True_Love

Day 7 and 8 These days have been hard. Find it hard to function, I just stay in unless I really have to go out, which is not good. He sent me a bog long email, why no contact. I replied that I need my space and I agree with the break up and a brief paragraph about the band we play in together and I got a reply saying he misses last summer when we worked together away and wish we were doing it this year, and regrets saying no. I didn't respond and today get a stupid email saying only "It's good to talk...." Great response!!!! I do now believe he has someone else, but he has his doubts about them, I think he is scared of what people will think of him if we do get back together. I think he is scared I will find out what I already know about this other woman, but I am a true believer and will stick to my opinion of whatever happened while we were not together will remain in the past and I ask no questions as long as you take care of any unfinished business before we move forward. But will we move forward? I am so scared that by me not contacting him he will think I don't care and have moved on. I know it is for the best for him and I to realise our feelings. I also feel like a fool now, I really pushed him away. I was so needy all the time during our break up until now, of course I pushed him further away. I wish I could fast forward my life!!

Day 7 Well it is 11.30am where I live I am drinking beer! Yes what a sad life I live Why is it when I feel troubled I reach for beer and cigarettes initially. I smoke to much, I didn't smoke before the break up, now I smoke up to 30 a day!! This has to stop. Well I got an email from my ex yesterday, and I managed not to reply, although tomorrow I think I should, I must clear up a few band related things and also I want to let him know I what space. I can't imagine the pain of not knowing why suddenly I went from emailing him everyday and suggesting we give it a try to nothing. Yes I should think of me and not him, but I love him so dearly I just can't do that to him. He is so confussed in life, I know him so well, I know him better than he knows himself. He's email was sayign he doesn't understand and then remembering old holidays we had together. I suspect at the momemet he has a female "friend" giving him advice, bad advice at that, she doesn't know me or him and he is just listening to this advice while I was on the other side begging him and he is in the middle. Now suddenly I'm gone and he is left with female "friend" and lets hope he realises that the other woman is just not worth 6 years gone with me. It feels like I am playing a game, I hate it, I just want to ring him and say lets stop this silliness and work on things. I went out with a guy friend last night, nothing to it, just a few beers and to be honest I was just bored. I live in another country from where I am from and not an hour goes by that I don't wish I could just go home!!

Day 6 - Is it only Day 6!! One hour feels like 1 day. I get an email from my ex and he says I don't understand why you are blocking me out, I thought you would always be my best friend. My instant reaction was to reply and say you are best friend, I love you. Then I stopped waited 2 hours and I'm now thinking * * * * him, you left me all alone in another country and din't think my feelings. If you really want me, take a plane, turn up on my door like some movie that never happens in real life and tell me that!! I should reply and deal with a few Band issues, we play band together, but I told myself wait until next Tuesday and then reply, very short and also let him know that I need my space. Let him have a few restless nights for once, hell I have had far too many!!

Day 5 - Today I have sat around the house most of the day checking my emails like some sort of psycho waiting for him to email me so I can say ha ha - I'm not responding to myself. Of course no emails, so what a waste of a day. I got a phone call to go out with a friend I turned it down so I can sit and be miserable. Then I heard a song I loved when I was a kid on the radio and I remembered a time when I was so confident, happy and used to dance around my house singing away and enjoyed simple things in life and realised that this is the person I miss. What the F happened to me!! I think while I was with my ex I lost myself and maybe that is why he left. Time to re-discover myself. I booked a flight also today to visit my parents in 10 days for 5 days, I really need some people that care around me right now to keep my sanity.