t-dog Posted June 3, 2004 Share Posted June 3, 2004 There are many posts here about breaking up with someone who was a jerk or getting your heart broken. Have any of you had to break up with someone who just didn't deserve it? I have to leave my husband, not because he's a bad husband, but because of other issues...things I need to deal with alone. It will crush him. I have to leave though, there is no hope of saving the marriage...I've tried too many times and I'm at my wit's end. How have you dealt with the guilt of breaking someone's heart? I feel like I'm doing something horrible and cruel, but I have to do it. Link to comment
Scout Posted June 3, 2004 Share Posted June 3, 2004 We're going to need more details here. What are the issues? How long have you been married? Is there someone else? Link to comment
t-dog Posted June 3, 2004 Author Share Posted June 3, 2004 No...there's not someone else. I'm 25 and he's 44. He's very successful, good, altruistic, funny...I was totally enamored with him when I first met him. I love him...more than that, I revere him. We were both really lonely when we met...quarter life crisis for me, mid life crisis for him. We just threw caution to the wind and got married in Vegas three weeks after meeting. I know...stupid! The thing is, he actually is that person I met...he's never surprised me with some freakish dark side. He loves me more than anything...he will do anything for me. The thing is...we are in very different places in our lives. Not only that, but I moved my whole life to be with him...I gave up my friends, my community, and my support network. I simply wasn't ready to make the commitment. I'm trying to decide what I want to do with my life (career, passions, etc...), and I find it very difficult to do that in the confines of a marriage and especially without the inspirations of the people who are important to me. I left him for a while and moved to NYC, just doing the normal mid-twenties bohemian thing. I felt much more at ease. He convinced me to come back to L.A. and I'm miserable here. I just am. I feel totally stultified. He's a politician, busy with work, very respected. His friends are all nice people, but they're not MY people. I don't relate to them at all and they don't relate to me. I keep trying to make it better, but it's just not getting any better. My friends think he's an amazing guy, but that, in truth, the timing is off and he is holding me back from developing into the person I want to become. I've told him all of this and he hears it...sometimes. Then he forgets...he sees me sad and asks me "Why?" My gut reaction is that I'm living a lie...I'm trying to be a good wife to him, but instinctively want to run away. I'm always plotting escapes. But I can't bear to hurt him. He doesn't feel like a husband to me, but more like a father. But if I leave him, I don't know how I'll be able to live with myself. If I stay, I'm drowning in depression and isolation. What to do? Link to comment
dikaia880 Posted June 3, 2004 Share Posted June 3, 2004 Scout's right more info would help... I have had to break someone's heart that didn't deserve it, maybe it's a little easier for me being a guy...but when i was feeling guilty I told myself it's better for her in the end...and if I didn't it would just delay her pain, and then it would be even worse... After I broke up with her I didn't contact her...I told her that I wouldn't and sometime in the future we'd be able to catch up...I also told her that I would be there for her if anything major happened because I still cared about her as a friend, but that I knew it would be best if we didn't talk...and i left her alone...after a couple months of not talking we hung out and she was still hurt so I made sure I was careful in what i said and how i said it... I think the main thing is to be honest about everything, give him straight answers and don't throw out random excuses that will lead to more questions in his head...tell him what your issues are and why you need to be alone and leave it at that...then leave him alone for a good amount of time....and if the time comes where you want to get back together, be sure tat is what you want before you tell him... Sorry your stuck in this position, it's no fun to hurt someone you obviously care about..good luck! Link to comment
dikaia880 Posted June 3, 2004 Share Posted June 3, 2004 sorry i missed your post... It is very hard, but with you knowing your not happy then you do have to change things...would he ever move for you? Is there a way you can be happy with him...if not than for both of you two you may need to leave him... Link to comment
Scout Posted June 3, 2004 Share Posted June 3, 2004 Thanks, you gave great details, and outlined the situation with perfect clarity for me to understand. In fact, if you rewrite what you just wrote word for word but in a way that it looks like you were writing to yourself in a journal or something, than print it off and give it to him, I think he will at least have a real understanding of what you're feeling right now. I mean, you worded this beautifully, admitted there was some spontaneity on both your parts that resulted in this unexpected HUGE event: a marriage! - and have outlined how you've felt since then. I think he should read this, I really do. And than see what he says. If he's everything you say he is, my gut feeling is that he will agree this marriage is not working, at least not at this time, and that it's best for you to go. If he doesn't understand at all, I'm afraid there is not much you can do to convince him. He's going to be hurt either way, but your honesty in your post has a lot of truly flattering things to say about him, so its not like he is this unlikeable person who won't be able to find a more appropriate partner. Good luck - keep us posted. Link to comment
t-dog Posted June 7, 2004 Author Share Posted June 7, 2004 Thanks for all the advice. This forum has been a godsend. I have told him all of this. But he says I'm just not trying hard enough. He says I'm choosing to make the age difference bother me. He says there are 8 million people in this city, and it's my fault that I can't find a social network. He says if I just found a job that I like, it would be different. It's my fault, I'm not trying. When I moved to NYC to live alone, I felt entirely different...much more myself and interested in life. He says "when I'm older, I'll realize how hard it is to find someone who really cares about you." I hate it when he pulls the "When I was your age," or "you'll see when you're older...." The truth is, he treats me like gold, but for some reason, I'm pushing him away. I guess I just wasn't ready for all this. I give him this analogy of our life together: no matter how attractive the size 5 shoe is, I'm a size seven and it will never fit. He says, "no the shoe fits, but your foot is just deformed." He just doesn't understand. He really wants me to stay. Thanks, everyone, for listenting to my ranting. Link to comment
tristesse Posted June 8, 2004 Share Posted June 8, 2004 Girl…. When a man promises you something and breaks his promises once he will do it again and again…. Your man is the living proof of this. I know it's hard, I know you miss him, I know you crave him…it's like a drug… but also like a drug it's destructive….. try to not call him, don't let him contact you… move on… try to find your happiness without him and then see if you still need him! Link to comment
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