I fear I will never get over my dad's death.

[scared and alone]

It's been over a decade now (which is WEIRD to say) but when I really think about it, I don't know how I can get over that. How DO you get over that ? About 50% of the time it just consumes me. I know I will never forget him, and I don't want to, but when I do remember him, it's all I think about. And not in a healthy way. I either don't think about him or it's all I think about to the point where it's not healthy. It's not even denial its just, not accepting. It's not even like the worst break up of your life with someone you love. It's a PARENT. Someone that IS irreplaceable and SO important in your life. I feel its just screwed me up permanently. And I don't want that. HE wouldn't want that. The worst part is, I fear my boyfriend is right; i'm 25 yet, because of my dad's death, I still feel stuck at the age I lost him at. That's not good. I'll be 30 before I know it and still feel 15 and have gone no where in my life because of it.

[top bloke]

You never get over the loss of a close loved one.However you have to realise that the love they had for you that they just want you to flourish grow and move forward in life...Remember the good..remember the love.Move forward..live with the good memories.

[mgirl]

The worst part is, I fear my boyfriend is right; i'm 25 yet, because of my dad's death, I still feel stuck at the age I lost him at. That's not good. I'll be 30 before I know it and still feel 15 and have gone no where in my life because of it.

 

This really makes me angry... How dare he (your boyfriend), how insensitive of him.. He obviously hasn't lost somebody close to him. Be a different story if he had.

 

I lost my sister 4 years ago and i can totally relate to how you feel. Sometimes it is crushing.

 

I think the thing is (and this is very important):

 

- Once the grieving process is nearly over, we realize we have lost a relationship. It's not just a person, but somebody who was a reference point for us, and somebody we had our self concept invested in. For eg, when they go, the part of ourselves that related to them (and them to us) kind of becomes starved. For example, my sister had the kinkiest sense of humour and we related well on that level.. It has taken me ages to find somebody else i can share that sense of humor with (my ex, but that's another story

 

Once we realise that thing is lost, we then look around for somebody else to replace that... There is nobody else... - the result? A bit of depression, because we realise the 'relationship' we had with that person was unique.

 

Even though i agree that people we lose are irreplaceable, i also think people can come into your life and compensate for what is lost (to an extent)... For example, every relationship is unique.

 

You should try to open yourself up to "near" replacements, or to people that fill the void somehow with their comments and support. In other words, open yourself up to people that can nourish parts of you, and try to let new parts of you develop. Err, and get rid of this insensitive boyfriend of yours and find somebody who can be with you in your misery / grief and who is strong enough to support you.

 

Maybe it is time for some change? I'm sure your dad would want that. That boyfriend doesn't sound very supportive, sorry.

[Jetta]

You have to take steps to move beyond the grief and loss, that's where therapy helps. It has really helped me get over things I thought were impossible to get over. The pain I felt was so all ecompassing, it hurt in places I never thought I'd hurt. I just wanted to die along with the person, but I haven't. And I still struggle with no future with my son (his death is more recent), but I know in time I've gotten through the pain of my father's death. However almost 5 years later there is still a bit of a void, but life has moved on. I was stagnate myself for years following his death. I promised myself I wouldn't do that when my son died and I haven't. I've been very preoccupied with life, but still harbor my feelings of wanting to die with them.

 

It's tough, no doubt about it, but there is help and hope for a brighter future.

[KittyBoo]

Even if you had a very close relationship with your father, were there any unresolved issues that you are still dealing with that may be blocking your ability to grieve in a healthy way? Maybe talking with a therapist could help you to figure things out?

[scared and alone]

haha i'm sorry. I didn't mean to make my boyfriend sound awful. He's actually very supportive and sensitive when it comes to my dad. What I meant by that was, he can tell that because it happened at a young age and it devastated me so much (along with many other bad things happening that time in my life) That I never figured out how to move past that and learn how to transition as an adult, and he is right. While i'm not immature, so much of my teenage and for some of it, my childhood was halted and it's hard to move from that, at least for me. I'm trying, I just need to figure out how. I appreciate your concern though

 

I do try to find other things to make up for the loss of my dad, I just haven't found it yet. Oddly though, my boyfriends parents are sort of becoming that replacement. My mom is still alive, but, she's hardly mother like to me. And his parents see that I really have no one and they sorta see me as the daughter they never had and they are very good to me and always ask me how i'm doing and if they can do anything for me.

[scared and alone]

Even if you had a very close relationship with your father, were there any unresolved issues that you are still dealing with that may be blocking your ability to grieve in a healthy way? Maybe talking with a therapist could help you to figure things out?

 

I was very close with my father. He was my world. And the only unresolved issues I have are with my mom, not him. I think that might be another reason why it's so hard for me to move on is because after they divorced, he WAS the only REAL parent I had. I did live with my mom mostly, but, she was a crap excuse for a mom and he was always there for us. I'm not saying he was perfect, but he was a great dad to me and my sister. He would always make sure we knew he was there and loved us.

[Nixee]

Losing someone like that.... a parent... and the parent you were closest with.. at such a very young age... of course it can affect you, and to me it is no wonder that it haunts you.

 

I think it is good that you are able to realize that you need to move on in a healthier way though. It would be good not only for your future... but also for his memory. For your continuing relationship with him, so to speak.

 

You would probably benefit quite a bit from speaking with a therapist specializing in grief. I'm betting that some of your issues and things you feel don't just surround him and his death but maybe feeling abandoned, or left with your mom who you didn't/don't feel as close to. A good deal of talking and understanding could do a lot of good.

 

I feel for you though. My father is terminally ill right now, and I have no idea if I'm ready to face a world without him.... but sometimes you have to be strong and learn how to do things.

[thejigsup]

I lost my Dad when I was twelve, he keeled over from a heart attack right in front of me. Now, he was a lousy father and we were not close, but it still affected me in a negative way. I know what you are saying about being stuck at a certain age. I wasn't immature at all, but I was afraid of a lot of things. I outgrew those feelings and so will you. It just takes time and a lot of determination.

[itsallgrand]

I was very close with my father. He was my world. And the only unresolved issues I have are with my mom, not him. I think that might be another reason why it's so hard for me to move on is because after they divorced, he WAS the only REAL parent I had. I did live with my mom mostly, but, she was a crap excuse for a mom and he was always there for us. I'm not saying he was perfect, but he was a great dad to me and my sister. He would always make sure we knew he was there and loved us.

 

Yeah scared, you know I've related to you so much. Lost my dad at 14, he was my world and my rock, and when he passed away it felt for a very long time that I have been stuck at a certain time and age emotionally/psychologically. I also have had a lot of issues with my mum; she drank and she was rarely there for me. I had a lot of responsibility after my dad's death and things were very difficult for me. It all compounded one issue on top of another bc that initial loss of my dad and what happened afterwards - especially feeling like his loss brought with it a complete change in my life and abandonment, totally alone feeling - it seemed like a hopeless mess and something I would never get over.

 

I even went and spent two years seeing a psychiatrist to try and come to terms with my life and find a way to 'grow up' psychologically and emotionally, heal the big scars that made me feel so different and somehow handicapped for so long.

 

Coming to terms with the people in your life now, specifically your mom, might help you reach a point where you can come to terms with your dad. Coming up to speed with your life.

 

I relate to your situation so much and really want you to know that this doesn't have to be with you your entire life and define you/your life forever on - it can be worked through, it's a process but it can be done, and it doesn't mean that it fades to being of little importance to you or that you won't miss your dad still, but the events and how it forms your life now can be put in a different perspective and different place. You can have access to the energy and room to live your life at your full potential.

 

I'd had several so called therapists and even family call me "broken" and "FUBAR" and it goes on. And I used to believe in my heart that that was true, I was broke, it couldn't be healed, I couldn't be truly me ever bc something was taken away that could never be brought back.

 

Things like anger, holding on, resentment, guilt...feeling sorry and mourning the loss...not just of your dad but what you feel you lost of yourself in the process...and in the years after by not having your dad there...anger at your mom...all this stuff needs to be expressed and worked through and brought up to date.

 

A while ago I stopped torturing myself and flogging myself for not being "normal" or doing things like how I figure I should be or would have had certain things not happened, like my dad passing and a lot of other stuff too, and just try to deal with the way things are now. Sure yeah, I am 30 and still dealing with things that some people haven't yet and may never deal with that I experienced at a young age, but that is just part of MY life and it is unique and there is no set formula for how things will go, we can make all the plans in the world but we have to adapt and work with what we got.

 

tc.

[pb2myj]

I myself lost my dad at 15 and I'm 25 now. My dad's death has been the hardest thing I've ever dealt with.. and I still deal with it every single day of my life. I agree it's sooo not healthy. I believe it has caused me severe abandonment issues(currently plaguing my fiance and I's relationship), but I feel even worse for my 10 year old brother who was born 5 months AFTER my dad had already passed away. At 11 my godfather died, 13 grandpa, 15 my dad, 16 my step-dad, great grandparents, and grandparents from family marriages- all gone. Death is obviously part of life, I just had to deal with a lot of it in the few years I've been here... but I definitely agree that I feel like I've been super mature having to deal with the death but that I'm stuck at that age in aspects and can't move forward- I'm a control freak because of my life spiraling out of control because of the deaths. I have other factors that don't help with abandonment like cheating exes and parents divorce and the crap that went on with drugs and whatnot. Everything that happens in our lives affect us and it just plain sucks. I wish I had some advice for you, but I do want you to know you aren't alone.

[LanceVanceDance]

I have lost my father as well and it is of course a crushing, horrifying experience. Probably the worst of my life so far.

 

I don't really have any advice for you, but in this regard my story is a "success story" because I did get over it. How long afterwards? It's hard to say... It's like when you're depressed, you don't go to sleep depressed one day and feeling great the next day. So I can't pinpoint one moment in particular.

 

I still miss my dad, but his disappearance no longer affects my life directly because I have gotten used to it. It is now part of my life and I have fully accepted it.

 

It is hard. It takes time. But it is possible to get over it. Take care and don't hesitate to seek professional help if you feel the need (I never did and regretted it eventually, it might have helped me grieve in a healthier way).

[kuteknish]

I don't know much about parental death, but I have a question maybe those who have lost could help with: My (ex)boyfriend lost his father last year and his friends say he never really "grieved" .. he just put it away in his head and never talked about it... even barely with his family... How do you think that affects a person and his ability to flourish in a relationship, specifically when it happened 4 months before i met him? He is 37 and his father died in his sleep with no warning. Just trying to get perspective... He would barely ever talk about him when we were dating and when I would ask a question about him, he would just shut down.

[LanceVanceDance]

You should try and get him to talk about it. Otherwise it might "explode" later on, perhaps years later, after he can't take it anymore.

[kuteknish]

well he's an "ex" now.. so that's out of the question.. but maybe when we become friends, I will have a better understanding and can be there for him.

[3boys]

I lost my dad 3 years ago today and he was Veteran so it's especially hard. It was almost 8 weeks to the day after I lost my mom. My 2 brothers (1 older, 1 younger) were basket cases for both so I was left to be "the strong one" and never really got a chance to grieve EITHER of them. I honestly don't know if I will EVER will be able to deal with the loss of either of them since I still have yet to deal with the loss of another one of my brothers, whom I lost in 1992! I think it's just easier to try to not think about it....