Advice on NC if you have kids?

[aylancf]

If this was already posted somewhere else, my apologies and I would appreciate the link.

 

I decided that NC would be better than what I have been doing which was:

 

-calling him crying on the phone asking why he doesn't love me anymore

-texting him throughout the day everytime I had a panic attack

-emailing him with trivial small things to do with the kids

 

All of these things never made me feel better, in fact, often they would make me feel worse when I heard "Grow up and get over it, I don't love you anymore" over and over. Last Wednesday night I signed onto this forum and decided that NC was the only way I was going to be able to get through this.

 

I am now onto Day 3 of NC.

 

Problem is, I know that on Friday I have to arrange to bring my children (3 boys) back to his place. He lost his license last year in a DUI so I am constantly having to do all the driving EVERYWHERE, including to our old house where I see the tire tracks in the driveway daily from the 22 year old he is now with (but that's another story).

 

Has anyone had to deal with this? Is there any advice in the NC situation? I know I can't completely break contact (obviously) but I'm afraid that next time I have to make contact I will fall back into the same old habits. Ugh...I just want to be better already.

[Clabs]

Hun - this is going to be a tough road because you are not afforded the "luxury" of not contacting him.

 

I know how much it sucks but you must try and separate your partners and parenal roles. Keep things to business - drop the boys off and then get the hell away as soon as you can. You can have a good cry afterwards if you need to - I know I did!

 

This no contact larky does not apply - contacting him about the boys is fine but try to not contact him about your emotions and feelings.

 

Hope this helps hun. It will get easier, I can promise you that, and you will likely soon realise you are well out of this. His drinking is a real concern and is a slippery slope. Let someone else deal with that fallout.

 

Just keep your eyes wide open in case there are any alcohol related incidents that affect the boys - ok??

 

Mark

[Tanzi]

Yes. I have. My ex-husband left me and our 3 girls for another woman. I never pleaded for him to come back as I knew it was useless but I would send him texts that he would often refer to as essays ... and often ignore. It can't be helped in the beginning. I doubt there isn't anyone who hasn't acted like this at the beginning of a distressing break-up.

 

You will feel better one day but I understand where you are now and I understand how difficult it is ... but for now you have to learn to cope with the interaction you have to have with your ex and trying to hold it together while you are feeling crap inside.

 

When you feel yourself getting wound up by your ex, remind yourself that by pleading, crying and texting it didn't make you feel any better, especially when he told you to grow up and to get over it. You don't want to hear him say that again do you? So show him you have got over it. It is surprising how much better it actually makes you feel by putting on this persona ... you actually start believing it yourself ... not to mention getting a kick out of it when your ex starts wondering where your new found happiness has come from.

 

Keep all contact to a minumum. Only contact him if it is really necessary (ie. the children, finance) and keep all conversations short and on track.

 

I know this isn't much but I hope it helps.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

When you find yourself feeling sad and desperate to have him back that you are tempted to contact him for reasons other than important matters with your children, take a deep breath and do the following: Remember what kind of person he is...someone who is irresponsible not only to his wife (not sure if you are married) and children, but also to himself. He is a drinker who has a DUI conviction...great role model for his children! He walks out on mom to be with some young hot chick 12 or so years his junior...once again, a great role model for his children! Look at what a loser he really is and ask yourself, "do I really need this kind of man as my partner!"

[Jetta]

Okay I've done the partial NC thing and it does help to get over the heartache. The best way to do a partial NC is to NOT contact them at all except in relation to the child(ren). Meet in a public place to do the exchange and make it fast no lingering. Act like you have business to attend to, eventually it'll become a habit. It's never easy to see that they've moved on especially if you haven't, so break away as much as you can from him now.

[aylancf]

Wow! Thanks everyone. This is all really good information. I knew I could never go full on NC but it kind of helped just telling myself I wasn't going to do the unnecessary stuff.

 

I don't know how I'm going to get through this but I suppose it will get better like everyone keeps telling me.