Jealous about girlfriend's previous hookups

[perth_man87]

Hi. I've been going out with my girlfriend for almost 6 months now but something has been bugging me. We are both 17 and I feel really... babyish... for not getting over this quick smart but here's the story.

 

She has been with 3 other guys before me that privately make me feel very jealous. Her first boyfriend was for all of a few hours and they "didn't do anything more than hold hands". This doesn't bother me much.

 

But she said that she has had 2 hookups before me. These weren't "serious" hookups, as in they didn't involve anything other than making out.

But knowing about these hurt me somehow. She is my first girlfriend but not my first crush. Most of the girls I'm interested in are like me- quietish, kind and not over the top when you're trying to be funny. And that was how I knew her until she told me all these. She didn't really seem the party type but hearing about these two other boys just hurts.

 

I have a kind of... inferiority complex. I've been a bit stupid in my lovelife (look up "components" on "limerence" on Wikipedia- I would say I had all of that except for fainting ect) and got rejected a lot of times which really put me down hard. I barely ever felt good about myself and it was only until we started going out that I felt good again. But knowing she has been... popular with the guys (there's more but would make this an even longer story) just upsets me somehow.

 

She doesn't talk about them much as she picked up that I don't like talking about it. But whenever it floats into my mind it hurts again. Whenever someone uses the word "hookup" it hurts.

 

I know this sounds really stupid (and knowing the feeling is stupid makes it feel worse) but does anyone have any ideas to ease my mind about it? Something to make me feel ok about them? I love her but I really want to get this feeling gone.

 

Thanks.

[yonkeehoi]

Pdog - It is symptomatic of youth. You are completely normal - including tons of self doubt/self worth issues and jealousy. It goes away as you mature but a couple things you can do to kick it sooner is to realize that 'you choose' what you think. Choose to think of other things when this crap comes to mind. Be patient with yourself and soon you'll realize you're able to keep these kinds of thoughts at bay. Keep yourself physically strong - participate in some activity that 'exhausts' you completely and with that comes an endorphin rush and sense of wellbeing which boosts your self confidence. You'll be perfectly fine. Hang in there.

[perth_man87]

Pdog - It is symptomatic of youth. You are completely normal - including tons of self doubt/self worth issues and jealousy. It goes away as you mature but a couple things you can do to kick it sooner is to realize that 'you choose' what you think. Choose to think of other things when this crap comes to mind. Be patient with yourself and soon you'll realize you're able to keep these kinds of thoughts at bay. Keep yourself physically strong - participate in some activity that 'exhausts' you completely and with that comes an endorphin rush and sense of wellbeing which boosts your self confidence. You'll be perfectly fine. Hang in there.

 

Wow thankyou so much! That was exactly what I needed to hear. I try to think of other things when it comes over me but it gets fairly difficult (I mostly get the feeling when we are apart). However, I found this "Relax with Andrew Johnson (the "lite" version which is free)" application for my iPod Touch. It's a pretty standard sort of meditation thing, i.e. breathing and feeling heavier ect. But that really helped the last time I used it.

 

I also do some Martial Arts which is very fitness-based. It exhausts me like you said and that helps too.

 

But thankyou so much for saying that. I really needed some confirmation and some self-belief and you gave it to me.

[catfeeder]

Your feelings are natural, and I think you may have learned why it's important to make your own rule against talking about your past sexual behavior or allowing a GF to talk about hers, either. Your sexual discussions should be limited to your current relationship and include STD testing, birth control, and openness about how to know if you're ready to have sex with one another and continued talk about your experiences together.

 

Talking about past relationships is manipulative, while talking about the one you're in is crucial.

[perth_man87]

Your feelings are natural, and I think you may have learned why it's important to make your own rule against talking about your past sexual behavior or allowing a GF to talk about hers, either. Your sexual discussions should be limited to your current relationship and include STD testing, birth control, and openness about how to know if you're ready to have sex with one another.

 

Talking about past relationships is manipulative, while talking about the one you're in is crucial.

 

 

Yeah there was one time a few weeks or so ago when we were texting (we both have 1c texts and prefer that to talking on the phone) and somehow we got onto the subject of hookups and she said they were "fun". Now in my head I was almost screaming "I DONT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT", but I just tried to change the subject. I suppose everyone puts their foot in their mouth every once in a while and I don't think she tried to hurt my feelings.

 

We do talk a lot about everything you said there, birth control ect, which is good- it's not awkward at all.

 

I like that last line of yours: "Talking about past relationships is manipulative, while talking about the one you're in is crucial."

[perth_man87]

Yeah it is a bit like that for me too. Her other relationships make me feel small. But lately I haven't been having that problem lately so hopefully it's what everyone has said on here.

[Theblueman123]

If she's a virgin then really you shouldn't have to worry about making out and such. Trust me, you're lucky to find a virgin and you should try to stay with her as long as possible.

[perth_man87]

If she's a virgin then really you shouldn't have to worry about making out and such. Trust me, you're lucky to find a virgin and you should try to stay with her as long as possible.

 

Well we are both 17 and both aren't virgins any more having been with each other, but sex isn't really all that I'm with her for.

[Lucius]

It almost seems as though you feel less special, somehow, knowing that your girlfriend has liked someone (or some few) before you. As though, realizing that you're not the only person who could move her, attract her, or interest her, you feel as though her affection for you is thereby lessened. So that's one thing. The other is that, given you have something of an inferiority complex, you've now placed yourself (within your own mind) at the bottom of a kind of heirarchy - where the other two guys (or three, or however many) sit above you in the emotional pecking order (so to speak). You may know that this is not true, so far as your girl is concerned, but because you feel badly about yourself, you shuffle that heirarchy accordingly.

 

If that rings at all true, then consider the following. The key to overcoming these feelings is twofold. One, believe in the generosity of your girlfriend's heart. She can love you immensely, even though she was also able to like these other boys at one time. Two, believe in your own unique awesomeness. This great girl likes you for a reason, after all! By bearing these perspectives in mind, and by being patient with yourself, you will more than likely find that your insecurity will fade as time passes and these new attitudes become your custom.

 

Good luck.

[perth_man87]

That's exactly it Lucius. Now my problems have kind of developed though… I'm getting mixed messages from her a bit. She had said at the start of our relationship that she wasn't really the emotional type. I said at the time that that was ok because what I was feeling right then was very strong for her. Now it feels like a lot of the time she is just indifferent towards me. Every now and again I feel something from her but it really feels like I'm giving my all and I'm doting on her but not receiving much in return. I don't feel like I'm smothering her and it's never seemed like she has felt that way so I don't think that's it. Should I just straight out say to her what I feel, or am I expecting too much? She said she feels as though she has lost friends because she doesn't show she cares- whether or not this is the case I have no idea but sometimes I feel a bit unloved.

[Philos]

I have the same feelings as you, being 23 and only ever in one long relationship where we entered both virgins. Reading this thread has helped me prepare for my next relationship, with whomever or whenever. Thanks.

 

I was worried that whoever I'd meet next could have potentially been with as many as 10+ partners from reading various posts on these forums, most of them out of relationships. I feel now that I should never ask or try to know how many, just that they're STD free and hopefully had sex only in relationships.