He made me break up with him

[Jules201010]

We had a few years of good relationship but in the past few months he treated me so badly i had to split up with him. He immediately accepted the breakup though and said i was the worst thing that had ever happened to him. We met up once a few days after and he ended up calling me a bunch of names and we just walked off on each other. Then a week later i tried to apologize by email for my part and he responded that he never wanted to talk to me again in his life.

 

I feel I dont have any closure. I am not sure if there was another girl involved. Not that he cheated, but i think he had started to have feelings for someone. Since the split he blocked me on facebook. i have a feeling he is not thinking about me at the moment because he is trying to start something with her/ there is flirting on both their sides. But I have no proof of this.

 

I guess I am a bit shocked that years of relationship can stop so suddenly. Its like the second we split up he hated me and is running as fast as he can away from our relationship. Its strange that he gets to be angry with me and not the other way round because i feel like i gave more than he did by miles towards the end or our relationship.

 

he told me he never wanted to talk to me again. Its been a week since that email and obviously I didnt reply to it because it was so final and brutal, and he obviously doesnt want me to contact him. I am just wondering though if at one point in the future he will contact me. In the past we broke up and we ended up meeting up a bit and trying to get closure. This time its just bam no closure nothing, he is just acting like I am worthless to him. Does this signal that he did have something for this other girl? I felt like he felt stuck towards the end with me and that he fancied other women because we were in a rut. Will he realise the grass isnt greener, or will he appreciate the freedom and not look back?

 

NC on my part feels stupid and not effective because of course I wouldnt contact him after an email from him saying he never wants to talk to me again in his life.

 

Is NC from me going to have him think about us or has he just moved on.

[emma34]

Closure is a word that doesn't make much sense to me. Who can truly say they have closure until they are over someone themselves?

 

What exactly kind of closure are you looking for? Personally, I think that this ending is much better than months or years of relationship limbo as per many people's relationship. It's clear cut, he doesn't want to talk to you, it's over....what better closure could you ask for?

 

In regards to whether he is chasing other girls...well, let's just say all the speculating will do you more bad than good. You have to at least try to say 'Who cares!' His behavior to me suggests he probably is intersted in other women.

 

I don't know the situation, but regardless of what happened you have to tell yourself you are better than this...move on to something bigger and brighter.

 

Also, I have to say that is a classic guy thing to do (maybe us girls do it do...I don't know) to instead of breaking up with you just treat you really crappy until you have to break up with them. Coward! You deserve better than that!

 

You want him back?

[lavenderdove]

People say all kinds of things when mad that they may or may not mean...

 

But if he's chasing another girl, i would take that to mean that he is moving on to someone else and to protect your own heart you have to assume it is over.

 

You may feel a strong connection to him still, but if he was discontented and started eyeing other women, then that means that he has been disconnecting from you for awhile... and many man do use this 'behaving badly' method to finally break up, where they feel guilty up to a certain point, and want you to take responsbility for the breakup because it makes them feel less guilty.

 

It really is a waste of time and your heart to try guess what will happen in future... no one can tell you that. I know you want to hear he will be back, but all you can really do is accept what he has told you.

 

He may have been really angry at the time and feel stupid about it now, but if he is looking to date other girls, you have to assume that it is over at least for now. There's a chance he could miss you and come back later, but that is not something you should wait for because he also may not.

 

Just try to accept that he has moved on for now, and be kind to yourself and keep busy with your friends and other people.

[Jules201010]

thanks for responding

 

i am not at all sure about the other girl thing I just know that he was fed up and made me leave him.

 

i know I need to move on but i feel a bit stunned that he seems to really not care how i am, after all we have been through. He seems to actually hate me. Towards the end of our relationship he seemed to not even be on my side even.

 

I know eventually I will have a better relationship with someone, a new and better life. At the moment though I still feel a bit caught up in the uglyness or our split and i am hurt that he doesnt need or want to be kind to me. If he was kind to me it would help me handle the breakup. We were together nearly 5 years and by him just getting me out of his life so absolutely means that he is denying our time together.

 

Another thing he said was maybe we will be friends one day, but actually he sounded fake when he said that or it sounded rehearsed.

[lavenderdove]

you have to look at this in context... a teenager doesn't really hate his parents, but he becomes very impatient with them when he feels they are tying him down or stopping him from being free to do what he wants. And that teenager gets really angry when he feels stifled or restricted by his parents.

 

i think your ex may have been feeling very much the same way... he had been discontent and decided he wanted his freedom, and saw you as an impediment to being free and doing what he wanted, so he'd resent you, but too cowardly to tell you he wanted out. So instead he just lets his resentment grow until it got to the point you put your foot down, and he took that opportunity to blast out of the relationship leaving a trail of anger behind. It doesn't mean that he didn't once love your or you mean/meant nothing to him, just that he needed to build up a head of steam to give him (and you) enough to fight the inertia and break out of the relationship.

 

People behave really badly and brutally when ending relationships, because they need to get their point accross when the other partner is still trying to hang on. So don't take it that he really hates you, but that he needed to get really angry to finally break free. But don't miss that his behavior shows he's wanted to be free for a long time, just didn't have the guts to break away sooner, or in a nicer way.

 

Many men can't tolerate the emotional scenes with a woman crying and begging, so if they feel that is coming, they will do something beastly to get out quickly and hope you are so angry you'll leave them alone and won't call or show up and cry and beg. So he sees being kind as the absolute wrong thing to do, because it will give you false hope and make you cling to him even more. He isn't denying your time together, he is going out with a big bang that lets you know very clearly that he is done, and wants you to accept that it is over.

 

Studies on breakups show that the person who wants to break up feels discontent for a long time before they actually work up the nerve to make it happen, and do do these tactics like your ex is doing. It may not even be conscious on his part, he is just struggling to get free, and to have you accept that it is over too so that both of you can move on.

 

So don't waste a lot of time being upset about HOW he did it, because this is a common way to break free, just like a teenager starts acting like a monster when he his approaching the age to break free of the childhood bonds to his parent. It's much harder to leave someone you love and are getting along with, and easier to accomplish the final break if everyone involved is sick of each other. So that's what this is about, his need to separate from you, and feeling like you weren't 'getting' that and hence he just escalated the anger/nastiness to the point that a breakup was a foregone conclusion.

 

Some people are mature enough to not go there when they break up, and to find a kinder, gentler way to do it, but many people don't have those social/emotional skills, and end up breaking up in a blaze of anger and resentment just like this. It doesn't negate what you once had, but it certainly tells you that it is beyond time when it should have ended, and you need to let go.

[Kahdeksan]

Your closure does not come or derive from him being supportive of the break up. That has got to come from your acceptance of this relationship being over and dealt with. The time will come for you to have your closure, just not yet, it is way too soon.

 

You're not even really into the denial phase yet, let alone, anywhere near the anger phase, to finally reaching your forgiving/acceptance phase to all of this. However, having said all that we must understand that we all take in these difficult times on our own terms and conquer them at our own times.

 

He is angry at you, for obvious reasons, and his anger and resentment are his coping mechanism to dealing with this failure which deep down inside he'd deem it as such, but deny. So this is not only a denial on his part but one that's very personal too.

 

As for speculating whether or not he'll have girls on the other side of the spectrum is simply a waste of a thought to be put forth for the inevitable. You will both move on and you will both have different individuals to hook up with, so what's to say he won't have anyone? Accept this facet of a break up phase, as hard as it is...

 

While the relationship was all lovey dovey before a break up, it's common for the dumpee to take to their anger and resentment on their dumper. This is the human way of coping and protecting ourselves from hurt.

 

Take your time, go through the grieving process and let it slowly sink in that this is no more and that you will find your closure, but just not now.

 

Lots of ehugs your ways!

[lavenderdove]

^^

Yes, when it comes to breaking up, there is no way to do that easily...

 

If he had been loving and kind right up to the end, you might perceive it as more of a loss than it is, and be angry at him for acting like everything was fine when he knew he was leaving.

 

So really, when a person decides to leave a relationship, any way they do it is going to hurt their partner, so it is hard to find a 'right' way to do it, especially if the partner just mentally refuses to accept the relationship is over, or should be over.

 

A lot of the 'i need closure' impulse is really a very cleverly disguised psychological protection mechanism, where what you really want is for it to go back to the way it was and for your nice loving boyfriend to be back again. But you disguise that in, 'i need to talk to him again to get closure..' you don't REALLY want closure, you want to get back together, and any excuse to continue interacting with him works for you. He's basically already made it clear he wants out for his own reasons, you just don't like that answer...

 

So closure really is found within, with an understanding that as much as you wanted it, it didn't work out, or it didn't work for him, and both people have to want it for it to succeed. He could give you a million reasons why, but honestly they don't matter because the bottom line is he wanted out and is gone. So work on acceptance rather than chasing closure.

[Jules201010]

yes you are all right i need to accept it and move on. i am just still a bit stunned that its over in such a strict cold way.

 

part of me wants to contact him and let him know how angry i am about everything but i know its the wrong thing to do and in light of his last message i am pretty sure i would get no response which would make things worse

[jenmar]

Listen to Lavenderdove-amazing advice that I will more than likely never forget.

[Jules201010]

should i respond to the email saying i never want to see him again either? and why? or should i just not respond

[jenmar]

No- do not respond. go into NC immediately,

If you haven't responded yet and he still hasn't contacted you whats the point,

You will be more hurt in the end if you do reply and he doens't respond.

[lavenderdove]

No, because you don't really mean that do you? That is like screaming, 'i hate you, so there!!'

 

If you want to respond at all, do so by saying exactly what you mean/feel, as in 'i'm really sorry you feel that way. you really meant something to me, and i'm sorry it ended this way. i hope you don't hate me, but i will respect your wishes and not contact you again.'

 

But really, if he wants it to be over, you probably will get no response, or just another 'leave me alone'...

 

If you are going to say anything at all, say it for you to get it off your chest, with the recogniition that it won't change anything and that you most likely won't hear anything back, or hear something negative.

 

it is also perfectly reasonable not to respond at all, since he has said he doesn't want to hear from you again, just give that to him.

[violetka]

My ex did the same to me it is horrible and unfair, but just accept it, stay NC and you will start feeling better. It is my day 4 NC abd I already feel much much better.

[Jules201010]

does them saying they never want to talk or see you again mean just that and that they dont care at all, or does it imply that they are angry and hurt.

[lavenderdove]

There is no way to tell that... he could really mean it, or he could just be angry and will calm down later.

 

But the point is he really has been being a jerk and is dating others so you need to accept that regardless of that, he doesn't want to be your boyfriend anymore. He has your number and if he changes his mind, he can call you. But i wouldn't hold your breath waiting for that if he is dating other women.

[medtec]

men do that all the time-treat the woman they have spent years with like dirt so that they will do the hard work.

 

i know all too well.

my fiance did that to me for several months about four months ago before the end of our relationship.

 

he made EVERY EXCUSE IN THE WORLD WHY HE HAD GIVEN UP ON US.

i fought it like hard, i thretened him, cried, yelled, wrote nasty emails. but finally accepted it in a matter of a week.

 

the sooner you accept it then the sooner you can move on and heal.

i decided to forgive him and forgive myself.

 

then guess what happened??

 

after about 4 months after i pretty much accepted it and made changes in my life and i assumed he had moved on. basically i learned to not care about what he was doing! i learned that he didn't want to be with me and decided that another man would. i set goals for myself and learned to be happy without him.

 

he wants to get back together now in the future!

i said ok...but i'm cautious and know we need therapy. only the future can tell where we will end up but he DOES NOT DETERMINE MY HAPPINESS! I'M A GOOD PERSON AND IF HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE WITH ME SO WHAT??

 

basically good luck...i and so many other girls have been treated like this by their ex boyfriends. only the future can tell what will happen. but YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT THE WORST AND MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE. good luck and best wishes!

[Alstott Fan]

and many man do use this 'behaving badly' method to finally break up, where they feel guilty up to a certain point, and want you to take responsbility for the breakup because it makes them feel less guilty.

men do that all the time-treat the woman they have spent years with like dirt so that they will do the hard work.

 

A lot of us sure do. It's disgusting and the coward's way out. It's almost as bad as people who overlap relationships and use their SO's as stopgap measures.

 

 

 

Jules, I'm assuming you've heard the phrase "let sleeping dogs lie", well this is one of those times to do just that. Leave him to his cowardly self and do your best to move forward and not look back. This "man" is obviously a coward and has the maturity of a preschooler. Ask yourself, do you deserve that or a man who will love you in a mature and respectful way?