Have not talked in over a year, and now need to talk...how to proceed?

[unduffable1]

BACKGROUND: My ex and I broke up November 4th, 2008 after 10 years together. She left me for another guy. After a month I took care of the business of the bills and everything was cordial even though I was a mess. She called me in February 2009 as she had broken up with this guy. There were pleas on how great I was. We met up a few times, but she gave no signals to try again, and I again cut off contact.

 

NOW: I have now moved accross the country (about 9 months now). A lot of good things are going well for me. In fact, I am now in the market to buy a house which is where my question comes to play. When negotiating major purchases like her house, and truck etc. in the past, I did the talking and negotiating. Though her name was on the dotted line as these were her purchases. As we were living in a very small community (and not in our tweens that were typically already married in this area) somehow it was assumed that some of these purchases were together and it is showing on my credit report. My mortgage banker has suggested talking with her to have her refinance a few items under her name only. This would grossly change my credit score and money available to me for a home loan. I really do not think she would have a problem doing this.

 

However, we have not talked in a year. I have not seen her in a year. We have no mutual friends whom I have talked to that would have gotten back to her, and vice versa. I am actually really nervous about doing this. Any advice on how I should proceed? I know I am posting this in the GBT board, but that is where I have spent most of my time here. Some people here may know my story and followed my posts as I have theirs.

 

I'm not really looking to getting back together anymore, because after NC for a year I feel like that ship has sailed. In addition, I have gotten myself out of her area and don't even see how it would be possible. Please let me know what you can. Thanks in advance!

[squirl]

Any advice on how I should proceed?

 

Very tactfully. Make it very clear you are asking her a favor, which it is. It is time, inconvenience and also may make her quite sad because it is a reminder of what she lost with you.

 

You can be somewhat informative of your plans for this favor, but not more. She has no obligation to do it, so if she is sad or upset, accept that she may not want to help you. Be thankful she hasn't defaulted.

 

Try to be sensitive. For all you know, things may not be going as well for her financially as they are for you. She may not be in a position to refinance things, or might not qualify for a good rate.

 

I don't know what her reason for leaving you has to do with any of this. But if you don't think you can separate thoughts of it from the favor you need, perhaps reconsider contacting her.

[unduffable1]

Thanks for the response. It is true that I don't know how things are going for her, but I couldn't imagine her being worse off than me, and I am not bad. She is a partner in a private anesthesia group and pulls in close to 8 times more than the area's average median household income. Though, maybe the new health care bill is changing that.

 

It is obviously a big favor. She may not want to do it, but that would be out of her character. Reasons we broke up: I think there was stress of me going to school, and working when I could where I would be gone several days at a time. She felt the relationship got stale, and left me for a contractor I hired to work on her house as she wanted a major remodel done.

 

I am not sure why she would be sad if I called. She was the one who broke up with me. The month before we broke up she started going out with new friends (when she never went out before). Once we started talking again she had opened an FB account and added me. We were talking, and things were good, but I didn't feel I could stay in a friend capacity, and she stated she wasn't ready to try again. I saw lots of FB posts by new friends of her's, but I knew all that wasn't healthy so I removed her from my friends list, and we haven't spoke since last May. I'm sure she has a lot going on in her life, and I figure removing any further ties would be something that she would welcome including the material possessions that evidently have my name on them.

[nomad0792]

Wow man...it sounds like you went thru some * * * * . I would venture to guess she would be fine with this, if she is the type of human being you say she is...which is what any decent human being would do.

 

My suggestion to you, if you're still a little emotionally attached, that you do it when you feel your most confident self. Then, just keep it simple and pleasant. She should respect your wishes. Good luck man!

[squirl]

Yeah, either wait until you're less emotionally attached, or do it by email, or have your mortgage banker make the request for you.

 

Congrats on having things going so well.

[unduffable1]

Squirl, I also thought about sending this as a text or email. But do you think it would be rude to try it this way after we dated for so long? I never thought to have the mortgage banker contact her. Does that happen? Would that be inappropriate?

 

I have a new girlfriend whom I have dated now for almost a year. She helps suppress the act of contacting my ex. She is nervous now about me calling my ex that it will open up a huge line of contact again. I do care for my ex after sharing so much together for so long. Though, that was all in the past, and I respect my new girlfriend, her wishes, and don't want to hurt her. She understands too that this contact is now necessary.

 

Is there a protocol for what I share? I'm sure if I contact my ex she is going to ask me a number of questions. Do I answer all, or kind of blow them off with very ambiguous answers? Do I ask her how she is and what she is doing? I'd love to know, but being in the dark has allowed me to create a scenario in my head that also suppresses the act of contacting her. I feel confident and strong, but I'm nervous that that would go away when I start talking with her.

 

You stated she may be sad when I call. After our last stint of NC (only a few months) she broke down crying after only 5 minutes or so on the phone. It may have run its course or perhaps just because she was freshly out of her relationship she left me for. Could she be sad to talk to me? Do I trigger sadness now for her?

[tattoobunnie]

When it comes to your credit, be sure to keep a record of the correspondence to her. Certified letters, emails, etc. It's stinks, because if you didn't clean everything up during the break-up, you have to get it done either way. Focus on this. She could essentially, even though it was great before, ruin your own credit.

 

Also, you need to call the credit agencies, or the listed agencies on the report, and confirm these are not a part of your purchases.

 

The emotion does not need to be involved. I would call her up, let her know there is some business matters you need to attend with, advisements made by your broker to her and suggestions. Then, email her a listing of who she will need to address. If you were considered common law married, you will need to go through the proper proceedings.

 

Don't talk about the relationship, and cut to the chase about what you need done. Do it now. It will still take a while after she moves everything over to adjust to your report.

 

And next time...don't do joint large purchases or deals until you're married...joint savings & checking account okay.

[unduffable1]

Tattobunnie you are absolutely correct. This is why I avoided signing any dotted line. We had been engaged to be married, but obviously that did not happen. I took care of the utilities and bank accounts removing myself, and having that company follow up with her as I was not canceling her service etc. I thought I tied up all my loose ends. I decided everyone here was right and it is just business. Though, the moment I picked up the phone I started shaking. I got light headed. My heart felt like it was going to jump out of my chest. I sat down tried calming myself, and then made the call. It went to her voicemail. I was relieved, but then panicked on if I should leave a message or hang up. It beeped and I started talking..."Hey (PERSON'S NAME), its (MY NAME)... been a long time. Hope all is well. I have kind of a big favor I would like to ask of you. If you don't have my number anymore it is **********. Call me when you get a chance. Thanks." I thought I had the element of surprise, and now am nervous for when she calls back. Any advice how to calm myself and act cool?

[adviseseeker]

Wait wait...so you have a new girlfriend that you've dated for a year now but you've posted this in the getting back together forum...do you want your ex back? How come you're so nervous talking to her when it's been this long and you have a new girlfriend, are you just afraid those feelings will come back again? This is tough, she broke your heart and you were engaged to be married. When you called you were so nervous your heart jumped out of your chest and you had to calm down! Is it possible that you hadn't healed and moved on after the breakup before entering into the new relationship? I think you need to settle those feelings, if you moved on properly and are now in love with your new girlfriend I wouldn't think you'd be so worried about contacting your ex. I'm a little confused I guess, maybe your just nervous about talking to her in general but it's strange this is in the getting back together section.

[unduffable1]

Adviseseeker,

You are wise to wonder about my post. A couple reasons why I posted here. First, like many (not all) people at ENA when they experience a breakup they come to this board first. I spent most of my ENA time on this board and related to a lot of the people on here, and did not stray much to the other boards like I probably should have. I heard stories about getting together after long periods of time. Early on in my relationship with my current gf I assumed she was a rebound from hearing so much on here. I was still hoping to get back together with my ex, and my current gf and I had many talks about it. Despite this major flaw she was patient, I was going to counseling, and we fought through. My gf and I had a lot going and I didn't want to jeopardize anything with that. My ex was not giving me any clear signals to get back together so I reconstituted NC and continued to strengthen my relationship with my current gf.

 

In my mind I think I have constructed this view that my ex would have a difficult time living without me and is lonely, etc. I am sure she is not, and honestly I hope she isn't, but it helped me feel better about things when I think back to the breakup. I have grown VERY close to my current gf. We have had a number of great experiences in the past year. I posted here, because I guess of my relationship with the board, as well as my hopes that the idea of me is on my ex's head often regarding the breakup a mistake. However, I am nervous I believe because that if I talk with her then reality comes to play, and I don't want to feel hurt again. Her and I dated for ten years. There are times where I feel I probably haven't fully healed because of the longevity and familiar experiences come to mind.

[squirl]

How about this: Explain your predicament to your new girlfriend, and ask how she thinks you should handle it, and then do as your new girlfriend suggests. Possibilities could be email, have your mortgage banker call, have your new girlfriend call, you call after talking to your new girlfriend about it.

 

That should kill two birds with one stone.

[unduffable1]

My ex text me back after a few hours last night.

"Got your message sorry just haven't been able to get away to call ya. Sure what favor do u need"

 

I responded explaining that I was in the market for a house. That my credit report came back with a couple big ticket items that I am listed as cosigned on. That if this was an inaccuracy then the mortgage banker suggested discussing with the co-signed about refinancing. I let her know that it would probably give her a better rate not being pulled from my credit. Though, understanding that it is time consuming and incredibly inconvenient. And noted the possible refinancing fee that I would be more than happy to pay. She responded that she will see what she could do tomorrow, and I thanked her.

 

Then she text, "That's cool you're getting a house. I'm glad things r going well for u. I had been wondering how u were. No problem"

 

I never responded after that, and guess I didn't need to as she didn't ask a question. It didn't warp my fantasy in my head. I would assume she'll probably just text me again today or when it is taken care of to let me know. Its a relief that we didn't talk. I actually took down notes of things to say if we did talk to be polite. I even talked with family about this who said it may be awkward at first, but the conversation would probably ensue like riding a bike after a while. I'm not that sure after hearing stories here of foot in mouth, or saying regrettable things.

[unduffable1]

I should have listened to Squirel as I contacted her before discussing again with my gf. This caused a bit of stress, but she did understand the importance, and I think understood how much I didn't want to do it. Not necessarily all the reasons why I didn't want to, but that I honestly did not want to contact her.

 

Well I had a day off this week, and was actually checking baseball scores on my phone when my ex called back. I immediately got anxious and felt my blood start to boil. I let it go to voicemail. I listened to the message right away. She let me know that she met with the bank. Was able to remove me, and had no problem. Then said the banker let her know it may not come off my credit report right away so she got a note saying that I am no longer associated with that loan. She wanted my address or fax number so she could send it. I responded several hours later via text message thanking her for the inconvenience. Offered to pay a fee if needed, and that she didn't need to worry about the letter. I could have my broker verify with the bank if needed. She responded with the bank, and banker's contact info, let me know that it was no problem that it was just signing a form and no fees.

 

I assume now I am in the clear. Though, are there any dumpers that think I may now be on her mind again, or is she just as relieved not to have talked to me as I am of her?

[justletgo07]

I assume now I am in the clear. Though, are there any dumpers that think I may now be on her mind again, or is she just as relieved not to have talked to me as I am of her?

 

My guess is neither, at least, not to those extremes that you have listed. You contacted her out of necessity, not out of want, so she has no reason to think that you have any interest in talking to her. My guess would be that she either is not really thinking about it one way or another, or that she might be curious about how you are and what you're up to, but may either not feel motivated enough to find out or figures you just don't want to talk.

[unduffable1]

I would love to know how she is, and how our dogs are. I would love to know how her parents are doing. I would love to know how the remodel we started on the house is going. I would love to know how her job is going. It would be great to tell her how things are going for me. Though, I feel like she clearly understood how much she drastically altered things when deciding to break up with me and how hurt I was. When we talked again after her rebound broke up it felt surreal. For one, she talked an awful lot about the other guy's problems, and how great I was. When we didn't talk about relationship stuff I think we acted very much like a loving/caring couple. Though, she could tell I wanted to get back together in my body language before I even came out and discussed it with her. When we finally discussed it..she went on how she wasn't ready for that. It may have been stuff she just said, but I think she respected me enough to not continue talking to me when I let her know I could not continue in that capacity.

 

Even though I do truly care for her and want her to have a fantastic life; I have concocted a scenario in my head that she regrets breaking up with me, and is lonely. I doubt that is the case, but its what gets me by whenever I may think upon the situation. The relief in not talking to her I think is more my self preservation of not having that fantasy crumble to the ground. This way I don't find out anything that may be damaging to my mental health. I'd like to think that contacting her out of nowhere gets her really wondering how I am doing. Gets her thinking good thoughts about me. Gets her pondering how her life could have been like if she would have continued with me, and work out any issues together. Though, alas, you may be correct. Perhaps she doesn't feel motivated enough to find out whats going on in my life, or maybe more likely she figures that I don't want to talk and continues to respect us as we currently are.

[squirl]

Glad the finances worked out.

 

I can see why your girlfriend is stressed. If you do talk to your ex again, make sure to mention your girlfriend. A lot.

 

That's what all the happily coupled people I know do.