How do I continue living?

[Xeb]

My story... to me seems the ultimate tragedy, but isnt something so uncommon. I went away to university and in my first month here met a guy... a guy that i fell hopelessly and completely in love with and he fell in love with me... he asked me out after a month was over... and we were on of the first couples in out batch. We spent all our time together, getting to know the same people, making the same friends... we were very serious about each other... thinking ahead to marriage... just not completely certain that it would happen but very sure that we wanted to stay together...

 

around 2 months ago after spending almost 2 years with him in one of the most intense relationships of his life he said that he wanted space to breath because he felt this relationship was suffocating him. he also said he needed to end this because he couldnt go on any longer... we broke up but it lasted for 48 hours because we couldnt stand to be apart from each other. A week ago he told me this again... and this time the break-up is final.

 

I cant stop seeing him or wanting to see him... i cant stop loving him... i cant stop the memories that torture me and make me think of all the good times... my room is filled with all the stuff he's giving me that i cant put away because it hurts too much. I can't stand to see him hang around with other people when i'm around because the normal thing is that he should be with me.

 

its the exact same with him.... except he's intent on being aloof BUT he still wants to be friends... say's his sanity depends on it... and honestly so does mine... he insists that he still loves me and doesnt think he'll ever stop loving me but he doesnt want a relationship with me... not now.. and not ever...

 

i love him... i want to be with him... everybody around me keeps telling me i should have self respect and self esteem... but somehow none of that matters when it feels like u've completely lost yourself.... i feel so alone... and so miserable... i dont eat i dont sleep.... i cant do anything except feel like my life had ended and i dont know where to go from here....

[Gilgamesh]

Hello Xeb,

I understand the pain your going through, your type of situation is so difficult to bear with because, "there was nothing wrong"! everything is wonderful one day, the next they turn you off like a switch, in my case, my girl realized she was afraid of commitment 2 weeks after she asked me to marry her. I mean what does one do?

 

Im still going through the pain, but have found some things that help cope with the grief. You need to hide, get rid of all his stuff, just store it somewhere out of sight. this next one you wont like, and probably wont do (I have slipped) dont call him! dont push the relationship thing, I persisted so much in my case that now she hates me, (her way of dealing with the guilt) let him have his space, he may mature later on and change his mind, but dont stop your life waiting by that phone, because he may never call! im not suggesting never calling him, but give it some time, maybe a month or two, when your not hurting anymore, than give him a whats up? call.

 

Keep busy in your hobbies, and the things you like to do, go see plenty of action and comedies movies plays whatever, take on new projects (i started a garden ) travel, keep your self busy. when driving for long periods, get some audio books, you will concentrate on the story, and not on him. again stay away from romances, go for adventure , comedies, action, mysterys etc.

 

By new music, that you never shared with him, change your hair style, ( I shaved off my wiskers had them my whole adult life) I know this all sounds easier said than done, because if your like me, you dont feel motivated to do anything, my breakup has really effected my job, luckily I work for myself.

 

The pain will eventually go away, the "waves" of depression will come visiting less and less, and youll get more of those "good" days. a good day for me is if I can go the whole day without crying, and can eat 2 meals, and get over 4 hours sleep.

 

Oh one more thing, dont fall into the trap of blamming yourself, you did nothing wrong. aslo be carefull of the "What-if i said or did that" thoughts they are so dangerous, because once you get them started they are infinit posibilities and they just have a life of there own.

 

take care

[cookies]

Again I agree with G here...I know how deeply you want and need him....as he seems to be the only one that you can live for...and its just hard for ppl that have not experienced this to understand how deeply you are in pain. They just dont know whats going on in ur heart...and it hurts,..i know...

 

Its difficult to make sense out of it all sometimes, of how we feel about another and the chemistry may be just lost somewhere, and they dont feel the same. It can almost make us feel a sense of being unbalanced in our lives, because you dont understand any of it...you cant eat or sleep as you somehow begin to love him even moreso. He means the world to u...but he apparently loves you just as much from what ur saying...

 

Give him the space hes asking for. Its natural for some men to retreat, and others just play games and back out...but with ur guy...it seems as if he just want to sort out what hes feeling 4 u. The space will allow him to realize just how much u mean to him. He may be just confused, because its all beautiful to him, and he´s not sure if hes ready for this type of love at this point in his life...doesnt sound like cheating is even a thought in his mind either...

 

I think that altho u may not be able to stop crying..and u definitely cant stop loving him,...u should give urself affirming moments when u look in the mirror in the morning..."i will smile and be happy in his presense". The hard part...Act as if he doesnt exist and just dont pay him any attention. When u see him, just smile and keep on going, dont even hold a conversation. If he ask u any questions, just give a short answer, and keep going. This is not to play a mind game..but to ensure ur wellbeing of ur heart...if u small talk with him, u will want to continue...dont do that to urself...when u feel the urge to r each out and talk to him, u hafta break away from that burning desire...almost as if forcefully...but it will help u understand just how much control u have over ur feelings...that hurts worse...but ull be ok...(u can cry later at nite when ur alone)...

 

Dont let him see u hurting as deeply as u do,..and surely he will take notice, and this MAY just turn the table...but dont rely on this, as it doesnt always happen...and if it doesnt, its ok...because by paying him less attention, you will be paying yourself more attention..pampering ur pain, and eventually, you will start to be able to cope better with it. I know your heart belongs to him still, but somehow you have got to get ahold of it, and nurture it like a mother would a crying child.

 

He is not attending ur hurting heart, and im sure u feel sad inside as if he should be holding u, and comforting ur pain...but at this point..sadly, you must do the best you can to bring healing within ur own heart.

 

I would love to hear another story from you, that things worked out and u will be giving it another shot...but you should have realistic expectations of just the opposite, which will aid in ur healing process...

 

Im sorry 2 hear this has happened to u...and i feel ur pain..good luck..

 

cookies

[Xeb]

hi...

 

thankyou, both of u helped.... thankyou so much for caring... the thing is... i dont know quite what to do... i sortoff figured it out on my own a little while ago that the best thing to do is definitely to ignore him and not to let him see me... maybe once he's gotten the damn space he's so desperate for he'll realize how worthless it is.... or maybe he'll realize the opposite...

 

All of this happened after he spent a week without me at university... i was at home for an extra week and it was the first time that we'd been in a different city and i think thats what made him realize that maybe it was possible and it wouldnt be all that horrible for him to break up with me... i dont know what it was...

 

What i'd love to do is not see him again for a while... but the thing is Gilgamesh that we're in university together and its a very small university... we have classes together... and he was my best friend... i keep telling myself i have to harden my heart to him and to this and hope that i'll work out in the long run... but the thing is... it hurts so much... and i have these INTENSE feelings when i feel like nothing else matters all i want to do is see him again... have him hold me in his arms... kiss me... hug me... be with me.... and i cant do anything about it....

 

What both of u are saying is definitely the right thing to do... but its going to be SO difficult... the thing is... i think i can manage for a week starting tuesday to be completely away from him... my mothers coming to town for 3 days so i can stya with her and away from campus and i'm going to a friend's place for the fourth day....

 

My friends r being very supportive through this all... and i love them for it... but they're all couple's themselves and everytime i see them together something inside me hurts even more... they keep telling me they thought i was stronger... and they thought i wouldnt be like this... so on top of everything else i feel like i'm acting like a fool.... and i hate that....

 

i'm confused... i'm depressed... and i need a life... and i love him so much that i need him too.... i cant ever imagine being with anyone else because he's taken everything i had to give... and he's left me with more pain then i know how to deal with....

 

Thankyou for replying though.... please keep talking to me... i need help to make sure i stick to my decision as far as he's concerned.... i REALLY do...

[pennywise1]

XEB,

 

I am sorry but I have no advice for you. I can say however that I know what you are going through. See my post "Need advice for a unique and sad story". Just thought you would find some comfort knowing that there are people out there feeling the same way you do.