Where is my mind?

[Ghost Cat]

I've been in a strong loving relationship for almost three years, I'm 22 years old and I'm busy concentrating on my university studies. The new school year has begun (I'm in Aus) and I don't know where my head is.

 

Lately I can't seem to stop thinking about a friend who works at uni. He's definitely not my type in terms of physical attraction, but I just love spending time with him like no one else (right up there with my boyfriend). I feel special when he talks to me, we seem to open up to each other, he's a good listener. Oh and he's exceptionally nice and respectful. No one has a bad thing to say about him.

 

This past week I've been thinking of him non-stop, even losing sleep over him. I imagine us as a couple, but then when I'm with him there doesn't seem to be any sexual attraction - it's so confusing and frustrating. What do I really want out of the situation? What am I pursuing?

 

I'm just losing my mind over it...the idea of not seeing him for a few days fills me with dread and I always check facebook to see if he's written to me. As I wrote before he is exceptionally nice and knows my boyfriend. He's the type of guy who would never intervene in someone else's relationship, and would never hurt anyone close to him. Having said that there is no evidence whatsoever that he has the same feelings for me. He probably just thinks I'm a good listener.

 

Amongst all this I still love my partner, we're still the same, still loving and having the same conversations about mutual things that interest us. I do love him for all that he is...but then why am I thinking so much about someone else?

[FlareHeart]

 

However, in response to the OP, I think you need to truly examine what you want out of your relationships. Not every relationship has to be sex driven. It is very natural to become attracted to someone who makes you feel good, it is your own mind making a bond with someone who is good for you.

 

If I were you, I would examine very thoroughly who I would want to spend the rest of my life with (hypothetically) and then whoever seems the most appealing for "forever" would be the one that I would choose to be with. If that person is not your current b/f then I would suggest sitting down and explaining the situation to him.

 

I hope it all works out for you.

[shessofly]

if you value your relationship with your boyfriend i would suggest you limit contact (or cut) with this friend of yours before you go any further. does your boyfriend not do all the things this friend does such as being a good listener, respectful, etc.? you seem to be painting the picture for us that he's such a wonderful person. you don't need to be spending all this time with someone you've become attracted to while you are in a relationship.

 

what about your boyfriend? you should feel special, since he's chosen you for the past three years. think about what you are doing and potentially giving up if you carry on this relationship and continue building intimate moments with this friend of yours.

 

but if you must pursue the relationship make sure you break up with the boyfriend first, and don't string him along while you explore your other option.

[Ghost Cat]

Yeah I'm choosing to ignore Tazmo's comment...though I must admit he's quite skilled at writing fragments.

 

I think, as warped as this sounds, I look up at to this other guy as a brother-figure, but then my thoughts stray and I think it must be something more, even if it isn't - I'm a bit of a dreamer who tends to make things bigger than they are, but it's strange how this guy is really penetrating my subconscious (he's starting to appear in my dreams).

 

Of course I love my boyfriend very much, I live with him and tell him practically everything (I wrote 'practically' because I haven't mentioned any of my first post to him). He's my first serious relationship and we've been through so much together already. I'm not prepared to leave him. I just started this post as a way of analysing why my mind is wandering, and whether anyone has experienced anything similar.

[shessofly]

i personally think it's a natural 'danger' that comes with having close friendships with the opposite sex. you just have to learn to control it or limit contact if you don't really want to act upon your impulses. i can't offer much more advice, except that if you truly want to keep your relationship with your boyfriend together you'll have to make a conscious effort to do so, by not daydreaming so much about this new guy. actual dreams are out of our control, but i do believe if you think about and daydream about someone/thing often, of course it can influence your subconscious mind. that's not so 'strange' in my opinion.

[lostandhurt]

Fantasy is just that. Maybe because you know this guy would never make a move on you it makes it more appealing. Refocus your attention to your bf and why you love him so much and why he loves you. In life there will be a great many times when this might come up. What we do about it is the core of our character.

There is no reason you can't have male friends ( I am assuming this has never happened before) as long as you can see things in reality not fantasy. There are low life guys that will not care if you are in a relationship, they will take advantage of a girl that is a little confused over her feelings and then help her make a huge mistake. Be wary of these guys.

Your young and still learning about all kinds of relationships and this is just another lesson as you grow as a person. You are not alone, it happens to all kinds.

 

Lost

[Mauxly]

You are in the fog. This does not make you a bad person, but it puts you in a very dangerous place.

 

Please read the following articles (especially the first one) with your eyes and heart wide open!

 

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[arcadefire]

My strong advice is to stop seeing him. Slowly see him less and spend all the time you see your friend with your boyfriend. I don't think this fantasy is worth losing a three year loving relationship over.

[Baily]

Sounds like you are ready to take the step over the line...

 

you know it's wrong, but thinking it still...at least you haven't acted upon it....and that's HUGE.

 

The ability to have friends of the opposite sex without sex getting involved is very hard...but AWESOME when accomplished. You will prove to yourself that you CAN do this and it'll last you a lifetime of happiness...

 

...if you fail and give in you will not trust yourself...you will lose the trust of the partner and eventually this 'romance' of the other person will die...plus you will lose his friendship.

 

...you can have it all...your boyfriend...a good cool friend and your respect

 

or

 

...a quick fling that will catch up with you.

 

the beauty of this life is that you have the choice...but don't ever say no one told you.