How do you get closure?

[landclark]

My boyfriend and I recently broke up. Well, we didn't really break up so much as decided we should take some time away from each other for him to figure some things out. He in the past has been notorious for having failed relationships, and instead of figuring out what was causing it, he'd blame the girl and move on. Well, he's finally decided to work on this, and on himself, and really figure out what he wants in life. This is a good thing, just unfortunately doesn't involve me.

 

So, when you never fought, a fight didn't cause the break up, nothing bad at all caused the break up, we admit we still love each other just need to work on ourselves, how the hell do you get closure so you can move on? It's driving me batty! Some days are really good. Well, work days are really good. Weekends are left thinking about it, trying to figure out what could have been different.

 

My problem is I have always given given given, and not expected anything in return. He gave a lot at first, not so much in the end, and I can seem to get past concentrating 100% on him, and not me. I can't hate him because he didn't do anything bad.

 

Going nuts! Any advice?

[landclark]

I work with this guy so I see him 5 days a week! Could it be any worse?

[Scout]

From what you say about him, he's a decent guy and you two actually had a pretty good relationship. I'm not so sure that all hope is lost, if you want to possibly get back together with him. The only thing that is going to give you closure is to know that it's really over. Just because right now he's saying he needs time to himself doesn't make it over. If I were you, I would be pleasant and warm at work, but very professional. Start living an exciting life, even if it kills you at first! I know after a break up getting out and about is unappealing, but you must do this to generate an interesting life without this guy. Join a hiking club. Campaign for a local candidate. Go to the park with a frisbee and a pal or two and a picnic basket. Go camping. After a while, you really will be busy with a multitude of plans, and you won't even have to tell him this. The Karma of the Universe will somehow inform him that you are moving on, and right then his interest will be peaked again. He'll start initiating conversations, which you'll have plenty of interesting things to contribute to because you've been doing so many cool things and meeting so many neat people. Eventually, after several of these conversations, he'll start to feel around if you're receptive to hanging out sometime. If you want him back, at that point invite him to something fun and non-threatening, and on that "date" whatever you do, DON'T talk about the relationship and why it failed. He will have a good time and be receptive to more fun times ahead. Continue to take it nice and easy and non-threatening, until he makes a move on you (which he will). At that point, feel quite free to ask him what his intentions are, and if he is expecting sex without a relationship. When you get to that point, come back here for advice. I'm not sure how to proceed from this point, because I went ahead and had sex with my ex first, THAN I asked him what he wanted from the relationship. He said he didn't want a relationship, which got me really mad and we had a huge fight. So I had to start NC again, but that was a month ago, and we've hung out several times, had two more fights, and now I'm starting to get a better sense of control of us, and I think we are on the road to getting back together, only this time I will have much more power than I had before. We're actually going camping together this weekend, and that's a big step for him, because part of the reason why we broke up was because he was always blowing me off on the weekends. I don't think he's "cured" yet, but we're making progress, and I know it's because I don't feel so desperate anymore.

 

Hope this helps?