LifeGoesOn09 Posted February 7, 2010 Share Posted February 7, 2010 I almost pretty much almost did of over Xmas/New Years. My feelings came right back ... you know the feelings of total care and warmth etc only for them to go again. It has been about a month since I saw my ex and I saw her this weekend. I'm not going to lie it was really really tough and I cried in secret because I was so distressed by my lack of feeling. However I missed her and was lonely and I think saw her for the wrong reasons. Try as I might I just can't seem to get the feelings back. Its only when I can't see her or I feel like she's going to be out of my life for good then my feelings have a chance of coming back. Now how mucked up is that? Seriously why can't I love a girl who loves me back and that I think logically is great and has so many qualities I desire in a women. I definitely see us continuing to be friends because I do enjoy our conversations on the phone when we have them. She's fun and we have a great great connection now. I know she's deeply in love with me and I know that'll never go away as long as she contacts me but equally I don't want to not ever talk to her again. I care about her so much but my mind keeps playing games with me. Ahhhh. This girl is so great why can't I just love her?!?!?!!? Link to comment
crymeout Posted February 7, 2010 Share Posted February 7, 2010 what is it that you feel made you fall out of love with her? im confused????? i thought u either loved someone or didnt... i mean mayb you love her as a friend and not romanticly and if thats the case you must give her space to get over you and then try becoming friends when she is healed, otherwise she will just be hoping for you to get back together and she wont fully get over you and thats kinda cruel. but i understand what you mean you want her is your life and you care about her, thats only natural...how long was you together????? do you have other things going on that may be blinding you of how you are feeling? sometimes if we are stressed and uncertain about things in our own lives we can sometimes cloud our minds with doubt that might not be there if everything else was going ok... i dont know much about ur situation only going from what you have said in this thread... but i hope this helps?? Link to comment
LifeGoesOn09 Posted February 7, 2010 Author Share Posted February 7, 2010 Crymeout, read my previous posts and threads that'll pretty much explain everything. I know it is cruel if I keep in touch with her. The thing is I don't ignore her if she does call or comments on something on FB as I'm just not going to do that. Contact had been limited over the past month but she called me on Thurs after I commented on something on her fb and then I called her back we chatted and I just felt the yearning to see her so went with it. The thing is I felt like there was a chance I could get my feelings back as I got them fully back over New Years. Its possible too but I just don't have a crystal ball and what I do know is that when I'm with her there is an absense of emotion and the pain and guilt is massive. We had an okay Saturday night. I did my damndest to ensure she had a good time and we joked around and walked around my local patch and went to a few pubs. My door is always going to open if she wants to call me. I'm not going ignore her calls because I'll feel like a * * * * * . Anyways she knows the problem but remains ever hopeful I know that and I've spoken to her in great detail about it. I just think its sad that there appears to be little hope for her and I. We were together 6 months before this happened and then we saw each other on and off for 2 months and then I hadn't since her since New Year basically. Link to comment
kittymate Posted February 7, 2010 Share Posted February 7, 2010 Hi, I'll admit that I haven't looked into your previous posts yet, but reading this thread reminded me of something I recently read that may help. "Whatever we resist, persists." Basically the idea is that if you try too hard to have something or make yourself think a certain way, your subconscious will resist your efforts. But if you acknowledge the way things are (which you seem to be doing) and accept the situation, then things can improve without you really trying. I don't know if this works or not, but I don't think it helps to beat yourself up for not having feelings that you think you should have. It's never going to work out if you convince yourself that you love her out of guilt. So maybe you could try to be more accepting of the situation, just take it one day at a time and see if anything develops. If not, well, there's a lot to be said for "chemistry" and if it's just not there, then it's not your fault. Link to comment
LifeGoesOn09 Posted February 7, 2010 Author Share Posted February 7, 2010 Yeah, its weird 'cause its really something that when it came back over New Years was so unexpected and sure I had been trying but I guess the thing is you're constantly evaluating your emotions every sec which is really how it shouldn't be. She left about 5 hrs ago and I've just been chilling and playing some games with my housemates. I had a few crys too but yeah dunno just have to accept either it comes back or it doesn't. I know that its only something I'll find out when she's in my presence. Definitely the pressure of her emotions I find a lot and that interferes with my natural flow of feelings I guess you could say. Link to comment
crymeout Posted February 7, 2010 Share Posted February 7, 2010 i am feeling like you seem to be in the situation my ex was in. he left me and came back saying he regretted it, then left me again recently after spoiling me at xmas, when i asked why he came back he said he thought he loved and missed me but he kept realising that he doesnt love me like that anymore, he was very uneasy about leaving like he wanted to stay and the fact i never stopped him i think supprised him a little, i had just felt so hurt he was saying all this again when he said he loved me and missed me and now i know he didnt mean it...i think he is confused likeyou, one min he feels it next he dont, i guess ill never understand, but froma girls point of veiw it bloody hurts...but if you think there is a chance then please try...if not then let her go would be the kindest thing..its the hardest thing holding onto someone that you knwo doesnt love you or well isnt sure..... its good you remain friends tho and are not balnking her, atm i am blanked i mean we said we wud stay friends, hes cool about it and txts me and that but then when i asked how his work is and what he been up to he never replyed and ive not heard frm him since...... ive now decided enough is enough and i love this guy with everything i have but i just cant keep hurting myself..if he calls or txts now im going to ignore him... only coz i need to move on... dont let this happen to you...... im sure you will figure things out soon, best of wishes go out to you it must be horrible to feel so mixed up about your emotions towards another.... Link to comment
LifeGoesOn09 Posted February 7, 2010 Author Share Posted February 7, 2010 Oh its gutting trust me Crymeout. My ex gf is has so many amazing qualities and she's so kind and good to me. What more could I want in a girl and how could I not have the feelings I need ... nuts?!?!? I now realise that as a guy you need that uncertainty with a girl ... its total bull and crazy but that's what makes our emotions tick. I really hope my next relationship last longer lol. I still can't believe there is no answer for a guy like me??!!?! Link to comment
headwreck Posted February 8, 2010 Share Posted February 8, 2010 Lifegoeson.... define "being in love"... You seem to be freaking out slightly amateur psychology would suggest that the fact that she loves you is freaking you out. You know you have the ability to hurt her and that scares you. Scares you so much that you can't work out how you feel about her.....I'm sure she's a big girl though. IF in the end you hurt her, I'm sure she'll deal with it. Don't give up in case you hurt her... You enjoy being with her, you have great conversations, (are attracted to her?)....have things in common? You've only been with her 6 months, take a deep breath and just have fun, see how it goes. You never know in 6 months time she might be slightly less sure and you may be head over heels... All of the above advise is given though as long as you aren't SURE you don't want to be with her. Someone once said to me when i was unsure, you'd be sure if it wasn't right. All this unsureness can be explained with your own fears, ie nothing to do with the girl.....just as long as you are not definitely stringing her along. Relationships aren't perfect, they go through ups and downs, feelings go up and down. Too many people imo believe that "if it was right, there would be no doubts"....nonsense imo... Sorry for long rant, had this one out with my friend today! Link to comment
LifeGoesOn09 Posted February 8, 2010 Author Share Posted February 8, 2010 Thanks I hear what you're saying. This is my problem. I miss her then when I see I have absolutely no emotion at all. Last weekend spent together was just so horrible for me. I did my best tho that's for sure! We went out on Fri and Sat night, chatted, had fun etc and it helped me to take my mind off it. I just know when I'm in the thick of its deeply unpleasant. Link to comment
headwreck Posted February 8, 2010 Share Posted February 8, 2010 Thanks I hear what you're saying. This is my problem. I miss her then when I see I have absolutely no emotion at all. Last weekend spent together was just so horrible for me. I did my best tho that's for sure! We went out on Fri and Sat night, chatted, had fun etc and it helped me to take my mind off it. I just know when I'm in the thick of its deeply unpleasant. isn't missing her an emotion? Why do you want to be with her if you have a horrible time? Link to comment
stu1973 Posted April 20, 2010 Share Posted April 20, 2010 Hi OP, Not sure if you are still around, or what your current situation is, but I'm looking through old threads, and this one stands out. I have a female friend who is having a hard time with the guy she's in love with right now, and I'm standing back and helping her out. The simple fact of the matter is they split up ( for reasons I still don't understand ), but then he tried to get back with her, begged her etc, all the usual things. She resisted and wasn't interested, said her feelings had changed. He gave up. Cue her turn to miss him desperately, and want him back, he resisted. She gave up. Cue his turn to miss him, she's not interested. As far as I can see, this will continue indefinitely. I told her, next time she's not interested and he's begging for her back, to go against her natural reactions and feelings, and take him back, because sure as eggs are eggs, she'll want him again as soon as he gives up. You can guess what happened, yup, the roles reversed, he wanted her and she didn't want him. My best pal also went through this with his LTR, his girlfriend was into him in a big way, he could'nt of cared less, but then when she gave up, he was desperate to get her back. He eventually won her back after many months, but it just goes to show. The second you lose someone in this situation, you seem to want them back. Maybe you should suck it up and really try, otherwise she may well give up on you, and you know what'll happen then...... Link to comment
TryingVeryHard Posted April 20, 2010 Share Posted April 20, 2010 Just curious, Stu, were there any rebounds involved in those situations? Link to comment
stu1973 Posted April 20, 2010 Share Posted April 20, 2010 With my best pal, not to my knowledge, and this happened a few years ago, they are currently travelling the world together and couldn't be happier. With my female friend, this is ongoing, she has been out on a few dates with a guy who she says should be perfect for her, but she says she has no interest in him at all, he's just filling a void, and she has no intention of seeing him again. Link to comment
stillhopeful1 Posted April 20, 2010 Share Posted April 20, 2010 Stu, In the above situations you describe was there any nc in the breakups and was it the nc that began to change the other person's mind? Link to comment
stu1973 Posted April 20, 2010 Share Posted April 20, 2010 I don't think my best pal did NC with his girl then. I couldn't say for certain. However the ongoing one with my female friend, there have been periods of a few weeks, before one of them breaks! I wish they'd both come to their senses! Link to comment
stillhopeful1 Posted April 20, 2010 Share Posted April 20, 2010 Stu, Thanks for the reply! I'm in a similar situation with a female and everything was going great! That is until the old boyfriend came back into the picture with the sole intent of breaking us up. Not so much that he wanted her right now, he's told her he doesn't, but just enough to stir things up to make her doubt what she feels for me. He wants to keep her single for when he's ready to settle down, whenever that may be. Sick I know and she keeps falling for it! He's done this before time and time again. He chases her until he gets her then sure enough, once he gets her he throws her away. I'm nc now as I simply had enough of the back and forth the last few months. Link to comment
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