NO COMMITMENT, SHOULD I LEAVE?

[nja0406]

I have been with my boyfriend for over 8 1/2 years now. I am 24 years old and he is 25. We have lived together for 5 years and I have been questioning him about marriage for the last 3 years. Up until recently, I couldnt even get him to barely discuss it, nevermind do it. Now he says he is ready but he can not discuss any of the details with me of when or approxmately how much longer.

 

The Problem is I am feeling more hurt because of his lack of communication of commitment with me than anything. I love him and I know that he loves me, but is it wrong of me to feel that I should leave because of his lack of commitment?

[Athena]

It's not wrong to feel you want to leave. You were both very young when you met and it's not unusual for people in that age range to develop different opinions of what they want for themselves and their lives. Who were were at 20 and how we thought about who we were and what we want can be a very different story when we are 30.

 

I think its important for you to clearly understand what it is that you want. It may be that the person you are with, does not want the same things you want and in the time frame that you want them. Perhaps you could discuss the possiblity of when he thinks he may feel comfortable with marriage. If he can't give you an answer that you are comfortable with then I think you have some difficult choices to make.

 

-A

[amaranth_04]

I would have said to have been with someone for 8 1/2 years and not have a commitment is lacking. However, the two of you got together at a relatively young age, so such matters will usually take a while to come into the picture.

 

I agree with what Athena said. What you know/want at 17/18 is usually not the same as what you want now, things develop, things change, esp from your teens to adulthood. You need to have an open discussion with your bf. You may think marriage is a natural progression, but get his real thoughts in. Don't rely on things he said when he was 18 or 20 to base your assumptions. You may have to start from scratch on these serious discussions, cos most likely his thinking would have changed as he grew up. Talk to one another about what you want out of life now, and where each of you is heading. Then when you know what the other wants, you can start making plans on how to get there together.

[mahlina]

Good question. That's kinda shady to me. My ex called me while he dated this girl, moved in with her, had a long term relationship with her (5 years), and still called me, trying to get all flirty, saying that when he's back in Cali, he wants us to be boyfriend and girlfriend again.

 

I told him, "No! And Why are you calling me?" I also asked him nicely, "After being with your lady for that long, aren't you ready to commit?" He said no. I don't care if I'm with her for 5 years. It doesn't matter. She asked me if we should get married, and I said, "I don't know., I don't want to rush into things." I can't believe that he'd say that. Then, I blocked his number, and told him that he's disrespecting their relationship.

 

You know what? That just seems like a poor excuse to me.

Now he says he is ready but he can not discuss any of the details with me of when or approxmately how much longer.

Maybe he has 'cold feet.' But, be careful with this guy. Just because you're living together, it doesn't mean that he's not trying to do some hanky panky stuff on the side, like my ex. That's why I question relationships like yours. I feel for ya, and hope that this is not eating you up inside too much.

 

If he's not giving you what you want, then leave. I am sure that a romance that stems from 16 or 17, is quite a young age to start out with, to commit forever. Sometimes, those high school romances do work out, and I really admire it. But, just make sure that his wanting to 'commit' to you, is out of his own free-will, and not like something he's 'required' to do. He makes marriage sound like a chore!

 

Wanting to marry someone, is about being 'in-love,' and making the right decisions. If he thinks that you're truly a catch, then he should at least slap on a ring (even an inexpensive one, doesn't matter), and say, "Lets plan it later, when we're financially stable enough." In that case, he's backing up his words through his own actions. That makes his love justifiable. That's why I think that 'talk is cheap.' Anyone can say that they do want to marry a person, but are they actually willing to? Or is it just words? My recent ex asked me, but I think it was his way of trying to 'get game.' At least, your boyfriend's not b.s.-ing you right? And girl, you're not worrying too much! In fact, you're asking the right questions.

 

If the clocks keeps ticking, and the relationships not going anywhere: sit him down, have both you and him, map out the pros and cons, to see whether or not the relationship is really worth keeping. I hope that you guys will find some kind of resolution. Take it easy okay? Whatever the decisions are: things will work out for the best. Take care & Good Luck.