abigheart Posted March 28, 2010 Share Posted March 28, 2010 Would acknowledging HOW the break-up is opening my eyes to how I have hurt my ex (who is the dumper) and how I'm taking the time to work on myself put me in the friend-zone? Whether by e-mail or phone (prob. e-mail is best), I just want to tell him that he's not the only one who needs some growing to do. We're both only 21, were in a 2 year relationship and both our firsts, things were great in my eyes but he broke it off b/c he felt he wasn't ready to be in a long-term relationship with anyone. But of course, after the break-up sunk in and I've been NC for a few weeks, I see how there were several faults on my part that most definitely played a role in his decision ALTHOUGH he never brought it up when dumping me probably because he knew it'd crush me to hear. In this e-mail, I'm not going to do any "pleading" or tell him I'm doing this because I want him back. I DO want him back, but I feel like when he broke up with me and subsequent times I've "pleaded" with him to get back, I hardly acknowledged how some of my clingy and sometimes mean actions played a role. Instead, I just kept victimizing myself, and now I feel truly sorry that I was too blind to see that. He told me not to blame myself for causing the break-up, but I'm pretty sure deep inside he was feeling the pressure. Crazy how just a few weeks of NC can open your eyes, heh. But anyway, do you think I should just maintain the NC or just send this e-mail out and say we should still continue NC? I REALLY do want to improve myself and work on the things and grow as well. I'm really not going to beg or anything like that, so I will keep it short and simple saying "I also need some growing to do and need to work on some things, I'm sorry I hurt you..." I know crazy how I'm the dumpee saying I hurt him, but looking back, I really did...and I sincerely regret a lot of the stuff I've said despite how well we connected, etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Speranza Posted March 28, 2010 Share Posted March 28, 2010 Tough one. I'd probably want to do what you say - but I'm afraid I would probably be getting it wrong! lol Wait til someone with more know-how gets here! Don't send ANYthing yet! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doesitmatter30 Posted March 28, 2010 Share Posted March 28, 2010 Don't tell the dumper about their flaws if you want them back. What you want to do worked for me, but after like 5 years of NC. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
True_Love Posted March 28, 2010 Share Posted March 28, 2010 I am in the same situation as you, I am the dumpee and I feel like a fool now. Why did I not show just how much he meant to me and why did I sometimes take my problems out on him and treat him like * * * * . I have also grown and I am good at giving advice but not good at following through on my own advice so I totally understand. From an outsider I see that since you have grown this much in a few weeks, just think how much 2 more weeks could make you grow more. Maybe give it the full 30 days of NC and then realise you feelings, compose an email 3 days before you plan on sending it and then read it a few times before and I'm sure you'll re-think a few things in it, then when you are sure, press send. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikNomis Posted March 28, 2010 Share Posted March 28, 2010 I do think telling your ex those stuff would be detrimental to getting back together. I think the best thing to do is kind of drop off his radar for a while and if he ever sees you again, whether coincidentally or not, you show him the new and improved you. The you that has realized and took care of past mistakes. But not through words, showing is so much better than telling. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abigheart Posted March 28, 2010 Author Share Posted March 28, 2010 Thanks for all your replies! If anyone else has done something similar and was successful or not, I'd love to hear your stories! doesitmatter30 - yeah, I definitely don't intend to bash him or anything like that. I really want to be mature about it as possible, and I also don't want to overly put "blame" on my flaws. I just want to tell him I acknowledge how maybe this break-up is best for the both of us (as much as it makes me cringe to write that) despite the fact that I want to get back with him. If I were to get back with him, I honestly know I would want to not immediately...I won't have changed and improved so fast. True Love - Ugh I definitely feel the same as you, too. I never knew I was capable of hurting someone with my words. He was very patient with me, too until I guess it was too late. Have you sent a similar message to your ex and when, if you have? I guess I would wait a few more weeks, but I really want to tell him now to know that he doesn't need to feel bad. But I do want to tell him I don't think we should be in much contact with each other... Man it is so hard to balance giving the dumper HIS space and time but also not scaring him/her into thinking we as dumpees have moved on. I definitely have NOT moved on and don't know when I will, but I am embracing this break-up as much as I can, as much as it hurts because I think in the end, it will help me out. I guess in some ways, I want him to see that I wasn't so selfish and am capable of growing, too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abigheart Posted March 28, 2010 Author Share Posted March 28, 2010 I do think telling your ex those stuff would be detrimental to getting back together. I think the best thing to do is kind of drop off his radar for a while and if he ever sees you again, whether coincidentally or not, you show him the new and improved you. The you that has realized and took care of past mistakes. But not through words, showing is so much better than telling. Yeah I was worried about this for sure. that's why it MIGHT be too soon to e-mail him. But I don't want to tell him I am ALREADY a new and improved person. I am not, but I want to I guess let him know that this break-up is opening my eyes a bit, too. I never got a chance to tell him that when we were broken up and even the subsequent times I was in contact with him to see what else could be done for us to get back together. Agreed though - showing IS much better than telling, but I'm not trying to prove to him that I'm already a changed brand new girl who he should take back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
True_Love Posted March 28, 2010 Share Posted March 28, 2010 well I got dumped in December and I have made 700 mistakes since then, needy, saying I can't live without out you, emailing him, saying I'm not gonna contact then do, being jealous, name it I've done it. Everything has obviously backfired. Now I realise I really need to find me first. I think of me when I first met him and I think where the hell has that person gone. Where was the fun loving easy going happy person and how did I end up so moody!!! So I am getting rid of all the people in my life that make me unhappy or are not good for me, trying not the go to the bar and drink my sorrows away (this is the hardest) and just be me. If you don't love you, who else will. So easy to type but not easy to follow through myself. I'm reading Don Miguel Ruiz's Four Agreements right now, read it, really opens up your eyes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kahdeksan Posted March 28, 2010 Share Posted March 28, 2010 Yeah I was worried about this for sure. that's why it MIGHT be too soon to e-mail him. But I don't want to tell him I am ALREADY a new and improved person. I am not, but I want to I guess let him know that this break-up is opening my eyes a bit, too. I never got a chance to tell him that when we were broken up and even the subsequent times I was in contact with him to see what else could be done for us to get back together. Agreed though - showing IS much better than telling, but I'm not trying to prove to him that I'm already a changed brand new girl who he should take back. I'll be frank and honest with you here. This is a terrible idea. For a start, you are acting out on the anxiety fueling you to prove your worth. Secondly, this "want" of yours, to prove how much you have changed for your man is not really feasible in such a short time span of a few weeks. You being 21 years of age have grown into this persona all those years, which has in some ways played its part into the break up, is something that cannot simply be over turned in a matter of weeks. You are denying yourself of growth and awareness if you believe you are changed, because you fear and dread the future without him. So in effect you've conceived the idea of having being "changed" by this break up so early on, when in reality it should encourage you to work on yourself first. And that, takes a lot of effort and time. He does not need to know that you've changed. It is far more rewarding to be empowered by the growth and in identifying the new and improved you when you've truly gone through the paces. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abigheart Posted March 28, 2010 Author Share Posted March 28, 2010 Wait, I think you misinterpreted or read what I said. I am in no way claiming I am a changed person already. I most definitely am NOT so early on, you're right. Way too early. I am not trying to "prove my worth" nor am I trying to say to my ex, "Hey look here! I'm a changed girl now so take me back!!!" I am simply acknowledging that this break-up is not only best for him, but also maybe for me, too. He says he didn't have it all together/is conflicted/etc. And what I'm saying is that after a few weeks of NC and going through this break-up, I'm beginning to realize hell, I don't have it altogether either! When he broke up with me, all I kept stressing was how special we have it, etc, etc. I never took a step back to see how maybe I NEED to re-orient myself and work on myself first as well. And I agree with you, I am fully aware that this is going to take a lot of time... Again, I want to e-mail him this realization to him because when we broke up and when I contacted him afterward to see how we could get back together, I never mentioned any of this, never even apologized for how clingy I was and sometimes insensitive towards certain things. I'm afraid that all he's thinking is that I'm hurting and still stuck. I'm hurting for sure, but I'm gradually seeing how this break-up is perhaps something I need as well, as much as I want to get back with him. So this is no ploy to get back with him. It's not the fact that I'm saying I'm a changed person within a few weeks. It's the fact that I'm now realizing I MYSELF have some things to work on and focus on, not just him. Still think I shouldn't send it, Kahdeskan? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abigheart Posted March 28, 2010 Author Share Posted March 28, 2010 Yeah, I know what you mean. I've done this, said I wouldn't do it again, then end up doing it without realizing. It sucks, but you can't keep on dwelling. So with that said, I'm take this time to fix those things about me. Whether I reconcile with my ex or ultimately meet someone new, it's better I get my stuff sorted out so the next time around, I'm a better person. Good for you for taking the steps to remove the negativity you get from others. And agreed - if you don't love yourself, who else will? And no one is responsible for your happiness but you. I think for me, I kept saying "you MAKE me so happy" to my ex. Well, he did contribute to my happiness but I am fully capable of making MYSELF happy and don't need to depend on someone else for it. I have read the Four Agreements a few years back. I should take another look at it, thanks. Best of luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kahdeksan Posted March 28, 2010 Share Posted March 28, 2010 My apologies for the misinterpretation of you original post and the subsequent ones as well. In one way, what I interpreted was that you were acting out of fear and the anxiety played its role in this difficult time of yours. It's often the route many take to justify the means of contacting their ex, no matter the intention. Anxiety having a lot to do with it of course. As for the notice, I would strongly urge you not to send it. See it in this way. There is no need to broadcast the good deeds that we do, the deed in itself is the reward. Your reward in this case would be the personal growth, and to be honest you have your head screwed on right. I wish you well on your endeavor. It will be excruciatingly painful, but nonetheless it is something you MUST go through as part of life's many experiences. Do so on your own terms and at your own pace. Don't forget to allow moments in your time to have thoughts of him. The past relationship and all that lead to the demise of the relationship. However, be aware that if you allow too much to flood your mindset you'll rob your progress of growth. Do it too little and you'll be mitigating the pain, the guilt, the fear, which are all part of the growing experience to finding yourself. Grieving is natural, don't deny yourself of that. In short. Keep it balanced! Sending you lots of e-hugs and support! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abigheart Posted March 28, 2010 Author Share Posted March 28, 2010 No worries! Thanks for the hugs - I hope you are doing well yourself whatever situation you are in! Yeah, I don't want to necessarily stamp out all the painful feelings. It will just come back stronger later on. So you're right about seeking that balance, thanks! So don't send it, huh? I was feeling pretty strongly about doing so, maybe not today but a few weeks or something from now. I guess I want to do so because I think he still has this image of me confused, hurt and angry by what's happened and his decision and absolutely desperate to get back with him. Initially, I was very desperate to get back with him, but I'm stepping back and seeing what I need to get done. Of course, I am still hurting but less confused. I just think I will feel better once I formally apologize for the hurt I've caused him, and that I'm also working out things on my end so he shouldn't feel like a lousy person who is the only one struggling to find himself right now. Because I am, too it turns out. Sigh, is that going to backfire? Ha, I guess time will only tell... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kahdeksan Posted March 28, 2010 Share Posted March 28, 2010 Backfire? Heck yeah! Backfire to the max! So don't send it! If you send it, and every time you do it, god will kill a kitten! Your strong urges of sending him the notice stem from the facet of guilt and the believe that you owe him an apology. Now, as with most relationship break ups, I'm sure you've done your fair share of apologizing. No? So it need not be sent. Besides, as I stated, kittens will be prosecuted for your actions. This is your first break up, so the urges are understandably overwhelming and rampant to have it sent. Take a step back from this too. If you feel you need to say something, to get it out in the open, do so on the link below on these forums. Then come back to it a few days later or when you are emotionally sober, and be prepared to cringe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abigheart Posted March 28, 2010 Author Share Posted March 28, 2010 HAHA poor kittens! I actually don't think I did as much apologizing as I should have... He was doing more of the apologizing. Instead, I think I guilt tripped him more than anything, constantly saying "how can you throw this away?" and why he didn't give me any signs, asking if he's really going to be happy, etc. It's still fresh, but I honestly don't remember very well if I apologized for MY actions that could have caused it. I was too wrapped up in how he was feeling pressured and not ready to continue with a long-term thing, etc. I came off as slightly arrogant in trying to get him to see that he's throwing away something special So now that I've taken a step back, I'm thinking to myself wow, I didn't even try to apologize for how insensitive I was before, how clingy I came off. So yeah I guess it is guilt, but I really don't want to have any form of contact afterward if I do send it. I want to tell him no contact is best, and I don't want a response from him - just want him to know. Ayyy. Yeah that's a good thread. I also find that writing letters to him (without sending, of course) really help... Sorry for trying to battle you Kahdeksan. Those kittens' lives are on the line because of me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kahdeksan Posted March 28, 2010 Share Posted March 28, 2010 No worries! Thanks for the hugs - I hope you are doing well yourself whatever situation you are in! Thanks! And oopst, I forgot to reply to this. Oh, and I'm not in any sort of a relationship break up at the moment. Just thought I'd come by and help, now that I have more time on my hands. Originally though, I was to post my tips and methods on weight loss and whatnot. Been involved with the fitness side of things for donkey's years. Friends recommended me to post about my knowledge on the subject matter, since I'm well versed in that field. Now that I'm here, I don't know if I'll be able to keep up with it. But we'll see. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abigheart Posted March 28, 2010 Author Share Posted March 28, 2010 Cool - very nice of you. Well, I suppose stay until your heart's content And also one more thing to ask - don't you think if I DO send that short e-mail, it will make him re-consider me, see me in a different light? Not immediately of course, but if I don't, I think he's under the impression that I'll stay who I am, not really make the most of this time apart, etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kahdeksan Posted March 28, 2010 Share Posted March 28, 2010 Hah, well, if there's no convincing on my part. I'll just have to send an army of them kittens after you. Don't worry, their scratching tickles more than they hurt, but I guess you could feign being hurt, huh? About the emotions. I understand the circumstances leading to a break up and the aftermath involved. Emotions are all raw and strewn together into this soup, so of course it gets spoiled. It's perfectly understandable, human nature comes to play. We've all been there. So don't be too hard on yourself. You're in the process of taking the appropriate steps. So that's encouraging! Stay strong! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kahdeksan Posted March 28, 2010 Share Posted March 28, 2010 Cool - very nice of you. Well, I suppose stay until your heart's content And also one more thing to ask - don't you think if I DO send that short e-mail, it will make him re-consider me, see me in a different light? Not immediately of course, but if I don't, I think he's under the impression that I'll stay who I am, not really make the most of this time apart, etc. It's too early for him to reconsider you. I guess in part because the emotions are still too raw? If he is still interested in reconcile, he'll initiate contact. So keep working on yourself. When he does eventually contact you. He'll find out by chance that you've done all you could to bettering yourself and moved on. That tells more about you than an early letter outlining your conviction to change and all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abigheart Posted March 28, 2010 Author Share Posted March 28, 2010 It's too early for him to reconsider you. I guess in part because the emotions are still too raw? If he is still interested in reconcile, he'll initiate contact. So keep working on yourself. When he does eventually contact you. He'll find out by chance that you've done all you could to bettering yourself and moved on. That tells more about you than an early letter outlining your conviction to change and all. Well-put. But say he does eventually contact me, it would be okay to mention all this stuff then - that I realized I had some growing and changing to do myself, etc, that he wasn't the only one? Or am I not supposed to mention anything regarding our relationship together? I'm getting way ahead of myself... Sorry 'bout the additional questions.. Okay for now, though, I'll be strong and not contact him still kinda early on in the break-up. Thanks! And if you release an army of kittens, I think it'd get pretty bad as I am allergic to cats haha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kahdeksan Posted March 28, 2010 Share Posted March 28, 2010 Well-put. But say he does eventually contact me, it would be okay to mention all this stuff then - that I realized I had some growing and changing to do myself, etc, that he wasn't the only one? Or am I not supposed to mention anything regarding our relationship together? I'm getting way ahead of myself... Sorry 'bout the additional questions.. Okay for now, though, I'll be strong and not contact him still kinda early on in the break-up. Thanks! And if you release an army of kittens, I think it'd get pretty bad as I am allergic to cats haha Oh, don't worry about the questions, it's all good. So don't apologize. If in the event he does contact you, keep the conversation short and do not mention anything about the relationship. Should he bring it up, keep your reply short and simple, and be indifferent. What he can't have he'll want to chase after. That's the point of being indifferent in this case, to put it simply. Oh, and gah, sorry, I did not know about your allergy to cuteness! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
minou Posted March 29, 2010 Share Posted March 29, 2010 I disagree with everyone here. I think you should send an email, short and sweet. Saying the break up was a good idea. The time apart made you realize the stress you contributed to the relationship. Short and sweet. Not beating yourself, just showing heightened awareness. That is a form of action as far as I'm concerned. Takes time to change those behaviors. Best done with heightened awareness in a relationship, frankly, so you can practice. Say you're not asking for a response, NC, generally best for now, but did want to apologize for your end and how your hurt him at times with your attitudes. Keep it light, sincere and from the heart. He has the right to hear your thoughts. You have meant a lot to each other. I think heightened communication shows you think the relationship you had deserves it. Sorry to stick out here with the differing opinion. I state my mind, quite frankly. You're not asking for him back or whining. Just claiming your end of the sh** that led to the breakup. good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abigheart Posted March 29, 2010 Author Share Posted March 29, 2010 Yes! This is EXACTLY to the tee why I would like to send it. And yes, I still want to continue NC so we both have time to grow. Thank you very much minou, you summarized my thoughts very well... Any others? Heh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
minou Posted March 29, 2010 Share Posted March 29, 2010 Rather than backfire, my thought is that it can only help, if not right away, then later... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abigheart Posted March 29, 2010 Author Share Posted March 29, 2010 Thanks minou. Do you think I should wait a few weeks or send it now? I already wrote out something but I don't know if it's too soon although I just feel a need to send it now. (Sorry Kehdaksan!) The last time we were in contact was last week but only because he let me know that our mutual friend could give me a ride back down home, instead of flying out. I thanked him but asked him how he was doing (which I shouldn't have) but he replied back in a light manner and asked how I was, etc. But I waited until a few days and I replied back just 5 days ago - I kept it short and sweet with no open-ended questions, nothing mentioned of our break-up or anything like that. Should I wait a few weeks? Does it even matter? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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