time. You see, the difference with this attitude is that you are the center of your life, not the couple. You rely on yourself first.

 

If this works out, and you feel you can trust him at 100%, then next moves will naturally follow. No need for paranoia, but it's okay to keep this thought in the back of your mind: "what if it happens again?", "what would I do?" and have a strategy ready for that.

 

If you think: "hey... He'll be my husband and will give me peace, security and anything I need... I'll take care of the children raise the family..." This makes you powerless and very vulnerable. If the small steps you take do work and you feel it is growing naturally, then sure, move forward. However, if you notice that the moment you invest yourself in him, you face an emotional strugle and do not get your needs met, then step back and get your full power back: that's your own independence and personal integrity.

 

I know it is tough to shift your "model" when you had this dream relationship vision. The truth is that you can end alone any time anywhere. If you know how to survive by yourself, this gives you an immense sense of power and security for your future.

 

More than 50% of marriages end within 7 years! What people call now a life time of committment is in fact a very short "life time". Relationships are struggling to find new models which work. You tend to want it all: freedom, independence, security. As an individual and as a couple. The problem is that the couple's interest often does not match the individual interests. Individuals go for what they want first. This creates clashes and destroys relationship dreams.

 

It happens an immense lot today! Is this bad? It is simply evolution. What you can do is shift your mind set so that what you create actually matches today's modern behavior trends.

 

The marriage model is based on beliefs which are more than 2000 years old. Your modern mind set has evolved since then. You have new needs, values and desires. You can try to hold onto the traditional model or go with the flow and design your own, new and unique relationship equation.

 

You get lots of warnings. The one which just happened to you is one of those. You can of course go for marriage, family life and committment but you need a real new empowering force to make it work. The marriage contract and the church vows are by far not enough to secure the relationship.

 

I believe all options are open. You can choose your path. What I give you here is simply an open view so that you can decide for yourself. Don't "fall" in love. Be in love with your eyes wide open. Use your heart and your head.

 

Does this make sense?

 

Take care and stay in touch

 

vitalcoach

[Trulyhonest]

I'm happy to say that I finally made up my mind on friday and told him it was over and that there was no chance in hell I'd take him back. He still called like 30 times a day for about 4 or 5 days, but I restrained myself from answering. I finally have a clear head and can realize that I could do so much better....that I could find someone who would treat me great and NOT cheat on me. I drowned myself with activities and all my friends which was mostly why I could make this decision. Thanks for the advice guys.

[Kittengirl]

I read your post whilst nodding my head especially the last post! I have been through a very similar scenario, my ex cheated; saw how much fun I was having (acting like I was having) and decided he wanted me back. Next came the pleads for forgiveness and the promises of a future filled with hearts and flowers (I know him too well to believe that would ever happen!). I then told him I didn't want to hear from him for a month but this didn't deter him, this reinforced the belief that he never has and never will respect my wishes. Fundamentally nothing would change and it took me a while to realise. There will be days when you wonder if he could be different but at the end of the day if someone cheats on you they are ultimately more concerned with their feelings rather than yours. This isn't an act of weakness, these things don't just happen. Alot of guys think they can do what ever they please and sod the consequences, this is unfair. I think you have made the right decision and you may doubt it on occasion but you said it your self you deserve something more. Stay strong.

[OceanEyes]

I finally have a clear head and can realize that I could do so much better....that I could find someone who would treat me great and NOT cheat on me.

 

Good for you - and what a brave and confident decision. In my opinion, there is just no 'going back' on infidelity, no way that it strengthens a bond or makes the relationship stronger and last longer. This is, of course, my opinion, but cheating is the only thing I can't and won't tolerate in a relationship. Why else have one?

[Just A Dreamer]

You are doing the right thing, believe me!!!

A cheater will always be a cheater and sooner or later you would have had to go thru this.

 

Most guys are cheaters (Not all), you'll find someone who will love you and won't cheat on you.

 

Women, have cheated on me before and i know how it feels.

 

If there's something that i will never forgive is if my partner cheated on me.

 

Once they do it to me, then that's it, i brake up for good and never go back.

 

Stay strong and one day you will wake up and the pain will have gone !!!