Extremely difficult relationship with bulimic and depressed mother

[secondchance1]

I have a problem.

I only ever write about my love life on this forum, but I know this problem is at the root of a lot of relationships issues i have.

 

My family is a very big issue. They drove me to bulimia and anorexia by constantly criticizing my appearance, to the point I can't, even now Im semi-recovered, let myself eat normally and I panic if I have to put on a bathing suit, even if I'm considered skinny for most people. I am now in my early 20s.

 

But my relationship with my mother has become unbearable.(I will chat about the rest of my family problems later...) I live with my parents now, and there is no other option for now. It is a very nice house, in a lovely area and being a full time student, its ok for now. I used to live away but had to live in dangerous housing estates and it was difficult.

 

My mother is very angry and bitter and refuses to admit she's had a problem, for years and years now. She lashes out at everything I say, or makes toxic comments about my appearance or my friends. My exboyfriend, when I was with him, went to travel through south-east asia. When he left she told me, 'You know he's going to sleep with prostitutes everyday when he's there its the only reason why men go travelling there'. When the man was sooo sweet and nice, and she had never even met him.

 

She goes mental for the smallest thing, it starts with me asking where the vegetables are, and from there she goes to say my friends are stupid nobodies who are intellectually inferior to us, and says I should stick to people with the same standards and financial assets as us. One, my friends are all extremely successful in their own way, dont do drugs, dont sleep around, they all earn a lot of money or are training to be doctors or lawyers. Secondly, even IF they weren't this way and didnt have degrees, it is out of order for her to say this about the people I call my best friends. She is never in a good mood, she doesn't have many friends, she complains all day, talks about food a lot.

 

She used to be bulimic at my age, and I suspected she stil was. She is very skinny for a 50 year old, does not exercise, eats cakes everyday. Suspicious...but then last week I heard her making herself sick in the toilet after lunch. She always tells me not to bother her after lunch as she locks herself in her bedroom. Well that time I had to go up as someone was trying to reach her on the phone and I heard her....

 

I know the signs, being an ex-bulimic who purged my meals everyday.

 

We had a massive argument today, her criticising my life, and I was keeping it in, until I exploded and said, 'Why dont you start looking at your own life and stop making yourself sick after your meals???' and she answered 'YOU ARE THE ONE WHO MAKES ME WANT TO PUKE'

 

And now I'm crying, I dont know what to do. She wont admit she has a problem, never apologizes for being so bitter and angry.

 

Any advice?

 

Thanks....

[blitzkrieged]

wow its crazy i found this. my mom has issue with weight and bulimia too..

I developed it at around 15 or so because my school had this big popular group who were in a fashion program, making their own clothes, they would always have this big awesome fashion show at the end of the year.. they would always tell me i should model for them, but come time to try on the clothes my hips or butt were always too big.. i was 15, 5'8" and 128lbs dieting! This was before I realized people had different body types. long story short it dragged on for almost 3 years, i ended up in the hospital, and was only able to recover when my bf broke up with me and i suppose it gave me a whole new thing to deal with that I just suddenly didnt care about being super skinny any more. Kind of a blessing in disguise?

 

Now, 5 years later im fully recovered.. i come home every now and then and find vomit in my moms bathroom by her bedroom . Shes never did this before I did so I felt alot of guilt.. shes always dieting, talking about getting lipo, or offering to pay for me to get lipo!!

 

I know how awful it is to go through that and anytime I ask her why she threw up she just says she is sick. I don't really think there's anything you can do for her right now unless she wants to change and thats the sad but true answer. I know there was NO ONE who could change me no matter how much they loved me, how many facts they told me, even after I came out of the hospital I still carried on for a while longer. ED's are the hardest thing to cure psychologically and with almost any problem you must admit you have one before you can seek help. Sucks but you can't do much, she is in the drivers seat..

[blitzkrieged]

^all you can do really is make sure you're there if she ever wants to talk about it.

[turnera]

I learned long ago to feel sorry for people who are hateful to me. I know they are in a much sorrier state than I ever was. It makes me thankful that I'm not walking in their shoes, and sad for them. That said, she is unlikely to ever change, and you need to go through a grieving process to accept that you'll never have the mother you deserved. Google stages of grieving.

 

Can you advertise at your school for a roommate, and move out?

[arcadefire]

You two are at arms with each other and it is damaging you both emotionally and mentally. Although you say you cannot move out, you need to remove yourself from this unhealthy situation.

 

My mother was the same to me. Always criticizing me, whoever I was dating at that time, my friends (saying they're not good enough, who cares?), demanding to know every little details of my personal business, everything. She loves to talk about money, and everything is about money. I was sick and tired of having to walk on eggshells around her in fear of her lashing out her depression onto me that I just had to move out.

 

I just had to accept that she will never change, calling me names, shouting, disrespecting me. Just because she's raised me doesn't give her any obligation of making me feel unloved.