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Friend or My own foe?

tattoobunnie

By tattoobunnie
in Getting Back Together

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tattoobunnie Grand Master

tattoobunnie

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Nah...just a physically abusive and cold mom, who's mom also killed herself. I hate being the typical nut case. Granted, while both my bros are happily married now, my 2nd bro did marry a woman a few years ago who was an alcoholic and killed herself.

 

Maybe I don't stand a chance having some normalcy in my relationships.

 

But oh...my mom is an awesome lady now...just had to work through her own stuff.

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MakestheBest Apprentice

MakestheBest

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Nah...just a physically abusive and cold mom, who's mom also killed herself. I hate being the typical nut case. Granted, while both my bros are happily married now, my 2nd bro did marry a woman a few years ago who was an alcoholic and killed herself.

 

Maybe I don't stand a chance having some normalcy in my relationships.

 

But oh...my mom is an awesome lady now...just had to work through her own stuff.

Dude..thats a lot. There is no " just a" when it comes to physical abuse and coldness...thats a lot. Also there is no such thing as a "typical nut case".

 

My mom's best friend once said-everyone is crazy, you just have to pick the crazy you can deal with ( may she rest in peace).

You have a better chance of normalcy if you know your stuff first...thats the only chance you have of working on it.

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MakestheBest Apprentice

MakestheBest

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I'm just talking, huh? I haven't given you advice yet- I would try to systematically work thru things with each guy...space one out and see how it feels with two, and do the same with the other. While you're doing that, you need to have a clear sense of what it is that you want out of life...and how closely does either guy match your needs.

 

How old are u btw? How old are they?

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tattoobunnie Grand Master

tattoobunnie

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I work on this stuff all the time...over it (I mean I'm over working on it)...it is what it is. Make ammends, talk about it straight to the horses mouth, with specialists, web, friends...go on & on. Over it.

 

Normalcy...well, just so happens, my two bros married sisters, so it's kind of serendipitous. And my mom married my dad after 3 months, who is a huge gambler (I mean, nicest guy in the world, just can't mesh with the stock exchange)...so when I listen to her advice about picking guys...I'll listen, but there's oh so much I can take.

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uhohlala Newbie

uhohlala

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chiming in a bit late here ... Ex #1 sounds like a nightmare. What a f*-ing creep. He could be serenading under your window every night and sending you flowers every day now -- if I were you I wouldn't believe a word of it. Some things you just can't recover from and having experienced his cruelty first hand as you did, how could you ever forget? Possibly you could forgive (although I doubt I could) but you'd never forget. Your relationship with him is doomed, dead, done.

 

No wonder you're still hanging with Ex #2.

 

I think you deserve to get whatever gratification you can/could out of Ex #1's groveling. If he wants to torment himself now, good for him. But it could all very well be an act, an exercise to see if he can win you back even after the awful stuff he did to you. He sounds a bit like a sociopath, in the clinical sense of the word -- someone who feels no empathy and doesn't hesitate to manipulate cruelly just for the sake of doing it.

 

I think taking a break from it all is a good idea. I also think keeping away from Ex #1 forever is a good idea. Tell him to get lost.

 

Man ... unbelievable!

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uhohlala Newbie

uhohlala

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How did he excuse the craziness of before?

 

He might be able to explain the craziness but there is no excuse for it. Not trying to be nit-picky about semantics; I think it's an important distinction. It might be one of those tragically ironic situations wherein if he actually, truly realized how hateful and unforgivable his actions were, and truly recognizes that tattoob was the best thing that ever happened to him, he would know that no amount of atonement can compensate, that he's forever branded as the worst, lowest sort of emotional traitor. If he really gets it, he'd not try to pursue her.

 

Whereas a guy who thinks that sh*t can be excused is a guy who deep down hasn't changed a bit and is still quite capable of new acts of callous, selfish heartlessness. The fact that he's still persisting, that he thinks it's okay for him to ask her for anything -- forgiveness, the time of day, a kind word or smile -- suggests that at the end of the day, in his mind, it's all about what he wants. He's just pulling out all the stops to get tattoob to go along with what he wants.

 

Wow. I'm still shocked.

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LoveSoDeep Experienced

LoveSoDeep

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Sorry Tattoobunny...but I totally agree with uhohlala on this.

 

If he really knew had bad the things he did to you were he wouldn't even try. He's fooling himself if he thinks in just one year he could have totally turned around from that kind of horrible behavior...don't let him fool you too.

 

Forgiveness is a good thing and I think if you want to/need to forgive him so that you can move on then that's toally okay...but honey please don't forget...What his did is inexcusable. You deserve much better!

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tattoobunnie Grand Master

tattoobunnie

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I've decided since Tuesday to not communicate with either of them...no goodbye, no letter, no text, nothing. I know these situations are nothing I want. I've been trying to rationalize them, thinking I should try something different...but picturing myself as an outsider looking in, I see two things; an irresponsible man-child and another man who cannot give me what I need.

 

I'm concerned because even when life is going great, fabulous, and I start something new again, it turns something soap-opera worthy. I ask myself...is this my life, or things that have just happened? Of course up until now, they were to me, things that just happened, but now I know it is something in me...To know me, I'm competent, fun and loving...I have no interest in playing victim, and I want to take responsibility for my actions.

 

I'm done the whole self-discovery, on my own thing for a long time, the dating, the one after the other, the one after taking some time...I think perhaps...I just shouldn't choose men anymore...let others choose for me, cuz obviously, I'm not seeing something others may be able to.

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LoveSoDeep Experienced

LoveSoDeep

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Hmm...perhaps I do need to say something. #1 just asked to go to his friend's daughter 1 yr old b-day party by email. I'm contemplating on just ignoring the email.

 

My dad said to just ignore and he'll get the hint.

 

I just don't feel like dealing with things right now.

 

In this case I would ignore. Ypu've been ignoring his calls and texts for a couple days now right....now he's trying e-mail and involving friends to coax you out of hiding...Has he even noticed you are ignoring him? if you're not ready to deal with it then let it wait. You need time so take it!

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MakestheBest Apprentice

MakestheBest

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wait a minute...what the hell happened to the post I put up??

 

I was saying something about, no matter what happens you will always be a victim of the choices you make even if someone brings prince charming and lays him at ure feet ure going to choose whether or not to be with him. Sorry babes...no getting around the whole self discovery thing.

 

Me personally, I like to do things cleanly and honestly...I would just tell both guys i need to get some time to myself and get my head clear...we ALL want you to drop number 1, but honestly you dont seem ready to make a decision yet, and you dont have to...take the time you need.

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tattoobunnie Grand Master

tattoobunnie

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Ugh...more self discovery time??? So lame. Tired of it! Not of you...just the whole process that I keep having to do to get to the bottom of my life!

 

I've always been upfront, say goodbye...but I just don't wanna deal with anymore drama, from this second on. Prince charming...I dunno...I think my prince can appreciate the good and the bad, there when I'm sick and healthy, and wants to make it work.

 

I need time, yes, to wash all the yuck away in my head...I also think I need to just get out of dodge (anywhere they are not).

 

Clean...the last timessss I tried doing that with both...they track me down like bloodhounds. They may do a knee-jerk reaction and get to a soft-spot...then I'll find myself back to dealing with Bozo the Clown and the Whip-lasher.

 

Calgon...take me away!

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1guygirl Collaborator

1guygirl

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Crap...now I'm starting to sweat over it...Karma is a bi*ch...I would figure it owes me at least 20, so I can pull this kinda stunt, and it'll be okay.

 

no dont sweat.. they both owe you nothing and you owe them nothing

 

what ex1 did was just a true glimpse into his psyche and now hes showing all the classic controller/manipulator/abuser traits...once hes got you....do you think this will keep up? nah...he will devalue you on the spot, simply cos he will loose respect for you taking him back, prob start up with girls again, and then you will be thrown face first on to the discard heap.

 

using a kids birthday party to get a reaction...now hes an emotional manipulator controller...f*ck him off

 

ex2...well...so much for him huh? ....time out from him is needed def...cant say what will happen but this needs to be done for you to clear the fog in your head and start thinkin, feeling and seeing clearly again to make a decision best for you not anyone else

 

but no dont sweat over these two...they didnt sweat over you

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MakestheBest Apprentice

MakestheBest

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Crap...now I'm starting to sweat over it...Karma is a bi*ch...I would figure it owes me at least 20, so I can pull this kinda stunt, and it'll be okay.

Do what YOU need to do...i dont want you to care about THEM, i want you to do whats right for you. If you can fade out and it wont create a mess for you later on...do it.

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LoveSoDeep Experienced

LoveSoDeep

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They are right...don't sweat it! If you feel you need to answer him and make a clean break then take some time and write a clean concise response. Only you know what's best for you. So if you need to respond and tell him it over then do it.

 

Then block his phone number, his e-mail his FB every possible way he has to try to contact you and then take a little vacation or at least an afternoon at the spa to clear your mind and get back to doing things for YOU!

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uhohlala Newbie

uhohlala

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In this case I would ignore. Ypu've been ignoring his calls and texts for a couple days now right....now he's trying e-mail and involving friends to coax you out of hiding...Has he even noticed you are ignoring him? if you're not ready to deal with it then let it wait. You need time so take it!

 

I agree!!!

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