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Cannot believe I still feel the need to post here


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Sorry guys, I'm pretty angry with myself for even feeling the need to come on here and post again. But *sighs* here I am.

 

I broke up with my last proper boyfriend a year and a half ago now.

Yes, its been that long and I still haven't managed to get over it yet.

 

It was a very intense relationship that ended in quite a cruel way. My ex suffers from severe depression and it seems to me our relationship could not cope with the weight of his personal issues.

 

We managed to amend many of the fights we had and almost got back together for a while. Silly me should have made him get his head together first, right? I think this is why I am finding it so hard, he rang me in the middle of the night and -for no reason I can understand- decided we shouldn't talk to each other anymore.

 

For me, it was like we'd broken up all over again so I guess I'm dealing with a 9-month break up?

 

Three weeks ago I got a text from him;-

"Hello. How is life with you these days?"

"Life is good. How are you?"

"My whole life has fallen apart, I don't want to talk about it. I was wondering how you are, I'm glad you're well."

"Thanks, hope things look up for you soon."

"Thanks. Sorry, Bye."

 

I was doing very well in terms of moving on but those texts have really sent me sideways.

 

Its tough. I haven't written anything substantial about all the crap he put me through in this post, its just so long when I do people don't read it and I really need some emotional support. I cannot get my head around what happened at all.

 

Sometimes I am very zen and forgiving. I accept that he is very mentally ill and probably was not/is not aware of his actions and their consequences. I tell myself that many of the more painful things he did to me are in many ways backhand compliments, and that its not been all bad as it has helped shape who I am and I am happy with that person.

Sometimes -like now- I am furious that I gave as much as I could, whenever I could and to the best of my ability and feel the only thing I was given was a broken heart and hundreds of questions which will never be answered. I'm so angry he was inconsiderate enough to mess me around to the extent that he did and want to email him and tell him to never, ever contact me again because -as much as I hate it- it makes my life a lot easier.

I'm angry that he texts me out of the blue like he did a few days after my birthday- if he wanted to keep contact why didn't he wish me happy birthday? I think he just wanted to bail his emotional baggage on me because I was always there for him before. That isn't good enough.

 

But then I can't bear to do something like that because I love him, I really do. I really want him to get better and I would love to be friends with him one day and think that if I was assured I would not get messed about like that again, would probably get back with him if he asked.

 

All of this is overcast with a deep missing him feeling, and alarm that one day he might take matters into his own hands- as far as I know he is getting no medical attention for his problems.

 

It is very complicated, and overwhelming and I am finding it all hard to cope with.

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There was this girl who was also very depressed, she went out with this good friend of mine who was outgoing, alive, loved life and she was more the shy, humble quiet girl. She was really depressed and had issues. Now he loved her and did all he could to raise her self esteem, took her out, paid her compliments, read books, did all he could.

After 3yrs, he broke up with her saying I can no longer do this. 6 weeks later she found another guy and she is no longer depressed and she is a happy person, whatever this guy did worked for her.

Sometimes the solution is that maybe you were not designed to handle your X. You tried all you could, but you two were just not equipped to be with one another. Its not a failure on your part at all, and dont ever look at it like that. Its just a case of timing. Right now this is not the right time in your lives to be together. Maybe later when he heals or improves, okay, but now its not the time.

You will be fine, you must live your life as you know how. Any loss hurts and this one is no exception. You can make it thru, just let him go, its why you have not healed yet, you either have not accepted its over (and if you have great) and you havent let him go or if you dont want to let him go, you have not accepted your new roll as just a supportive person in his life.

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