Do I need to bother with NC now?

[woodst0ck]

I've just been to my sister in law's house to drop off my niece's birthday present and the subject of the split between my wife and I came up.

 

Quite unintentionally, she told me that my wife had asked her to look after our dog between the 10-14 of this month as she is going to France with my her new boyfriend. I thought that I had come along way since the split but this hit me really hard.

 

We had always wanted to go away together but never had the money (her horse and fees took a huge chunk out of our monthly budget).... so it's obvious that her bf has some money. I've also found out that she's moved in with him after bedding him a week after our split.

 

So it seems that she's having the time of her life jetting over to Nice and Monaco while I'm stuck at home getting over a broken heart..... on NC. She's not even sent me an email over the past week to see how I'm doing.

 

It seems so... pointless and tbh, a bit sad. She seems to be having a wonderful time now she's found someone with money and I've been totally discarded. We had been together 20 years and she was my best friend (and I was hers) and now, six weeks on, I'm just an inconvenience. It kind of sets me back in the self esteem department.

 

Oh yes, she says that I know her better than anyone else and she doesn't want to lose me as a friend and was really annoyed with me when I said that I didn't think we could stay friends... but words are one thing and actions are another.

 

Can anyone please give me one shred of comfort that I can build on here? I thought I had come such a long way but now I don't know what to think and I feel awful again.

[shessofly]

awww woodstock, I'm sorry to that you are going through this. i think it's best to try to not think about what she is doing with this guy (very hard i know). it is likely only temporary, and you can bet that after a 20 year marriage she is not getting away with this trip guilt-free. she is likely being flooded with pangs of guilt and memories of your conversations about taking trips.

 

things are not always what they seem. just hang in there, stay NC for now and try to keep busy during that time. i know it's hard because i was in your shoes once.

[sidehop]

She's abandoned you for what you two had. Obviously she's being selfish at this point to move on with her life whether you're suffering at home or not. If she has any conscience, I'm sure she will contact you soon or later pretending to at least to see how you are doing.

 

Keep the NC, ignore the fact that this new guy has money, it won't replace the 20+ years of relationship and all the good times you two had. It doesn't guarantee any freedom or happiness for her. If it does it will be short lived like shessofly said. Stay strong, use that sadness and anger to your advantage. In many ways you are now free and have ways to build even a stronger person within whether or not your wife comes back begging for forgiveness.

[Leveller]

I feel your pain. The timescales you have been together and been apart lend credence to the view that 'all is not as it seems'. She could well be using him to 'get over you' or, to put it another way, a rebound - however long it lasts.

[Tanzi]

(((Hugs)))

 

I really feel for you woodstock. I can understand how frustrated this makes you feel. My husband behaved very selfishly when he left me for someone else. He managed to notch up 16 breaks in 18 months with his new gf whilst I sat at home struggling to hold things together for the sake of our girls. There were times when the girls didn't see him for a month because he was away with his gf and her daughter - that didn't bode well at all with our daughters and even his own family.

 

It was like nothing was going to hold him back. It hurt me tremendously that his new lifestyle was taking him away from his responsibilities. He was paying for his gf's daughter to go to private boarding school so that they could go away on their own too. They were living a fantastic child-free life.

 

Still, my perception is that those who leave a marriage or long-term relationship for someone else do become very selfish ... or at least for a while. They have obviously been unhappy for some time and feel that they have a right to do whatever makes them happy (and maybe they do). I expect that, for the most part, she will be in denial of any pain her actions may be causing you but as shessofly says after 20 years of marriage she can't be completely guilty free.

 

Believe me there will come a time when you won't care anymore.

[RobD70]

Believe me, it's not going as great as you imagine. When we let our imagination take over it tends to exaggerate things.

 

97% of affairs (rebounds) end within 2 years and those that marry their affair partner have a 75% divorce rate. She might be having some fun now but long term doesn't look good. That and it's very, very hard to walk away from 20 years and it is on her mind. She is feeling guilty and it will only get worse but you won't see that.

 

Don't be her friend. It's time for some hard NC. If she contacts you only respond if you have to but if it's "how are you?" type small talk then ignore it. If she gets mad then good, that means she still cares. Anger isn't the opposite of love, indifference is. You have to act indifferent towards her now.

 

They game isn't over yet, not by a long shot so it's too soon to throw in the towel and give in to emotion. My wife had ran off with a wealth guy also (they spent 8 days in Hawaii, first class there and back) but it was after she was gone for about 3 months and ended up thinking about me the whole time she was gone.

 

No matter what your goal is, you have to stay with NC if anything to maintain your dignity and self-respect. It will show her you are strong enough to let her go and not be some pathetic and needy stalker. It will kill her inside if she thought you no longer cared about her and that's one of the things you need to keep in mind.

 

You have more power over her than you know (or she'll let you know). Stay strong and you may come out on top in the long run like I did.

[DazB]

It might help to remember that she is having her honeymoon phase of her new relationship NOW - whilst still getting over you (she will be on some level).

 

You have the oppurtunity to rebuild yourself and your life and you can meet someone new and go places, have fun and be as happy as you choose to be. 2 sayings come to mind

 

Those who laugh last laugh loudest

 

and

 

All good things come to those who wait

 

 

[Tanzi]

97% of affairs (rebounds) end within 2 years and those that marry their affair partner have a 75% divorce rate.

 

Indeed. My ex-husband ended his relationship before they even got to the two year mark ... but not before she had spent all his money lol.

[Lastchallenge]

Awsome advice!!! I'm glad I opened this thread!!! Thanks for the inspiration guys

thank you ... I think this works on any level

[woodst0ck]

First of all, thank you for all your replies. It means a great deal to me. I do accept what you are all saying, it's just so very hard for me to see it (does make me feel better though as did the hug... thanks Jellybaby, I needed one

 

I could understand if she was like this because I was an axe murderer or I had run over her dog (the dog was above me on the food chain) but she left because she wanted more out of life and I didn't provide this. I admit, I have been a little depressed lately but that's because I lost my mother and a job I loved. I never took it out on her though. I would have got over it in time.

 

However, where this total abandonment comes from... I have no idea. I have spent half my life with this woman and she's now so different to the person I knew, she's either an alien duplicate or I never knew her at all.

 

I wish I could be sure that inside that callous fascade I see now, she still does care and that she's hurting but I can't see it. Perhaps that will change but moving on from here, I won't be waiting around. I'm not going to be second best.

 

It would be SO much better if I didn't love her but I do and I can't do anything about that. The loneliness is crippling as I live in a small village hundreds of miles from my nearest friends. They have been great, I talk to them on Ventrillo but at the end of the day, I still have to go to a cold and empty bed.

 

I am moving on and I do feel better every day but this is such a major hurdle.

 

PS... she's just emailed me to say that her horse has something seriously wrong with it and it maybe that she can never ride him again so she's really worried. She also asked me how I was and said that she would call in one night this week to pick up her spare car key. I replied that I was very sorry about the horse (I helped her buy it 10 years ago and I'm very fond of him) but I said nothing about how I was doing.

 

 

She told me when we broke up that she hated New Years eve because she looked back on the year and she had done nothing... the way I'm feeling now, I'm going to tell her that next New Year's eve, she can look back and say that she's been on holiday, found a rich bloke who gives her a good seeing to and she's destroyed someone who's loved her for half their lives Seriously though... feel tempted to say something... without pleading for anything. I certainly need to say I cannot be friends with her any longer. Any advice on how to put it?

[matador1972]

I was where you were 4-5 months ago Woodstock, its a horrible place, no doubt about it.

 

5 months later my ex is seeing a rich guy who splashes money about, and while it makes me feel a little strange, (i understand how you feel it is devaluing you), im in a happy place myself and i know im better off without her. My situation was similar, i had been with my ex for half my life, she left me for the same reasons your partner left you.

 

The hardest is coming to terms with it, but when you do, you will get your confidence back, i am having the time of my life right now, and even 3 months ago, i never thought id be happy again. Dont make the mistakes i made though, i let her drag me through hoops playing ball with her, i should have cut her off from the start and left myself in no contact, its only now that i dont care whether she contacts me or not, i find her contacting me more about silly things, but the ship has sailed.

 

You will get better, it will get better, its hard to see now, i was really low when i split, i considered suicide, but its turned out to be the best thing thats ever happened to me, and im sure you will find the same mate in time, hang in there, people said to me "you will get over it" i never believed them, but they were right.

 

In your corner.

[sidehop]

Seriously though... feel tempted to say something... without pleading for anything. I certainly need to say I cannot be friends with her any longer. Any advice on how to put it?

 

Well you did an awesome job by being polite about her horse, that's definitely difficult but somewhere in that conversation she's trying to get a reaction out of you. You're the one going through this pain. I'm sure you realize if you say anything out spite about her current b/f it'll only empower her. Keep the NC, when she comes over to get her spare keys, just be busy and get her out of your place as soon as possible. If anything just tell her you have other plans & you'll leave the spare key somewhere by the door. It'll make her wonder, want to know, the same feeling you're going through right now. Stay strong

[woodst0ck]

Well you did an awesome job by being polite about her horse, that's definitely difficult but somewhere in that conversation she's trying to get a reaction out of you. You're the one going through this pain. I'm sure you realize if you say anything out spite about her current b/f it'll only empower her. Keep the NC, when she comes over to get her spare keys, just be busy and get her out of your place as soon as possible. If anything just tell her you have other plans & you'll leave the spare key somewhere by the door. It'll make her wonder, want to know, the same feeling you're going through right now. Stay strong

 

 

Thank you, that's good advice and I'll take it. I don't want to use NC as a technique to get her back, I realise that I have to do it to give me room to grow.

 

I'm still in a bit of a quandry over the whole thing. I've come a long way in the last six weeks but I do know I have further to go. I can see a future without her but I have to admit to myself that I still love her. I don't think I will ever get that 20 years of closeness out of my system and I know that love will never go away but at the same time, I know I will be able to love someone else when the time is right.

 

I hope it will be her but in the meantime, I have to love her enough to wish her all the best.

 

Unfortunately, another complication has set in. My brother in law and his family has turned against her. They're shocked the way my wife has behaved and won't support her anymore. I really didn't want this to happen and have told them that a family split won't help but my sister in law is particularly furious.

 

Omg, this is turning into a real soap opera.

[woodst0ck]

Well, she's coming round tonight to pick up a few things. She knows I generally raid in WoW on a Thursday so at least it gives me an excuse not to talk to her. I would of course bow out of the raid but probably not a good idea judging by some of the suggestions in this thread... notably Sidehops and Rob's.

 

It will be so difficult to not say anything, I finally appreciate the benefits that NC can bring. How the hell can I appear indifferent? Love is certainly blind in my case