My break-up story....Need advice Plz :)

[geminigirl1234]

Hey guys,

 

So as I am a big fan of writing, I thought I would share my story here.

Also, if you guys can provide some advice that would be really awsome. I also wanted to get this story off of my chest (is this part of the healing process?) hehe

 

I started seeing this guy I met in a restaurant last summer. Lets call him C.

I saw this guy sitting in the table and came up to talk to him. We instantly had a "connection" and chemistry and lots of physical attraction towards eachother.

 

Note, I met him 6 months ago. Also note that he lives about 10 hours away from where I live.

 

So when C and I met, he was really into me, making plans, texting all the time, etc, etc. He would come here for work, and we would spend time at the beach, went to the park together, so we spent quite a bit of time together in the summer. Also note he was kind of shy towards me, and I was too him as well. Anywyas the summer was really awsome, and I felt that the chemistry was getting greater and greater between us.

 

One night, we were at my house watching a movie and just holding hands, I didnt let him touch me sexually until we spent a bit more time together (about 3 months). Anywyas the night before he sent me a text saying he wanted to ask me something. However the following day he didnt ask me,

so I asked him what he wanted to tell me. He said that he wanted to ask me if I would like a long distance relationship, but that he was in one before and it didnt work out. So then he asked me what I think about friends with benefits.

 

I got kind of hurt that he would suggest something like that, as I wasnt even sexual with him yet and I thought he saw me as a nice girl, and someone he respects. (Im not too sure why he suggested that actually?)

 

I told him, im not that type of girl, and that I hope he knows that. He said yes he does.

 

 

After that day, he went back to his hometown, and we didnt text for about 4 days. I got kind of upset during that time because he mentioned the whole friends with benefits thing.

 

4 days later he sent me a text saying he missed me, and I said me too...then we kept on texting again almost everyday.

 

He came here another time for work and to see me a few weeks later, and we ended up going to this nature place together and he asked me what I think of having a boyfriend, I wasnt really sure if I was ready for it, so I said I think we should just see how it goes and thats it. he said ok, and didnt push any further. He did not mentioning being exclusive or the girlfriend thing anymore after this. Also that day he bought me a gift, which was this little animal figurine made out of stone, he said he was looking everywhere to find it. It was very sweet.

 

Anywyas things were really awsome and perfect and he kept on making plans to see me and planned to come here on new years to spend time with me, and also for work.

 

When new years came along I hadnt seen him in 2 months and we were really excited to see eachother.

 

Note that before he came here on new years, he started sending me more naughty texts than usual, telling me what he would do to me and how he would touch me and stuff. (We hadnt been very sexual yet though, just touching eachother, making out).

 

The naughty texts made me a bit uncomfortable and I told him to tone it down, and so he did but we were still sending some naughty texts.

 

Anywyas New year came by, and it was awosme and he met my friends and they really liked him. I also met his friends the previous time he was here. At this time, we were in what you call an "infatuation phase" - he seemed so right for me, and we connected so much without even having to talk too much, and there was just so much attraction. it was AWSOME!

 

During that last time he visited though (new years) he stayed here for two weeks. We got pretty intimate fast however during this time, but I felt more comfortable with him so I thought it would be ok. I also started sleeping over at his place more, we were watching movies, cuddling etc. At this point we had done everything but sex. Also note, we didnt really have many deep conversations yet, which I thought was kind of weird, but he is not that big of a talker. Like he never really asked me much about school or work or my hobbies, but I guess I didnt really ask him much about it either.....we are both shy.

 

However, I noticed during this time that he started acting a bit more strange towards me. Like a bit more distance and he wasnt opening himself up to me that much. Anywyas, he still asked to see me every other day that he was here, but I felt that things were a little bit "off" like he was giving me this weird look (not the sweet and loving look he gave me before).

 

Also note that I was spending quite a bit of time with him then, and wasnt seeing my friends as much (Because it was long distance though I was just really excited for him to be here).

 

Another thing, the last couple of nights he was in town, he asked me to have sex with him, but I said no. He asked me why and I was too scared to tell him (It was because I wanted things to be special between us, but I was too shy to tell him). Anywyas, I felt that he kind of pressured me a little bit, like he didnt say its ok, I wont pressure you, I understand sort of thing, he was just confused as to why I wouldnt do it.

 

At this point, I think he was also starting to take me for granted a little bit cuz I was spending quite a bit of time at his place.

 

Anywyas, at this point, I felt that he was a bit distanced from me, and thats when my "fears" kicked in. I knew in my heart I shouldnt have done it, but I was so worried that he didnt like me anymore or that he would stop liking me that I decided to have sex with him the next night. (I know it was a silly decision). And it wasnt the kind of sex that I wanted (i.e. lovemaking) it was more rough and stuff.

 

The next morning I realized that I made a mistake, and that the so called infatuation we were feeling for eachother kind of withered away (it wasnt as strong as it was before). And I also realized that after being sexual, I really didnt know him that well at all, even though we did spend a lot of time together before but it was more active stuff (not so much talking about beliefs, values, goals, etc).

 

So anywyas, the next morning I think it was awkward, and I didnt really know what to say to him, and he didnt to me.

 

Then he went away to his home town.

 

2 weeks go by, and I didnt get his daily texts anymore He sent me a couple, but that was it.

When this happened, I became quite severly depressed, didnt eat, didnt sleep well, had to go see a counseller and a psychologist (Also I dont really deal well with stress- but have received treatment for that now).

 

I thought that was it, he would never want to see me again. I was scared that he thought of me as this * * * * ty girl because I had sex with him without getting to know him very well. I thought he had lost respect for me. All of these thoughts made me so sad, that I quite literally became so sick...I have never felt that way before. And it was because I was blaming myself for loosing a good thing, this guy, because I had sex with him and it ruined our "chemistry."

 

Lo and behold, two weeks later, he sends me a text saying "hey you, ill see you soon." and asked me when he can come by to see my new place (I also moved out during this time)

 

Anywyas when he came over that day, he was shy around me, like when he first started going out and I was so happy, because it meant that he still had feelings for me. Anywyas, we went outside to hang out and things were like they were at the beginning. Then he kissed me and said that he missed me and we hugged for a while.

 

I told him that I thought he forgot about me, and he said no, I was just busy (not sure if this is real, i think he might have just gotten scared because we got close and sexual fast the last time).

 

Anywyas, everything was good, and he kissed me and said goodnight.

 

The following day he didnt text me, and thats when my panic mode kicked in. I was so scared of "losing him" again that I became kind of insecure. I asked him to go swimming the next day and we did, but I was acting really funny around him- insecure, a bit needy, etc. He could sense this, and began to withdraw.

 

Anywyas, he still keeps texting me, but we didnt see eachother for a week, and then a few days later my text messeging wasnt working, and then on fb I wrote that "my phone is acting weird" and he replied within minutes asking what I am doing in the next few days, and if he can see me.

 

I said yes, and we went out that time and had a great time, and were cuddling and kissing, and we watched a show and went to a movie, he was taking pics of me like he used to. Everything was awsome.

 

Also note that I told him again that time that im not a "friends with benefits type of girl"

 

BUT.....I was still so scared of that sitation that happened a few weeks ago when he completely dissapeard that I again started to act a bit insecure and strange. I mean to be honest, I was petrified that he wouldnt contact me anymore.

 

Anywyas, I realize now that was silly of me, but at the time, the fear was very real.

 

After we hung out a few more times, a coupe of times with his close friends....after that he started asking me if I can send him a half naked pic of myself. I hesitated, but eventually gave in and sent him one, it wasnt anything bad though, just me in my pjs.

 

He then asked me if I could send him one topless. I told him no, that I dont feel comfortable. He then told me that he would really like to lie naked with me and just touch me. I gave into that because I thought it was sweet (I know silly me and so I told him he can come over tomorrow and that my parents wouldnt be home. He of course was delighted and he came over.

 

But, my parents ended up being home, and he was kind of confused when he came over. Then I told him, if something casual is all you want I cant see you anymore. He told me thats not all he wants, and that he does care, but because of the distance it will be hard for him to be my boyfriend.

 

Then he asked me if he pressured me into sex, and I said yes, but that I forgive him (GRRR....why did I forgive him again? lol)

 

Anywyas he told me that he is leaving to his hometown soon, and asked if I still want to see him in April when he comes here again and I said yes. I also told him that night that im not ready for sex and that I want it to be special. We then cuddled a bit, and then touched eachother's chests. Then I told him its getting late, and we kissed and I was happy and he left.

 

The following day he asked me to hang out with him and I said yes.

I told him to meet me in the park.

He brought me a flower which was sweet (I told him if he wants to see me he must bring a flower, and that I like it when he brings me a flower), we then ended up going to the park, chasing geese, he was taking pics of me again. He held my hand, etc, anywyas things were good..

 

 

Then, we started kissing a bit, and he starting to go inside my underwear and fingering me and then asked me innocently if I want to go "finish this off at your place?"

 

Thats when I really freaked out, because I was thinking, I made it clear to him the previous night that I dont want to have sex with him and that im not ready, so why was he even asking this sort of question.

 

I then became silent and he said "your quiet" And I told him I cant have sex with him or anybody right now. He said ok. Then I told him to go away to go away now, and pointed my finger to the direction he needs to go. He thought I was joking, but then I became really serious and he then asked do you really want me to go? and I said no...and then I told him, this isnt going to work, we want different things, and hes like yeah I guess and I asked him "why" and he said "becuase of the distance for one thing" Then I started crying.....tears were just strolling down my face...he asked if I wanted him to stay for a bit, and I said yes...then we hugged and because he didnt say anything like lets be together, bla bla, I care for you, I told him to go away kind of rudely, to get out....and he just left.....he walked away..... and I was sitting there on the bench crying....

 

I later sent him a fb messege saying

 

"Sorry about the way I spoke to you that day, I shouldnt have told you to go away like that. Thats it, hope your doing well, take care."

 

He replied by saying "No you dont, I understand why you did it that way. Anywyas, if your ever in (his hometown) we should go for coffee. Take care"

 

 

The end.

 

What do you guys think of this story? What were his intentions? Did he want to be FWB with me ALL ALONG? or did he decide that I am not a "PRIZE" anymore because of my insecurity, my eagerness to see him, and me trying to please him.? (At the beginning I was really hard to get, but then started to fall for him and show my insecurities and fears)

 

Was it the right decision to let him go? and Also, is it worth making him see me as the "Prize" I once was on this eyes? I am getting over him of course.....

 

but I am wondering, is the reason he lost interest in me because he didnt see me as a "prize" anymore, as somebody expensive, like I first was in his eyes?

Or, did he never really want me to be his girlfriend? Or perhaps he is a commitment phobe? Did I do the right thing?

 

What do the males think about this? and ladies too of course

[dre760]

Hey so I took the time to read your post. Being a 19 year old male I must say, I am kind of stumped here.

 

Is it possible he was just using you for sex or just to be fwb? Yes it is very possible this was the case. Why would he completely stop contacting you after the first time you guys did it? This came off really strange to me and makes me think he was only seeing you for sex.

 

Now like I said before, I'm pretty stumped with what his exact intentions are. Im sure he does care about you because he has been seeing you all this time. If he was just looking for sex, I feel like he would have given up by now.. But who knows??

 

 

Don't take what I'm saying to be the truth. Just look at these as possibilities for his intentions. I am looking forward to seeing what other people have to say about this..

[geminigirl1234]

Thanks so much for the reply

Hehe yeah I realize that its very long, but its an interesting story.

 

Oh p.s the guy is also 22 years old.....

I heard at this age a lot of guys are "emotionally unavailable" i.e. not commitment ready.....

 

I also realized that I am attracted to this type of man, as I am sort of scared of commitment myself (for different reasons though).

 

Anywyas, looking forward to what the rest of you guys say.

 

Thank you!!!

[geminigirl1234]

or perhaps I freaked him out, cuz he started seeing me as one of those insecure, and overly accomidating type of girls, and also as someone too emotional, as I started crying in front of him.

 

?

 

Eek so confused

[minou]

Wait a second he waited quite a while before you had sex with him. I don't think that's all he wanted. He would have checked out LONG ago. Plus, isn't he the one who asked what you think about having a boyfriend and you said you weren't ready for that? You told him you're not ready for sex after having sex with him, so I don't blame him for being a bit confused about that. Also if all he wanted was sex, he would have checked out at that point instead of hanging in there. He's obviously attracted to you and his hormones were talking when he tried to have sex again. Were you wrong to break up? It really all depends on whether or not your feelings for him are strong. People who want FB don't tend to go for someone like you, who obviously values sex within the context of love and prefer to take your time.

[Nickk]

yeah its a tough one. I agree with minou, i think he def has feelings for you and has generally tried to do the right thing. But at that age his hormones are definitely raging and im sure your a beautiful girl so of course he wants to have sex with you. And we can be as understanding and caring as we possibly can but it can be frustrating too when he's been patient and understanding but still aint getting any so to speak. Sounds shallow but after a few months i'd be slightly sexually frustrated too.

 

I honestly dont think either of you have done anything wrong here, and have both been pretty honest with each other, but maybe your both just in a different place, and have slightly different needs atm. Maybe its just not the right time. Goodluck

[geminigirl1234]

Thanks for the replies, they are definitely helpful

 

Yes, I think that he definitely did not just want to have sex, and he did have feelings for me. However, I was so petrified that if we were to be intimate again, he would not talk to me for a while like that last time. Also, for some reason the last time we got intimate, he started acting a bit funny around me. That also could have been because we were spending a lot of time together, and I was staying at his house alot. I know guys love their space.

 

Also, if he were to tell me that he cares about me and wants me to be his girlfriend, then no problem, I would have been really sexual with him.

 

There definitely was a lot of sexual attration between us, but I was just so scared to get hurt, because when I become sexual with someone, it means something to me, especially if its someone I really like.