This Time No Turning Back..My Place To Vent Until I am Over Him

[Mee-chelle]

Day 0

 

I messed up and I gave my ex his 1,000,000th chance. We didn't actually see each other once again (a month physically apart but not mentally or verbally). I made it through three days of break up misery and caved at the first site of an apology text. That was yesterday. I predicted that I would be in the same misery situation in less than a week from his text and well I was right. Why do I lack total inability to listen to my logical self 90% of the time?

 

We already fought last night, because he asked how many dates I went on since we stopped talking (pretty much the three days). I told him I was just hanging out with my first love a lot. He got mad called me a cheater and liar (I did nothing with my first love he already knew we were friends and he said this to me right after he is telling me how he did a job for a girl he used to sleep with), he hung up on me. Claimed to hate me, but kept texting until he reconciled the entire situation.

 

Today started out nice. It was like I had the guy I fell for back. We were supposed to see each other today, but then there was the call. He called after work. We exchanged no more than 8 sentences and out of no where he started yelling at me because of the way I breathe? According to him I have been sniffling since we met and it bothers him. He has sensitive ears and it is annoying. I picked up and I sniffled. He asked me to stop? Compared my sniffling as being as annoying as someone who clicks their throat every two seconds. I couldn't believe it, was he serious? Geeze...maybe I should have just stopped breathing all together. My ex has said some stupid things to me in the past but this was mother of all things. He has a problem with one of my biological functions that I need to survive.

 

It was at this moment that many things became completley and utterly apparent to me.

1. He must have some serious psychological flaw to just burst out in the middle of what would have been a nice conversation to scream at me for the way I breathe.

2.He is verbally and mentally abusive. He is toxic.

3. Instead of finding reasons why he likes me, he is always pointing out everything he hates about me and it becomes his main focus, and he uses it to start arguments.

4. All of this time I thought we both had an issue with arguing but over the past two days I realized it is all him. I put in so much effort to be keep civil, more than should be needed. I already somehow managed to dodge three other would be arguments in only two days, only by ignoring the things he said, or by being agreeable when I otherwise wouldn't have been.

5. I am down right stupid. I am ashamed of myself for even associating with a person like this.

6. He is entirely useless. He doesn't do any good for me. He certainty makes me feel bad more than he does good, and everything is usually about him.

7. He doesn't like me or respect me. I should be able to be myself around the person I am with. They should like me the way I am including the way I breathe.

 

I told him to leave me alone forever and I meant it. I told him he wasn't going to suck me in again no matter what he said. I told him he should be ashamed of himself, and not to bother me. At least this time around I feel that the break up is clear and obvious, and it was my choice.

 

He texted me a whole bunch of times late tonight. I didn't answer. He tried to say he was sorry for yelling at me he was just mad because he wasn't feeling well. Sorry excuse.

 

I still didn't answer.

 

Then he tried to tell me he yelled at me for the way I breathe because he was looking out for my health. Again are you freaking serious?

 

I didn't respond, and I will not respond ever again.

 

I needed to write this all down as it just happened. I know for some weird demented reason i'm going to feel bad about this when I absolutely, positively should not. I need to erase this person from my life. By being able to read what happened tonight, I should laugh at him tomorrow, but at the very least it should remind me not to respond.

[Mee-chelle]

Day 1

 

Woke up feeling bad as I predicted. I even caught myself rationalizing the entire situation, he apologized I thought, but I kept pushing it and didn't accept the apology I thought. Then of course I had to be strong and make myself understand that an apology is worthless if nothing is fixed by it. My relationship is not healthy. It is a constant state of feeling bad and good. I don't like feeling bad. I feel bad right now. I feel anxious, and my stomach hurts.

 

I am an ex-smoker. Sometimes smoking made me feel sick, but I kept doing it anyway. I knew it was bad, but I would always rationalize the next one. I would keep doing it even when I felt entirely ill. I would add to the pain just because I needed my fix. I was addicted to smoking. I am addicted to him.

 

What is wrong with me? Why do I feel the need to keep subjecting myself to these types of pain?

[Rotxsen]

Heh, teach him a lesson humans only truly change in the face of danger or losing something dear or lost.

[Mee-chelle]

Day 0

 

Well we bumped into each other today. (arrrgh) Somehow the bump into became two hours, he sat at my table. I knew I had to tell him to go away, but I had not seen him in so long, and well I missed him. I let him sit. Anyhow bump into ended badly. I don't want to write exactly what happened but he made me feel like he had no feelings for me, and left me feeling used once again. How many times do I have to learn my lesson.?

 

I want to bury my head in the sand and cry. Except I can't cry still.

 

Why won't he just stay away from me? No bump intos, not texts, he tourments me.

 

I am going to a networking mixer party in about an hour, so at least I might be able to get past tonight feeling ok. I don't want to start day 1 again for a third time tomorrow.

[AutumnBorn]

He acted like he didn't care for you because he knew he was wrong and felt shame for behaving as he did, I think. But you're right. He's got psychological issues that have nothing to do with you. That outburst was outrageous.

 

You deserve more and better than you've received from him. If you bump into him again, leave immediately. He is toxic.

[Mee-chelle]

He acted like he didn't care for you because he knew he was wrong and felt shame for behaving as he did, I think. But you're right. He's got psychological issues that have nothing to do with you. That outburst was outrageous.

 

You deserve more and better than you've received from him. If you bump into him again, leave immediately. He is toxic.

 

Your right, he keeps pushing everything on me. Tells me he doesn't want to hurt me. Tells me I'm the one with all the feelings. He even goes back and fourth to just wanting to have fun, to not wanting me around anyone else. I think he wants to do what he wants, but I can't do anything. He claims i'm the only one but I don't believe him.

 

He does have strange out bursts.

 

I know I need to stay away from him. Every single time I talk to him or see him I go against the advice of everyone that cares about me. I had three of my closest friends tell me if I talk to him again they won't talk to me anymore. So I actually have been keeping everything that has been going on in.

 

I hate this situation that I am in and I hate that it is with this person. Of all people why attached to him?

[Mee-chelle]

Day 1 (3rd Time)

 

I am counting this as day one, even though he sent me a late night 1AM text saying how "he enjoyed the last kiss we had, he really loved it, he really did" (bump into incident, don't know, don't ask). I was out at my networking party drinking and responded "well a good memory for you then". Not supposed to talk to him, but I am not counting that, and pulling the alcohol card on it. He didn't text back.

 

My friend changed his name in my phone to do not talk to or (friend) will not talk to you again.

 

I feel bothered today. I woke up a little anxious, but I feel OK overall. I think each time I decide to not talk to him it feels slightly easier. Maybe this just needs to be like my multiple attempts at quitting smoking before it stuck. Plus everyone I know is pretty much rooting for me to completely erase this guy from my life.

 

I am going to keep myself busy today. I am going out with friend later this evening to the city for a late lunch/early dinner and then we are playing wii into the night.

 

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3:40

 

Feeling a little worse now. Anxious, heart beating fast feeling. Reality setting in, but not really because I don't think he is really gone forever yet. Maybe that makes it harder not to talk. I tried to nap, but couldn't. Feeling tired.

 

I think the friend I was supposed to go out with later is going to ditch me. They called this morning with no definite time. Have not heard back since. Situation not helping. I don't want to be in the house because then I think about him.

 

------------------------

5:22

 

Going to the city after all.

 

I tried to nap again but couldn't. Sleep deprived. Why does he have to suck so bad? I miss him

[Mee-chelle]

Day 2

 

I would have woken up sleep deprived once again if he had not texted me "morning". I did not respond, but that helped me fall back asleep. I woke up again two hours later and he texted an again an hour from his first text. This time it was a dirty picture of himself. The second text pretty much negated to nice gesture of the first.

 

I can't stop asking why he is doing this to me. I guess now would be an ok time to say a little something about how the end of the bump into conversation ended on Saturday because it seems related to the picture. He said he no longer wanted to be in a relationship, he just wanted to have fun, he didn't want to hurt me, I am a good girl. It sounded like he was breaking up with me, even though I had already broken up with him, he bumped into me. Then to top it off he just wanted me to give him pleasure (nothing for me though). I said I wouldn't, he said then he won't see me, then took it back as a joke. I didn't even ask to see him first of all. But the whole thing made me feel used, and unwanted. I only bring this up because of the picture he sent me this morning. Is it a sick joke? A desperate attempt to get my attention and a response? Or does he think I am just going to drive on over there?

 

I can't say I don't feel hurt, don't want to respond, or that I even hate him still after this. I must hate myself. I don't feel like I hate myself, but it is the only explanation for my having feelings for a person like this.

 

I don't feel panicky, or depressed right now probably because of what has happened, but I feel uncomfortable and I don't care for this feeling eaither.

 

I don't have much planned for today. Doctor, & Gym. Hopefully I don't break down.

[Mee-chelle]

Day 2 Strange Turn

 

Well I was forced to talk to my ex today. I think for reasons too personal to put down here, but he always find a way to drag me back into talking to him. There was no way around the conversation. This time I actually didn't even make an excuse for it. It was a conversation that needed to be had. It looks like I am going to have to talk to him again at least one more time by before the end of this week. However, I am going to continue on NC and not talk to him for any other reason.

 

On another note I have been hanging out with my first love a lot over the past two weeks of this break up. My first love had a live in girl friend of 4 1/2 years. I always stayed in touch with my first love, he still always told me I was the only girl he would ever marry even while living with his gf. I broke up with him 7 years ago. We managed to remain friends for 6 years since.

 

I guess our friendship was a little selfish on my part because I have always known that he still feels for me. Plus he always tells me he does. I don't see him often (once or twice a year), but I tend to latch onto him whenever I am going through a break up because I know I was able to get over him. Over the years my first love tried to make moves on me a few times (not every time), and I always shot him down.

 

Two weeks ago he moved in for a kiss, and I let him. I felt bad, a lot of guilt, because he was with his girlfriend. I am pretty sure I don't want my first love back, and when we kissed there was no spark at all. I told him it was a mistake, and I cried. I told him he was taking advantage of my vulnerability. However, since the kiss he has been calling me a lot more.

 

Today he called me to tell me he broke up with his girlfriend. Now I am feeling concerned. I hope the kiss didn't have anything to do with it. They seemed otherwise happy. Now I am waiting for him to call me back and tell me the story.

[Mee-chelle]

Day 3

 

I handled today suprisingly well because I was busy all day. I had a few boughts of sadness but I managed to keep my mind off of it. I am feeling the most sadness I have felt all day right now. Even then it is not as bad as it was last week. I am coming to terms with the fact that my ex dosen't care for me in the same way I cared for him.

 

I hope today wasn't just an "up" day, because I really am tired of being completely miserable all the time. Hopefully tomorrow I will be able to keep him out of my head just the same. Although it looks like I might be stuck with nothing to do all day

[Mee-chelle]

Day 4

 

Well I do not feel sad today. I feel hate. Today was the day I had to talk to my ex due to an inescapable circumstance. The one day before the end of the week that I said I would have to be in contact with him, and the VERY LAST DAY.

 

Today I was reminded yet again of how immature he is. I had to endure his name calling: * * * * * , * * * * . and worse. For seemingly no apparent reason as everything he was yelling at me for is HIS fault. I am not just saying that. And the more involved I became in the situation that I had to handle today, the more apparent it became that it was just his fault, and then the nastier he became. He even went as far as telling me my mother should have burned me to death.

 

Still worse every other sentence out of his mouth also included this girl's name. The girl he did god knows what with when we were broken up for three days last month. The girl that made me call him a cheater. He went from insisting he did nothing (which I never believed) to a somewhat graphic re-telling of the events. He went back and fourth from taking these events back and then claiming them to be true. I will just assume they are true. They might even be sitting together right now because he said she said something about a paper i sent over.

 

Yet he keeps chasing me. He has texted me every day. It is like he has two sides. This evil teenage stoop to any level to win and argument side, and this I really am sorry and i'm a nice guy side. They both come out every day. I never answered any of the texts he sent. I only communicated with him today because I had to.

 

He is calling as we speak and I'm not picking up right now. I like how soothing my ring tone is. I need it.

 

Right now I don't feel sad, I don't feel anything but hate. Maybe I can just ride the hate out because I like this feeling better than being sad over such a bad person.

 

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Update 6:08

 

Him and the other girl plan to sue me?

LOL

 

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Update 6:39

 

Him and the other girl are still stuck on sueing me for something they can't even sue me for. I am 28 years old I should not be in such a stupid situation as this. Why won't they he leave me alone? I never ran accross such a bad liar in my life. He changes his story every 30 seconds and screams at me on my voice mail.

[Mee-chelle]

Day 5

 

I am not as much of a mess as I was when I first started writing about my ex over a week ago. I woke up today and did the usual routing. Checked my phone. He didn't contact this morning like he has been everyday recently. I didn't expect him to after yesterday, and I was actually ok with it. I was happy he didn't in a way.

 

Now I am not saying I am all happy happy joy joy now. I feel bothered. I still feel anger after what has recently happened. I feel betrayed, and I miss this fantasy I had of him, which I have now come to realize was entirely false.

 

I still don't feel good both physically and emotionally. However, I am not in any danger of contacting him. Today I KNOW that I will heal from this.

 

I will keep myself busy today. I am going to the gym and then I will go to the city. My friend is making me go speed dating with them. While I don't expect to meet anyone during the speed dating (way too soon), I am at least hoping it will be fun.

[Mee-chelle]

Day 6

 

I didn't spend all day yesterday thinking about my ex. It was kind of uncomfortable because I felt like I should be, but at the same time I was relieved that I didn't. He was also not all I thought about when I went to bed last night. He did pop into my head from time to time, but it was not in a obsessive manner like last week. Maybe part of what kept him out of my head yesterday was that I managed to keep busy all day. I went speed dating (I will be on the dateline special on Monday by the way), and then to a Birthday party. I got home at 3AM.

 

I wonder if this helped because I am thinking about my ex more today. It is still not in the obsessive manner of last week. I feel that I can function and do the things that I need to do. After what happened on Weds I am still full of hate for him.

 

I woke up several times this morning and looked at my phone. He didn't contact. I didn't really expect him to after everything he said to me on Weds. I think a part of me wants him to contact though. Not so I can run back to him like the last time. Because I won't. I just feel like I want a sincere apology for what happened. I don't expect to get it, but it is what I want. I know he apologized to me last week, and I ran back to him, but that wasn't as major as the situation is now. Plus now I am starting to think that last week's apology was a selfishly intended one.

 

The other reason I keep thinking about my ex today, is because I was on a major winning streak yesterday. I have a lot of free time so I have developed an online sweepstakes addiction. I waste hours entering them almost everyday. Yesterday I won a flip mini HD camcorder, and an all expense paid trip to Montana. I never won a trip. My ex always used to say "When you win a trip your going to take me right?", and I would say "of course". Now I finally won a trip, and I will not be taking him. As much as I hate him, this is very depressing for me.

 

 

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2:22PM

 

I hate having nothing to do. I think too much. I am still thinking about him. More hateful thoughts than anything. He just texted me. He didn't text to say sorry, didn't really text for anything. He just texted to say that he was misdiagnosed. Might or might not be true. I don't know or care really. At least he is not being nasty. He must be in an up mood. I am not answering the text.

 

I wish I had something to do, because I don't want to think about him anymore. My head hurts.

[Mee-chelle]

Day 7

 

Last night I stayed in. I chatted with some of my friends on MSN, and even had a two hour phone conversation with this guy I recently met. I felt good. I felt like I didn't care about my ex, and I was happy he was gone. I felt like everyone else around me was one million times better than him in every way. It made me feel like I didn't miss him at all.

 

But this morning I can't stop thinking about him. The day didn't start like this. I took too much melatonin and I had a hard time getting up. I woke up four times before I got out of bed. Each time I woke up I did check my phone, but I only really started to think about my ex the last two times I woke up. I got stuck in an ex mind-loop the last time I woke up, which eventually made me abandon the entire idea of trying to go back to sleep all together. It was almost 12 anyway.

 

Don't get me wrong. I still hate him. Every now and then a nice memory of him pops into my head, but I can't forget Wednesday. I want him to apologize. I kept looking at my phone because I was hoping he had apologized. I became obsessed with wanting an apology. I laid in bed and even tried to send him a mental message to apologize to me. It didn't work of course. Then I started counting how many days it has been since I talked to him last. Wednesday. That makes three days today. Tomorrow will be the longest I have ever went without talking to him.

 

I don't want to admit it, but I do miss him a little. How can I miss him? Why do I miss him? I want him to apologize more than anything. It has only been three days. It is not too late for him to not apologize. I will not take him back, but I feel he owes me an apology. It will make me feel better knowing he is not entirely cold harted.

 

I already checked his facebook today. No new activity. He hasn't written anything since Tuesday. He seems to only write when we are not, not talking latley. Then again, I am probably making more of the facebook situation than there is. There I go being a female again. He is probably just too busy, or with another girl.

 

I posted a picture of speed dating on my facebook wall. I hope he decides to look at my page even though I deleted him. I hope he sees it. I don't want him to think I am sad.

 

I have no real plans for today other than the gym. I think I am going to find something to do today. I didn't really put in any effort to get out of the house yesterday, but I can't stay in today. I don't feel good.

 

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1:20

 

He apologized for calling me bad names but nothing else. That's nice. Then he went on to say I had a frustraighting personality even ask his friend that I met once. My fault again. Nice apology ex.

 

I didn't respond.

 

This didn't make me feel better.

 

 

-------------------

3:17

 

I talked to him.

 

*bangs head against wall*

[Mee-chelle]

Break Up Day 9/ NC Day 0

 

(I finally cried, and cried, and cried and cried.)

 

Today was a very very bad day. Very very bad. When I think, ok this is the worst thing he can do, he always seems to outdo himself.

 

---------

First a little off the subject of my ex:

 

Today started off bad. My father was sick. I have a very bad relationship with my father. That is not the topic of this post so I won't go into it.

 

Anyhow my father was very sick today. I should have cared. I wanted to care. I knew the right thing to do was care, but I didn't. I found his illness to be annoying, and irritating. He bothered me about his illness all morning. Finally he decided that he needed to go to the hospital. I only drove him because I knew it was the right thing to do. Honestly I dreaded having to be in an enclosed space with him for more than five seconds. I drove him. I drove as fast as I possibly could. Not out of concern, but out of this internal desire to get him out of my car as quickly as possible.

 

I got pulled over because I was driving so fast. It was the first time I had a legitimate excuse for speeding. "My father can't breathe", I told the officer. I faked compassion. I was shaking. Not because I was worried that he couldn't breathe, but because my father was irritating, and he was sitting so close to me it made me anxious. The officer let me go.

 

I made it to the hospital ER. My father got out of the car. He told me I didn't have to stay. I didn't. I just left my dad there. I didn't even walk in. I felt like an awful person. I knew the right thing to do was to sit in the ER and make sure he was ok, but I can't explain it. I can't explain the feeling I had that wouldn't let me do it. I felt bad. Not because I didn't care about my dad, but because I felt like a bad person.

 

I made it back home and I just started to cry. I cried because I felt like a bad person, and I felt like I could no longer tolerate all that has been going on my in my life the past couple of weeks. I am past the threshold of being able to deal.

 

-----------

Now back to the ex

 

After what happened with my father this morning I was feeling more vulnerable than ever. More miserable than I can describe. I couldn't deal. I wanted comfort. Why did I think I could get it from him? After all that we had been through this week.

 

I called anyway. No answer. I texted. I told him something happened and I really needed someone to talk to. He didn't respond. He didn't care. An hour after no response I told my ex to forget it I got comfort elsewhere.

 

My ex called later. He made up a lie about why he didn't call earlier. He fell asleep at 5 he said. I said I texted at 4:23. Then he fell asleep at 3 he said. 3/5 whats the difference. Too bad he used the sleep excuse so much in the past, and well he is also just a bad liar.

 

He didn't make me feel better about my feeling like a bad person for leaving my dad. Why did I think he would? He never made me feel better about anything only worse. Then he started telling me about how he woke up in bed with four girls today. He drank too much last night. He told me he had been messing around with girls all last month before we broke up. Why would he tell me that? Then again why did he tell me about the one girl on weds? He is so anxious to admit to his ways. Usually most people deny it.

 

I called for comfort. Why would he tell me that? Why did I call him?

 

I asked him why he changed. He said he really did like me, but he didn't want to like anyone so he stopped himself. What the hell was that? He is afraid of a broken heart so he hurts everyone else. He also hates women I am sure of it.

 

Oddly he did answer one of the original questions I asked when I first started posting. How could he tell me he loves me for the first time and then two days later be distant and cold. That is why.

 

How many people did he cheat on me with?

 

I deleted him from everything. I deleted my call history, his contact info, all of his texts, and every voice mail he ever sent. I took a black marker and crossed over any place I had his number written down. I can't contact him now. I don't want to. Why did I today?

 

 

I told him if he cares for me at all. If there is one part of him that is not an awful person he will not contact me again. I told him I was going to erase him from everything. I asked why he kept trying to make things right when he was cheating the whole time. He didn't really give a good answer. He said I was the only person he responds to. Was that supposed to make me feel better? It was also a lie. I would bet anything on it being a lie.

 

I cried and cried tonight. I cried thinking about him with other girls, even the one he made out with last night. I cried because he hurt me. I cried because I felt like he intentionally hurt me. I cried for feeling like a bad person with my dad. It was one of those cries that sounds like a scream. One of those cries in the car where you don't realize your actually driving 80. I finally broke down.

 

I am happy my ex never heard or saw me cry over him. He really doesn't deserve it.

 

I started writing this post at 3AM...now it is 5:24AM. My first love called we talked for a couple hours. He made me feel better. I feel better now. For now.

[Mee-chelle]

Breakup Day 9/NC Day 0

 

Even though my last post was for break up day 9 I felt like it was really for day 8. I talked about day 8, but it was 5AM when I posted so I guess it was really day 9.

 

Now I want to write about how I am really feeling on day 9.

 

Today is still NC day 0. I wrote in my post last night: "I told him if he cares for me at all. If there is one part of him that is not an awful person he will not contact me again."

 

He contacted me again. Sick joke on the not caring? I slept all morning. I woke up at almost 12. I looked at my phone. He texted me "Good Morning cheater, lol".

 

This is why he thinks I am a cheater:

 

I ran away to my friends house yesterday when I was upset. My friend is a guy. My ex knew I was there when we talked yesterday.

 

It shouldn't matter what my ex thinks. I don't know why I responded this morning. I think it was because I was upset that he contacted me. It was hard from me to erase him from everywhere. It was a huge step, and here I was looking at his number once again.

 

I didn't even hesitate to respond. I don't know why.

 

I told him he was the cheater (obvious and yet pointless to tell him that). I told him he must be miserable for being able to cheat all that he did. I told him he was selfish.

 

Yesterday he told me he liked me, but he didn't want to have feeling for a girl so he just stopped himself. I reminded him that he said that.

 

I told him he was selfish for it. I told him he was scared to hurt himself. I told him I I really erased him from everything. I told him to stop being selfish and let me forget him.

-----------------

 

He is responding to me now....

 

he said...."

 

LOL...

 

Scared to hurt myself? If I think a girl is worth it I go for it. I'm not scared of feelings at all. I just didn't want to hurt yours. When I find a girl that is right I will give it my all. (and then something about my friend I was with last night didn't make sense). So then I lied about kissing a girl to get you over me. Get used to it.

 

You were pretty easy for not being easy. it's true just not that into you. not my look. so loose my number"

 

 

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Why won't he stop

[Mee-chelle]

Day 9 Cont:

 

 

 

I wasted hours fighting with him today. Don't know why. We fought text from 12- 5PM. A lot of nasty things were said on both sides. Threats were made. Even more girls were brought into the picture.

 

I don't know why I couldn't stop fighting. I hate him more. His story kept changing. I lied about things I did trying to make him feel bad. Just fought and fought for hours. On text though. I stooped to his level I lost all control. I called him names too I couldn't take it anymore. I think now we hate each other so much hopefully it is done. I want it to be done. Sometimes I say I don't, but I really really want it to be done.

 

He told me I was used. Told me he has a new girlfriend. He told me he was only with me to prove that he could be because when I met I said we were too different and we should only be friends. He told me I was easy, but before he told me I made him wait longer than any other girl. I know i'm not easy. He told me his new girl made him wait longer and that made me a "w". He told me to f off, he told me to stop texting him, he told me he would get a restraining order, but he just kept on texting. I am not innocent I kept texting back. I wish I didn't. I couldn't stop. Both of us wanted to have the last word.

 

I don't know what is what. He told me his new girlfriend was there at 3, but he fought with me for another two hours. I don't believe there is a new girlfriend, and if there was I would feel bad for her. I don't believe him. He lied and said he took pictures of me when we were intimate and i didn't know and he was going to post them. He changed his story because originally he told me where, and I called his bluff. Especially when there was there nothing there. Why does this guy lie every 5 mins? He can't even hang onto the same lie. Like he changes his mind and makes up something entirley new and then makes a reason for it. He always does that. I lied to try to make him feel bad, but at least I am able to stick with what I said. I am not sure it made him feel bad anyway.

 

He told me he never cared or liked me. He told me he is an actor. He told me he did it just because he could. He was proud of himself. He told me he got into my head and he is happy he is laughing.

 

Worst thing he told me today was that he was with girls and then with me before he even took a shower. I hope that was a lie. I feel disgusted.

 

I don't know what is true and what is not. I think some things are ture, and some are not. His stories always have so many holes in them. I always tell him he is lying I even point out when he is, then he proudly proclaims later that he lied to me and I had no idea. He is such a good liar he says. He is proud of his ability to act and lie. I don't think he is a good liar. He is a confusing liar.

 

Anyhow all he could do was keep calling me a "W". Called me fat, called me ugly, he called me a whole lot of things. A lot of low blows. I should have ignored him. I should have not responded. I should have at least stopped fighting after the first 5 mins, 10 mins, even the first hour. Fighting with him is like a drug. I couldn't stop.

 

 

 

I gave him control. I let him have control. I always seem to give it to him. I hate myself for it. Fighting with him makes him feel good. It has to, because he does it so much. The way to have power over someone like this is to not entertain them with a fight. Just ignore them. I didn't do that AGAIN. I gave him control AGAIN.

 

Why couldn't he just let me erase him last night. Why did he text me this morning?

 

I feel miserable. It is 5Pm and I have not eaten anything. I spent the whole day fighting.

 

I don't want to hear he doesn't or didn't care. I know he wants to make me feel bad. He asked if I was crying yet several times. Someone who doesn't care couldn't and wouldn't fight that long. I know I fought that long because regardless of how much he sucks my heart is still broken.

 

 

I refuse to believe that he didn't or doesn't feel bad or that i was just used that whole time, because he is the one that always contacts me again.

 

This was the longest and worst fight we have had yet. I think this time we will both hate each other enough.

 

I finally let him have the last word. I ended on a lie and told him this guy was here. I used his own stuff against him. I tried to anyway. I told him he finished parking and I am going now. I told him my guy wasn't a fantasy one like the girls he told me about. I lied some more and told him that was the guy he heard in the background on the phone yesterday. He went to my facebook and called him ugly. I said maybe he not the most attractive guy in the bunch is but he is nice and treats me well. Your no 10 yourself the way you are on he inside makes you very ugly on the outside. I am ashamed of stooping to his level. I just couldn't take it anymore so I did it. I stooped. I am 28 years old and I acted like a teenager for almost five hours.

 

Finally I let him have the last word. I told him my guy was here and I stopped responding.

 

438 texts later and almost five hours fighting these were his last words: (I want to remember)

 

"U weren't worth my time. Why work on my appearance with an ugly girl. Byee"

 

---------------

I think from now on everyday I am going to list something I don't like about my ex here. I think it will help. It will remind me every day.

 

Today I am going to remember that I hate my ex because he is a cheater.

[Mee-chelle]

Day 10/ NC Day 1

 

I seem to sleep later and later every day. I woke up at 1PM today. I woke up earlier twice, but then I just went back to bed. I had a lot of dreams, none of which had my ex in them.

 

Usual routine. Checked my phone. I had a text but it was not from my ex. It was from the guy I told my ex I was with yesterday. The new guy that is nice to me. The guy that I should like, but I don't. I wish I liked him. I am trying to, but it is forced and therefore will probably never work.

 

The new guy doesn't know I have been fighting with my ex. He just knows I fought with someone yesterday. So his text this morning said "Morning doll, your going to decide your not fighting or arguing today and your going to have an awesome day."

 

I really needed to read this when I first woke up. I thought it was thoughtful, and it also enforced my need to stay away from my ex (not that I could contact my ex anyway I erased him from everything).

 

If my ex knew I was fighting with someone he would probably call me stupid, tell me I complain too much, or some inappropriate hing thing. He never made me feel better about anything. My ex never would have sent me a text like this, so I appreciated the text even more.

 

I am still thinking about my ex. I am not panicking. My thoughts are not ones that are sad, or miserable, or yearning for him. My thoughts are now ones of acceptance. I think I can't believe it is over. When I checked my phone this morning I knew he wouldn't call. I was ok with it really. I didn't regret the fight yesterday, and I didn't sit there wishing that he did. I didn't even wish that he had apologized this time.

 

He has caused so much damaged over the last few weeks that I am starting not to care. Perhaps this feeling is just temporary since it is only day one if NC AGAIN, but I am going to ride it out for all it is worth, and not feel as bad today.

 

-----------------------

Today I am going to remember that I hate my ex because he never comforted me when i needed it. He always made me feel worse when I was down, never better.

[Mee-chelle]

Breakup Day 11/ NC Day 2

 

I am thinking about him more today, but I don't feel tempted to contact. He didn't contact me, and I really can't contact him anyway. I am happy he didn't contact me. I might be thinking about him today but I still feel hate and resentment. I need to get over him, this break up needs to be done.

 

I went out all day yesterday. I got home at 5AM. I met a really attractive firefighter I spent the the whole night with (out, not in that way). I still thought about my ex on and off anyway. I had six vodka cranberry drinks. I still thought about my ex anyway.

 

I am not going to call the firefighter.

 

I miss my stinky, bad person, ex a little. I wonder what he is doing.

 

------------------------------

3:13PM

 

Today is really hard. I have been in the house all day and I can't stop thinking about everything. I feel sad and miserable. I want it to go away.

 

I just canceled the trip we planned together.

 

----------------

4:00 PM

 

The Fed Ex guy just dropped off all of the official documents I have to mail back for the Montana trip I won. The trip has a high value, and everything is included. I should be super excited but I feel miserable.

 

When I opened the envelope I just started to cry.

 

---------------------

5:22 PM

 

Today is still super hard and sucks. Looked at his facebook, but shouldn't have. Same girl that has been writing a bit on his wall is showing him brightness on his gloomy day. (joke of no sun this morning). Who is she?

 

Really it shouldn't matter since he is a cheater anyway. I guess if she is anyone significant he is cheating on her too, since he has been trying to make things right with me on and off past few weeks she has been posting. Is she his "new girlfriend", the girl he made out with on sat night? One of the girls he woke up in bed with on Sunday? Why does it matter? Ahhh but it does matter! God he sucks. I feel miserable

 

Today was another one of those catatonic days. I did a whole lot of nothing. I watched a little TV but spend most of my time staring into nothing. I hate this.

 

Leaving for the gym in 40 mins. Highlight of my day.

 

______________

5:51PM

 

Tried to nap for 20 mins, woken up by the cute Italian banker from Monday night. He just sent me a text.

 

Feeling miserable. Not going to respond.

 

I know they say getting out there and dating others helps, but maybe I'm overdoing it.

 

Doesn't help except for the getting out of the house part. Being around other guys might be making me feel worse. They all seem to be better than my ex, but I think about my cruddy ex when I am with them anyway. Everyone is better than my ex. That should mean something. Just how unhealthy and bizarre our relationship was. How off he was. I still can't stop thinking about him. I miss his annoying, clingy, I'll do anything for you long as you stop being mad at me side that I haven't seen since Feb. I miss him wanting to be around me all the time, and wanting to talk to me every 30 minutes.

 

I don't miss the new March cheater him though. The new march I'm just not that into you him. The March leave me alone give me space, I don't want to even talk to you some days him. I guess he might have always been cheating, and well I should hate him more for it than I am hating him right now.

 

Leaving for gym in 2 minutes.

 

Is this day ever going to end

 

(was supposed to do laundry today, didn't; was supposed to fix medical insurance issue today, didn't; was supposed to get paper notarized and sent out Fed Ex express today, didn't; was supposed make chocolate cream pie and red wine sirloin steak today, probably won't.)

----------------------

8:20

 

I managed to cook something although it was not steak or pie.

 

Feeling awful..this is too hard.

 

I am tired of going through heart beaks

 

------------

11:15PM

 

I feel like I totally backtracked into the misery I had about a week ago. Perhaps it was because I had nothing to do today. I hate that you have been in my head all day. I inadvertently start talking about you to everyone because of it. I have chased others away.

 

I checked your facebook more times that I can count today. I wanted to see if you were going to respond to that mystery girl that has been writing on your wall. You didn't. When we were together you hardly ever friended new girls, now the last 20 new friends of yours have been seemingly trashy women.

 

You now wrote this is what it feels like as your facebook status. I would love to know what feels like what, or maybe not. None of my business I know. I feel like such a stalker. This is so unlike me.

 

I plan to go out tomorrow. I can't stand another day as long as this one. I hope others make me forget you tomorrow.

 

Now I just have to make it through the remaining hours of today.

 

 

-------------------------

 

Today I am going to remember I hate my ex because he is a liar. A bad liar.

[Mee-chelle]

Breakup Day 12/ NC Day 3

 

Today is off to a rough start. It is not much better than yesterday. I slept in. I didn't want to wake up. Between 9AM-12:49PM I woke up maybe five times and then I went back to bed. I woke up to check my phone. Today I want him to call. He didn't. I don't know what he would possibly call for. After Monday I think everything that had to be said was. What would he possibly say? I know he is not going to call. I shouldn't even want him to.

 

Every time I went back to sleep I had a dream. In one of the dreams, everything was closed. I was forced to sit in the only place that was open with a group of people I didn't know. I felt like an intruder, but they were nice to me for the most part. Except for one of the girls that kept trying to cut me with a box cutter. I had to keep fighting her off. I kept breaking the box cutter. She kept coming back with a new one and trying to cut me again. Why does this dream feel so familiar? I may not be having dreams with my ex in them, but this dream was most certainly about him.

 

Today is a crucial day of NC for me. I have failed to make it past day three twice. Today is day three. I want to make it to day four. I miss my ex today. I shouldn't but I do. I miss him, but I am going to make it to day four.

 

I want to go back to sleep. I slept so much, but I am still tired.

 

---------------------------

3:58

 

The day is moving so slowly. I have plans to go into the city tonight. With girls, no guys this time. I am sad. I am not even in the mood to try to rebound today.

 

I am thinking about him a lot. I wasted hours reading my tarot cards when I don't even believe in them. I kept making a new spread until I got the positive reading I wanted. It was pretty lame, and well if you keep waiting for what you want to hear then what is the point of looking for the truth in anything? At least it kept me occupied for a while.

 

I keep having fleeting thoughts. First there is the rational stay away from the ex he is bad thoughts. What would I want with a person like that. If I found a way to contact him I would be going right back into the same negative loop. Then I have the thoughts of missing him. I keep thinking of this huge fantasy of him I created. The great guy him, which he is not. He is not the fantasy.

 

I just need to keep reminding myself that fantasy's are not real. Just like when I had the fantasy that he would comfort me when I called him, or the way he would respond when I told him he hurt me. He never reacted the way I fantasized that he would. He didn't even come close to it. He always gave the wrong answers, said the wrong things, and made me feel worse. Never better.

 

Soo then why can't I accept that what I like about him isn't really there. This whole thing is so silly. I am tired of feeling this way. I know I shouldn't, but I can't stop feeling miserable. Two parts of my brain must not be connected properly.

 

------------------------

 

Today I am going to remember that I hate my ex because he treated me so badly. He didn't treat me like someone who cared about me would have.

[Mee-chelle]

Breakup Day 13/ NC Day 4

 

Well I made it to day four, and I don't think I will break NC ever now. (Even though I erased him from everywhere I still might have memorized the number blah..).

 

I had a great night last night, despite the random ex pop into my head moments. I wish he didn't because who knows how much more fun I would have had.

 

Anyhow a wise wise man last night taught me a lesson about possessiveness. So I will like to entitle this post:

 

POSSESSION:

 

There is the type of person that needs to be in control always. The prey on women like me. Ones with a kind heart, and ones that care. This person last night asked me if my ex seemingly sabotaged the relationship from time to time. He asked if he would pick fights, bicker on petty issues, etc. (pretty much every day). He also asked if he would come back shortly after, and apologize. He also asked if my ex was clingy at first. YES, YES, and YES! This was my ex!

 

The guy I met last night told me that he had known people like that. They just need to feel in control always. They need to know how much they can get away with, and still be able to reel you back in. It is a game, and it helps them deal with their own insecurities.

 

Sure it was hurtful to hear this, now I feel that I was not actually ever cared for. The guy last night told me that people who do this plan it out. Not to mention that my ex on Monday's fight told me he was with me to prove he could be. Yes I feel used, depressed, and i'm still miserable.

 

However, the guy I talked to last night also said this:

 

"But your ex won, he acomplished his goal because you are sitting here talking about him right now. He is in your head. You could be having more fun right now, but he is preventing you from doing it. He might not know that you are talking about him right now, but he won. You could be meeting new people, and he blocked you from that too. If you contact him at any point from now on, you will prove to him that he has won."

 

I don't know who this stranger was, but what he said to me made more sense than anything any of my friends have said to me up to this point. This stranger that was willing to sit there and listen to me complain about my ex in a bar during a free happy hour.

 

Meeting the stranger was one of the best things that happened to me during this break up. Yes I am competitive, but I am also hurt. Now that I think of contacting my ex as a letting him "win" situation, I refuse to let him have it. No matter how much I think about him, or how tempted I feel.

 

I feel awful that he might have never cared, I feel awful for being used, he already won a lot from me. I am not going to let him take anymore.

 

-----------------------

4:35PM

 

Maybe I should have given my ex more credit as an actor. If he was acting the whole time then he did a damn good job. He is in my head. I can't stop thinking about him. GET OUT OF MY HEAD!

 

Being stuck at home doing laundry sucks.

 

We were supposed to leave for our weekend trip today

 

I made a date with my old fling for Saturday. It was probably a huge mistake, but I feel comfort in it. I need thoughts of my ex to go away! I know I don't want the fling and fling doesn't want anything so it works. For now. I think I will try to go to the city, or out locally with some friends tonight.

 

I don't really want to drink, but there is nothing else to do. I have been drinking too much. Not for comfort, but because there really is nothing else to do.

 

-------------------------

 

Today I am going to remember that I hate my ex because he just used me.

[medtec]

yes i think your ex is nasty---and toxic

 

you need to

1. forgive yourself for putting up with this so long

2. forgive him and whatever you do stop thinking about him

 

sometimes love is a choice---you can stop loving him and get out of it.

[Mee-chelle]

yes i think your ex is nasty---and toxic

 

you need to

1. forgive yourself for putting up with this so long

2. forgive him and whatever you do stop thinking about him

 

sometimes love is a choice---you can stop loving him and get out of it.

 

I don't see why I should have to forgive him. Because I don't.

 

I would stop thinking about it if it were that easy. I'm sure a lot of us would stop thinking about our exs if we could. Why would we hang onto something that is making us feel so bad.

 

I know I am doing all I can to forget my ex by doing no contact, and trying to keep myself occupied in the company of good people.

[Mee-chelle]

One side effect of constantly having a certain person on your mind is that you start to think a million different things about the situation you are in. As I was getting ready to go to the city right now a thought popped into my head. I thought I would share it before I decide to leave, and most likely drink myself into an oblivion. Sooo...

 

THE KARMA QUESTION:

 

Most people who experience break ups naturally think they were too good, the other person is missing out, and we usually wish bad karma upon the one that hurt us. Of course we don't really take that much time to think about the perspective of the other person. Maybe they dumped us for reasons we can't really see in ourselves, or maybe they just really fell out of love with us. You can't force yourself to love someone.

 

Why did I think of karma? Because I have wished bad karma on everyone that has ever broken my heart, and sometimes I have wondered if that bad karma ever did come back to them, and how.

 

Now I am not perfect. I have done things in my past, but the predominant memory tonight was of my rebound guy that I had two 1/2 years ago after I came out of a very painful break up with my ex fiance. I pretty much used this guy as a crutch to help me forget my fiance.

 

The rebound guy fell in love with me. He fell fast, and he fell hard. I would always tell the guy that I did not want to be in a relationship with him. We were never official boyfriend and girlfriend, and I never did catch any real feeling for the guy. After a month his personality just kind of annoyed me.

 

Don't get me wrong the guy was great. He was one of those guys everyone wished they had. He was too nice. He brought me flowers constnalty, made me love cds, came over when I was sick. He was a total sweetheart, but I just didn't like him.

 

His personality annoyed me sometimes, he was a little slow at times, and very clingy. Sometimes I was mean to him for it. I tried to break up with him with him several times. The guy would stop eating and go on drinking binges. He even got a DWI and lost his job.

 

Sure he was a little obsessed one might say. I could never figure out why because I was quite nasty to him at times. However, he made me feel guilty and or bad for him so I would agree to be his friend. I didn't want to see him hurt himself. He took the friendship as another chance always. He would somehow get me to kiss him, and etc. I felt bad. I guess I led him on though.

 

Whatever we had went on for a little over six months. Finally I was able to end if for good, but I know I left him with a broken heart. He would send me texts from time to time. I would uncaringly answer. He wished me a happy whatever on every holiday that passed for the next year, and I even saw that he was in therapy.

 

I couldn't help it. I didn't have feelings for this guy. I never did. I couldn't force myself to, but I hurt him. Maybe I could have been a little nicer, but I didn't know how to make him go away.

 

I was honest with him when I didn't think it would work. We were close for the first month or so, but I even told him I was not over my ex during that period. I was honest when I said I didn't feel the same way. I was always honest about my feelings. But sometimes I called him anyway. Maybe I did lead him on.

 

So why am I remembering this guy? Did he wish bad karma on me? Did I deserve it?

 

Is my current ex my karma for what I did to my rebound guy? Because I know both my ex and I were getting over another ex when we met. We both admitted to even still not being completely over our exs when we met. Was I the rebound to my ex that he treated so nasty?

 

I was never nearly as bad as to my rebound. Yes my rebound annoyed me, but I never ever talked to him in the way in which my ex talkd to me. I never treated him this way. But they say karma is supposed to be worse.

 

I think I am going to IM my rebound on Monday and apologize for anything I might have done that was unfair to him. He deserves an apology.

[Mee-chelle]

Breakup Day 14/ NC Day 5

 

COMING TO TERMS WITH THE END:

 

So this morning I checked his facebook. I don't know what I expect to find or why I check it. Maybe I want to know if there is another girl, or any indication that he feels remorse.

 

This morning I saw something on there I was not happy about. It made me wish I had not checked it at all.

 

When my ex said he really never was going to contact me again during our fight on Monday, I believed him. This has been the longest amount of time we have went without any contact at all, and it will only get longer. To infitiny.

 

I know I have been going out. I have been meeting guys. I was with one last night and will be with my old fling tonight. My ex already cheated, and well it would be silly of me to think that he shouldn't be talking to other girls now.

 

This morning on his facebook I saw that he was at this bar I am actually going to tonight. He commented that next time he will have to bring a translator because the hot European chicks can't speak English but they text in English fluently.

 

I had a lot of different feelings after seeing this. I felt hurt. I felt like he moved on. I even wished for a minute that I had went to this place last night instead of going tonight. I wanted him to see me with my fling and feel jealous.

 

The place he was in last night is close to my house, but not his. He never goes to that city, so it is a really odd coincidence that he had wandered into my territory to the same bar/club, especially on a day right before I am going and had planned to go.

 

A part of me really wished I was there. Although I guess everything happens for a reason, and maybe I would have been hurt more. I wanted to hurt him though. Then again maybe he wouldn't have cared.

 

For some reason seeing his Facebook status really made me want to contact him. It was a battle all morning. It is even a battle right now. I can't and won't though because, even though I miss fantasy him, I know I don't need this person in my life. This person only causes pain. If he missed me, and cared for me he would want to tell me he was sorry for the pain he caused.

 

He has not tried to do that. He is not interested in me. If I contacted him it would mean he "won".

 

---------------------

Today I am going to remember that I hate my ex because he was mentally abusive.