Questions for any here who were the DUMPERS...

[Brandell]

Hi guys,

 

Listen it just occurred to me that it might be a good idea to find out the thought processes of those people on the board who were the ones that ended the relationship. Of course the vast majority of us here are dumpees who are trying to come to terms with the breakup, move on as best we can and perhaps hope for a reconciliation in the future if its possible. i find myself putting myself into my ex's shoes, trying to figure out what she is thinking, so I would like to ask if there are people here who are the ones who have ended a relationship and are perhaps wondering should they get back in touch or realised they made a mistake or even anyone who knows the relationship breakup was for the best but are still hurting who THEIR thought processes are in relation to what we are taling about in nearly every post here.

 

Specifically, I, and many others here would like to hear from people who STILL HAVE FEELINGS for their ex., and perhaps still even love them deeply but were felt they needed to end the relationship for emotional, practical, pressure, co-dependence etc. etc. reasons.

 

1) How does the mind of a dumper work when the person hey have left keeps contacting them and pleading, expressing their love, promising to change, demanding answers. You know, why do we ALWAYS seem to push our ex's away when we try to contact them. Why does that approach NEVER seem to work even if you still love the person? Is it because of guilt, fear of manipulation, anger, pity... what? Please explain from a dumpers point of view why this approach does not work and what thought processes YOU go thru at this time.

 

2) When your ex. instigates NO CONTACT with you what thoughts go through your mind during this time and why is it that many ex's get back in touch after periods of no contact. What is it about hearing nothing from them that makes you want to call? Is it purely that you miss the? Is it all those fond memories coming back? Is it just idle curiosity? Is it a fear they might have met someone else?.. Again please explain YOUR thought processes during this period.

 

As I said I think it is better to hear from people who still have feelings for their ex. rather than people who have moved on completely but still feel the relationship needed to end.

[DrNick]

Hi Brandell, I was a dumper who then changed my mind. To be fair, I didn't change my mind, I never really wanted to end the relationship, but there were certain issues between us that meant we really needed some time apart. At first, my ex remained friendly, but after a week or so her attitude changed (I continued to be friendly) and now she won't even speak to me. So maybe I'm not the best "dumper" to ask.

 

However, my take on the situation is as follows. All relationships create good memories and bad memories. When you've just broken up with someone and they're calling you at all hours, crying, begging, pleading, threatening, swinging between sadness and anger, it's an emotionally charged situation and their negative mood makes you remember everything that is wrong with them. In other words, negative moods make you think negatively about the person. However, if they institute no contact, over time, the human mind is quite good at forgetting the negative and remembering the positive. thereforeeee, you begin to romanticise the time you had with the other person. Furthermore, if you then see them a few months later and they're a much better person (ie. looking great, got past their other problems), you think "wow" and your interest is rekindled. Of course, I don't want to give people here false hope. Sometimes the other person moves on and even though they may be happy for you, they no longer have a romantic interest in you. However, no contact is not primarily about getting the other person back. No contact is for YOU to move on with some dignity. I came to the realisation that before you can heal, you must let go completely. That is, you must accept that they are not coming back, and act accordingly. While the realisation may sadden you in the short run, it is the only way to move forward in a healthy way.

[craigblitz]

Amen!!! Move on with your life as if it is over. It is obviously over for that person or they would not havebroke up. If not you are going to over analyze everything. You will be on here asking is it ok for me to call, what did they mean by this. I am guilty of all of the above. No Contact.... is best for you and the person who dumped you. Trust me it took me a lot of tears and beers to realize this, and yes it still hurts loving someone who doesn't love you but it will get better.

[Nooxie]

"Tears and beers"

 

Lol.....that's awesome...

[John1]

Hi

Just to add my 2 cents..

 

me and my exgirlfriend split up 12 months ago now..It will be a 1 year now this weekend. She went away on a 2 week holiday with her family and during this 2 weeks I cheated on her with another girl... when she came back instead of confessing that I made a stupid mistake and tell her it meant nothing and was stupid - i was drunk but shouldnt have made a difference..But what did I do instead? I dont know why, but I told her I had met someone else, which gave her the impression that I was seeing someone else, which I wasnt... But anyway we split up..It was me who said we should split up even though I didnt want to ... But it was her I supose who dumped me..

 

Now I regretted it straight away.. Me and this girl were together for 4 years and we planned on moving in together and getting married and spending the rest of our lives together.. I knew after a few days of straight thinking that I made a huge mistake..

I called her and begged her for a 2nd chance... she changed her number.. I would message her sister a lot too to talk to her sister for me.. i sent her letters every week begging for about 5 months... I really ***ed up on the no contact thing.. She was my 1st serious girlfriend so had never been part of a breakup before but obviously reacted badly to it...

We used to speak 3-4 times a day..In the 12 months we have split I have spoken to her maybe 10 times....But I have been trying for her to give me a 2nd chance for the last 12 months.. but shes not having any of it.. I asked her recently could we meet regularly for coffee or just to talk, so she said she will think about it.. which i hope she does.... But I was kind of the dumper in a way even though she was the dumper if that makes sense.. but I still love her so much. I think of her every day , she says she doesnt love me anymore, i dont know if she means that or if shes trying to hurt me like I hurt her... I dont know if we will ever be getting back together... I would love us to be together again.. but the ball is in her court now.. she knows I love her ... It was all a stupid mistake....

[AB38]

what happens when the dumper and the dumpee parted ways without anger? That they still care for each other but know they are simply oil and water when it comes to a relationship? This has been the hardest break up I have ever had.

[TrueHeart]

They're never easy... I've been the dumper AND the dumpee... Neither job is fun, and neither is easier than the other...

 

When you let someone go, apart of YOU goes with them.. this is the part that causes pain. Its a cruel world out there.. but as they say, it always gets worse before it gets better....

[onetallulah]

You have posed a great question, and I'd like to share my experience as a dumper. I was involved in a relationship for 10 months with a man that had every quality I looked for in a partner except for one fatal flaw: I didn't feel emotionally fulfilled or cared for in the way I needed. And I do believe that is what most drives most well grounded people to the breaking point. As difficult as it is to 'dump' someone, sometimes it is not to hurt the other person, but to protect yourself.

 

Truth is, although I walked away, I still care for him deeply. In fact, it was only after I left that I realized I truly loved, and still love, this man. So for all the 'dumpees' out there, please take solace that sometimes it doesn't mean that a person doesn't love you, but sometimes a choice has to be made and that both parties do suffer for it. I would give anything to have the relationship back, to be back together, but I know that until there is growth on both sides, until the reason for the breakup could be healed and improved (and that takes changing on BOTH sides) there will never be a future.

 

There have been some wonderfully insightful posts on this site regarding getting over a breakup. If you really cared/loved for someone I agree that it is never easy to move on, or to ever forget that person. Love is such a special emotion, but without respect and honor for the relationship, sometimes you have to 'cut your losses' and try to find what you need elsewhere.

 

But for those feeling hurt, sad or lonely because they're heartbroken because they have been 'dumped', please know (at least from this 'dumper') that it is extremely difficult for us too. I wish I could take back that moment when I ended it, to have it return to the glorious days of love and happiness, but in all things there are good and bad. But when the bad outweighs the good....well, you know the story.

[Mun]

I had to let go of someone I cared for deeply because I felt we were stuck in a rut. It was the hardest thing I had to do. I didn't see the "relationship" moving to where I needed it to be despite us talking about it several times. Sometimes letting go and moving on is the best thing you can do to grow( on both sides). Surprisingly after I left him he claims to have changed and is now ready to "move on " in the relationship. I don't think it's too late but I am skeptical. I know the time away has helped him to see both the good and the bad that we had. For me it was hard because I still had feelings for him but at the same time I knew I couldn't stay where we were.

 

I think when there are deep feelings there is always hope.. it may be weeks or months down the road, but there is a chance.

[a_little_sparrow]

onetallulah,

 

How do you think you'll know when the healing on both sides has been done?

 

AB38,

 

I'm going through something similar. My ex and I left on such a tender note, and with that I find the letting go part of the break up very hard to do. In the end what I've decided is best is just to concentrate on myself. I've been alone before, and I survived. I can do it again. That doesn't mean I'll remove her from my mind. It only means I won't spend every waking moment waiting/hoping for her return.

 

I guess I'm curious. If you still think that the two of you were oil and water, does that mean you are wanting her back? Or you think it was a good thing that the breakup happened?

[onetallulah]

A little sparrow...

 

How do you know when the healing is done on both sides? I don't think there is ever a black and white in this, but more of individual healing (you can never truly know what is going on with the ex's mind) and hopefully if there is communication between the two of you, a slow process back to creating a life together. You have to think about the relationship as a completely new one, not just fall back into the intimacy. When you first date someone, you give little by little, as you feel safer and more comfortable with sharing yourself. As you begin to trust this person, and your feelings grow, you continue to share more and more. That is a bond that has been created.

 

If you get back together with someone after you've broken up, the way to know if healing has occurred and the relationship is ready to move forward, is to treat it like a new one. Slowly, building the trust and love all over again. If you assume they've changed, without witnessing it, you could put yourself in dangerous territory if they haven't. The REASONS for leaving must be improved and healed, or the relationship will never grow. You will only get hurt again.

This is perhaps the most terrifying part of breaking up, and reuniting. All you can think of is the pain, but somehow even the pain seems small when you think of missing them. So you pretend the pain that led you to your decision really isn't that powerful, that love can conquer all, that what really matters is this special person in your life. But that's just emptiness speaking (and yes, love too--but not as much as you think) because now you are alone, a large void in your life, and you want a quick fix and want to fill it. You think getting them back will do that--maybe for a moment, but again, if HEALING has not occcured, there is no hope of a future.

 

And so healing does mean ALONE time, healing yourself, giving your ex space to think about what there is/isn't between you. All you can do is be completely honest with yourself, get back to that place where you live a fulfilling life without them. (I know, it seems like you'll never be happy again, but think about it like going to the gym. It hurts like hell when you're on your 100th squat, muscles burning, short of breath, dear god please make it stop, I can't do this again, tomorrow, the day after etc--but when you're done, not right away, but down the road in the future, all that pain and torture really was worth it because look at what's in the mirror now: A completely new you!

 

Is there an answer? Not a definitive one, but just know that if you are hurting and feeling lost because of a breakup, you are not alone.

[a_little_sparrow]

onetallulah,

 

I agree you can never know what's going on in the ex's mind. And the more I read posts on this web site, the more I realize it is unproductive to try and figure out what the ex is thinking.

 

It sounds to me like the whole getting back together part is scary for both sides. Even though I maintain some hope that my ex will call, I'm scared of how things would fall together if she did call. One thing I am beginning to realize though is that if I don't try moving on with my life, I will be stuck with this hurt from missing her, and I won't heal. And any effort we might make to reunite may be sabotaged by that hurt (be it in the form of resentment or fear).

 

The frustrating thing, though, about being the person dumped is that those reasons you mention, that brought up the breakup, are things that relate to her. She says she wants to feel an intensity toward me. And she has a hard time understanding what she really wants from a committed relationship. I've acknowledged my own shortcomings, but what's holding us apart right now are her own issues. And I know I can't do anything to fix her issues for her.

 

And so yes, I concentrate on myself. And I keep one ear to my heart knowing that love for her is still there, but it doesn't need to consume me. Knowing as well that that love may never again be requited--one of the hardest admissions, especially as I continue to want to hold out some hope.

[onetallulah]

Sparrow,

 

If I can offer you any comfort or consolation of a woman's perspective...you must consider that we are all looking for that special person in our lives, sometimes we try and fail, sometimes we succeed, but most often it is a journey that teaches us things about ourselves, and most importantly about being a human being. And the people we meet along the way help us to figure out what we really need. But we can't ever give up hope.

 

First, you must congratulate yourself for feeling so deeply about another--that is a true testament about your emotional health. and in regards to your ex that wants to feel 'intensity' towards you, ask yourself if this is someone whom you are willing to grow together with. If the answer is yes, then really give yourself (and the ex) a chance to discover if the love between you is strong enough to get over this obstacle.

 

I broke up with my ex for very similar reasons (although it was his issues with intimacy that drove me to make a break). I love him dearly, but the cold truth of it is we as individuals know what we want, and sometimes the other person just isn't capable of giving that to us. Sad, but true. So you are right in that her indecision is her issue. She must make a decision. Unfortunately you are waiting in the wings--the worst part of the equation.

 

the way I feel about my ex is that I have very clearly stated what I need from the relationship, now it is his decision whether he will step up to the plate, or move on. I guess, in retrospect, my breaking up with him was a strong statement that he wasn't fulfilling me like I needed or deserved. It was the most difficult decision of my life, and causes me great pain. But ultimately you must accept that whatever the decision is, hopefully it brings each of you greater awareness of your needs.

 

We want to be loved by the right person, the special person we are willing to devote our time and attention to. If she truly doesn't think you are that person, then you must face the hurt and move on. But you sound like a well grounded man and I don't need to tell you that the best you can do is be honest and open with your feelings--then the ball is in her court.

 

I tried to close the door and run away, but my ex wanted to be friends, didn't want to say goodbye. I agree with the 'no contact' on a certain level, especially in the beginning, because although I did the dumping, I had so much I wanted to say--but when you are hurting, it is usually anger and resentment that comes out.

 

It is true that if the love is really there, if both parties are willing to communicate, there is hope. Finding someone you want to spend your time with is rare and wonderful--that doesn't go away. But we all have basic human needs, and we will never be happy or fulfilled if they are not taken care of. So ask yourself is you have given all that you can to the relationship. If the answer is yes, and she's still not interested, please honor yourself and let her go and make space for the woman that finds you perfect. If you can admit that you are whole, then it is as simple as two people that do not meet on an equal standing. That doesn't mean the hurt and loneliness will go away now, but it does mean you now have a better understanding of the person whom you deserve to have in your life.

[a_little_sparrow]

llulah,

 

You point to any number of very difficult decisions or realizations I need to find. The thing I know I need is time, and I can see she needs it as well. Yes, I do believe this is someone I want to grow together with. It's wonderful to live with that recognition, and painful at the same time. Will she find that intensity again? I don't know.

 

I sent an email to her last week asking if she would be willing to talk at the end of the summer about where we are. I explained I have no idea what will happen in the next few months--perhaps I will find I want to be friends, perhaps I will still want to be with her, perhaps one of us will be dating someone else. There really is no telling. And I'm trying to make sure I keep my mind open, and I continue to ask myself the difficult questions regarding my feelings for her.

 

In her response she said first that she was a little nervous about agreeing to talk about "where we are" because she's afraid it would put us back into this limbo we were in before she broke up. For about a month we were on a break, which meant I was waiting for her to call, and I was going crazy with anticipation. She feels we now have closure. She goes on to say though that she's not totally settled about this break up. "Time does strange things to people" she says, and there's no telling what either one of us will be thinking or feeling in the future.

 

And that's where it has been left. Well, I emailed her back and agreed that the closure that has come from the break up is good, and it leaves me free to think about what I really want--something I wasn't able to do for myself during the break. I also said I have no expectations about what this meeting will bring.

 

And that is the truth. I know if you were to ask me today what I want, I would say I want to be with her. Will I still think the same thing in three months? I think I will, but there's no telling what could happen between now and then.

 

Did I give everything I could to the relationship? Well, no. I gave an awful lot--enough so that she knows I care for her. Enough so that I can walk away knowing I did what I could to make the relationship warm and loving. I admit there were times that I took her for granted, but I would normally realize it and correct it in myself.

 

I suppose what's so difficult for me right now is dealing with the hard reality that we aren't together. And really there's no commitment on either side to talk about our feelings for each other again. Yes, if she wants to talk about it, she'll contact me. And yes, I've let her know that I've left the door open for now. But what reality tells me is that I should be minimizing the hope that she'll come back, and finding a happy life with myself. As I've said already, this doesn't mean I need to give up loving her. Perhaps I need to find that bigger love that expects nothing in return.

[AB38]

Sorry it took so long to answer your question, do I want her back? Yes, part of me does. I want what we had 6 months ago. I don't want back the last 3 months. This kind of breakup has never happened to me before, so I am not sure exactly what I am feeling. I know I miss her. But I have to let her go, she is just way too young and it would be unfair to her. God I miss her.