Friend or My own foe?

[tattoobunnie]

It's always funny for me that late at night, I somehow can rationalize sending all lovey-dovey messages to my ex #2. That I do...and in the morning, the weight of that feeling diminishes. Perhaps my mind is set on other things, or the intensity of thought goes numb.

 

I spent most of the weekend with ex #1, who is technically my guy now. The one I spent all fall of 2008 writing about. The one who dropped me like a box of rocks, and is now treating me like a queen. From elaborate displays of things, to ring shopping, wining & dining and doting.

 

Ex #2 is under my skin. Is it because he doesn't want me back? Is it my way to slow things down with ex #1? Fear of commitment, or is it love? At this point...it seems to masochist. Ex #2 and I are still friends, and he initiates these efforts. While I've never been one to stay friends or even communicate with any ex...2010 is finding me completely opposite. I even know why he gets jealous...not because he wants me...for no good reason at all. And I'm still in awe of him.

 

Does this mean anything or nothing?

[tattoobunnie]

I don't know what I would tell myself...if I was a friend listening and responding. They both are not fly-by-night people...and I do not plan to treat either of them as such.

 

I just wanna know if people can relate. That it eventually goes poof.

[LoveSoDeep]

Are you afraid of commitment? I think that could be a real possibility here. It seems like ex #1 is ready to move things right along and you're resisting...you obviously still have feelings for #2. How much does #1 know about all this? I find it odd that he would be pushing forward like this if he knew you were still not sure....it doesn't seem fair to him.

[uhohlala]

I can at least relate insofar as my sanity seems to wane in the wee hours and I'm prone to phone calls or messages that I otherwise wouldn't undertake. Could very well have to do with tiredness leading to reduced inhibitions.

 

spent most of the weekend with ex #1, who is technically my guy now. The one I spent all fall of 2008 writing about. The one who dropped me like a box of rocks, and is now treating me like a queen. From elaborate displays of things, to ring shopping, wining & dining and doting.

 

That's quite a turnaround, isn't it? How lovely. But perhaps it feels too good to be true, on some level? Perhaps you don't fully trust ex #1's new attitude? I think I'd have a hard time believing it wasn't just a temporary phase. And there's Ex #2, encouraging you to put a couple of eggs in his basket, at least for the time being.

 

Or maybe you'd just like to stick it to ex #1 a bit, by keeping Ex #2 on the side for a while?

[tattoobunnie]

Ex #1 thoughts had been spent with me for the year we were a part...versus, mine were with ex #2 as we dated the whole year.

 

I mean...it's like being given cavier, and still finding the day-old fries completely appealing. It is the residual comfort. I know I have feelings for Ex #2, but I already know he's no good for me - relationship-wise. I think I stay yearning for him to keep that connection with me.

 

Ex #1 pushes forward because he's making the effort now; he's wooing...making good on his promises. It's not about him now, whereas the last six months of our prior relationship, that was the case.

 

It's the first year, I seem to have no plans or driven goals on a relationship note. On Sunday, after a lovely day with ex #1, I stop by ex #2s place to watch TV. He falls asleep, I leave, and it was nice.

 

I was trying to probe him on having a date on Saturday with someone, but he was being a tough nut about it. Hoping that with the openness of talking about dating others, we can move, or I can move forward knowing I can't look back. It's strange. A few years back, the soft mush I have become now.

 

Ex #2 had spent a few hours in the wee late night texting on Saturday how much Ex #1 was lame, and how awesome he himself was. I ask him why he did that, and he told me he was just bored and kidding around. Odd cuz he also did that on Friday.

 

Ex #1 knows #2 to be my friend. Ex #2 knows #1 is somewhere in the picture, but is dodging conversations about it.

[tattoobunnie]

Though...I think uhohlala is right...ex #2 is my buffer.

 

What do I do now?

[uhohlala]

Though...I think uhohlala is right...ex #2 is my buffer.

 

What do I do now?

 

Trust is earned, but it's also a choice. At some point you've got to decide if you can/want to fully believe and invest yourself in Ex #1. If there are unresolved issues that would need to be addressed before you can ... then address them. If it turns out that there are some things from the past that you'll never be able to get over, no matter what Ex #1 says or does, then you've got to admit that and free everyone involved from the charade.

 

Right now it seems like you're playing games. It sounds like you're full of rationalizations about how it's not so bad because Ex #2 doesn't want to get back together, etc. It sounds to me like Ex #2 is playing some games too. Just seems like a lot of game-playing all around, and if Ex #1's efforts are sincere I feel a little sorry for him at the moment, because no matter what he was like in the past, to an outsider like me it sounds like you're toying with him now.

 

I think I'd be exhausted if I were in your shoes.

[tattoobunnie]

Surprisingly, I was exhausted two months ago trying to get Ex #2 back. Now, not so much...just thoughtless (in a bad way).

 

I do feel bad about Ex #1. We talked about the situation, how I'm not fully there yet. The residual feelings with Ex #2. It has been troubling me somewhat. It's not that I can't get over the past...I just don't remember how I was like with Ex #1...the dynamics of it. I really hope I just need some time. It's like dating someone for two weeks, and then them going let's get married. I'm not there just yet.

 

Game playing? Hmm...I didn't think of it like that. I thought of him acting like a little boy and a bit of passive aggressiveness. I'm aiming to have my cake and eat it too. Always lived by the good girlfriend / good ex rules. And It's oddly interesting for me to know what I'm doing is the opposite of fair and "good-girl"...and I don't seem to care if it all blows up.

[tattoobunnie]

I know...I sound coo-ka-doo right now. So this is what it's like to just look out for just myself. Interesting.

 

Always in the day...I keep finding more clarity. I think I need to KISS this situation...Keep it simple stupid.

[LoveSoDeep]

Could it be that you know there's something missing with #1...not that you specifically know what it is but that you just get the feeling that the realtionship might no last and that's why you can't let go of #2? I know if I were you I'd find it really hard to just jump right into trusting #1 again and having #2 around if everything #1 has been feeding you recently turns out to be a big farce...well it sounds like something someone's subconscious could easily whip up.

 

I don't think you're playing games....at least not intentionally...and I get that you've always done it the "safe" way the "good girl" way and you just want to see how it works out if you go another route(i've wondered the same thing)...but like Uholala I feel bad for the guys a little as they are your test subjects and they don't even really know it.

[BlueRizla]

To me it sounds like you are subconsciously hiding you fear of commitment behind ex no2.

 

That or you're just not being true to yourself on how you feel about ex no1 due to fear. What if you weren't with either for a while again? That might be a good option until you have a better handle on what your true feelings are. What this confusion might be telling you is that you actually want neither (right now) and need some more time to yourself. Fear works in funny ways.

[minou]

#2 sounds childish. Plus, you already said you know he's not right for you. #1 stayed in love with you for a year. At the very least, be decent in how you handle his heart. He's put his on the line and the heart is not a toy. Frankly, it doesn't sound like you're into either one of these guys. Sounds like you're just playing around because you are bored until the next one comes around.

[tattoobunnie]

#2 sounds childish. Plus, you already said you know he's not right for you. #1 stayed in love with you for a year. At the very least, be decent in how you handle his heart. He's put his on the line and the heart is not a toy. Frankly, it doesn't sound like you're into either one of these guys. Sounds like you're just playing around because you are bored until the next one comes around.

 

Not right for me...as in he doesn't want a relationship with me.

 

My 2nd brother had shared my whereabouts with Ex #1 on Sunday. Last night, my eldest brother and my mother shared their shock and concern of the situation. She even stated that I would no longer be my daughter if I were to proceed to with Ex #1. They went on and on how much they liked Ex #2.

 

Yes...the reasons for the break-up with Ex #1 are more devastating than I can share in a few sentences. I called up Ex #2 aiming to get his take on the situation...thinking I could assume friendship with him...though I did turn it into a conversation about us. I guess I needed to hear it one more time. He tells me that he does not think I am his soul mate...that it's suppose to come at the right time. Sounds silly, right...but I'll accept his answer. Ex #1 used that line on me...and he's back...and in the place of a girl that used to love him greatly, to someone who ended up going to Ex #2's home to be with him last night.

 

The pressure I am getting from Ex #1 to settle down with him scares me. The lack of support of all friends and family of our reunion is saddening. If I were a friend looking in, I'd be the same way though. It's not a chance I'd just be taking; it's the loss of respect I'd have with everyone in my life.

 

The old me...so tough...wouldn't take this situation for one second. Though at the same time, I wonder if I am suppose to be in this situation making a choice. Today, I am in a state of confusion...knowing that on one side of me, I have someone offering me everything, and on the other side, a man who is choosing to not be with me, and can only offer me "friendship" at this time.

 

I will have to at this point get out of this situation. I believe in God, signs, and second chances. I thought it was a sign, and that since I was still in love with Ex #2, that I just need time to wrap my head around the situation.

 

I am now wishing for an Staples "Easy" button. I really feel like running away from it all at this point. I don't know. I've always done that in the past, and I end up in the same place one way or another. I really want to clean up this mess, and I don't want to just disappear like I have in the past.

 

I don't know.

[LoveSoDeep]

I can see why you're so confused. The break-up with #1 sounds like it was terrible and it has to be hard not to have the support from your family and friends in the decision to give him another try....but why are they so against it...think about it it's b/c they love you and they don't want to see you hurt again. #1 may be putting on a good show now but they are skeptical that he has really changed and maybe you should be too.

 

I think you need to be very honest with #1 and let him know that you have doubts....and maybe you have done this already but to the outsider it looks like #1 is totally head over heels for you and thinks that he has you back and it's going to be forever this time...and you seem really hung up on #2. Even though he has told you repeatedly that you are not the one for him you still haven't really let go.

 

I think you're just really scared of being alone...and trust me I understand that b/c I absolutely hate being alone....but when you say you want to just run away....it says you aren't sure about #1....don't string the poor guy along while you try to figure this out...b/c to me (again from an outsider) it seems chances are better that you will decide he's not the one for you...sure he's coming back stong and he kept a torch for you for over a year but that doesn't mean diddly if he's just not right for you....I'm really sorry there is no "easy" button for this...doing the right thing isn't always easy.

[tattoobunnie]

Is it ever easy?

 

Never has been for me...not now, before, or ever. I tell people the one connection to all of this...is me. I find myself in dramatic situations...so my current joke for myself is that I'm a drama queen.

 

I don't know if he's right or not right for me. Some moments, I think it's the love I have for #2, that I just need time to re-develop things with Ex #1. Other moments, I like to blame it on a fear of commitment. My love life has never been easy, so I feel like I need to work through it...like it's suppose to be this way. That there are lessons here. Like if I were to just say screw it all, and walk away, that I'd be taking the easy route.

 

Falling in love is easy...staying in love...Is it suppose to be easy? I know it requires work...I just haven't figured out the limit.

 

There is a point a person gets broken, hit rock bottom, that nothing else in this world can ever bother you once you reach that point. I've been there, so now I don't have a limit as to how much of a crap situation something can be. Everything just becomes relative.

[tattoobunnie]

I am scared. I am unsure if I am suppose to be in this situation. That I am to stay here...that I am too look at this situation like I've been giving two opportunities. They are both complete opposites of each other. If I am to start all over, I need to clean up this mess...I don't want to keep it with me moving forward.

 

Then...on the other side...am I keeping myself in purgatory?

[minou]

You are still in love with #2. He just wants to be friends. Not a good situation for you. You are still in love with ex #2, you are therefore not in love with #1 now. I advise you tell both of them you need a few weeks off, to get some mental clarity. Take that time to let the dust settle. You are overthinking this right now, and only your feelings can guide you, but right now you are really not giving them much space. Take time to yourself for now. That's my advice.

[tattoobunnie]

I know you're right; I need to walk away. I feel terrified today...the idea that I am making yet another wrong decision. I make so many mistakes...I feel foolish. I had the greatest love and trust with Ex #1, and I uncovered a nightmare. Before then, it wasn't out of naivety that I thought all men were great...even a few bums I've dated...always had been surrounded by the greatest of all men. Losing a child and being betrayed has changed me, and not for the better.

 

I know that ripping the bandaid off quick or slow will not be easy. I would like for it to be.

[MakestheBest]

I dont think ure game playing, you sound genuinely confused. remember once you said that ex number #1 put you thru the ringer? How was that? What did he do exactly?

[tattoobunnie]

Found an earlier post...

 

"well...to sum it up, I discovered he had been emailing other "women" giving them the impression he was single and willing to meet...this went on for the first year we dated. He was persistent on us moving in together. I did. He had told me the whole time that he wanted to marry me. Then I got pregnant. He told me that we would marry properly, and demanded that it'd be aborted. I did...wind up bleeding for over 36 hours in the process, hospitalized, then a week later, told me he couldn't picture marrying me. Asked me to move out as soon as possible before I was even physically healed, and in no condition to move heavy things. Had to get friends and family to all help. And while I was moving, he went on a trip with another woman. I then even tried to work things out with him, but it fell on deaf ears."

[MakestheBest]

Jesus Christ-no wonder your family hates him. How do YOU feel about him? Do you think it will be different this time? I dont think you have commitment issues with him, you were willing to marry him and bear his child before. I think you are trying to protect yourself.

[tattoobunnie]

It's only been a few weeks. I don't love him right now. I keep thinking that I just need some time. Redevelop things. That it's only cuz I'm in love with #2, or I only love him as a buffer...or that it'll pass.

[MakestheBest]

Do you tend to fall in love with guys that are not available? Think back. It seems like you were gaga over him when he was acting the fool, and now that he is down you're pushing back. This could be because you were hurt could be because in general you seem to like guys who are there for you? Also you are very attracted to #2 but he isn't there for you right now.

[tattoobunnie]

It's not always emotional availability. I have a track record of dating unfit men. I mean, my first great love was manic-depressive, bipolar, schizophrenic (this only developed much later on in his 30's), to filing for bankruptcy, to a few emotionally unavailable men. To someone I had to get a restraining order against for stalking me with a gun (this was the start of my torrid relationships). After Ex #2s wife said she's drown their future child in a bath tub, and refused to work things out, they had it annulled...I don't think it's been the same for him as well.

 

I know the connection between all of these men are me. Ex #1 was great in my mind...the one I planned on marrying. The last six months, he began to neglect me over this video game, and crap started hitting the fan.

 

Hence why I feel like there is a reason I am here. I want to take responsibility for my own self and actions...this is more than fly-by-night for me...I wanna take a stand. I know that I could take a few more weeks, months, years on my own (and many times I have had been on my own happily) and I could still be right back where I started if I don't figure this out.

 

To meet me...I am an amazing friend, family member...run and own 3 companies, badass by those who know me...heck I think I'm awesome...I just choose the wrong men, and with the right men (well who knows if they were), I don't have it together.

[tattoobunnie]

I'm not here for a pity party...yes...man, to read my stuff, it's a lot.

 

Just wanna get it right.