Do you really want them back? Or the relationship back?

[AB38]

I came to this forum for guidance, and thank God I did. I read the posts, hear other people's stories and realize that I am among friends.

 

Now that a month has gone by, I am starting to ask myself a few questions. Why get back with my ex when everything was so wrong? Why would I want to prolong a relationship that was heading no where? For me it was because I had blinders on. I couldn't see past the comfort of having the "relationship". Knowing that my ex was close, ready to come over, go to a movie, go to dinner.

 

It's all about the comfort level. That is exactly what blinds us during a break up. The fear of being alone and the fear of not finding anyone as good as our ex's.

 

But then the fog starts to clear. We step back from ourselves and think about our own happiness. Were we truly happy with our ex? If we got back together, would everything be the same? Would the Love come back? Would we stop fighting?

 

For those of you who got back together and things are working out, Great! You were able to come together, realize what was wrong and compromise. You now have the chance to build a stronger and more rewarding relationship. And for that, I applaud you.

 

But for those who are still in the fog, I beg you to step outside yourself, figure out what makes you happy and make a decision that will effect you, not your ex. Take the time to examine yourself, it can be very rewarding. You may find that you are better off and you will find new strength to move on.

 

I know that this is not the case for everyone, I just wanted to share my experience.

 

My prayers go out to all of you who are in such pain right now, as I have said before, the sun will rise tomorrow.

[CC]

wow, what you wrote was great. i guess you are right. its the fear of being alone, especially for the ones that lived-in together. i guess haven't stepped out of the fog completely yet. i just have to listen to my friends tell me how much better i have become and actually believe it! i'm sure someday i'll be strong and look back at my whole break up as a lesson rather than a failure.

[4everlonging]

What you had to say seemed as if it was intended directly for me. I have been struggling with making a decision about getting a divorce. My husband and I have been separated for 8 months and everytime I make a decision to do it, my thoughts and feelings become foggy and I start doubting myself. I wonder if it would work and whether I should wait for him. Our marriage was hard. We argued a lot because he didn't want to communicate. He would not give up helping his ex girlfriend everytime she needed him and I just could not deal with it. He also told me that I had the problem and he did not. I have questioned my self as you suggested about whether I would be happier back with him and though I know the honest answer is no, I cannot let go. I miss the comfort with him and being in his arms, but then the pluses seem to stop there. He is and has always been a commitment phobic person and what may be normal for most married couples, he sees as being suffocated. He drops by every oncve in a while and I have asked him to come back, but he says it isn't time yet. He never explains what he means. An incident occurred the other day that hopefully is clearing the fog. He is living with another woman for security reasons he says. He cannot make it on his own financially. He seems he needs to prove to me that he can make it without my help. He stated as much. Alos, he told me that I knew he couldn't make it and he needed me. Of course, I said. I told you to do the math over and over. Why is it such a surprise. He also likes to come by for sex which I have had problems resisting because that was a positive with us. I found myself thinking that I understand what he is trying to do and I will wait. However, the next day, I thought about it and siad to myself, that is crazy and absurd. He is sleeping with another woman in our bed and refuses to come back until he has proven to me that he can make it on his own. I asked myself, what kind of woman woman would allow such treatment? My answer was, a very desperate one. I get so confused sometimes and now have decided the no contact position is the only way I can begin to let go. It is so hard because I miss him in spite of it all, but the stress and heartache when we were together as well as now cannot continue. I fear that I will fall back into my fogginess and bargain with myself again. I know the man is wrong for me and I have been under this illusion that I need him anyway. It has to stop so I can move on and find some peace in my life and put him in the past. I know I need to file for that divorce, but I cannot follow through so far. Please help, anyone who reads this, I need some direction and honest feedback. I feel like I am going insane sometimes. Thank you all for caring.

[AB38]

The only thing I can tell you, although I have never been married, is to do what I said in my original post. Step back. The only way to do that is to have absolutely no contact with him, at least for a while.

 

The fog clears when we are alone. No contact is for the self, not for the ex. Your mind will wander through a maze for a while, but then, at least for me, you will find clarity that you never thought would happen. That's when you start the self -realization process.

 

What do I want? Why have I been feeling this way? How can I stop the pain? Everyone has their own way of answering those inner questions. But please, please, take the time to do this. I know that it will liberate you and clear the fog. You may come to realize that you cannot be without him, you may say you are better off. Only through this process will you know for sure.

[4everlonging]

Thank you so much for your quick reply. Your support is much appreciated. I think that you are correct in my needing to stay with the no contact so the fog can clear. Thank you for your insights.

[Spartan1]

A very good post AB with a lot of truth in there.