Can't Control My Thoughts, Hurting

[Jabbe]

We've been divorced for about 4 months now. I've been through every aspect of emotion you can think of. She abused me and was the most insecure selfish person anyone could ever meet. I know she was not the one for me.

 

I've been having dreams about her for the last week and can't control my thoughts of her possibly being with someone else. It's like my mind is hijacked. She abused and mistreated me, so where are my feelings of guilt coming from? I just wanted it to work, and my heart says it still can. After all I went through, I never believed in quitting. It's like there's a false hope that she could change and that we could be together again and everything would be fine. My heart wants to try bargaining. I know I can't do this to myself, but my emotions have consumed me once again.

 

I cried yesterday telling myself that she wasn't the one and I can do better. After that I was just fine feeling like I had finally beaten the whole thing. Now it feels like we're supposed to be together.

[WomanWriter]

Oh, I feel your pain! Abuse is like that, I am learning. You will always tend to feel a bit of guilt, maybe for feeling so angry. Also for feeling like you weren't good enough to work things out. I feel this way about my parents and now my boyfriend.

 

You have to work on your self-esteem. It is sooo hard, but you must. Sometimes it means being alone for a while. I was starting to feel pretty good about myself after a year apart from my ex fiance. I had started eating better, exercising, making new friends, joining the church, new activities. Then I met my boyfriend and things have gone down hill since then. I feel that my past family baggage is coming up and I feel PTSD again.

 

As for controlling your thoughts, it helps if you are focused on something else. I recall that helping me get through the last year. It also helps to go for a walk with some music and just let the thoughts come and go. Pay attention to what's around you so you can take it in. When you get a thought, just let it pass. Then let your mind focus somewhere else. It is hard, but it can get easier.

 

Maybe some people can recommend books?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It is very difficult to wrap your head around the notion that someone can be just plain cruel. You know in your heart that she is not relationship material and will behave the same way with whomever comes next. The thing is it is hard to accept that someone can be so awful, so the mind still tries to convince itself that this was all a bad dream that her behaviour was an anomaly, not really the true her, and that you will wake up one day and there she will be, the wonderful person she was when you first got together. Sadly, that wonderful person was the anomaly..the REAL her was the nasty piece of work she morphed into once she had you hooked. The nightmare her was the real her...the sweet person was the imaginary her. It will take a while to reconcile this in your mind. Part of the problem is the horrible, sinking feeling that someone can do this to you, treat you like this, have no regard for your feelings at all. That is probably more of the pain you are feeling than the actual loss of her. It is like going through a traumatic experience where your whole world and ideas of how things should be and how people should be gets completely blown apart. This blowing apart of your sense of what people should be is why the pain cuts so deep. Remember that someone who treats you badly is not worth wanting back.

[Jabbe]

Writer, I do need to get out and exercise more on top of trying to occupy myself with other things. I have been wanting to read books and try to learn another language. I do feel down on myself too.

[Jabbe]

CAD, you're right about that too. I couldn't believe that she turned out to be so selfish and cruel. I still don't want to believe it either, but I have to move on. I feel betrayed and can't believe what she put me through without a single apology. It hurts so much. It's like I just want to lay in bed all day and shut the world out.

 

I gave everything I could, and have to keep telling myself she wasn't the one. It's her bday on top of this, and there are thoughts of her happy without me and her not knowing that she lost someone as special as me. No one will put up with her the way I did, so it's her loss. She'll see that soon enough. It's not my concern.

[KittyBoo]

CrazyAboutDogs, you so often hit the nail right on the head with your advice to all of us. Thank you for sharing your perspective.

[WomanWriter]

I do think exercise helps. It is cliche, but since it has been raining here everyday, I have not been exercising anymore and I FEEL it. It makes sooo much a difference. You start feeling like you do have some control over your life and that it is up to you to take care of yourself. I was really proud of myself last year for losing 30 pounds. I am a binge eater and it just took faith and steady work to wean myself off of some of my favorite foods. It was VERY hard and I vented here all the time, as I still do. But gradually, I changed to a healthy lifestyle (for the most part). Now I am losing that lifestyle again. I can see the difference.

 

So yes, please do exercise if you can find a way. You can do it in your house. A book that is helping me right now is called Fire Up Your Metabolism by Lyssie and Tammy Lakatos. It gives little tips for you to take to improve your energy, which improves your mood and everything else.

 

I think you have to set some goals for yourself and small steps. It helps to make a list of what you'd like to accomplish this year and just choose small steps towards those goals. I am going to take my own advice and do that again myself! It really does work.

 

It makes so much difference when you feel better about yourself. When you feel good, you realize that you deserve good things. I am not in that state at the moment, but I have experienced it and it makes a world of difference. You see things in a different way. The abuser may seem appealing when you feel down on yourself, but in a different light, you just feel pity, not anger.

[Jabbe]

Thanks so much for the advice! I went bowling tonight. It was great, but I kept zoning out thinking about what it would be like if she was there, then that sick feeling would come back.

 

Now, I've just been calling all of the people I haven't spoken to in awhile. (sigh) I know this will get easier, so I'll be sure to eat right and jog daily. My fortune cookie read "Time heals all wounds." I know it's just a cookie, but it was so appropriate, lol!

 

Most of what lead to this is me finding out 2 days ago that she's been hacking my email since last April. Wish I would've brought that up sooner. Maybe I'll post it separately another time.

[No1]

Jabbe... First off, sorry about your heartbreak. But at the same time, you know its over, its done, so you can move forward instead of spinning wheels. You realize she is not for you, and there is better, so on that note on those times you feel down and you think of her, if I may suggest.

 

When you first think of your X, the brain will want to process, and it will start expending energy, it will think of the past, what you could of done, it will analyze memories and try to make sense of the situation and that will result in pain and hurt for you. So it is important for you to identify when the first thoughts of your X enters your mind, realize it is there and before your brain can start doing its thing, you have to let the feel flow out of you. You said you cant control your thoughts and I am saying you can.

When she enters your mind, you start to breathe nice and deep. Nice and slow, dont think of the thought, dont process the thought, dont think why is she here in my mind, all you do is let it go with every exhale you do. Accept the thought is there, contain it, and let it flow right out of you. With every exhale actually picture and feel the feeling moving right out of you. You might have to do this for a while at first until you get it down pat, but it does work. Relax, breathe in, hold it, then exhale slowly. You can control your thoughts, and watch, within a few days, youll be and expert at it..

[Jabbe]

Thanks. I'm gonna keep trying this. I've been to counselling in the past to try dealing with left-field emotions while I was in school. She taught me a ritual as to where you do something such as write their name on a piece of paper, say what you need to say, then destroy it. For about 5 minutes I'm free.

 

I'll do the breathing exercises, take care of myself and look into dating this spring. She was my first real love and relationship, and I guess I need to prove to my heart that there's more fish in the sea rather than repeat certain things to myself.

[No1]

Thanks. I'm gonna keep trying this. I've been to counselling in the past to try dealing with left-field emotions while I was in school. She taught me a ritual as to where you do something such as write their name on a piece of paper, say what you need to say, then destroy it. For about 5 minutes I'm free.

 

I'll do the breathing exercises, take care of myself and look into dating this spring. She was my first real love and relationship, and I guess I need to prove to my heart that there's more fish in the sea rather than repeat certain things to myself.

 

The first ones are always the hardest to take. But its not impossible to get over. Youll see there is many more adventures in love heading your way. Smile okay. She is not the only or the last girl to enter your life. She will be one of many who will give you happiness. Just close this chapter of your life and start a new one. With a new girl, but first, before you can find another princess, you must be a happy, positive guy.. Youll be just fine my friend.

[Jabbe]

Thanks, I'm sure you're right. I actually feel in a positive mood now. I read my journal last night going back to the dates of my marriage. Seeing all the pain and anguish I went through for her actually put a smile on my face because I found that she doesn't deserve me at all and that I should be even more happy that she's no longer part of my life. I'm glad I kept a journal of those events.

 

The bargaining phase came out of nowhere for me, and looking back at things like that prevents me from contacting her. My heart and mind are on two different pages, but it's my mind that will lead me to ending this.

 

I start my new job tomorrow and can't wait to make new friends! Thank you!

[No1]

just keep positive, you will have your good days and bad days. Dont let the bad days bog you down, they will pass. Just enjoy the good days, and relax, think positive, you know you will okay, you are going to be alright. There is life after her. And youll find happiness again..