Mee-chelle

P.S. I hate you

Get out of my head! I know you replaced me, so I have been trying to replace you. Why was it so much easier for you?

You are a terrible person. You should be ashamed of yourself. I hate you. Yet I am thinking about you today..... and I hate you even more for it!

God I hate you. Am I wrong for wishing that one of your many girls gives you an infection that you won't be able to get rid of next time? Because I do. You proudly proclaim how many people you have done with no protection at all. Go you, your a real freaking winner. Before I felt like I haven't seen the last of you. Well heard the last from you anyway. I regret giving you five hours of my day. You didn't deserve it. You don't deserve that much control over me, but there is a bright side to it. I finally lost it. I told you off. I told you what I really honestly thought of you. Now I feel like I chased you away forever, and I say good freaking riddens.

I hate you today. I don't want to stop hating you. I hate the words that come out of your mouth. Your mother should grab you and wash it out with soap. How am I the * * * * * , the * * * * when your sitting there telling me all of the things you did to another girl, when I didn't do anything at all? I was faithful. Yet I'm responsible for the entire situation the two of you are in? You live in a world of delusion and it is one big joke. I wish the both of you would actually try to sue me for something that happened between the two of you that I was not a part of. Yet you are both convinced that it is my fault. Sue me. Waste your money. I will find it funny. Maybe you just need to get a reaction out of me, because my walking away from you hurt you more than you want me to know. Either way it doesn't matter. I hate you. Stop contacting me. I mean it! You contact me every day. If you think so low of me as your words would leave one to believe, then don't bother me. Go away. I want to forget you. I hate you. I have said it before and I am going to say it again. I am too good for you, you are not even worthy enough to be in my presence. You call me dumb because you need to. Now I understand that it makes you feel better about the fact that you have the IQ of a chicken. You can say all of the nasty things you want to me, but you will never make me believe them. I am not going to hate myself. I hope it hurts you when you realize you don't have any power over me anymore. I am happy I walked away from you. I am happy I let you go. I hate you.

What do you want from me?

Posting here instead of contacting you today is pointless...because we had contact all day. I shouldn't have caved in when you texted me this morning. It was a mistake. Now I supposed I will be expected to talk to you tomorrow as well. I don't know what I am going to do, but if i'm smart I won't respond I think. I am confused, mad, and sad. I want to forgive you, but you make it so difficult for me. I don't know if I ever can. Especially because we talked for one day and already argued. Nothing changed. People keep telling me he isn't that interested in you....why do you keep needing to reel me back in then?!

I hate how you just changed. I wish we didn't argue so much. Maybe you would still care like you used to. I wish you realized that you started a good deal of those arguments even though you blamed me. Why couldn't you just be content and not look for flaws in me ALL OF THE TIME so you could use that against me. I miss the way you were. I don't know why I miss you so much, because I shouldn't. You are a toxic person. All of my friends think you are a loser, and I am being desperate for even considering speaking to you again. Why am I so desperate for you when I know I can do better. 50% of the time we argued you actually fought with me to lower my standards so I can be with you. My long time friends have known many of my ex's and they think you are the worst of them all. I am ashamed of myself. Why can't I listen to the people that care about me. I must refuse to see the obvious. I don't know why I miss you, but I do.

I just read what I wrote last night. I was so tempted to contact him right now, but reading over my above post has helped ease the urge a little. For how long I don't know. I literally caved four minutes after writing what I did above last night and texted back a single line. Why do I want to talk to him? He has made it apparent that he is not that interested in talking to me. If he was he wouldn't have ignored me for so long when our break up was not even clear. The "hey u" was a total mind melt because now all I can think of is contacting him this whole morning. I hate him for sending it to me. So what if I did contact him? What am I going to say? Something meaningless like how good the movie I saw last night was? Would I hope to slide into some sort of small talk? Show him that I am weak and pathetic and willing to chase after him, and give him attention even after he has ignored me for so long? Praise him for not wanting to see me the last five times I asked? Accept that there are most likely other women in the picture? No I am not that weak person. I deserve better. I deserve someone who wants to be with me. I know I can be difficult at times, but somewhere there is someone who won't mind it. I am going to lay down in bed, watch tv, and maybe take a nap.

My ex texted me a little over an hour ago and I feel tempted to respond so I am just going to write what I would say here. He texted me "hey u". I felt somewhat relieved when I received this because it makes me feel like he is thinking about me, but I think I felt more appalled by it. My relationship just faded, and the break-up was unclear. I am not sure if he thinks we are even still together, but on the chance that he does why has he not texted me since sat night until now? He has been a nasty person to me, and placing all the blame on me, and all he has to say is "hey u"? Way to go and not recognize your wrong actions once again. I am not going to run to you because you decided to text me a "hey u". I am not going to allow you to treat me the way you do. I have this hankering irrational voice inside that is telling me that if I don't text back he might never text you again, but is that necessarily a bad thing? Just because he doesn't feel that he has done anything wrong does that relieve him from the responsibility of owing me an apology? I caved and let him back in during the past two awful weeks, I let him blame me. I let him walk all over me. It doesn't matter if he thinks he is wrong or not. I shouldn't have to tell him that he is. Therefore, I say screw you to your "hey u".

I am mad at you for making me believe that you really cared for me, when you didn't. I can't believe that you honestly thought that I would be so dumb to not realize that you were sleeping with someone else. I was too blind to notice that you put all of your effort into finding my flaws and pointing them out to me, instead of looking at what aspects of my personality made me a great person. You found something to complain about me the day we met, and I should have taken that as a red flag. Every time I tried communicate with you, you saw it as an argument or as me over-analyzing. It was totally impossible for me to say anything ever. I remember when I tried to talk you would cut me off, see it as an argument and stoop to any level to win. The very last time I tried to talk to you gave me a time limit of less than a minute to discuss why I was upset. If you had your way I would just sit there and smile all of the time no matter what I was feeling. You couldn't even communicate that you wanted to break up, instead I was just ignored, and that hurt. I let myself be ignored only because I know it is pointless to try to talk to you. My thoughts and feelings never had any real value to you because if they did you would have wanted to understand. I am not perfect, and by no means do I think I am better than everyone else, but i DO KNOW that I was too good for you.