Being Too Nice = Pushover?

[Just Me85]

Just wondering, if someone is just themselves and is "nice" and completely awesome and naturally agreeable. Do people find this dull?

 

I forever feel like it's just in my nature to care about people, to want to love and be loved in return. I am ALWAYS there for my friends and family, yet if I ever need them for anything its funny how their phones will just go to voicemail or ring and ring.

 

I feel like maybe I put up with too much, but at the same time I like being nice to people. Im only ever being myself, none of it is under false pretences.

 

I'm thinking how this could apply to relationships. I am passionate, caring, understanding, fun to be around, not exactly ugly lol..I'm not meaning to sound big headed but the way I see it I am completely worthy of appreciation. I do feel like guys (especially) take this for granted in me.

 

I'm always the fallback girl, the best friend, the one they will marry in a game of Snog, Marry, Avoid. Yet they always opt for the danger girls, the ones who shallow, pick fights, have nothing much in common with them, don't want to commit to a man, the girls who cheat on them and lie to them.

 

For some reason they fall in love with these girls in such a passionate way. Take the guy I like for example, we are best friends. He always says things like how he thinks Im amazing and beautiful, yet the real passion he has had for women in the past are the ones who werent right for him and treated him badly. Its like he finds it harder to let go of these kind of women.

 

Im not exactly boring. I can be exciting! I always seem to attract men who are manipulative and scared of commitment. Though most of the time I feel like this is an excuse.

 

It feels like guys are only interested in me because Im the safe bet. Like my best friend, its like he knows I'll never mess him around and I'll always be there for him. It makes me boring. As soon as some hot exciting new prospect appears in his life Im pretty sure I could be phased out, yet he would never admit it. I dont want to play games, I cant be someone I'm not.

 

But I feel like a pushover. On the rare occasions I stand my ground or get annoyed about things, people either retreat from me or they are really shocked and they really don't take kindly to it.

 

How do I make myself more exciting? Im tired of being the girl next door, I want to be the kind of girl that can attract the kind of guy who will move mountains for her and be passionate. Is it wrong to wish for so much?

[Ammy]

If you see my post from yesterday, similar scenario. I have the same problem. Apparently, my friend says I'm not being me but always accomodating to others, because if I were being me, I would assert my needs more. She is right. I am a nice person, but I am also not an assertive person - that is the part that I think turns people off. If you don't assert your needs, people take you for granted and if you don't assert your needs it says that you don't value yourself/your needs and don't hold yourself in high esteem, and this encourages others to feel the same about you.

 

Ammy

[yeawutever]

Nope... being a show-off or acting like a rebel is a turn-off to me. How about applying the Golden Rule? I don't see nothing wrong with that unless the person is a complete idiot who likes horrible treatment (a masochist).

[Just Me85]

What is this golden rule you speak of? I just really feel like I'm missing some kind of vital ingredient.

 

Ammy, I do agree with you in some ways. Perhaps I'm not all that assertive. It's just when I have tried to be assertive and driven in the past it just usually leads to disappointment I guess. I feel pretty pathetic that in the case with my best male friend, who I am admittedly rather infatuated with, I'm so scared of losing the label of being something special in his life that its almost as though I'm willing to settle for being the fallback girl because it means I still get to spend that quality time with him. Awful and pathetic I know! I just can't seem to cut the cord. However much people say we cant be friends because of how I feel about him, I just get angry because I feel like I deserve his friendship.

 

I feel like why should I have to suffer just because I dont get my own way. It's a bit of a vicious circle really.

[Tarkan]

If you see my post from yesterday, similar scenario. I have the same problem. Apparently, my friend says I'm not being me but always accomodating to others, because if I were being me, I would assert my needs more. She is right. I am a nice person, but I am also not an assertive person - that is the part that I think turns people off. If you don't assert your needs, people take you for granted and if you don't assert your needs it says that you don't value yourself/your needs and don't hold yourself in high esteem, and this encourages others to feel the same about you.

 

Ammy

 

This is the perfect description of what "nice" can be interpretted as. I find myself in the same position. But I look at it differently.

 

Let's make a reversed reasonment: Someone who doesn't addapt is someone that places his own needs before those of others. That person might be very confident and have a high self esteem. But the problem is that this person has a huge ego. The human ego is for me, the root of all evil in this world. In the end, putting your own needs before those of others will make you a less flexible person, unless the nice person who is very flexible.

 

Most people put their own needs before those of others. Why do you think Ammy that there is so much pain and grief in this world ? Why do you think that 2 out of 3 marriages end in the first year ? Why do most couples end up breaking ?

 

Because people don't want to adapt to eachother, because they have their own needs first. Me, me, me, always me ! The thing is, since the majority of people are like this, they make you feel like if it's YOU that isn't right. The majority always wins, democracy prevails.

 

The perfect relationship would be one consisted out of two "nice" people. Always listening to eachother needs, always trying to adapt for the best. Where each can put aside his ego, and be open for the other. Too often are people blinded by their expectations and own needs.

 

There is also a major difference between nice and doormat. A doormat would be the extreme of nice. Just like a jerk is the extreme of bad. But at least the doormat isn't a threat to society !

 

Nice is the way to go. Please, all promess that you won't change

[yeawutever]

What is this golden rule you speak of? I just really feel like I'm missing some kind of vital ingredient.

It's quite simple. The only requirement would be treating someone the way you want to be treated in return. If you're nice and they're crappy then the problem is not you but them.

[orchidrose]

It's quite simple. The only requirement would be treating someone the way you want to be treated in return. If you're nice and they're crappy then the problem is not you but them.

 

Bingo, and this is the classic line between good-nice and bad-nice. It's good to be flexible, accomodating, and agreeable. It's bad to do it regardless of whether or not the person you're dealing with is returning the favor.

[Just Me85]

Ah man...its hard to face up to it though when its looking likely that the person is just not that into you. Especially if you are really convinced that you had something special