Boyfriend's female friend - should I have been jealous?

[Scout]

Hi - actually, it's my ex boyfriend now, but this issue was one of the first things we fought about and I want to know if I was paranoid & created a problem, or had a genuine right to feel his friendship was inappropriate.

 

A month into our relationship, he mentioned he was good friends with a girl who is 20 years old - he's 32. He said she was like a little sister to him, and he had been friends with her since she moved to town three years ago (so his friendship started up with her when she was 17!) and she's the niece of a buddy of his who asked him to watch over her. Well, then it turns out she's actually one of his partying buddies. Also, she has a boyfriend who is much older than she is, 30 years old. So she's obviously attracted to older guys. I had never met her, but for some reason had a bad feeling about this girl. I was totally uncomfortable with the fact that my boyfriend hung out alone with a girl 15 years younger than me, and partied with her, too. One day, my boyfriend asked me to go to a party she was throwing for her boyfriend. I said I didn't want to go. He asked why and I told him I didn't approve of the friendship. He got very angry, said she had been his friend far longer than he'd known me, he wasn't going to give up his friendship with her, and that he had to go to the party because her boyfriend thought my boyfriend didn't like him.

 

So now I was really suspicious - why would her boyfriend think that? It all sounded stupid and full of drama and I still refused to go to the party. We actually broke up for several days over this, got back together, and then had other problems down the road, and permanently broke up. This issue was the one that set everything off, though. He told me recently that he had actually told her I was jealous, and she told him she didn't need to put up with that. Again, proving to me that this girl is immature and definitely not on my team.

 

I would really appreciate feedback from both males and females on this issue. Particularly whether you think there is a certain line people need to draw in their friendships with others of the opposite sex when they are in a relationship with someone else. Also, do you think it was weird he hung out with someone so much younger? Was I overly jealous? I'm open to all perspectives. Thanks, this has been bothering me for some time.

[mandylee4christ]

I had a friend who was 35 and at the time I was 19. He was in all honesty a friend. He asked me for advice about his girlfriend and I actually helped him decorate his house and stuff. There's nothing wrong with two mature people of significantly differently ages to hang out and be friends.

[tiger_lilies]

I would've been suspious as well. But I think I would've liked to have met her. Kinda like "keep your enemies close"? If I saw overboard flirting, then I would've raised a hugh fuss.

 

ASking your b/f to stop being friends with someone, whoever that may be, can be very threatening to him. He wanted you to be at her pary, which shows that he wanted you there WITH him. Your refusal to go, shows that you are not interested in his life or his friends. I'm sure that hurt him to a certain degree.

[Scout]

Thanks for the posts. Regarding the first ones, I did not feel this was a mature girl for several reasons, thus was not comfortable with his friendship with her. Tiger lily, I was very interested in his life, but again, did not feel comfortable going to this girl's party especially after my boyfriend told me her boyfriend thought mine didn't like him. It seemed like there was already some kind of stupid game in place, and I wanted nothing to do with it. But I agree that I probably should have at least scoped the situation out. I'm looking forward to hearing other posts about this situation.

[Scout]

Mandylee, another thing I disagree with is my boyfriend going to another woman asking for advice about our relationship, and worse, what my boyfriend actually did: told her I was jealous of her! I think its very odd to ask the advice of someone who is over a decade younger than both of us are.

[ScorpGrl72]

What if the situation was just a bit different. As in ....... sayshe was really a younger sister who he found to give him pretty solid and useful advice. It almost sounds like he looks to her as a younger sister. I know it can be hard to accept that your bf could had confided in someone so much younger that seemed immature, but maybe she wasn't like that when it came to talking to him.

 

Just some thoughts!!

[Cecelius]

I'm a man about 32 and if he's hanging around with someone that young, my guess is there was something a little bigger than sororital friendliness.

 

At any rate, did you have reason to suspect him of anything untoward generally?

[Scout]

Well, when we first argued about it, I said I thought it was strange, and I wondered if he would be paying so much attention to her if she was unattractive. (not having seen her before). He immediately replied that she was "hot". Than he had her picture on his refrigerator (although she was with her boyfriend) and that was the only pic on the fridge. She was dressed very sexy in the picture, a strapless dress...I admit right now I was jealous before either of these details came up, though. It's more that I just had never dated anyone before who hung out on a regular basis with a girl so much younger than him. I didn't like it, and yes I felt threatened. As it turned out, he refused to address that and basically was one of, although not the main, reason we broke up. So I feel like if he really had loved me, he would have tried to understand why I felt it was inappropriate, instead he would just get really angry and defensive.

[Cecelius]

To a certain extent, he may have felt boxed in ("no one's going to tell me what to do...") and had no choice but to fight. Also, the person who is doing the vaguely inappropriate thing usually has the harder time seeing the issue because they know nothing is going on there whereas you do not, which is why the whole thing may just be silly to him.

 

On the other hand, I have a friend who was dumped because she was still semi-friends with a guy she cheated on her b/f with. Its all relative.

 

What if she were older but still attractive? Did they hang out alone?

[Scout]

Celius, that's exactly how he felt, and I understood that, but at the same time, I was angered that he refused to budge one inch on this. It was obviously causing me a great deal of stress, and he kind of went out of his way to make me feel worse about it. For example, telling her how I felt, I mean that was such a violation of confidientality I think, going to the very girl I was stressing about and than coming back and telling me she said he shouldn't put up with it. She is very lucky we have not met, because I am very upset about that. Yes, they hang out alone, and do lunch together, too, things like that.

 

If she was older and attractive, I would still feel jealous to an extent, but I would have hidden it and gone to the party. I just feel that he's leading a very irresponsible life in many ways, and hanging out with someone so much younger is a real indicator of his immaturity.

[Scout]

sorry, Cecelius - not the other way I spelled it.

[Cecelius]

Then as hard as it is, I think you did the right thing. There are some things that if you have to work hard to convince someone of, they were not of the right character frame of mind to have thought of it your way. How many more things in the course of a relationship with him would you have had to put up with if this is an example?

[Scout]

You're right. You gave me some insightful advice in your posts, thanks. I know I have a tendency to be on the jealous side, though, and I still wonder: what kinds of friendships with the opposite sex are appropriate when you're in a relationship? And how much should you be talking with them about your significant other? It makes me uneasy that someone else's words could make a decisive impact on my relationship.

 

What does everyone think?

[woopsydaisy]

Hi scout ive been following your post..and the replys you have got..and it seemed like your ex was being a bit insensitive...but then again he knew her before you ..anyway.Your questions about boundaries i have been wondering this myself..i think its perfectly healthy to have opposite sex friends that you can talk to..but i dont think it is very healthy that they should go discussing with them relationship problems..but then again isnt that what friends are for?..but because of the opposite sex i think you people need to be a bit carefull.If there partner finds out that they have been discussing intimate things about the relationship..there partner is bound to have warning signs going off in there head.

But i suppose its all about honesty as well..for example a man or woman can either say to their partner about their friend of the opposite sex and straight away their partner will jump to conclusions or make a comment..leading for things not to be said in the future.. a case of if you carnt handle the truth ( as in just being friends) it would be the partners problem.I suppose its all about boundaries and of course trust..i would rather my partner tell me to truth to find out that they might be hidding a relationship from me.Everyone is diffrent and their is no right or wrong but i only think that its natural to be a bit cautious of the opposite sex friend ..or is that just been paranoid..so many questions!!...so many answers!!.