limited time frame for children

[fallforward]

Well where to begin...I am 23 and due to some medical issues my time frame for having biological children has been reduced to a matter of years. Both my mother and my grandmother went through the same problems, eventually ending in a hysterectomy. However, they didn't develop these issues until about age 30 so they had plenty of time to prepare & have children.

 

I have a loving and devoted boyfriend whom I've been dating for four years. I don't forsee any problems with having a child with him. He is actually very supportive and understanding of my time frame and i know he would make an excellent father.

 

I guess the catch is I really don't have my career at the point I'd like it to be "ready" to have children...being as I am only 23 I am in an entry level design job. Also, due to my boyfriend being in the Army & deployed, it would severely narrow my time to get pregnant down to maybe a matter of months...which would be coming up very soon...

 

Although I've always wanted to have my own children... I feel so unprepared and rushed by the situation

 

I know that I will need to get pregnant soon to be able to have them...but would that be a terrible idea?

What do you think?

[wolfwithin]

I am a guy so maybe I am not the best one to answer this but if you don't feel ready then don't do it. I understand the need to want your own children but maybe it would be better to adopt if you aren't ready in your limited time frame. Nothing is worse then trying to rush something if you are not ready for it. If it is a mental thing then that can lead to problems later down the road, if it is a financial thing then it can lead to a downward spiral that is hard to get out of later. I would say wait or try to freeze some eggs for later if you can afford to do that. Then you can have a biological child after your time has passed and when you are truly ready for it.

[abitbroken]

It depends on what your priorities are and what you really want in life. I do suggest that you don't rush your relationship just to have children. If you are seriously talking about marriage, the issue of children could speed things along. But I wouldn't have a baby with this boyfriend just because you "don't have time" without any sort of commitment because you don't want to just pop out a kid - you would most likely want to have a family. Remember - medicine has come along way since your mom and grandma had their babies. They didn't have imaging and ultrasounds like they do now too. They could have also "caught it early" rather than you developing it sooner because of the advances in medicine too. I have never heard of anyone who had to get pregnant within the time window of several months or forget it. Remember - there is also adoption so you can still be a mom even if you physically cannot.

[fallforward]

First I appreciate the input. It's very difficult to talk about it to anyone else other than my boyfriend.

And no the window is not just several months, but due to the life my boyfriend lives with being deployed, it could possibly turn it into a matter of months. I've had problems my whole life with severe endometriosis, and now HPV, which my body apparently can't get rid of on it's own. Most likely, it's the same kind of HPV my mother & grandmother had which is the kind that causes cervical cancer. Idk the exact description...i think 18 or 16. Results should be back very soon, but it has really started me thinking about things. Within the time line of being diagnosed, both my mother and grandmother had a hysterectomy within 3 years.

 

My boyfriend & I plan to get married, and have talked about it prior to all this happening. Months ago In fact, we were talking about getting prepared for marriage and moving in and all that those things entail.

 

I know that I can adopt, or freeze my eggs...but the truth is I want to go through the pregnancy. To grow a life, and to give birth. I think mainly it comes down to I am scared that I would not be as good of a mother as I could be with more money, more planning....etc.

 

It's something I have always always always wanted to do...but i just pictured it being later if you know what i mean? idk if i'm making sense or just sounding repetitive...

[wolfwithin]

Well wait for the test results before you decide anything. And money and planning will never make a good mother. A good mother does the best with what she has no matter what that is. I hope you have more time than what you think but if you must and I mean must go through the pregnancy yourself then I guess you know what your answer will be once you know for sure what your window will be. Make sure before you do anything talk with your doctor first and see if it is safe.

[turnera]

I got 3 months off work when I had my child at 31. Then back to full time work. She spent time with a neighbor, then a Montessori school, then a work-based preschool, until she went to Kindergarten. She never suffered from it; in fact, I believe that children who don't go to preschool often suffer from lack of advancement compared to all the kids who have. They have better immune systems, social skills, and often are further along in reading etc. skills.

 

It's not for everyone, but if you think you can't handle it timewise, preschools are pretty good these days.

[Batya33]

Well wait for the test results before you decide anything. And money and planning will never make a good mother. A good mother does the best with what she has no matter what that is. I hope you have more time than what you think but if you must and I mean must go through the pregnancy yourself then I guess you know what your answer will be once you know for sure what your window will be. Make sure before you do anything talk with your doctor first and see if it is safe.

 

I think money and planning go a loooong way to helping a person be a better parent - certainly did for us. There are so many ways money helps make it easier - things you'd never think of like being able to afford a better, lighter stroller so you are more mobile with the baby, buying more clothes so you're not constantly doing laundry, hiring a cleaning person when you're too exhausted to clean your home, splurging on more expensive ready to feed bottle or food when you need the time for other things, and the list goes on. And planning - very helpful, from parenting classes/birthing classes to reading up on baby and child development, making lists of what you need in advance. So much of it cannot be planned and is wildly unpredictable so what you can plan, you should in my humble opinion as the mom of a toddler.

 

As far as your specific situation, time to make a serious pro/con list -- I know my decision would have been to have the baby -- and you do have time to make some financial decisions and planning decisions (and of course wait for the test results) - I did my career first but if I had had the right situation in place (stable marriage) earlier, I would have had a child earlier than I did.

 

Also decide if you are comfortable and ok with having others take care of your infant/baby rather than being the primary caregiver. I wasn't but that's just me - the experence I've had over the last year and some caring for my child has been the best experence of my life by far and the baby seems to be thriving from the care and attention. Of course, it's not for everyone and people have different opinions, but just something to think about.

[wolfwithin]

I didn't say it wouldn't make it easier. She said she would be a better mother. Easy is not always better. After all look at how many of the rich kids grow up with everything and turn out horrible people because it was so easy for them in life they are not prepared for the real world when they are throw in it. Would it be easier for her if she had a baby in a couple of years, yes. But would she be a better mother because she had the right stroller, no. My mom had to use hand me down everything for me and my sister. Was it by any means easy no but I think she turned out to be a great mom with out all the other things.

[Batya33]

I didn't say it wouldn't make it easier. She said she would be a better mother. Easy is not always better. After all look at how many of the rich kids grow up with everything and turn out horrible people because it was so easy for them in life they are not prepared for the real world when they are throw in it. Would it be easier for her if she had a baby in a couple of years, yes. But would she be a better mother because she had the right stroller, no. My mom had to use hand me down everything for me and my sister. Was it by any means easy no but I think she turned out to be a great mom with out all the other things.

 

Our planning and financial stability make us better parents because we can focus even more on what is important to the care and development of our child, and we reduce the stress that financial issues can bring. Parents with financial instability and no planning can be excellent parents of course but I think it makes it far tougher to achieve.

 

I never wrote that being rich makes one a better parent-- but money helps good parents be even better if they spend the money in ways that allow them more time to parent the child.

 

And yes, a safer stroller, a safer crib, a safer and more spacious home environment, - which often requires money to achieve - can help parents be even better parents because there is less worry over safety, development and the comfort of the child,. Often the better made items are more expensive and new items are often safer so those parents that do not have to use very old/used strollers and cribs are often better off. I am sure your mother did the best that she could - I know many mothers in those situations, I am just writing about "better" in relative terms and if there is a choice, I think financial stability and time to plan before the child is born is a great start. I also think there is now more information on the safety of things like used strollers and cribs - whether or not that information is accurate it often impacts parentng choices, as it did in our case.

 

I don't think money can make one a good parent - my point is that it helps good parents be even better parents depending on how they spend the money. I hope that clarifies that I wasn't talking about wealth or giving the child fancy or luxury items.

[Seraphim]

I didn't say it wouldn't make it easier. She said she would be a better mother. Easy is not always better. After all look at how many of the rich kids grow up with everything and turn out horrible people because it was so easy for them in life they are not prepared for the real world when they are throw in it. Would it be easier for her if she had a baby in a couple of years, yes. But would she be a better mother because she had the right stroller, no. My mom had to use hand me down everything for me and my sister. Was it by any means easy no but I think she turned out to be a great mom with out all the other things.

 

Yes, you can still be a great mother and have nothing, I know my mother sure had diddly. She had nothing almost literally when with my dad. It was far easier though for her to be a good mom when she had more things that made HER life easier so she was calmer and had more time to spend with us. I think that is what Batya was trying to get accross.

[Batya33]

Yes, you can still be a great mother and have nothing, I know my mother sure had diddly. She had nothing almost literally when with my dad. It was far easier though for her to be a good mom when she had more things that made HER life easier so she was calmer and had more time to spend with us. I think that is what Batya was trying to get accross.

 

Yes, thanks. I thought about it more and. sure, used baby stuff that is still in sturdy condition is more than fine and makes good financial sense for everyone, even "rich" people. My point was more about what Victoria wrote. Thanks for posting - you both raised important and insightful issues about "good" parenting.

[Seraphim]

Yes, thanks. I thought about it more and. sure, used baby stuff that is still in sturdy condition is more than fine and makes good financial sense for everyone, even "rich" people. My point was more about what Victoria wrote. Thanks for posting - you both raised important and insightful issues about "good" parenting.

 

Yes, my mother was a really good mom with nothing but she had the abilities to be an even better one when she had more support.I think that can be said of all mothers.