right/wrong and ultimatiiums

[emma j]

Hi all,

So i ave a complicated situation that i need some outside advice on.

 

Myself and my bf have a pretty up and down relaionshipt. he is bi polar. I have a situation at the moment in which i won' back down on but that i need some outside advice to see if i'm in the wrong.

 

So i have a one year old god child who my bf does not get on with the parents. i introduced them early into our relationship and after myself and my bf broke up the first time they remained friends but he since fell out with them, doesn't like them and feels that they take advantage of me becuase of things he's heard them say while he was friends with them andi wasn't.

 

I was asked by the parents if i would mind the baby for a weekend which i happily agreed to as its my godhild who i would love to spen the weekend with.

 

So my bf finds outs and immediately says well you won't see me that weekend so. I was a little taken aback by it but respected his decision as i knew how he felt about the parents. but no this wasn't to be the last of it.

 

He has now dumped me because 1) i didn't take his feelings into considration 2) i won't ring the parents up because he simply doesn't want me to mind the child 3) because in his words " i can't get my way.

 

He has openly admitted that 1) he is being selfish and that 2) i am neither being selfish nor unreasonable.

 

I can understand his view that i am unwilling to do something that he is asking me to do but i feel so stronglly that e is being so selfish. this is my godchild which i might add has said "its me or them, you chose"

 

So he has dumped me bacause i won't back down nd tell them i wont' mind her. He says that i know what i have to do to save this relationship but i've also told him that it works both ways that he needs to stop being so unreasonable.

 

He often dumps me if he a) doesn't get his own way or b) i don't agree with something. He has anger issues and did indeed frighten me lastnight when his anger exploeded and he was right in my face with his finger right up in my face.. he later punched his steering wheel several times.

 

So i need some advice here, he wants me to roll over ad give into his demands and hence "save" our relationship, but i feel that he is being very very selfish and ridiculous about this and why becuase i want to mind my godchild and he doesn'tlike the parents.

 

So he's given me an ultimatium that its either them or his, that so far i have NOT given into. Should i???

[Honey Pumpkin]

No. And to be honest, I would probably end things with him, he sounds a bit out of control and with no intention of improving things with you - just wants his own way.

[emma j]

Hi,

thanks for your reply. I was having doubts as to whether i was being in the wrong. We are currently txting. Him stilling holding on his ulitmatium, guilt tripping me saying if it where him that he'd choose anyone over me. but i'd never ever ask him to chooe between me and his godchild. ugh.

[jadenrain]

He is in the wrong. you should never stay with a guy that makes that type of ultimatum. because being a godparent you get the kids if something happens to the parent so its almost him asking you to chose him over your child. Plus that child is here to stay and he doesn't seem like he wants to stay around for long

[emma j]

Thank you. i feel a bit more grounded in my decision. Funny this is we've recently been looking up engagement rings. But what hope have i got with a guy who puts me in this situation.

[Juxtapoz]

emma, i dated a guy who sounds VERY familiar, VERY similar to this dude.

 

RUN.

 

I'm serious. He's a sinking ship who wants to pull you down with him.

[emma j]

ugh, i feel so lost. I told him that he knows where i am when he stops being so selfish and drops his ultimatium. He replied and said and you know where i am when you decide to do what you do and how i'm gonna loose everything. a whatever.. the hell with him and his games.

[Juxtapoz]

EXACTLY. it's a mind game. he's manipulative and controlling and he's going to try and shove his insecurities and problems into your lap as though they're your own and you're the one sabotaging the relationship. it's all a big mind game. believe me......

[catfeeder]

This time it's the kid, next time it'll be some friends he doesn't like, then before you know it, he'll hold a gun to your relationship if you call your family. He's not stable.

 

You can love someone and still see clearly why they are detrimental to your happiness and your future. Some people are best loved from far away. I'd stop contact.

[metrogirl]

I agree with the others, he sounds extremely unstable. If you give in to his ridiculous demands, he will know that he can basically make you do anything he wants.

 

Now if he wants to act like a child and break up with you because you are watching your godchild, then good riddance. Personally, I would be exhausted trying to deal with him and the child at the same time.

[emma j]

hi all,

So its the next day and i can safely say i feel even more miserable, down, upset, sad and angry than i was before. After i write this thread i'm going to send him a mail. so i'm gonna update a lil.

 

The situation right now is that i told him that he was firmly in the wrong and that it was up to him to fix it, that it was not my place to fix this relationship but him and to do it soon. With that i got this txt." fine fine fine,i'm sorry for breaking up wit you i'm sorry for hurting you , i'm sorry for being selfish and unreasonable. i want us to be together, But i'm saying this and remember it cause i mean it. Your after changing my perception of this relationship. It'll never be the same again" ( by the way he can be a lil dramatic) so clearly this txt was written sarcasticly but he knew that i was not going to back down. I replied to him stating that he had done the same for me and that i think we should take some space today. he said yeah you do what you want.

 

So, I can only guess that because he was not content with this and prob feeling like he had lost control of the situation and like i had "won" i got this txt. " I'm not going to the wedding. Forget about a ring. Or moving in together.i'm never again going to tell you i love you. Or hug you or ever drive you anywhere or help you out with money or buy you anything. Or cuddle you or ever go into your house again or have any kind of realstionship with any of your family. So you can do what you want. i'll still be your boyfriend and regarless of how i feel i won't stand in your way"

 

So i basically said that well if thats how he felt then fine thats what he can do. I know him and i know he's never keep half of that up. We meet up last night and all he did was rant on and on and on. My head was melted. He told me how yes he ws being selfish but that this is the way it was gonne be.

 

Since waking up this morning i feel like i have a new perspective on this,..Yes i love my bf dearly.But i've realised a few things. He goes on about how "good" he is to me, but he's only good with paying for thing or helping me out. Emotionally he is not good for me, he is so so bad for me. He has made my emotional wellbeing an unstable one and i'm the most relaxed person you will meet. He see it that i don't care about him if my choice is to continue to agree to mind my godchild and that if i a) loved him and b) care about him i'd do what he wants me to do. But that is not the case, i'm doing it because its simply the right thing to do and just becuase he's my bf doesn't mean that i have to give in to my own morals and do a seflish thing.

 

him on the other hand, his subsequent actions have been out of spite and revenge. To have consqeuences on a gf because she hasn't done what youve "asked" is insane. To tell a girl that you will no longer do things you had planned ( going to a wedding with me, me going out for his birthday and him helping me move stuff back to my home) is out of spite and not becuase its right and to hold back on love and affection is done simply again from spite and beucase you know it will hurt the other person, i again have done it beucase its right.

 

I'm thinking that if i say to him you need to change these consequences of yours or i'm going to need a break will be majorly turned around on me so that i'm now giving him an ultimatium or that he will simply not choice the thing i want him to do out of spite. the difference is that my decision is again made from right and wrong his out of spite.

 

I know that a) this guy is not good for me b) he destroys my mental health c) has clearly no respect for me, so why why why can't i tell him to just go the hell away. he manipulated me and controls me but yet i always stick by him every time he dumps me and why, beucase of his "llness". his illness doesn't make him a pr!ck, he does that all by himself.

 

I gt out of the car last night with not so much as a hug but sure i've made it lke that apparenly and if i just change my mind we can get back to our "perfect" relationship.. please.. He's gonne end up making me hate him, fall out of love with him and resent him. Yet he stil goes on about all these things he wants to do and give me. ( engagment rings we've been looking up, moving in together)

God i feel so sick. sorry for thespelling mistakes i'm on a train!!!

Emmas

[emma j]

wow, i didn't even make it to a mail.

 

Him - i hope you caught your train ok( he was suppose to bring me)

me - yes i did

him - which bloke did you get to bring you in

me - quarter to nine in the morning, second txt in and your off already. Just leave me alone.

him - what ever. Its no wonder i'm going for an sti text so just answer my question.

me - Thats it. i ned some space from you. You are completleu destroying me emotional and mental state and you don't even care. your rude and degrading. i mean it back off and leave me alone.

Hm - No i wont. This is our relatiopnship now. So wither dump me or deal with it. You had your chance. But being the selfish, stubbrn, ucaring, unloving cu*t that you are you didn't bother. Cause thats you, only cares about what she wants never anything about her bf who does f-ing everything for her.

 

For the record i have never onece cheated on him or anyone else in my life. he's constanly paranoid that i'm of with someone else. i cant take this anymore. i need to get the courage up to dump him. he's killing me/

[catfeeder]

Among other things, the guy just called you the 'c' word. Ask yourself how much courage you really need to walk away from that?

 

I'd stop analyzing nits and let the bigger reality sink in.

 

You're too sane to stay involved in this, and you don't need to keep breaking up with him to get out of it.