Girlfriend broke up with me for space

[darklich14]

Ok, so I've been going out with this girl for a year and almost 6 months, and we used to fight about little things. It wasn't that they were inherently wrong, but it was stuff like breaking plans -- not for someone else, but due to carelessness or something like that. There were a few times when she'd go hang out with other guys and I'd flip out for that, but she agreed that she shouldn't have done that. It was all good, she was my first everything, and we had talked about marriage. Granted I'm only in college (about to be a sophomore), it sounded like it was going to happen. I was very secure in our relationship, and when valentine's day came around, something bad happened. She asked me if everything was okay, and I replied that everything was fine. She asked again, and I said yeah. Then she asked me one more time, and I just blew up for some reason. It turned into a hangup fest, and she stopped calling back so I called her back. She sounded like she had been bawling her eyes dry and she said we needed to take a break. I went along with it because it was like 3AM and I was about asleep by the time this happened.

 

Well, she was at home during all this and came to school the next day. I went to go see her in her room because she said we needed to talk (Obviously about the future), and I asked her for a couple more days to see how things went if we could work on things, but she had already seen the way things would be without me. She obliged and we went on a date sunday night and did a make-up for the absense on valentine's day. It went so well, we had fun, we laughed, joked around, talked about the little things, and it was so perfect compared to how things had been going. Well, the day afterwards came the omenous "We need to talk". I knew what it was about and I just let it go. I knew she still just wanted to be friends.

 

However, this didn't stop me. This is where enotalone came into play. I started reading posts, figuring out what to do -- how to deal with what was happening. Basically, I've been trying to better myself so I'll be more attractive in general, but I still love her so dearly, and I want her back. It's not like I want to go back to right where we were and pertend like nothing happened, but more something like this: I told her when we went on a walk that she was so priceless to me and I couldn't just be her friend this soon, and even afterwards, since i was so in love with her, I didn't think things would be the same. I had found myself and I knew that I wanted more than anything in my life to live happily and be a good father and husband and not let divorce come between me and my mate. We both have had divorce in our families, and even though my parents haven't divorced, they were divorced before they came together, and her parents have been divorced because of her dad's alcoholism. I told her that I saw her mom in her, and how dedicated she was in our relationship and how she works so hard at doing things, and that she was right for me, and I was so right for her, and that we deserved each other. We like to do that same sort of things outdoors and relaxing, partying and everything. I knew that the reason we broke up was because we were just having a lot of stress in our lives at school and all, and she basically gave up dealing with it. It wasn't because we couldn't get along that we didn't have anything in common. I know that if we could work through such a situation, that we could work through anything, because that's what relationships are about past the initial attraction. They're about working and making sacrifices to keep it alive. She's been pretty happy ever since, being able to run around with her friends and do as she pleases. But after our talk and me telling her everything I did, she said she's stopped thinking about other guys than me, and she wants to just figure herself out. She also said she'll be thinking about me while I'm not around. She's seen me change for the better and stay that way for the last month (it's been about a month). And we've gone on walks, talked on the phone, emailed each other, etc. and it all feels so comfortable and we get along so well. Well, here's where the problem is now. I'm not 100% confident that we'll get back together simply because it hasn't happened, and I know that if it hasn't happened, then you can't be sure it will be -- the world could end tomorrow or something, you know? heh.

 

Anyway, it all boils down to the fact that I'm seeing her struggle trying to figure out who she is and she was so miserable the other night, and she was really upset. She had to keep herself from crying -- like it's a sin to cry or something. I don't really know what's going on in her head, but I know that our relationship was based on communication of how we were feeling and not left up to subtle hints to get things done. I really miss her and she's got pretty much all the friends I do, so it's hard to do things without thinking about her. I got rid of (or put away) all the memoribelia that was laying around my dorm room to remind me of her, and that's helped, but I still love her company and it seems like she's pushing me away so that she can get her independence. Does this pushing mean she doesn't like me or find me attractive or is it just something she needs to do? All my friends and her friends were shocked to find out that we broke up and they all thought we would be together until the end of our days. I'd do anything to just win her back and see her happy with who she is. What can she do to help this process of finding herself out? What can I do to help her (I'm guessing to leave her alone would be the best thing). I just don't know if all the things she's saying about seeing me as a great guy and that she just needs to find herself are things I'm taking in as "I'm going to come back some day." Because if that's what it means, I'm going to stay single for her, because I know how good she is and how I just didn't realise it the first time through. She was so madly in love with me and it just sorta quit all of a sudden, and that's what made me realize that we needed to work something out, but by then she had given up.

[mermayd]

Hi there. It sounds to me that you two had a relatively strong and positive relationship. This must be tough for you, I'm sorry for the heartbreak.

First, You have a very healthy perspective on things, here. I applaud that. You understand that if things could be reignited between you that it wouldn't be picture perfect. You also understand that relationships take work. A happy relationship isn't handed to you on a silver platter. It is important to keep these in mind and although they may be discouraging realities at times, they are the truth and need to be kept in awareness, as you have done.

It sounds to me that this finding of herself is a necessary and important part of her to establish. I am sure that it has little to nothing to do with you, but more that she wants to have a clear head to figure out what she is here to do. What she values about herslef. I think it is important for you to be by her side as a friend right now if that is how she is keeping you. She will remember your support and persistence when she is ready to re-establish a relationship with you. Let her know that you are there for her.

I dont know if it is the right time for her or not to ask the following...but it sounds like you are rather confused about why things ended. I think you have every right to know what happened. But the thing is, she may not be ready to talk about it, or it may lead her to feel more anxiety about her life if you bring it up right now. So I would be careful about the timing. But I think it is important for you to ask her eventually, when you think she may be ready to talk about it, what happened to the strong relationship that you both had valued.

It sounds to me that she cherishes you as a friend and probably more as well. But right now, I would try to be satisfied with being her friend until she sorts things out. It is something that she needs to do. Be thankful that she is in your life. I hope this helps.

[darklich14]

Yo mermayd43, Thanks for the advice. That's kinda how I viewed things in the beginning that she needed me as a friend. I'm having trouble keeping my mouth shut as more than a friend though and it's causing her stress. I sent her an email asking her about a couple things like what some of the things she was saying meant, and she replied rather bluntly that I was thinking too much and that I need to chill out and whatnot. She said I could call her in her email, so I did, and she got rather snappy because I was asking questions about the future. I guess that's really where my problem lies. I feel confident that we'll be able to get back together some day, but I'm just anxious about it and I want it now. I'm basically having to deny her as a friend because she doesn't feel comfortable around me just hanging out I guess because it's too soon, and that, for some reason makes me keep pushing to see her.

 

When I had the talk with her earlier about what she meant to me, I told her that I wasn't going to be able to be her friend until she was going to be able to be mine. I know that we get along too well to just be acquaintences or loose friends. She didn't like being "dropped" as a friend, but I guess really, that's the best thing. I told her that if she valued our friendship as much as she did, then I wouldn't be able to talk to her until she was going to be a friend and give back in a friendly way, and probably lead on to more than friendly things.

 

I guess, now I just need advice on how to leave her alone so she can "find herself." I don't know how long it's gonna take or when I could expect her to be my friend again, but really, I find that the most painful part of this whole thing... I try to do things to keep my mind off her, but I guess I need to keep my mind off of her until it's not a problem and we can start over. She said that all the little things I ask that pertain to a future relationship or her feelings just add up and then she shuts me out of her mind again. Seeing that, I guess, makes me realize that I need to back off -- sort of like an ultimatum (Either leave me alone, or I'll do something drastic). I sort of saw hope, so I rushed it and messed things up

 

OMG.

 

As I'm writing this post, she calls me and says "Can I be a hypocrite? I don't like not talking to you." So now she wants to talk to me. I'm totally fine with this, of course, but I still have the problem that I can't keep my mouth shut about some things and I ask dumb questions that are so obvious. As she put it, when I asked her, "Did you like talking to me on the phone the other night?" She said, "Well, I kept talking to you! DUH! WHAT A STUPID QUESTION!!!" But she was kinda pissed off at that point.

 

What can I do to not talk about our relationship and just be her friend for now?!

[mermayd]

Really what you can do is to address the fact that this will take a lot of will power. You need to not give in to the temptation of asking her these questions and stating your veiw of what you want. Know that she is aware of your view on the situation and be confident in that. There is no solution, or "cure", if you may, but really, it will just take a lot of inner streangth to overcome this. I wish I could tell you to hop up and down and shake your hands and miraculously, you will find the streagnth to let the situation be. But the unfortunate truth is that things do not work out that way. I know it is tough, believe me. But truly, when you feel the need to talk to her about the two of you or you burn to ask her questions (especially that you know the answer to) FIGHT that urge and just don't do it. Willpower. Keep your head up.

[darklich14]

Mermayd43, thanks for all your advice. Having you suggest I do the things I think I should be doing is going to work wonders -- I can tell. I felt right about what I was doing in so many ways, and I feel more confident and comfortable in continuing in the current direction. She's been on the phone with me for like 3 hours out of the last 6 hours, so I'm really confident that she's really a good friend and we are compatible together in our social behavior, so it's really encouraging, and like you said, I'll keep my head up, knowing that what I'm doing (being her friend for the time being) is the best thing. It seems as though we've arrived at the spot where it all began the first time around -- just talking all the time about stuff that's going on and helping each other out of ruts and stuff. Thanks again!

[mermayd]

No problem! I appreciate your gratitude and I am happy to hear that things look to be falling into place so far. I truly hope all turns out for the best with you!

[darklich14]

Ok, so for some final closure to this forum topic. I don't know if people actually read these posts for actual advice, but if you can get anything out of my experience that will help you out, then more power to you.

 

Anyway, here's what happened. It got to the point where she would call me like 4 times in a day just to ask what was going on and what I was doing. Since I like talking to her and all, I went along with it and we'd talk for long periods of time. She called me last night and was telling me about her college plans for the future. It involved going to college at a place not near me -- and when she told me, there was dead silence on the phone. I was sort of speechless, unable to bring myself to say how much I'd miss her since she'd be at another school about 3 hours away. Before I could actually get anything out, she said "I wanna say something........................ I don't know how to say this.........................." (the suspense was awful by this point) "I want to get back together." Then the tear started forming in my eye, and I was so happy to hear that. She kept saying how she wanted to hold it in until the end of the school year, but I know how impossible it is to hold in feelings like that for someone you've been so close to. She let her feelings slide, and we ended up going to the park on a walk, and we talked about stuff.

 

When we first got there, we talked for a second about how things were going with her mission of finding herself, and whatnot. She was happy that I wasn't pressuring her to get back together. But then she held my hand and told me how she missed that, just being with someone, having someone to call her own. And it eventually got to the point where she asked me if she could be my girlfriend. I said of course, and vice verca. Then she wanted to keep it quiet about the whole thing, so I said that was fine. Then she changed her mind, and started yelling "BUDDY MOORE IS THE BEST BOYFRIEND EVER" at 3AM in the morning in a public park. Needless to say, she changed her mind on keeping quiet about us getting back together, and I think things are well on their way to a much healthier relationship than we initially started with.

 

I think what I got out of this whole experience more than anything was the importance of support and not giving up if you really love someone if they go off and do something they're not too sure about (like finding themselves). Even though they may be absolutely sure that they want to be alone right then, sticking by them as a friend, changing yourself for the better, and waiting for them to start missing you (while you keep yourself healthy and attractive) will almost absolutely result in getting back together. And if all goes well, you'll have realized what you didn't have in the down time, and do everything you can to make things better between the two of you.

 

Thanks, enotalone.com for providing a place for me to confide my feelings and problems, and giving completely neutral feedback for my situation!!!!!!!!!!

[vroomvroom]

darklich14, i don't know if u'll be checking this forum post but it really makes me happy to hear about your situation. I am basically in the same situation as you were in except that my boyfriend and I are still together. However, to me, it feels like his heart isn't in it, at times. SOmetimes I question whether it has to do with me, but I do believe that is has to do with unhappiness in other parts of his life. Like you, I am having a hard time accepting that he is pushing me away, and that just makes me want to try harder. Of course, me pushing him, only stresses him out more because he ends up feeling pressured. I try to give him space, but after about a week of him not contacting me, I start feeling like he doesn't miss me and I contact him. I think he should miss me after a week, but I don't think he does. How long do you think is a reasonable time for him to miss me? Anyway, your situation does give me the strength to be stronger with my own situation. I hope my story has a happy ending like yours.

[darklich14]

Well, things turned around AGAIN! She said she just isn't feeling anything special right now and she wants until may or so until she wants to try again, but she definitely wants to try again because she recognizes that I'm worth it. Though I'm not as upset and freaked out as I was the first time we broke up, It's still confusing, and I think we're going to have a rough time working things back to their originally wonderful state. It still sucks, and girls still make no sense and I'm still feeling like I've been thrown around once again. I still love her but I know she isn't in love with me because she doesn't want a relationship. She told me she loved me, but she just can't be my girlfriend if she can't give it all she's got, and she said she just can't right now. BLEH. I hate this. it's so stressful. She says the relationship is stressful, but it's the lack of one and having to reserve my sanity that's stressul to me. I guess seeing as it happened this afternoon and I haven't really had a chance to talk to her yet, then I don't know what things are going to be like, but I told her I can wait for her, but I can't wait for uncertainty. She seemed to be okay with this and she assured me that there would be no other guys, but she's just THERE and all. Would it be bad to do things with her as a friend or what? Like going out running and hiking and such? BLARGH! Any ideas anyone?