BF brokeup w/ me Sat... still haven't heard anything. Im hurting.

[roxy79]

Hey there. I've been with my BF for 6, going on 7 months now. Our relationship has been flawless, except for the fact that he has smokes a lot of pot and I am against it. He hid it from me at the beginning but over time, he would just leave the room to do it. We have only had 2 serious conversations about this problem and both times he addimitted he had a problem and wanted to quit and change. I saw the great changes in him after a few days of having our most serious conversation. The changes were amazing and I was so proud of him.

 

We went away that weekend together but he felt he could smoke infront of me, which he is has never done. I asked him to do it elsewhere and that set him off. We got into one blowout about it that weekend but still enjoyed each others company once we talked.

 

Unfortunately last wednesday he came to my place and I felt, he got very stoned out in his truck before come to me. He barely talked and just layed almost commatose on the couch for 3 hrs until I told him I wanted to go to bed. The next day I sent him an email asking if he was still willing to change his habits because the way he acted wed night made me think he didn't want to. I just thought it was rude of him to get that stoned before coming to spend quality time with me.

 

Fast forward... he didn't talk to me at all thurs, or friday. Sent me an email Sat saying we needed to go our separate ways that he doesn't want to quit smoking just yet and he's upset at me for not accepting him for him, the good and the bad.

 

I attempted numerous times to talk with him yesterday, saying it was the lying and beings sneaky about it that made me resent the drug,and the amount, not him. I even sent him an email this morning apologizing for treating him that way and making him feel bad about smoking, when I should have accepted him for him.

 

I sent that email this morning, I know he's read it. It was a very heart felt and truthful email asking for him to forgive me for making him feel bad about himself all of these months and that I hope we can move forward especially since I am willing to make changes myself and be more accepting. I haven't heard from him. and its killing me that he isn't trying to communicate or even acknowlege I exist. What do I do? what should I be thinking?

[memphis1]

He probably assumned if he was being straightfoward with you about his habbit then you'd think wrong of him. Not making excuses for him, but you can't blame him for wanting to hide his addiction. Maybe he's ashamned of it or just doesn't want you to know about it.

 

About the breaking up part. There's not much you can do about it if he's not answering your calls or whatnot, but you're lucky it's only 6 - 7 months instead of 6 - 7 years. You'll move on and life will continue. NC is the best thing for you. probably the hardest, but the best.

 

Good luck!

[roxy79]

He had admitted to me that he is ashamed of his addiction and he is embarassed but I told him I would be there for him every step of the way. I was never judging him. I guess I'm just so confused as to why he's ignoring my every attempt to speak with him about it to see if we can find a compromise. ?? Why would he want to throw it all away all of a sudden? We never even had the conversation on what we both could do to get thru this so both of us are happy? That's whats hurting me....

[peanutbutterandjelly]

he just doesnt really want to change. if he did, he would still be with you. thats the hard truth unfortunately. and it's probably better this way, because if you stay in the relationship, one of you will be miserable.

 

my best friend just recently broke up with her fiance because of this. she tried and tried to change and was just miserable and eventually had to end it.

 

i dont know how long your bf has been smoking or how much, but I lived with a daily smoker for 3.5 years. i knew what he was like going into the relationship. you either have to accept that he's going to be smoking and not try to change him, or just move on.

 

In his mind he is probably wondering why you are not trying to change to be more accepting of him. And it really is kind of a double standard. You are asking him to change but not willing to change for him. it's just not going to work if you guys are in totally different mindsets like you are.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

oh, and I just saw your age. if he is the same age as you, he is not going to quit at that age if he hasn't already.

[shessofly]

this is something you clearly will never be okay with. what kind of compromise would you be able to live with? it seems the best thing to do is to part ways, since his habit bothered you so much. i'm not sure an email about the issue was the best way to go, but it doesn't matter because it's done now.

 

i'm not saying you were right/wrong about the way you feel, but clearly if it's an issue for you now it still will be later down the road, and it may be best that the two of you ended now.

[thejigsup]

Smoking anything is a major turnoff for me, and it seems for you as well. I would send him an email apologizing for sending him mixed messages about the smoking. Tell him if he wants to keep smoking, fine, but you will not be there. Also tell him if he ever gets serious about quitting, he can always count on you for support. Tell him you care, but you care about yourself, too.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I notice how he turned everything around on you so that you ended up feeling guilty and wrong rather than him! He came to your house stoned and incapable of being a viable presence in your life and you had every right to be upset...but somehow he managed to turn this all around on you so that you ended up apologizing to him! He is a stoner...just like an alcoholic or a gambling addict or a sex addict or a porn addict, nothing will ever be his fault, everyone will have to accept him as is. It is best to be broken up with him..don't take him back because you will never be happy...his pot will always come first over you...just like for alcoholics, alcohol comes first.

[DN]

Well, you were being a little disingenuous because you say it was the lying about it that was the problem but it was really that he smokes it at all. So you really need to make up your mind if you want to be with him if he smokes at all or just when he is with you or just before he meets you.

 

This is his addiction and unless he really wants to change then he won't even if he is ashamed and embarrassed.

[G-Snap]

I think you should leave this one as is. He broke it off and it's probably a good decision. I'm not going to condone pot or judge it. Some women have no issues if their b/f smokes pot, clearly you do, and clearly he isn't quitting, so this is an open and shut case of...let this one go.

 

I also think that you are not totally honest in saying it was only the dishonesty bothering you. When he came clean you still didn't want him to do it.

 

If I ever had to CHOOSE i'd take a pot smoker over a drinker. Obviously I'd rather have neither but drinking to me causes far worse behaviors than pot. I dated a guy once who smoked pot, didn't really bother me, he didn't do it around me. We broke up for other reasons. Since you just simply don't like pot don't try to change this guy, it won't work. He will only quit when it is a choice he is ready to make totally independent from his g/f.

[roxy79]

At the end of the day, I was willing to make it "work" whether I let him smoke on my patio, instead of him going away to his truck or I go on a walk with him so he could do it, rather than him having to go outside alone. But what is hurting me is that HE was the one who said he did want to quit and this wasn't something he wanted to do for the rest of his life and HE did need to make changes.... he recognized all of that. So how is it than in his email, he now suddenly "wants to live his life the way he wants to" and he "wants me to accept him for him..." ???? I thought I was doing the RIGHT thing by supporting him in quiting.

 

Knowing that he recognized his problem, I'm having a hard time understanding why he's pushing me away. Why wouldn't he want to embrace me and be thankful that I was wililng to help him thru it all? I never judged him... but he would lie straight to my face about and say he was going to the bathroom, when really he was going to smoke. I'm NOT that dumb, but never had the balls to say it to him. And truly if he did a "normal" amount of pot which many of my friends do, I wouldn't have been bothered by it. But he needs to do it every HOUR. That's a bit out of control and I called him out on it.

 

So... it is now day 3 and I still haven't heard from him.

[shessofly]

he doesn't really want to quit. the conversation after being confronted was only a temporary change of mind to please you.