Jealous/easily-angered friend

[Pompea]

Sorry this is so lengthy; I know I'm forgetting some details.

 

Thomas has been my friend for about 7 year now. For maybe six of those years he was a best friend. We dated briefly, about six months, over a year ago.

Since then we've remained pretty close, but I'm getting a little fed up.

 

When we broke up, it was because I wanted to. I wasn't feeling the same about our relationship and I valued him as a friend more than I did anything else. He told me he wanted to remain as close as we were before we dated, and I was happy. I understood that he would be a little hurt or whatever, I know he is perfectly okay in feeling whatever emotions he feels.

 

After we broke up, all of this crap started happening. It didn't necessarily start because of the breakup, it was just a mixture of things building up over time.

 

1) Thomas was very nice to me, but rude to other people. He'd just be flat out mean sometimes and this bothered me. In so many years that I'd known him he'd never said a thing that was mean to me (not to say we hadn't had out fights) but it was embarrassing the way he'd snip at other people. "You're a * * * * ing idiot" "You're really bad at this" etc. He doesn't care what people think if he doesn't know them. To all of his closer friends and family he's kind of a saint. I'm only adding in this last part so no one accuses him of being abusive. He's not. This attribute it just annoying and bothersome.

 

2) He still has feelings for me, and is jealous of other guys even though I have told him I no longer share the same feelings. I understand that he would be jealous, but I can no longer talk to him about guys that I like, I'm even afraid of telling him that there is one I would like to start dating in case I hurt him.

 

3) I have tried in the past being upfront and honest with him about things, but he always takes it as criticism or insulting and gets angry. I have gone out of my way to indicate that in no way am I trying to insult him, but he still takes it badly.

 

4) When we get into arguments about something, he will attack from any angle he can, but when I make a point he either completely changes the subject or accuses me of turning it around on him somehow. If he knows he has done something wrong he will not address the issue even when pressed on it. He talks about something else.

 

5) There is a guy I am interested in who I am pretty sure is also interested in me. The problem is, if I ever did start dating this guy, I don't know how I would tell Thomas. Like I said, even when I try to be up front with him he gets hurt and angry. And if I opt to not tell him he will find out anyway and still be hurt and angry.

 

I don't get what I'm supposed to do. It seems impossible to not hurt him, but I'm getting really fed up with his anger and hurt and passive aggression. I even considered not wanting to be his friend anymore because all we do anymore is bicker and not have fun, but how can I just let go of a 7 year friendship when we were so close like that?

[DN]

This is why you should not try to remain friends with an ex. He doesn't, and never did, want friendship. He wants you back and can't contain his feelings.

[agent1607307371]

Totally with DN on this one.

 

Also, I don't understany why you would want to be friends with someone who is so vicious to others.

[Pompea]

DN: I'm friends with all of my other ex's and there are no feelings involved. I understand what you mean, that I shouldn't try to be his friend, but I don't really see it as a rule for all exes.

 

Agent: It's not something I admire in him, and I've argued with him about it before. It's just how him and most of his other friends are. He's rather elitist, actually. This isn't the breaking point of our friendship, and not the sole reason why I would stop being his friend, it's just something that bothers me about him and adds on to the tension that already exists.