What If Ex Is Moving Away?

[twizod]

I had a wonderful girlfriend who decided in four months to move with her sisters and parents to Florida from Virginia. She broke up with me to try and make this easier but for the last month we have been seeing each other every weekend and sleeping together. Last night, I told her I cannot heal if I stay in contact...essentially it is all or nothing with me. She didn't like the thought of not being able to see me at all but I told her I cannot heal even if I see her only once a week. It hurts too much. So, we are kinda in a standstill of what to do. I also told her I can still see her up until 45 days until she leaves then I'll need to break all contact till the last day here. If you have had experience or know somebody who has...what is the best course of action here?

[AB38]

Hmmm, tough one. I guess I need to know, How long did you date her? Was the relationship a good one?? If so, why would she move away from you?

 

All that said, you have serious decisions to make. Either tell her that you want to be with her no matter the cost, or cut it off completely. You will not heal and you will be miserable unless you have no contact what so ever. Sleeping with her, seeing her, just prolongs the pain.

 

Hope it works out for you.

[twizod]

-I dated her for 2 years and 4 months.

-The relationship was the best I have experienced. It had its problems but they were so minor it was basically her lack of communication with stuff. But no fighting or drama.

-She would move away b/c her family is VERY tight and they own their own business that they all work in. Her and her sisters go to bars, she lives with one of her sisters, and like I said...they all work together. They live in a world of themselves.

[Scout]

Did she ask you to move with them? And would you if she did?

[twizod]

She would never ask because it is a family move and boyfriends are viewed as outsiders. To give you a clearer picture: The parents want the kids to work for them, kinda like an asian culture would do...no stereotyping intended. The parents believe family sticks together..which is her four sisters: The oldest is 28, she is 25, her younger sister is 23 and the youngest is 17. The parents only like to go out with family and any boyfriend is usually not asked for things like Xmas, Thanxgiving, etc. It is strictly blood-related. The parents don't say this but it is expressed so I have always felts like an outsider. Is this healthy? Who knows. They are all dependent on their parents since they work for them. But my ex and her younger sister,23, live together in an apartment away from the parents. However, this move sounds like a typical family-together move like the holiday thing....I dont' think my ex would be happy away from them. They all spend every day together so this is her world. Would I move with her anywayz? No. I have a great job here, we both grew up here, and I just bought a townhouse. She needs to cut the umbilical cord not me.

[Scout]

Sounds like a no-win situation here, then. I know lots of people who have extremely close family ties and would never live too far from them, so I don't really think this is an abnormal situation. And you're obviously letting her know there is no way you'd go, thus she hasn't asked. Her only other choice is to stay with you, and live far from her family. I'm sure she loves you, but she obviously has stronger ties to her family. You may have to accept this is over, I don't see what power you have in changing the situation. Maybe other posters have some suggestions.

[twizod]

I think you lost track of this post. My reason for asking this question was the current arrangement. I see her on weekends, we still sleep together on the weekends, and I told her if she wants to make this easy on me then it is all or nothing. I cannot heal seeing her even once a month but I would need 45 days to get my feelings under control and she is moving in 4 months. Does anybody have any experience in managing a permanent breakup like this one and how did they handle it? Does it hurt more to continue seeing her on weekends and cut off contact in like two months? Does it help cutting contact right now or doing it later? What experience does anybody have when a g/f or b/f is going to move away in the future?

[davo1066]

I would say, if you love her, make the most of your last weeks together.

 

First, if thats what she wants, and she loves you too, you should do it for her even if it hurts you. Be selfless.

 

Secondm, its gonna hurt whenever you eventually break up, so you might as well have a few more weeks of happy memories. I got back with my ex for a few months even though we knew there was a time limit on it due to her job and though i am going through hell now it would be worse knowing we missed out on extra time together.

 

You can't get the time back once it's gone.

[twizod]

Beautifully said

[Scout]

That was beautifully said. Best of luck, Twizod...I know this is a difficult time for you. We're here for you, even if I might lose track of your original post from time to time.

[twizod]

Thank you. I ended up talking to her and basically saying that it is gonna have to be an "All or Nothing" deal. I do not date Ex's plain and simple. She seems to think that being in a relationship again would be a bad idea b/c of it being terminated in 3 months. I told her this is how I felt and that it wasn't an "all or nothing" relationship like she has to sleep over every night but "all" meaning we are together exclusively. Then it migrated to sexual frustration...and I went over there since my place is still getting renovated. No more sexual frustration but next time we talk face-to-face I will ask her for a decision. I'll update you.

[AB38]

Wait to stand firm man. I really hope it works out for you. Let us know.

[twizod]

She always txt messages me, "Good nite", after her and her sisters get done at the bars every Thursday, Friday, Saturday nites. I hated getting them b/c that is all it said and I'd rather talk and not see the same ol' txt every time I wake up in the morning. So I txt her with "no more txt only call". So, she called last night at 2am and I talked to her which is a lot more fun and I don't mind waking up for a little bit. She was wasted and about to puke from too much partying. I am used to her going out to bars with her two sisters. This is their outlet for work so nothing I wanna change. I talked to her for a bit and told her to drink some gatorade and try to puke. She was going to puke soon or try and asked if I could come over to keep her company or I could go to sleep. I decided to grab some pepto-bismol for her acidic stomach and keep her company. I did this b/c i hate sleeping alone and I had already decided nothing would happen. So I came over and she was passed out. Stuck the Pepto-bismol in her bathroom and set the alarm and went to bed. Got up and told her I gotta go and left for work. She and her two sisters are taking her little sister, 17yrs old, to a bday party in West Virginia for the weekend. I'll update you later.

[twizod]

This weekend I decided to see how my ex would act and if no effort was made I would just cut ties....but instead I decided to just cut ties on my end. She has 3 months approximately left till moving to Florida with her family and I would love to make the most of it but she won't give me any time except to call me at 2AM in the morning to get me to come over. After 5 times of this I felt cheap and told her to come over here. She did come sleep over last Monday night but no action happened b/c she is worried she might be pregnant. I don't believe it but we'll see, not like she will keep it. I am so exhausted from caring about her I am gonna give up making plans and asking and initiating anything. Basically, the ball is permanently in her court. Surprisingly, she called Tuesday nite which she never does after I sleep at her place. So, three more months of talking to other girls and trying to date while having my heart on my sleeve with her. Life does know how to test your patience.

[davo1066]

please ignore my earlier advice. when i said make the most of the time together i misunderstood, i thought she wanted to be with you 24/7. this looks like shes taking the p*ss. I suggest staying away and keeping minimum contact, you will get over her sooner. by all means explain to her why you are doing this.

[twizod]

I agree with you davo1066 that is why I have decided to never initiate anything with her. Just too much disappointment and confusion I cannot deal with anymore. But, I have friends with her friends so I will always give the facade of being friendly so there is no drama. She can do whatever she wants but I will not make waves and I know she will not either.

[twizod]

I have been talking with her friend, who is a great girl, and expressing my thoughts and trying to get some feedback about my decision to keep communication open. If the family is moving away then things have stagnated. The house is not selling and the future right now looks doubtful whether they are moving any time soon. My Ex has gone from calling on Monday to calling me every other day. It is nice but at the same time this is making things more difficult for my emotional fortitude. I like never initiating communication b/c it gives me some control and withdrawal but since she is calling so much I feel like I don't have my safety space. Very confusing. Her and her 2 sisters went to the beach for July 4th so I can have some time to my own with my friends this weekend. Unfortunately, I am babysitting her sisters dog, too. I did this b/c I honestly love that fat bulldog so its nice to have company in my townhouse. I have still decided to keep my stance the same and see what happens; I am more and more convinced I am happy at the present arrangement and would love to find somebody else. The flimsy "relationship" right now is so weak I wish she would just find somebody else and be done with it. Make my life easier.....but she isn't looking she says. After 3 months I have been on several dates with no luck and she has been on none. Of course still sleeping together once a week doesn't help.

[twizod]

With the Ex coming around so often this week it has actually had some bad consequences. My feelings are getting harder to control. If I don't see her that much I can control my feelings but it hurts and if she is coming around it hurts, too. I cannot win. I am only putting myself through this since her family plans on moving...house still hasn't sold in two months. Very awkward balance here. I find myself getting jealous if she talks to a guy too long or brings up his name too much. Funny, I am not a jealous person either and have never been jealous but when you aren't "together" there is no security any more. I feel like I am running a marathon with no ending in site. Oh well, one day at a time.

[twizod]

The consequences of seeing her so much have finally been paid in full. I initiated NC and got two days of txt messages of the usual:

HEY HONEY

GOOD NITE

GOOD NITE

GOODBYE.

Like I said, nothing new b/c she always txt those messages before going to bed when she really means, "You awake?" but refuses to actually type it. So I lasted a week and a half till I replied. We talked on the phone, she called after I txt her back, and I told her I needed time to myself b/c of how sensitive I was feeling to anything she did/said. She then had the audacity to say, "Well, I'd invite you over but you need time you said." Nothing I do or say is ever taken to heart with her. I just said I was sick of going over there but she could come over here. It was left at that and we hung up. Haven't seen her in more than two weeks now..longest in 2.5 years. I miss her desperately but I feel that since I initiated NC I have the control which feels good. I haven't had control in a long time! Well, I document this for me in the future and for others to learn from. We still txt each other good nite every night right now but neither of us is making any effort to see each other. It feels better this way, bitter sweet even.