Help - I Want to be more than just friends!

[michell1]

Hi ENA. I have to confess, I have been reading these for a while. I got such strength reading the different advice and perspectives everyone has posted. I feel ready to ask you for some advice I hope someone out there can help out!

 

Alright, I have been broken up with my ex for about 5 months. We were dating for 2.5 years. My ex called me and said that he could not continue our relationship (which was semi long distance--- we live 1.5 hrs away/both have careers during the week to focus on) because he didn't love me anymore. It had been a somewhat boring couple months leading up to that beforehand, but I had no idea he felt all the passion was gone. He said he wanted me as a good friend still.

 

I met with him soon after one time to discuss in person (I initiated- to get closure! hello! phone break up!?!)

then I went NC for like 2 months. I did this instinctively, although I knew I wanted to talk to him and it was hard, I was very hurt and needed to heal, and I wanted him to reach out to me first.

 

During this time I went to the gym and talked to friends, my ex ex boyfriend who I am sort of friends with, and tried to cheer myself up. eventually he facebook messages me and asks how i am, and all these questions about my dog my friends and my work situation - i was promoted!)

 

I responded about 2 weeks later saying i am doing fine now, addressed what i thought were some issues in our relationship (communication lacking, empathy issues) and that it was important to learn from it all, and then kept it friendly and light.

 

we met up last weekend for coffee. I initally wanted to discuss the relationship, but i decided that it was not the right time. I thought the meet up went well and we were comfortable with each other, laughing and joking. I felt confident and happy with myself.

 

About a week later I realized I really think there is something there, I miss him and still am in love with him - he is such a wonderful man although I think he doesn't really know what he wants and can be insensitive at times.

 

I still care for this person, i think i would go crazy if i had to be "just friends." we are mesaging every weeks or so, but its the same friendly chit chat which is nice but drives me nuts! I fear I have been friendzoned or just put on hold. I want to meet up with him this weekend and just get together to see how it is a second time. I am also scared of pushing him away further. should i call him? text? should i go back n/c for a while? I feel I have grown so much, I realized what I want and need in a relationship, and I am a better person now than before. I just dont know about my ex, and I dont know what the best way to find out how he's feeling is. Or if he even knows how he is feeling!

 

 

Thanks for any advice.

[AJEDrew7]

Welcome! This is the way I look at it. He broke up with you for a reason. Obviously for him, the relationship wasn't right and he admitted he just wanted to be friends. It's clear to me that that's not something you want. You don't want to be friends with him. He may be dragging you on for the ride, keeping you on the back burner, but he could just genuinely want to be friends and that's it. To be the dumpee, you sit around thinking about what could have been different and what you can fix. But to the other person, the relationship may be irreparable and the feelings might not be there. As much as you reflect on what coulda woulda shoulda things aren't going to change unless he reaches out and wants them to be. You have to worry about yourself first though. Not that you need to put him behind you all together, but you need to be ready to move on with your life. I would suggest you go back to NC and not think about changing things, but think about the opportunities the future holds for you and just realize that things have a way of working themselves out even when you don't think they will.

[michell1]

thank you! I think NC is maybe a good thing to do. I guess I am anxious to just know if he has changed or if his feelings have changed at all. And we did have a good time when we met up last. I know he is not seeing anyone right now either. so you can see how badly i do want to meet up again! Also, its been about 5 months and we have been steadily emailing-- if i do decide to go NC for a while should i just not respond to his last one, or should I make it clear I need more time for a while?? hmm.

i feel terrible sometimes when i want more from our relationship. its also hard for me to tell from our messaging what parts of our relationship were friendship and what parts were more than that ( i mean in terms of our inside jokes/little things we said and did for each other/common interests we talked about.) i want to be honest with him, after all, even though he hurt me he was honest with me when he said his feelings were not the same as before.

[AJEDrew7]

I think you would know if his feelings have changed. If he wanted you back, I'm sure he would make it known to you. Spending time with you may mean something to you, but it may not to him. So, that really isn't a good indication even if you're having a good time with him. I would respond, let him know that you need some more time and that being just friends with him isn't the easiest thing for you and that maybe you can be friends down the road but for right now you need time to just move on. (Believe me, I tried being friends right after my relationship hoping that maybe she would change her mind and want to get back together and that has NOT worked out in my favor...it has taken me much longer to move on than it should have...)

[minou]

He reached out to you and you had a great time. See if it happens again. You never know. If you feel friendzoned for any extent of time, that's a different story, but at this point you really don't know. But definitely let the call come from him. If he calls again, it would be worth checking out for a bit. That's my opinion.

[Shnoodle]

I say do and don't go NC. Keep rocking your new life and leave him alone to live his, but don't ignore him when he contacts you. This is like his preview window in to how you've grown, sadly it's not always as simple as "I made a mistake and want you back!" the moment they reconnect with you.

[red.ribbon]

Why not organize to have dinner with him, if it isn't too painful? Just to gage whether there is something more there....

 

If you're strong enough to be around him just as a friend for a little while so you can see whether he wants more, I don't see why you can't give it a try?

[snoopydog]

I say do and don't go NC. Keep rocking your new life and leave him alone to live his, but don't ignore him when he contacts you. This is like his preview window in to how you've grown, sadly it's not always as simple as "I made a mistake and want you back!" the moment they reconnect with you.

yeah. this. don't go back into nc just yet. but if it was me i wouldnt declare my feelings either. let the friendship blossom.